when you're gay-IT'S BISEXUAL YOU IDIOT!
by Decipher Philosophy
Summary: Hijishin Fic: Shinpachi is discovering a new side of his sexuality, and that gets him in all kinds of trouble. Warning: It's not a purely gay romance story. That'll make sense in a few chapters...and I got there but no longer a Hijishin shipper so DISCONTINUED!
1. Author's note hijack

Disclaimer: I don't own Gintama.

Kagura: It's obvious that she don't own Gintama. I mean what kind of name is Decipher Philosophy?! She has the creativity of an eighth grader, aru!

Gintoki: Nah, nah, you can't blame her. She was only in high school when she created this account. At least she's not a full grown man still grasping onto the straws of his boyhood, and arguing with other otakus and weeaboos online with a stupid username.

Kagura: But she might get my character wrong! She might make me sound like I'm a crude child with a huge appetite and monster strength when in reality I'm a grown lady and queen of the Kabuki land. And everyday I drink oronamin c while hanging out with Anego and Soyo-chan! And all of the men are my slaves!

Gintoki: Oi, not every man would be your slave. You forgot about the independent country of Yorozuya, and I, Yorozuya's president, had recently passed the law that every woman can no longer wear panties.

Shinpachi: OI! DON'T START SPOUTING OUT LIES! WE'RE ONLY IN THE AUTHOR'S NOTE AND YOU'RE ALREADY TRYING TO MANIPULATE THE SITUATION FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT! AND EVEN IF THAT WAS TRUE, YOU'D BE OVERTHROWN FOR THOSE SEXIST RULINGS, YOU TYRANTS! And besides, our characters becoming OOC cannot be helped considering that even though we have our significant roles and characteristics in the anime and manga, we're still unpredictable, and most of the reference jokes would only have locals of Japan understand.

Kagura: Shut up! You don't deserve to be in the author's note since you're the protagonist of this stinkin' fanfiction! *Kicks Shinpachi out*

Gintoki: Eh...What?...What did you say?

Kagura: Hm? Oh you don't know. Shinpachi is the protagonist of this fanfiction.

Gintoki: Eh? Shinpachi? Pachi-boy? Patsuan?

Kagura: *Nods*

Gintoki:...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHH? Wh-Why would she make Shinpachi the protagonist when I'm the protagonist! Oi! Oi! Author! What are you thinking?! Do you really think people would read a story about him as the protagonist?! I mean his wire frame has been looking sharp, and his lenses have been extra intimidating when it shines at the right moment, but who would wants to read a story about Glasses, Eh?! Eh?!

Kagura: She plans on making Shinpachi gay, and have a romance story with Hijikata.

Gintoki: EEEEEHHHH?! Hijikata?! Why would she choose him?! They haven't even had any meaningful conversation.

Kagura: But they would make a good couple! I mean they both play the straight man in their own groups, have dark hair, are samurai, and it'd be super cute if they dated.

Gintoki: Eh? Ka-Kagura? What are you talking about? Why are you talking like this? Is this the author's fault? We haven't even made it into the story, and you're already OOC?!

Kagura: Eh? But a lot of girls who aren't conservative are like this. Gintama have no cute gay couples, so it's completely natural for girls to fawn over the idea of one! That's what Anego told me.

Otae: That's right Kagura-chan! I always expected for Shin-chan to be like that, so I always prepared myself for when he ever decides to bring a man home to help us run the dojo. Hijikata-san is quite an outstanding swordsman, and with his job in the Shinsengumi, he must have lots of money, and it shouldn't be too hard to get some bribes as well since Shin-chan is too cute to deny!

Gintoki: You just want to exploit your brother, so you don't have to do it yourself with the gorilla!

Kagura: Ah, so you agree that they would make a cute couple!

Gintoki: What part of what she said would make them a cute couple! If anything, this is more like a forced political marriage!

Otae: Yes, but Hijikata-san seems to be too strict to be a lover, and his love for mayonnaise might prove to be a problem. Ah! How about the Shogun instead!

Gintoki: In the end, you don't really care for your brother's love or who you're serving his ass to! It's all about the money! And you know he's *** right!

Otae: Oh Gin-san, it's fanfiction, so it doesn't matter if they're **** or ***** or ******. And we aren't canon characters anymore, so why not enjoy the moment.

Kagura: Ah, but Sho-chan and Shin-chan dating would be so boring. Shin-chan is too domesticated, and I heard once that couples are best together if they make up for the other person's flaw. Like how Shin-chan makes up for Gin-san's flaws, and Gin-san makes up for his flaws.

Gintoki: Eh?

Kagura: Gin-san is a no-good, lazy, dirty, stingy piece of shit.

Gintoki: OI! WHO'RE YA CALLIN' A LAZY PIECE OF SHIT!

Kagura: And Shin-chan is boring.

Gintoki: THAT'S ALL YOU HAFTA SAY AFTER EVERYTHING YOU SAID ABOUT ME!

Kagura: But then Gin-san helps Shin-chan get less boring, aru. And Shin-chan helps keep Gin-san in line sometimes, aru! Like a wife, aru!

Gintoki: Oi...Oi, what was that? You're makin' it sound like we should be the ones dating.

Sarutobi: NOOOO! I'll never allow it! NEVER!

Otae: Ah, Sa-chan, what are you doing here?

Sarutobi: I was listening, of course, and I won't allow it! I WON'T ALLOW IT! There's no way that boring glasses-character deserves Gin-san! He's only sixteen, and lacks any feminine qualities like me! Gin-san likes girls with big boobies like mine, a skilled fighter who's also willing to let him do anything to my body, and- *Kicked by Gintoki*

Gintoki: Even if Shinpachi was interested in me, I won't be interested in him. I like women.

Otae: That's not up to you however. You can be straight in the anime, but in fanfiction, everything you are now belongs to the fanfiction author.

Kagura: That's right, aru! And since we're girls, we're safe from getting into that mess!

Gintoki: OI! I don't want to sleep with a guy! I like girls with big boobs with a bit of meat in them! Shinpachi is all skinny and muscular. It's no fun!

Tsukuyo: Yes, but his rear can earn him quite the profit if he would work at Yoshiwara's gay bar.

Gintoki: WHAT'RE YOU DOIN' HERE?!

Tsukuyo: The fanfiction author added me to point out Shinpachi's good parts since coming from an expert of courtesans would make it sound believable and official. *blew her smoke* And I ship Shinpachi with Hijikata.

Gintoki: That's why you're here?!

Sarutobi: So you don't ship that boring glasses character with Gin-chan, do you? Is it because you want Gin-chan all to yourself! You're trying to convince the author to be on your side, aren't you! Well, too bad! Gin-chan isn't the protagonist of this sick love-story, so he is most likely not going to end up with anyone here! HA! But author, if you would, I would gladly sacrifice my body to have an M-rated scene with- *Eyes poked by Gintoki* AAAAAAAH!

Otae: So Tsukki-chan, what are Shinpachi's good parts? I know that he has the makings of being a wonderful housewife and mother, but will those qualities truly earn him a man? For a man to convince another man to love him...It's hard to imagine since it's such a rare romance during our era.

Tsukuyo: I don't know about romance, but I do mean it when I said that Shinpachi's body can bring quite a profit. A youthful, polite yet shy virgin such as himself would make him cost half a million yen (500,000 yen = an estimate of $4,000 US) for one night.

Gintoki: HALF A MILLION! Aren't you overestimating him!

Tsukuyo: A courtesan must be in his or her best behavior, so if you subtract his terrible singing, critical obsession to that pop idol, his straight man attitude, and Gintoki-

Gintoki: Why am I in the subtraction?!

Tsukuyo: Then we have our youthful, polite yet shy virgin.

Kagura: OOOh! Gin-chan, we should sell Shinpachi's virginity!

Gintoki: What kind of heroine are you to decide to sell someone's virginity?! We're not pimps, you idiot!

Otae: Now, now Kagura-chan. We can't sell Shinpachi. Not unless we can sell him for over a million yen.

Gintoki: YOU'RE THE WORST OF US ALL!

Tsukuyo: It may be possible if we were to make a fuss over him. Cast a curtain of illusion over his worth.

Gintoki: OI! Stop encouraging them! This fic isn't about selling Shinpachi's virginity!

Sarutobi: Gin-chan is right! If it were a story about that Megane being sold by the highest bidder, then he would obviously be sold by an OC since Gin-chan and other male characters are either poor OR policemen! And we all know that shipping with OCs is distasteful since you're practically pushing yourself or a Mary sue into the story! It's a terrible idea!

Otae: Mmm, Sa-chan is right. Besides, we are fictional characters after all. The author will gladly give me anything I want, so money isn't an issue.

Kagura: Does that mean that I can drink and eat anything I want!

Otae: As long as it doesn't seem OOC for our readers.

Kagura: Then author, please make our first chapter take place at an all-eat buffet with me winning a food eating contest, so it can all be free with a winning package of sukonbu for the rest of my life!

Otae: Bargan dash for me please!

Sarutobi: Gin-chan's **** and *** for m- *knocked out by Gintoki, and thrown into a garbage bag to be thrown into the disposable waste can*

Gintoki: Chocolate and strawberry milk for me please!

Tsukuyo: Since we're not selling Shinpachi's virginity, I supposed that we should start with the fanfiction then.

Catherine: Hold it right there! Who're ya ta decide when this story starts! We're not even sure that I'm going to star in it!

Gintoki: Eh? Why would you star in it? You're obviously not going to be a part of the story at all except for being mentioned or say a worthless, shitty line or something now and then. You're just jealous that Shinpachi is the protagonist of this story while you don't have a single fanfiction to your name.

Catherine: Why you- *Smacked at the back of her head by Otose*

Otose: I don't really care for what's happening above my bar, but if anything happens, I'll raise the rent. *Leaves with dragging Catherine*

Gintoki: Oi! It's not my fault if anything happens! It'll be all the fanfiction author's fault! Geeze, what is that shitty brat typing this shitty author's note doing making me take all the crap for what she's doin'.

Tama: I am sure that the author was trying to convey that Shinpachi-sama will have people who are looking out for him. Even to those he rarely turns to for help. If I may speak boldly, I wouldn't mind also being there for Shinpachi-sama when he may be in need in this fanfiction, and I do voice my concerns of him being in a relationship with Gintoki-sama or Hijikata-sama.

Gintoki: He's not going to be in a relationship with me!

Kagura: Why is that Tama-chan?

Gintoki: Why am I always ignored?! Is this what a side character feels like! Huh?! Huh?!

Tama: In my data, I do not have information on men's relationships that are romantic, but I'm well aware that relationships have their faults and fortunes. We are all close friends, and if one were to date the other, our lives can change by that. If Shinpachi-sama were to date Gintoki-sama, I am not sure of how the people who have feelings for him would act on this. *Doesn't look at anyone specifically, but there's awkwardness in the air*

Gintoki: I already know that. I am the original protagonist, so it's no surprise that I have many fans after my *****. *Kunais, bullets and furnitures are thrown his way* AAAAAH! WHAT DID I SAY?!

Tama: And with Hijikata-sama...the author plans to do a two-year-skip, so Shinpachi-sama will be eighteen and could be seen as more of an adult, so there can be an equal social standing with Shinpachi and the other male characters. This change can bring a more mature feel to the relationships that Shinpachi-sama may be put in. With Hijikata-sama, I believe the complication lies on Hijikata-sama's beliefs in love and relationships. Multiples times, he had shown to not wish to be in a romantic relationship of any sort due to his harsh lifestyle and lack of self-confidence to give the one he loves happiness.

Kagura: Mmm, when you put it that way, pairing Shin-chan with any of those idiots would be a recipe for disaster, aru.

Otae: You're right.

Kondo: You're wrong! Toshi is capable of giving the ones he love happiness! He is a man of determination and responsibility! If Shinpachi-kun and Toshi were to become an item, then I am a hundred percent certain that Toshi can fill Otae-chan's little brother's heart with love and stability in his life! And Shinpachi-kun can give Toshi both love and reassurance in his life! And if they were to become an item, I'm sure that sooner or later, Otae-chan and I will become an item!

Otae: AS IF THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN! *Punches Kondo unconscious*

*Sarutobi appears covered in trash!*

Sarutobi: That was a worthy argument from the gorilla stalker, but I digress! To pair that megane with that demon is too bland as well! What we really need to give Shinpachi is a foil! Someone who is the opposite! Someone who is cruel and childish! So I vote for Shinpachi to be paired up with Okita!

Kagura: AS IF I'LL EVER HAND OVER SHINPACHI OVER TO THAT SUPER SADIST! *Kicks Sarutobi (I have nothing against Sarutobi, but her getting harmed for her indecent acts and ramblings is hilarious)*

Tama: By my calculations, Shinpachi would be better suited for Yamazaki. They are both considered the normal ones out of their respective groups. After an adventure with Yorozuya or the shinsengumi, it would be nice to see a love one to have a relatable conversation with.

Otae: But they're good enough as friends. Shogun is a better match! Besides, nobody can date Shin-chan without my permission!

Tsukuyo: I still stand on Hijikata-san.

Sarutobi: Why's that huh?! Are you still aiming to being Gin-chan's bitch in this fanfiction!

Tsukuyo: Eugh! Wh-Who would want such a dirty position?!

Kagura: There's noway I'm gonna hand over Shin-chan to the shinsengumi if it means that I have to see that dirtbag's face! I might as well have Shin-chan date Gin-chan instead!

*The girls start glaring at each other with fighting stances.*

Gintoki: OI! Don't go deciding that on yourselves! Wasn't it supposed to be the author choosin' who Shinpachi slept with! *IGNORED*

Otae: There's only one way to settle this! In the world of Yaoi, it's common for the seme to be taller than the uke! Shin-chan is obviously the uke, so let's decide the seme by the stereotypical characteristics.

*The rest nodded*

Tama: Then I shall tally the results. Otae-sama ships Shinpachi-sama with Shogun-sama. Tsukuyo-sama ships him with Hijikata-sama. Sarutobi-sama ships him with Okita-sama. Kagura-sama ships him with Gintoki-sama. And I ship him with Yamazaki-sama.

Sarutobi: Hold on! We should also have multiple other ships just in case our one true pairing doesn't make the cut! So if I can't have mine be the one, then I vote on Kamui or Takasugi!

Kagura and Gintoki: You're really asking for a beating, you low scum bitch.

Otae: Fine then! If I can't have the shogun, then I place my bet on Sakamoto Tatsuma! He owns his own business, and long distance relationships can work through enough patience and loyalty. Shin-chan has both qualities!

Tsukuyo: I cannot think of a good substitute for Hijikata.

Tama: I also can't find anyone else to be a good substitute for Yamazaki, but I suppose that is for the best, because having too many choices would make things complicated.

Kagura: Then let's get started, aru! Author bring all the contestants here!

*I do it to see where this goes.*

Stage 1: Semes gotta be tall cuz of de lean in factor of a kiss

 _*Shimura Shinpachi: 166 cm_

 _1) Sakata Gintoki: 177 cm_

 _2) Hijikata Toushirou: 177 cm_

 _3) Yamazaki Sagaru: 169 cm_

 _4) Tokugawa Shigeshige: 175 cm_

 _5) Sakamoto Tatsuma: 181 cm_

 _6) Okita Sougo: 170 cm_

 _7) Takasugi Shinsuke: 170 cm_

 _8) Kamui: 170 cm_

Kagura: Wow, Shinpachi is really short.

Tama: He is the youngest since all of our participants are older than him. Only Shinpachi-sama is both a main character and a teenager in the gintama series. If we were to add a teenager into the list, there is only Takaya-sama (Takachin).

Everyone: REJECTED.

Sarutobi: I have a question! Why isn't the real Kamui and Takasugi here! Why do we have Kamui's picture on a punching bag, and that pedo strategist and annoying girl from the kiheitai instead!

Takechi: I am not a pedo strategist, I am a feminist.

Otae: The author believes that if they were to be present, then this would happen.

*Kagura and Okita are beating up the Kamui punching bag in sync.*

Kijima: There's noway that we'll ever hand over our Shinsuke-sama to you!

Sarutobi: I take it back! I don't want that terrorist to be with Shinpachi if it means that those two will be here!

Kagura: And there's definitely noway I'm letting my idiot of an older brother in this fanfiction! ARU! *Kagura and Sougo effectively destroyed the punching bag and picture completely, and then wore sunglasses as they lit it on fire.*

Gintoki: Aaaaaah! Don't do it in here! The setting of this author's note is in my house remember! *Douses it with a bucket of water*

Sarutobi: I-I understand...I withdraw my ships.

Tama: Are you sure Sarutobi-sama? If that is so, then Okita-sama, Takasugi-sama, and Kamui-sama are eliminated from these proceedings on who will take Shinpachi's virginity.

Otae: It's probably for the best. Shin-chan can't handle bad boys like them.

Tsukuyo: Shinpachi would be considered an ordinary uke. Sarutobi's choices were all kichiku (brutal/demonic) semes. Hijikata would be considered a kakkoi buaiso (cool and quiet) seme. Gintoki...I barely know this Yamazaki,

Gintama: OI! I know I shouldn't be upset, but I'm really pissed off right now! What kind of seme am I?! OOOOOOOOOOOOIIII! *IGNORED*

Tsukuyo: But by Tama's description, he seems to be an ordinary seme. The shogun and this Sakamoto character are complete mysteries to me.

Kagura: They're boring. We're already gonna get what we want from the author, so there's really no point in adding them anymore, Anego.

Otae: You are right. I guess I will have to withdraw, too.

Tama: Then that leaves three participants: Hijikata Toushirou-sama, Sakata Gintoki-sama, and Yamazaki Sageru-sama. I have considered that this fanfiction would like a more interesting couple, and after searching through my data of past conversations, perhaps the safest choice isn't the best after all, so I would like to withdraw as well. That leaves only two people: Hijikata Toushirou-sama and Sakata Gintoki-sama.

Kagura: Ya-ho! Let's make this story be about these two fighting over Shinpachi!

Sarutobi: NEVER! I will not allow it! I will NOT ALLOW iiiiiit! Gin-chan is supposed to be mine! And no one will e-

*Shinpachi finally enters back*

Shinpachi: Aah, sorry for interrupting, but the author would like to start the story now. This is supposed to be just her note after all. Eh? Why is Gin-san huddled on the floor?

*Gintoki is all huddled on the floor, completely depressed. He hears his name mentioned by Shinpachi and slowly looks over his shoulder with a pathetic smile.*

Gintoki: Aaaah~...Shinpachi! You're back! Is this nightmare over now? Is it really? Tell me it's over.

Shinpachi: Yes...What did you guys do to him?

Otae: Gin-san was still here? I didn't notice.

*None of the other girls did. Gintoki went back to weeping*

Shinpachi: Sigh...C'mon, Gin-san. You can't be like that when the story starts.

Gintoki: I-I'll be fine. Ju-Just start it without me. *Sniffs loudly and whimper to himself*

Shinpachi: Help me get him up Kagura-chan. *The two help their hopeless boss up and put him on the couch with them. All three of them smile for the readers*

Yorozuya: Please enjoy this fanfiction that may never be completed!

*Hijikata just now enters*

Sougo: Aaah, isn't that nice, Hijikata-san. You're going to date that Shimura kid.

Hijikata: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHH?!

Decipher Philosophy: Warning, OOC moments may happen due to these unpredictable characters being unpredictable, and I am not as wise as the creator of Gintama, Sorachi Hidaeki, but I'll try my best. Also not all Gintama characters may appear such as Kamui or others who would not naturally be a part of Shinpachi's day on a daily bases. Thank you very much for wasting you time to read this immenselylong author's note. Enjoy if I actually posted the first chapter and chapters next after that.


	2. If you're not romantic

A/N: Me VS Comedy! I LOSE! I'm sorry! It was easier in my author's note since I didn't need to add any big details which goes well with Gintama's slapstick comedy. But when you do need to add the details for a story, you have to take another angle to keep the comedy, but it can't be slapstick since the details makes it lose its edge.

So don't expect that much humor.

Plus remember that its a two year time skip! And no, it's not like the time skip arc!

Ages:

Shinpachi - 18 (August 12) Leo

Hijikata - 29-going 30 (May 5) Taurus

Kagura - 16 (November 3) Scorpio

Gintoki - 29 (October 10) Libra

Otae - 20 (October 31) Scorpio

Kondou - 30 (September 4) Virgo

Sougo - 20 (July 8) Cancer

Yamazaki -34 (February 6) Aquarius

Also even if Gintama is an anime where the characters never age, I am a stickler for time schedules. At least for the seasons in this one, so right now its spring in my fic so Hijikata's birthday is coming up.

._._._.

Chapter 1: If you're not romantic, just go to Tumblr. But romance in Gintama will look out of place no matter how you do it, so roam free.

 _Dear diary #102, it's me again, Shimura Shinpachi. A lot has happened this month that I may need to move on to Diary #103 for next month's adventures. The last two years have had its ups and downs, and you and the other diaries have been the only ones that I can turn to to let out all my thoughts and feelings about the events that Gin-san and Kagura-chan put me through. I must say that its interesting reading all 101 of them. They help me refresh my memory of the moment I decided to join Yorozuya, and I am truly certain that I don't regret that choice._

 _Aaah, but that's enough reminiscing. Right now, I have a problem that is not worse than the problems that I have faced before, but this certainly may be one of the top five most confusing problems that I had ever faced. Diary...I may be...bi-curious._

 _I've come to know that term through talking with Saigou-san when I began to have these strange thoughts and feelings after Tsukuyo-san had asked me and Gin-san to host at a gay club since it was understaffed. It was similar to Honjou-san's host club except it only caters to gay men. I turned 18, so I was at the legal age in Yoshiwara to work. Gin-san and I were reluctant to do it at first, but after the price that Tsukuyo set for us, we jumped right in._

 _Kagura-chan couldn't come with us for obvious reasons, so she had to sleep over at my house since Gin-san and I wouldn't be back until morning._

 _I wasn't surprised by what went into being a host since anue-e worked as one, but what I found challenging was making my customers fall in love with me. If a host cannot make their customer fall in love with them, then they can't hope to make it in the world of host club. It was only for a few nights until the club can get more hosts to join, but I wanted to try my best to do a good job to earn my pay._

 _I am not at all confident in my skills to make girls in love with me. I didn't know how I could fair with men since I wasn't gay. Surprisingly, it was easy._

 _The club's manager, Shoko-san, sold me off as the shy, reliable, cute type. He made me wear contact lenses and put me in a waiter suit without the jacket._

 _Gin-san and I didn't want to be known by our names in case they meet their clients outside of work, so I was named Shinji and Gin-san was named Kintoki. He was against it, but the paycheck won him over again._

 _From what I remember, Gin-san was sold as the charming, comedic man with a mysterious air to him. He was really popular with a lot of the customers very quickly. It's no surprise since Gin-san is capable of doing anything if he actually put his all into it. We really got a good paycheck this time that we didn't spend it all after celebrating at a buffet, and Gin-san was able to pay the rent for once after I told him to, many times. I was also able to get anue-e bargain dashes!_

 _Aah, but back to my experience as a gay host, I do find making people fall in love with me under false pretenses to be the work of a thief. Yet, the customers of host clubs are well aware of these false pretenses (except for people like Kondou-san), so you could say that it's more of a trade between two individuals._

 _My first customer was a lawyer. Ikita-san was depressed because his marriage was going in ruins because he confessed about his sexuality, and both his wife and his children want nothing to do with him._

 _I naturally couldn't give advice, but I did my best to give him support and comfort. I convinced him to look at the brighter side in life, and I may have flirted with him a little to make him think that I felt lucky to have him there. I don't want to say that it was entirely a lie. I didn't feel lucky for a reason that Ikita-san may have thought, but I did feel lucky to be able to make him feel better, and that I was being successful with my first customer. We talked some more, and as a host, I needed him to order some expensive drinks, so I may have coaxed him to drink a bit too much before he had to leave._

 _My next customer was Takahashi-san who was a baseball player in disguise who wanted to only figure out what it was like being in a gay host club without being overwhelmed. I made sure that he felt comfortable. We shared some laughs, and we drank a bit together. He then asked me if he could see me again. I told him that I would only be available for a few nights, and he promised that he'd come to each and every one of them. I was surprised, and I guess I may have...blushed and smiled happily._

 _My third customer was quite frightening. He was the leader of a ferocious gang who sneaked into Yoshiwara in disguise since his true sexuality was unknown, and it was his first time to be there._

 _When I thought about it, I noticed that a lot of my customers were either first timers or really depressed people. I told anue-e about this, and she told me that it was natural to pair first timers with first timers so there wouldn't be a high level of expectation, and the really depressed people wouldn't think much for their mistakes since they're stuck in their own world._

 _Either way, it was fun. None of them touched me since it was a rule, and I was willing to give them a listening ear since their stories were interesting._

 _Gin-san and I were able to leave at the morning during sunrise. I had to help Gin-san since he was completely wasted._

 _The next night was almost the same with different stories, but Takahashi-san didn't come. I have to admit that I was a little sad that he didn't come to see me, but I reasoned that he was busy since he was a national athlete. I did get to meet other interesting men such as Nakano-san, Kobayashi-san, Kato-san, Matsuoka-san, and so many others who I could list later if I have the time._

 _As enjoyable as it was being a host, it began to become quite difficult as the nights went by since more men began seeing me. Apparently, some of my clients told them about me. I was happy to get the attention, but some of them came in groups, and I was a bit overwhelmed since I still considered myself to be a newbie. I couldn't help being shy and angry when the groups were filled with loud and obnoxious men who weren't afraid to say of what they thought about me as if I wasn't there._

 _I wasn't like anue-e where I could beat up a group of men with my bare fists alone, and I didn't want to get fired. I remembered my bushido, and I made some new ones, and altered some old ones to find a resolution to remain calm and polite more so than I usually was._

 _You must be bored with all this prattling about my night job, and probably thought that my struggle with my sexuality was because I fell in love with one of my clients. I will admit that I was fond of most of them, and some of them were really handsome that I was jealous, but I didn't feel any sexual attraction for them._

 _A man can feel emotional interest for another. It's a common practice among samurai that deepens the relationship between them just like me and Gin-san. There's nothing wrong with that, but if his little samurai were to swell with interest as well, then it becomes complicated._

 _The problem was my curiosity with gay se..._

Shinpachi hurriedly crossed that off.

 _two men becoming intimate under the sheets._

Yes. That was better.

 _I was disturbed to think of that kind of recreational activity since I was the old-fashioned type before, but now that my eyes are open to different people, you could say that my perspective changed into an understanding one, but not an open one._

 _Now, I believe that changed after I saw one of the hosts, who I knew pretty well as Fujioka-san, go out with Takahashi-san. I wasn't jealous, but I did feel a sense of curiosity and another strange feeling when I did welcome that curiosity._

 _And somehow that curiosity made me dream of...finding myself under another man in a position that wasn't natural to me, but it was also not that...unpleasant._

 _I'm sorry! I woke up feeling slightly confused, and terrified because it was a whole new side of me that I didn't understand, like a creature lurking in the darkness to become the bearer of bad news and bad luck. The worst thing was that there was no one I could think of that night to help me through it. I couldn't turn to the hosts in Yoshiwara because I wasn't that close to them, and I was not confident in myself to confess to them._

 _This new discovery about myself made me self conscious of the men in my life. Gin-san was still Gin-san to me. Okita-san was too terrifying for me to even think of him in such a way, but I do take his beauty in a new light if I let myself think that way a tiny bit. Every other man, including those from the club and Honjou's club, I know didn't spark my interest for several reasons._

Gorilla. Madao. Too fast with anal problems. Three crazy guys in space. **** in canon. Too old, too perverted, or are enemies. If any of you got this in under a minute, you've been keeping up on your anime watching and/or manga reading. Good job.

 _However, I did have one person who made me interested a little bit. Yamazaki-san is a pretty great guy. We randomly meet up during the day, and spend time together talking about our lives as the odd man out of our group of eccentric people. Yamazaki-san is sixteen years my senior, so obviously nothing will happen between us. Not that I was hoping that there would be something._

 _I suppose I should've known that I wouldn't immediately fall for anyone since I am not promiscuous, and I believe that I am in the right mind to not fall for a handsome man when his personality matches that of the demon or a fool or both._

 _I then came to a possible answer that I was just being a curious straight man. But even if I did come to that conclusion, the dreams didn't stop. It was...exciting to dream about being...intimate with the same sex. I still get excited over a girl, but with a man, it's almost the same. Just a bit more..._

Shinpachi blushed bright red. His own little sword began to swell and twitch when he remembered those vivid dreams. He forced himself to find some self control!

 _It was nice! That's all I'm going to say! Sigh...Not only could I not find someone to talk to about this issue at the time, I also couldn't explore it through *uh hum* traditional means. I know it's natural, but I cannot stand having such impure thoughts on purpose like Gin-san would. I respect women like I respect anue-e. To degrade them to sexual fantasies would degrade my own character...although, I will admit that I have been tempted to see females in cute and perhaps provocative clothing, but at least its not to an extent that would label me as a pervert!_

 _Exploring my sexuality shouldn't label me as one, or so Saigou-san had told me. He told me that he heard from Otose-san of what I have been doing at Yoshiwara and wanted Gin-san and I to help him out again. I've grown used to being dressed as a woman, so I was okay with it, but like a good employer, I told him that I had to discuss this with Gin-san first._

 _Then for some reason, Saigou-san could tell that something was off about me. I was shocked since he was the first person to notice, or at least bother to ask what was wrong. I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk about my...I believe the word was queerness? But I really wanted to find answers, so I confessed my problem with Saigou-san inside his shop while it was closed, so it was only the two of us and some of his girls including Agomi-san._

 _I explained my situation, and each of them taught me about the LGBTQ community. I have heard of the organization, but I haven't looked into it since I used to think that I was straight, so it didn't apply to me._

 _After listening to them, and then evaluating my sexuality, I came to the conclusion that I could be bi-curious. It is not an actual sexuality, but I firmly believe that identifying myself as a straight man would be incorrect._

 _Especially when I'm starting to believe that I may actually have someone I like._

"Oi, Shinpachi!" Hijikata called out from outside Shinpachi's room. He had let himself in through the gate since he preferred to avoid the young teen's older sister.

SLAM! CRASH! CLUTTER!

"What's with all that racket?" He looked in through the window and caught Shinpachi trying to put something in his closet. He was curious of what it was, but knew that it wasn't his business to ask, so went straight to his own business. "Hey Shinpachi." He called out again.

The eighteen year old, who was flushed with sweaty palms and a panicked heart, looked over to him as if he had committed a crime. But it was quickly glossed over by a familiar, polite smile. "Aah, Hijikata-san! Are you here to find Kondou-san again?"

"Tch. It's already been two years, and chief is still chasing after your sister. But it's alright for now. I have no serious police duties to attend to in an hour unless my men radio me in."

"I see. Well, my sister went out to do some shopping, but she and perhaps Kondou-san will arrive soon. Would you like to come in and have some tea while we wait for them?"

"Sure. You have the mayonnaise flavored, right?"

"Yes, I do. Just wait for a minute at the living room. I'll be right over."

"Excuse me for the intrusion." The shinsengumi police's vice chief knew the house from the inside out. There was once an attempt to renovate the place, but that went awry quickly, so it was kept the way it traditionally was.

Hijikata and Shinpachi have grown close enough to be considered comrades in battle, and casual friends in everyday life. The kid was becoming a man, but Hijikata never did treat him as an inferior for his age. Shinpachi acted mature for his generation unlike the other no-good teens during these days. Though now, within their own subconsciousness, the new age had made their standing feel more equal as samurai and men in general.

Shinpachi's appearance barely changed. He looked like he was blossoming into his movie 2 version, except his clothes were similar to his usual clothing. Hijikata looked like his movie 2 version, but he remained wearing the shinsengumi uniform that hadn't been changed.

"Thank you for waiting." Shinpachi knelled at the table with a tray of tea and a few snacks served.

"Thanks." Hijikata was sitting at the table in a relaxed manner. He took the cup of tea and sipped it in to get the sweet taste of liquid mayonnaise in his mouth. There was also a bitter taste to it, but it blended well with the sweetness. "You got better at making this."

Shinpachi smiled brightly at the compliment. "Thank goodness. I'm glad I could make it suit your taste, Hijikata-san." The teen took a sip of his own. It was a bit strange drinking it, but it was healthy for his heart. And if he put the thought that he was drinking mayonnaise flavor out of his mind, it was good. "So how have you been, Hijikata-san? I haven't seen you around Edo lately."

"Aaah, I went with Kondou-san to Bushuu to scout some samurais to join the shinsengumi. We found some promising men, but the green behind their ears still needs some washing before they can dare call themselves a part of the shinsengumi."

"Is that so. Knowing you Hijikata-san, I always feel sorry for the newbies in the shinsengumi, but you wouldn't push them so hard if you didn't believe in them. Shinsengumi is truly lucky to have you on their side. You've proven too many times of that." Shinpachi gave the vice chief an appreciative smile.

Hijikata stared at him, and then blew his smoke towards the ceiling. "Heh. Are you trying to butter me up for something? Or is that some kind of habit you learned from your night job in Yoshiwara." Shinpachi froze in shock. "Sougo told me when I came back that you were working at a gay club in Yoshiwara with that bastard of a boss."

The eighteen-year-old felt his face flush red. "I-I can explain!"

"There's nothing to explain. Nothing's wrong with being a host. I'm just surprised. You also seem more charming. It's pissing me off honestly." Hijikata was always honest, and to the point.

Shinpachi understood. He realized that he was indeed trying to butter up Hijikata, and felt ashamed for his sudden lapse into his host self. "...Sorry. I ca-" He was about to say, "I can't help it when I am around a handsome man like you, Hijikata-san." But then knew that that was his host self speaking. He tried to revert back to his usual self, but all he could say was, "I'm sorry."

Hijikata was aware that he may hurt Shinpachi's feelings, so he quickly clarified, "It's okay. I'm well aware that the work of a host must be tough on you. It's just that I would like for you to treat me like one of your friends instead of one of your customers."

The younger samurai immediately understood. He was glad that he didn't make the older man want to stay away from him. "I understand. Sorry for my rudeness. Being a host is truly a tough job if it's not suited for you. I thought that I wouldn't be able to satisfy enough costumers for their return through just talking to them since my appearance isn't worth a second glance. But surprisingly, even if my appearance is plain, I can still reach into the heart of my customers by making them happy. I feel a bit guilty for manipulating them to spend money through a love that isn't real, but anue-e said that real love is free while the idea of it has a price. It's up to us to decide on which one we truly want. Unfortunately for us superficial creatures, we pick the idea over the real version of love because the other is much safer and beautiful to grasp in our hands."

Then Shinpachi realized that he let himself babble, "Excuse me, Hijikata-san. I got ahead of myself again. You must have gotten bored since you don't believe in love in the first place."

"Not at all. I'm used to it," The teen focused his sight on the thorny, and saw a relaxed smile on those lips. "since this is the usual Shinpachi."

Shinpachi felt his whole face heat up. He began spluttering, "I-I see! Well, the pay is really good! Me and Gin-san are actually making decent money, but the club is finally getting enough hosts to fill the place, so we'll be out by next week! Thank goodness! Because I couldn't take all that drinking! I can't remember how many times I've puked until now! I don't know how anue-e does it! It's also a relief because I won't get any more dirty looks! Gin-san told me that I shouldn't mind, but if any of them looked rich, then I should consider letting my real self go for just one night! Isn't that fu-"

"WHAT DID THAT FUCKING RETARD TELL YOU?!" The officer got up with hellfire wrapped around him like a blazing aura. His true demon form slowly revealed itself.

"AAAAAH! WAIT! HIJIKATA-SAN! IT WAS A JOKE! A JOKE! You know how Gin-san is!" Shinpachi tried to stop the murderous government officer from leaving on his conquest of righteous justice for the youth. He wrapped his arms around the man's waist and used his body as a weight.

"THAT'S EXACTLY WHY I'M GONNA KILL HIM!"

"Dang it, Hijikata-san, even if it was an inappropriate joke, it's not like I'm the type to follow each and every word Gin-san says. You need to wait for my sister and Kondou-san to show up remember!"

That was true. "Tch. I'll let this go just this once, but you better tell that idiot samurai that he better stop with that sort of jokes. You're already at the legal age to be put in a prison that isn't filled with punk kids who didn't know better to begin with."

"I get it already. Sit back down, please." Shinpachi let go of him to sit at his original place. Hijikata did the same. "Besides, even if I am desperate for money, I would still never consider selling my own body. Have more faith in me, Hijikata-san."

"Sorry. I never liked that guy. I'm somewhat surprised that you didn't end up like him. A guy like that can inspire others like Kagura to be a lazy and reckless idiot but somehow makes everything alright in the end if they're lucky."

"Somebody has to take most of the responsibility or else the Yorozuya would be a mess. Every time I take a break for at least a week, I always come back to a dump, that sometimes I believe that they deliberately mess up the place so I can clean it up for them. Even when I gave them a calendar of who would take my turn to do certain chores, I find the calendar ripped in shreds, and by the faint dark marks I find, they were obviously trying to trick the other into thinking it was their turn instead." Shinpachi was smiling, but then he turned his head at the right angle to have his eyeglasses gleam. "I can't help worrying about their diet and living conditions whenever I leave. Gin-san would leave magazines where they're not supposed to be, and Kagura-chan would have an unstable balanced meal. Also, they'd forget to bathe Sadaharu since they're the type to become nose blind to his smell unless it's really bad."

Shinpachi felt a hand on his shoulder. Hijikata empathized, "I understand. Taking care of the shinsengumi can be a pain since some of them think that they can break the rules when I'm not watching, and will not make them commit seppuku once I do."

"Uhm, no, I wouldn't take it to that extreme." Especially since he's the weakest of the trio. Possibly still weaker than Sadaharu. Even if he was stronger, he still wouldn't tell them to commit suicide for their disobedience.

Wanting to change the topic, Shinpachi said, "You're turning thirty next month, Hijikata-san. Kondou-san told me that you should finally consider settling down since your twenties is a time for self-indulgence while your thirties is a time to settle down since you practically already have everything else settled."

"I don't want to hear that from a guy in his thirties and still chasing your sister while avoiding marriage like the plague."

"Maybe you should consider it, Hijikata-san. Please don't mind my frankness, but have you considered having children?"

"My life doesn't have room for a wife and kids. I am dedicated to my work, that owning a family would become a hindrance." The single man replied with cruel certainty. Shinpachi found that sad to hear, but not everyone was fit to have a family. He couldn't imagine Gin-san and many other men he knew to have families. "What about you?"

"Eh? Oh, uhm..." Shinpachi considered his sexuality first. If he were to fall for a man, then obviously they wouldn't be able to make children of their own together, so he replied, "It's too early for me to consider of whether I want to have kids, but if the person I love wants to have kids, and if...we aren't able to make them ourselves, I'm open for adoption. There aren't that many adoption agencies these days since less women are getting pregnant by accident, so we'll see. I just hope that I can be a good father."

"What are you saying? Of course you would be. If you are able to keep those two in line, then taking care of kids should be a cinch for you. I doubt that they can be as reckless and a danger to the environment as those two." Hijikata said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

The megane felt his chest warm up, his pride boost up, and his cheeks turning pink. He looked down with a thankful smile. "Thank you Hijikata-san. I should say the same for you. If you are able to keep the shinsengumi in track, then disciplining kids should be easy, too."

"The shinsengumi is filled with warriors. Kids are just brats playing in the mud, not bothering to think about the consequences. If I were to be a father, my kids'll hate me for sure."

"That's what your wife is for." The teen pointed out. "Raising kids is a team effort. I bet if you have a wife who loves children and loves you, then she can act as a mediator between the both of you. Plus, your work is very important. Kids won't understand at first, but I'm sure that in time, they'll learn to appreciate the effort you put in to making Edo a safe place. You'd be a hero in their eyes."

"Hero?" Hijikata felt like that word was out of place for a thorny like him, but he understood what Shinpachi meant. For his own son or daughter to look up to him as a source of inspiration, strength and safety...He began to feel his own chest warm up at the idea, but he stifled it because he wasn't planning on having them for some petty but nice prediction.

He shoved their conversation, and tried to think of another topic that they could talk about. He gulped down his tea. The megane poured him some more.

As the younger samurai did, Hijikata stared at him. The teen had been taking good care of his hair, that it was a silky black with tips touching his shoulders. His face was losing its baby fat, so it was forming a handsome angular face. His eyes and lips were nothing special, but when they work together, they created this delicate balance of beauty like a flower with petals that could easily be taken from the storm, but its root stubbornly stayed in place.

"Damn pretty boy." The older samurai muttered.

"Huh?" Shinpachi didn't catch on to what Hijikata just said, and the smoker didn't look like he was going to tell him.

"Your sister is really taking her time. Over ten minutes had passed."

"I wonder what's taking her, too. She doesn't spend over an hour shopping. She's usually back before then. I just hope she didn't buy any eggs." The teen lightly joked, though the horror behind that joke made it seem like he just said a sadistic one.

"I'm home!" They heard Otae shout out. Shinpachi shout back that he was in the living room. The twenty-year-old female made her way there, and was surprised to see Hijikata there. "Oh! Hijikata-kun, what are you doing here?"

"I came here looking for Kondou. Have you seen him?"

"Kondou?" The woman wondered for a bit, and then remembered. "Ah! I saw him not too long ago. I mistook him for a rabid gorilla, and accidentally threw him over a bridge with bricks tied to his arms, legs, and mouth. He was gone before I realized what I've done." She replied sweetly, but there was obviously something wrong with her choice of words.

"Even if you say that, you would have done it. And how does one accidentally get thrown over the bridge like that?" Shinpachi deadpanned.

Hijikata was not surprised, but he was still horrified by what lengths the woman would go through to make things go her way. It was best that he escaped before he did anything wrong in front of the elder Shimura. He coolly got up, "Then I should be going then. Thank you for the tea."

Otae inquired, "Eh? Won't you stay for lunch? There's this new recipe that I wanted to make."

"Ah no-"

"Won't you stay, Hijikata-kun?" The woman smiled so sweetly that it was practically blinding, but the officer knew that that was because it had a bigger shadow behind it.

As much as he wanted to run, he knew that that was a fruitless effort to take. He reluctantly agreed to stay. He sat back down, but he was stiff on his knees with anime lines and atmosphere of despair dressed over him.

"That's great! Shin-chan do you mind entertaining our guest a bit longer longer until I'm done?"

"Sure. Please take as much time as you need." Shinpachi tried to not sound like he was pleading for his sister to take forever in that kitchen that was somehow a portal to the underworld that tortured eggs. When his sister was out of hearing range, he quietly told Hijikata, "I'm sorry. It's best that you sneak out now before she comes back. I'll cover for you."

The officer felt guilty for leaving, but he had faith that Shinpachi would survive, so he quickly apologized and made a run for it by leaping onto one of the backyard tree branches and then leaping through the wall.

"Oh! Toushi! What are doing here? What were you doing in Otae-chan's home?" The officer looked to his right to see his commander completely drenched in water with torn clothes due to the rocks in the river, and covered in bruises that showed signs of being tied up and beaten to a pulp.

Used to such a sight, he merely said, "Ah, commander, we have important business to attend to in a few minutes."

"Ah?! Really?! Oh right! I forgot! Well, we better get going!" The man made his way through. Hijikata saw that the back of his pants was ripped, which exposed his ass that had a fish wiggling inside it.

Shadows cast over Hijikata's eyes. He decided that it was best to call one of his men to pick them up.

._._._.

"Eh? A missiles cult?" Kondou said in bewilderment. He was finely dressed with gauze compresses. The shinsengumi also got the fish out, and bought medical supplies for the hemorrhoids.

Right now, him, Hijikata and Okita were present at a hotel and knelled in front of Director Matsudaira. The sunglasses wearing mad man replied, "There's been news that this cult had attacked several planets before our own and plan on coming here next. This cult is known to shoot willy nilly like a pre-school boy discovering puberty with missiles containing strange chemicals that can turn us into anything they want like a play-doh fun factory. We don't want to tip off these bastards, so I need you shinsengumi to track them down and prevent them from launching those missiles."

Kondou replied, "Understood. Leave it to us, old man."

That made the gray-haired lunatic smile with that cigarette hanging from his mouth. "Ha. I'm counting on you." he made his way out.

When he was gone, Sougo commented, "A missile cult that admires missiles that doesn't kill people, but turns their targets into whatever they desire. This is your chance Hijikata-san to finally become pure and clean instead of rotten from the core."

"I don't want to hear that from someone who's rotten from underneath their core." The man berated, and then faced their commander, "Kondou-san, we should get Yamazaki and his team searching on this before we make our move."

The gorilla nodded, "Agreed. It is our duty as the shinsengumi to reassure Edo's peace, so we should apprehend this cult and take custody of these missiles, because if we don't, one of those missiles could make Otae-chan fall for me, and we can finally have the family that we've been dreaming of for years!"

"No. There's no such missile like that that exist." his faithful officers replied simultaneously.

"EEEH?! Why did you say that? Do you really think that there's no missile that can win me Otae-chan's heart! Then how about a missile that can make me extremely handsome that Otae-chan just has to get with me?!"

"No." Hijikata replied.

"Then what about one that-"

"No." Sougo replied.

"But I didn't even say anything!"

"It's a lost cause." Hijikata said.

"It's best to give up now. Not even a miracle can help you." Sougo advised.

"Don't say that! I'll definitely win Otae-chan! I will!"

"Not a chance." They said simultaneously again.

Kondou huddled himself at a corner crying with a gloomy atmosphere around him.

Hijikata and Sougo made their way out without him, and made their way to the station to sleep.

The next day, the vice chief told Yamazaki of his new duties where he had to figure out anything that he could about this missile cult that could be hiding in Edo.

The diligent spy went on gathering information at the streets, bars, and other shady places that would have that kind of information. In about two days, he found some interesting info.

He reported to Hijikata, "It looks like the missile cult isn't so random after all. There's word on the street that they decide on their target and the type of missile being used by the highest bidder at an underground auction. This sort of auctioning started a month ago, but it will go on for three months since there's quite a diverse supply. Also apparently anyone can attend, but there's one exception, you have to bring a date."

"A date?"

"The cult has this strong belief that single people are losers and should go die. Aah, since I'm single, it looks like I'm going to have to find a date, so I could enter and check if the missiles are in that location or a possible clue of where it could be. I came here to ask for your permission if I could bring someone into this mission despite how dangerous it is."

Hijikata thought about it. Yamazaki was shinsengumi's best spy, and this was a delicate mission. They cannot be caught or else the enemy may launch the missiles prematurely. "Fine, but make sure that the one you choose is someone you can trust and can protect themselves if anything goes wrong. The shinsengumi can't afford causalities of innocents dragged into our line of work."

The older officer nodded. "I already have the best candidate to come with me."

Scene change to Otose's snack bar. At least outside of the bar behind a pole.

"You can do this Yamazaki. You just need to go in there and ask her to help you on your mission. It's not like it's a real date. A real first date would be going out to get coffee. Not going to an underground illegal auction to gather evidence for the sake of peace in Edo. That's right! It's definitely not a date! Not a date at all! So let's go...ah? Somehow my legs won't move." Yamazaki inwardly sighed at his own cowardice, and then nearly jumped out of his skin when he was caught.

"Yamazaki-san?" Shinpachi was surprised to see the spy. They usually met anywhere else on the street except for in front of the bar. "Did you come here to see Gin-san?"

"Ah! Shinpachi! Ah no! No! I actually came here to see Tama-san about something. Is she working today?"

"Tama-san? I'm sorry, Yamazaki-san, but Tama-san got a virus."

"AH! A virus! Is she okay?!"

The teen nodded. "It's not that serious. She has a reliable friend inside her to cure her, but she will need a few days, possibly even a week, to recuperate. Would you like me to relay the message for you?"

"Ah, no. That's okay." Yamazaki inwardly screamed at how inconvenient that was! He didn't plan ahead for this type of thing, and he needed a date soon! He was going on the mission tomorrow night, and he can't bail or else his vice captain would kill him! He tried to think of every other Gintama girl he knew, but he wasn't close to a majority of them, and the ones he was close with were...not exactly easy to work with.

Shinpachi could read the distress on his face. He knew Yamazaki pretty well so he could tell that he was in deep trouble because Tama-san was unavailable, and he didn't have any alternatives. Not one to leave the poor officer into the hands of Hijikata, he asked, "Is something wrong, Yamazaki? Would you like me to help you with anything?"

That question bought Yamazaki out of his internal doom. The spy then noticed two colorful paper bags that the male was holding. "Did you buy clothes, Shinpachi?"

"Oh no, these are my uniforms for my job at Yoshiwara, and the other one is for Saigou-san's bar. He was short handed so Gin-san and I were called in to help tonight."

"You sound like you will be busy like usual."

"Nah. I was given three days off from my job in Yoshiwara, but I will still be leaving by next week. I'm free for the next two nights tomorrow."

"I see. I see." Then it hit the spy. He's seen Shinpachi crossdress, and he didn't look bad since the younger teen was a plain, pretty boy. "Ah, Shinpachi, you could help me!"

"Eh?"

Yamazaki pulled the teen into an alley to explain the details. Shinpachi was surprised, and he agreed to help. Yamazaki told him that he would pay for his services. Shinpachi knew better than to deny so thanked him.

"Here." The officer gave Shinpachi a bag. "It's a dress I rented for Tama-san, but you two are not that different in stature and build, so it should fit okay."

"That's really thoughtful, Yamazaki-san. Jaa, I'll see you tomorrow afternoon at four so we can go over further details."

"Great. See you then."

The two parted ways. Shinpachi made his way up into the Yorozuya household. "I'm back!" He called as he made his way into the living room.

 _MUNCH! MUNCH! MUNCH!_

 _CHUMP! CHUMP! CHUMP!_

 _SNORE! SNORE! SNORE!_

Shinpachi felt his vein about to pop at the sight of Kagura who grew over two-hundred pounds, and Sadaharu who grew about four hundred pounds, and Gin-san who was still sleeping off his supposed hangover even though it was already the afternoon. "OOOOI! Kagura! Sadaharu! I told you two to hold back on eating! You're on a diet remember! And Gin-san! I told you last night to eat something before you slept so you wouldn't have a hang over again!"

"Shut up!"

"Aff!"

Gin-san got up looking worse for wear. He justified himself by pointing the finger. "It's not my fault that the author spoiled us!"

"Yeah, aru! It's not my fault that she filled our fridge with all the sukonbu and all our favorite food that we wanted!"

"Just because she filled our fridge, doesn't mean that you guys have to empty it every time! The two of you are bound to fall through the floor, and Gin-san is bound to die of alcohol poisoning added with his diabetes!"

"Shut up!" Gin-san scolded again! "It's your fault for being the protagonist! We weren't even in the second Gintama fic she wrote! I'm supposed to be the protagonist! Gin was written at the start of title for a reason! GINtoki! Seriously, I wonder where she even get the idea of putting the megane as the protagonist."

"Don't pin this on me! Anyway, you two better get a hold of yourselves because I'm going to" everyone began to steer away from listening, and selectively picked his words, "blah blah blah blah date blah blah blah Yamazaki blah blah blah tomorrow blah blah at the park blah blah blah at four blah blah blah!" Then their listening tuned up again, "If you three need me, I will be taking care of the laundry or preparing dinner before getting ready to work at Saigo-san's bar! Gin-san, you're going, too, remember, so get dressed!" He went into one of the rooms.

Forgetting that last bit, Kagura and Gin-san looked at each other as they thought the same thing, _"Shinpachi is gay? Oh wait, he likes Otsuu. He's bi?"_

"Gin-chan, what are we going to do! I don't know how to raise a gay son! We all learn the birds and the bees, but is it the same when both the birds and the bees are men! Can men have babies together?!"

"No they can't! And calm down! We must've heard wrong."

Shinpachi reentered and shouted as he placed a bag on the floor, "I'm placing this bag over here! The both of you better not touch it! It's the dress that I'm wearing for my date with Yamazaki tomorrow!" He closed the door again.

Shadows cast over Gintoki's and Kagura's eyes. They whispered to each other with Sadaharu mixed into it.

"We can't let Shinpachi date that piece of trash! If they do, they'll become the mediocre duo, aru!"

"Aff!"

"Don't worry! We can stop this! We just have to make sure that Shinpachi doesn't go on that date and make that tax robber think that he stood him up! There's no way we're going to hand our son over to one of the shinsengumi! Usually I'm okay with Shinpachi going on a date, but right now I feel like a father trying to prevent his daughter from dating some sleazy guy on a motorbike! And no matter how many times the father tries to stop her, and even when its obviously a bad idea, she still goes out of her way to make us all miserable! I mean have you see the mohawk that he's hiding under that wig! Shinpachi should've known better than to date a guy like that!"

"We should get Anego on our side!"

"Good! Good! You and Sadaharu go get her! Also get others on our side to stop this date from happening no matter what! Do you hear me?!"

"Aye yea, commander! C'mon Sadaharu!" The two fatsos struggled to get out of the door which results in both doors being destroyed in the process, and citizens squashed beneath them as they rolled their way there.

Gintoki ignored the screams of agony and despair to prepare a plan for action tomorrow.

._._._.

"Eh? Shinpachi will be your date?" Hijikata was surprised. He thought that the spy would've asked that robot maid instead.

"Yeah. I was going to ask Tama-san, but she caught a virus. She will be okay, but she couldn't be available, so I asked Shinpachi instead. He doesn't look half bad in drag, right?" Yamazaki replied casually. The two of them were at the shinsengumi headquarters, and the moon was high in the sky.

Hijikata didn't bother to answer that. Instead he said, "Will the rest of the Yorozuya join you?"

"Of course not. If they were included, the mission would go haywire, and we can't have that. Shinpachi and I will be meeting at the park tomorrow at four to talk over the details, and then we'll make our way to the underground auction. I hope he won't be tired. Tonight he's working at the Drag Queen Clubhouse for Mademoiselle Saigou."

That was useful to know. "Good job. I expect a report by the day after tomorrow at the earliest."

Yamazaki bowed, and then left.

Hijikata stayed where he sat with a contemplating look on his face. It's been awhile since he's seen Shinpachi. He sucked in his mayo tobacco, and then found himself in front of the clubhouse. He knew that he was being ridiculous, but he felt compelled to see the megane. It was best to make sure that the young man was up for the mission. Or so the proud man told himself.

But then telling himself that made him feel more ridiculous. Of course, Shinpachi would be ready for tomorrow. There was no reason to go inside. A part of him wanted to enter, but then he chose to keep on walking.

Just then Gintoki and Shinpachi exited since it was the end of their shift. "It's really late tonight. There's barely anyone except for drunks walking around during this time." The younger samurai pointed out.

Gintoki yawned loudly while scratching the back of his head. "What did you expect? It's the weekday. Everyone must be sleeping soundly in their bed with one of their lonely hands holding onto their manhood and the other holding onto a magazine or a remote." He picked his nose as he lazily looked around. He stopped when he thought he spotted someone who looked eerily familiar, but it would be strange to see them walking during this time of night in a yukata.

"Can you please refrain from being yourself for one night, Gin-san." Shinpachi half-heartily muttered. "Well then, good night, Gin-san. See you tomorrow."

"Ah? Sure. See ya."

The two of them parted on different ways.

Shinpachi didn't mind walking home as Pachi. He had his sword with him, and he was confident in his skills to protect himself.

But on his way, he saw a person of the law, instead of a bandit, wagging his foot. "Shit! WHY IS THERE DOG CRAP HERE! I'm gonna hunt down the owner for not picking up after their stupid mutt!"

"Hijikata-san?" Shinpachi ran over to the man who looked frantic to hide himself, but then stood up straight, trying to look all composed despite having dog crap under his sandal. "What are you doing out here in your yukata? Were you taking a late walk?"

"Uh, ye-yeah. I couldn't sleep, so I figured a walk would help. Did you finish your shift at Mademoiselle Saigou's club? Yamazaki told me that you would be working there tonight. It's a little too late to end your shift, isn't it?" Hijikata casually asked with a hint of concern behind his tone.

Shinpachi thoughtfully replied, "I was, but it's okay. I'll be awake and refreshed to go on my undercover date with Yamazaki tomorrow."

"Make sure of that. Did you tell the others?"

"I did, but you don't have to worry. Kagura-chan and Gin-san won't interrupt us. In fact, they seem to support me to go. Anue-e, too." There was something off about them, but that was nothing new.

That didn't sound promising to the officer though. "You better make sure of that because if this mission goes south, I'll have to lock up you yorozuya for obstruction of justice."

"Eh?! Hijikata-san, that's harsh. I'm going out of my way to help, and you're already threatening me and treating me like a common criminal! And here I thought that you had more faith in me." Shinpachi wasn't all that upset, but he liked listening to Hijikata's responses to his words.

The man quickly and stubbornly clarified, "It's not you that I don't have faith in. It's that silver haired perm and china girl that I don't believe in at all. If they get involved, this whole mission can become unnecessarily messy and the shinsengumi is the one responsible for cleaning it up."

"That's true, but you have to admit that we make things more exciting, and everything ends for the best." The teen slyly smiled, which pissed off the officer.

"Don't get cheeky with me, brat."

"Ah, it's a beautiful full moon tonight."

"Oi! Don't ignore me!"

"Well then, Hijikata-san, I better get home."

"Ah...Want me to walk you home? You're more than capable to protect yourself, but by the way you're dressed, it will attract unnecessary attention."

That was true. "Are you sure, Hijikata-san? My home and the shinsengumi's headquarters are pretty far from each other."

"It's okay. I came out to take a walk anyway. Let's go." The man began walking towards the megane's home.

Shinpachi smiled at his kindness, but he quickly said, "Thank you, Hijikata-san, but it will be a little difficult walking next to you since you stepped on dog poop."

The officer froze when he remembered it, and felt embarrassed, but did his best to remain composed. The two of them found an outdoor faucet in an alley to wash the crap off.

"Shit. It still stinks." Hijikata grumbled as he tried to scrape the remaining shit off his sandal against a wall.

"At least most of the poop is off." Shinpachi pointed out. Then noticed a bandage wrapped around Hijikata's leg. "Did you get hurt during one of your missions?"

"Huh?" The officer looked down and saw the bandage. He explained, "It's nothing to worry about. One of the joui bastards got lucky, but he didn't make it that deep of a wound, so it'll heal in day."

"That's good to know. I..." Shinpachi turned his head toward the street as he spoke, but froze when he saw two men kissing passionately in the middle of it. He turned away blushing madly.

Hijikata was confused, and looked at the street to see the two men. "What do those two think they're doing? Don't they know that doing that sort of thing in the middle of the night in a place like Edo only attracts unneeded attention by low-brained scum. OI! YOU TWO! GO HOME OR I'LL MAKE YOU BOTH COMMIT SEPPUKU!" The two men immediately ran away.

Shinpachi was shocked by the mayo-addict's forwardness to interrupt such a bold and passionate scene. He felt his cheeks heat up more that his mind felt thick with air. He shyly inquired with eyes still diverting from the street. "Is it really that bad for two boyfriends to walk out in the middle of the night than a straight couple?"

"It's dangerous for a couple to be walking in the middle of the night either way, unless one of them is prepared to lay down their life for the other in case they were ambushed." Hijikata replied.

"I-I see." Shinpachi had seen men kiss before, but no matter how many times he had, he felt his heart spike up at the sight of it. He wondered what this meant for him. He didn't want to think that straight men would be disgusted by the sight, but at the same time, he didn't think that it would excite them either. He really wished he had the answer.

The shinsengumi vice chief noticed his reddened cheeks and troubled expression by the faint glow of the street lamp. "Is something wrong, Shinpachi?"

The megane felt goosebumps all over his body at the question. "What?! No! No! Everything is fine!"

Telling an obvious lie, Hijikata connected the scene from earlier to Shinpachi's expression. "Don't tell me..."

"AAH! NO! I-IT'S NOT-"

"SHUT UP! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!" One of the resident's shouted from their window.

"I'M SORRY!" Shinpachi earnestly apologized with a bow.

When the resident disappeared, Hijikata said, "There's nothing wrong with having those sorts of interests. You're still a samurai who has ways to go before discovering every part of himself. There's nothing to feel ashamed about."

Shinpachi understood that Hijikata was trying to be nice, but he got it somewhat wrong. Not wanting to make things confusing, he found his bearings to confess, "Like I tried to say, it's not like that. I'm not sure if I-" He tried to make eye contact, but became shy. "am like that. I always thought that I was interested only in girls, but that's only because I never bothered to explore my sexuality. Not that I have been exploring! Not like that! I-I'm just starting with trying to figure out why I react the way I do when I have these thoughts. I know I shouldn't be embarrassed, but anyone would be embarrassed when they don't have an answer for a question that people would ask. If I make a mistake, there can be trouble that could've been avoided. Like my undercover date with Yamazaki-san tomorrow."

"Yamazaki?" The officer's interest was peaked.

Shinpachi reluctantly nodded. "Mm. I'm not in love with Yamazaki-san, but if I were to be bisexual and had to choose a man to date out of everyone I know, I guess I would've picked Yamazaki-san if he was interested. We understand each other, and to be honest, I may even be a little interested in him." Hijikata knew he shouldn't mind Shinpachi's choice, but his hand formed a fist on its own and clenched hard. "Yamazaki-san can be a little bold with what he does, but it's one of the great things about him that could make me fall for him."

Hijikata didn't think before he spoke, "It's best not to get your hopes up. Yamazaki is a ladies man and you shouldn't fall for someone just to quench your curiosity. Just like a bee that makes honey naturally and a bee that makes honey artificially, which one do you think would make the sweetest batch? You won't get what's best for you if you go out of your way only to prove something right without gaining anything real in the end."

Shinpachi felt those wise words fall on his chest heavily. The older man was right. He was acting reckless with himself, and being unfair with Yamazaki. If he did try to gain something with the officer for his own sake, then he would've been selfish.

Though it was true, the straight (as in comedy) man was compelled to say, "That's cheap coming from someone who claims that love is an illusion. What do you know?"

"OI! I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL WHELP!"

The megane softly snorted. "I'm kidding! Mah. Mah. We should be going now. The smell from your sandal doesn't bother me anymore."

"Tch. Just because it's in the shinsengumi rule book to be gentle with you, doesn't mean I won't teach you a lesson to respect your elders." The older, pissed off samurai muttered.

"Yes. Yes. I'm sorry." The two walked together to the young samurai's home. It was a fifteen minute walk, so they still had time to talk. Shinpachi decided to plead, "Can you please not tell anyone about this? Anue-e, Gin-san and Kagura-chan doesn't know about this since I'm not sure if I am becoming bisexual or not."

The honest man replied, "It's none of my business to tell, so your secret's safe with me. Does anyone else know?"

"Only Saigo-san and his hostesses. They're the ones who helped me understand that I was being bi-curious. In my case, they're the only ones that I can turn to for help, but telling you all this has helped me feel better about the situation. Maybe I'm better off not bothering to figure this out since I don't fall for people, men most of all, easily."

"Then why not find a male idol to fall for like that Otsuu girl you fond over." Even after the idol battle or having her for a commander, he still couldn't see the appeal of her.

"ABSOLUTELY NOT! It's against regulation number 14 of the terakudo Tsuu's imperial creed to fall for any other idol other than Otsuu-chan!"

Hijikata felt an animated sweat drop on his head. He almost forgot about this young man's strong obsession with the singer. "I was only giving you a suggestion. Does one of your regulations prevent you from dating anyone at all? If I remember right during my time as Tosshi, one of them states that."

The fan club's captain firmly answered, "We are allowed to date anyone we want to, but our hearts only belongs to Otsuu-chan! It's forbidden for a member to plan a date with his significant other if its on the day of one of Otsuu-chan's concerts unless the date takes place there." He added, "Otsuu-chan has been becoming more popular, so the Terakado Tsuu's imperial guards have been increasing. It's starting to become a bit hectic keeping them in line, but if it's for Otsuu-chan's popularity's sake, then it's worth the trouble. Do you still have Tosshi's honorary fan club ID card?"

"Of course I do. What do you take me for?"

"I just wanted to make sure. Though I only knew him for a little while, I miss him."

"...He's in a better place now. A guy like him was able to find peace. That's all anyone could ever wish for on the last seconds of their life."

Shinpachi was consoled by those words. He didn't know what else to say, so he asked of how the samurai's day was. Both of their days were rather dull since Hijikata had to do paper work all day. Being a hostess was all Shinpachi had to do other than taking care of the Yorozuya.

Eventually, the two finally arrived at the younger samurai's home. "Thank you for walking me, Hijikata-san."

"It was nothing." Hijikata said, and then was surprised to get a kiss on the cheek.

"Sorry, but it wouldn't be polite if I left you without a proper thank you from a lady." Shinpachi gave a wink, and then entered his home. When he did, his whole face went as red as a scarlet tomato. HE DIDN'T MEAN TO KISS THE OFFICER ON THE CHEEK! He wasn't thinking! And what kind of explanation was that! How was he going to face the officer after this! He wanted to bury himself alive and die!

Outside, Hijikata was still stunned by the kiss. Later, he found himself smiling to himself. He didn't know why he was smiling or why he found the event funny. He just did.

He lit himself a new cigarette and made his way home.

._._._.

A/N: That was the first chapter! I hope you *author sense tingling.*

Gintoki and Kagura: AAAAH!

*I leap out of the way before their feet crushed into my head and spine.*

Gintoki: Oi, you bitch! Why did we only get one scene!

Kagura: And why did you make me fat! I should have the body of a model, aru!

Me: I told you not to eat everything at once! Plus I'm not very good at jokes, so deal with my sense of humor!

Gintoki: What sense of humor? You have as much humor as a movie I could've been able to pinpoint if you actually exposed yourself to pop culture! You hobo!

Me: Shut up! It's my fanfiction, and I very well do what I please! Plus get out of my author's note! Don't you know that authors talking to their characters is uncool and outdated!

Kagura: As if anyone cares what the author has to say! You also skip over other authors' notes!

Me: Gck! Well, it's not like I expect them to read mine in return. I actually hope that they don't because I get really personal and emotional in my notes because of my lack of confidence in writing fanfiction despite doing it for 4 years. Hijikata's character is really complex! He's a mix of a badass with a tsundere, a weirdo and some of Gintoki's character mixed into him! Your characters are easy because all I have to think of is that Kagura's a child trying to be a grown up, and she actually does act like one when it comes to being the mediator and the voice of wisdom for her friends and family, but I have to avoid making her too childish or too wise because she's still a growing girl! For Gintoki, all I have to do is think of a useless old man who likes telling stories, giving words of advice and complains too much like a child who doesn't like to loose! For Shinpachi, just think cute, polite, and normal, but has the tendency to exaggerate and be abused by your whims.

Sougo: What about my character?

Kagura: What are you doing here bastard!

Sougo: it's the author's note and I barely got a say in the last one since you and the other fat chicks were hogging the spotlight.

Kagura: YOU-

Me: For Sougo, I have to think cruel, but childish in the sense of actually being a child like Kagura. He holds an air of aloof coolness to him even when he can act clumsy and goofy, too.

Kagura: Ha! She called you childish and clumsy! What do you think of that you super sadist! Hahahaha!

Sougo: She also called you childish, and also flat-chested and stupid.

Kagura: She didn't say that at all!

*The two start fighting each other in the background. I ignore them.*

Me: I don't want to make Shinpachi a mary sue, but in my next chapter, I want you guys to act like the villains like when parents try to sabotage their child's happiness for the sake of peace.

Gintoki: I see. Will we have bigger roles this time.

Me: Not sure. I make these things as they go. I don't actually plan like Master Hideaki Sorachi, but I hope to at least keep this under ten chapters.

Gintoki: Eh? But your last story was over thirty chapter!

Me: That was because it was Yugioh! Their characters are stereotypical. You guys are too complex for a young, inexperienced, antisocial girl like me to wrap my head around. Besides, this is a romantic fic. The idealistic romance that I'm writing doesn't fit into the world of Gintama, and I like to feel like I am writing with some realism that could've fit into the anime. Even if it wouldn't, I wouldn't mind being tricked into thinking it does. So depending on my uneasiness, I'll consider whether this fic deserves a continuation over ten chapters.

*Faces reader who is actually reading this*

Me with almost every other Gintama character: So see you next time! Please leave a review!


	3. Gintama episodes

Chapter 2: Some Gintama episodes can be so shameless, that it's hard to watch because you feel embarrassed for them

"Thank you for the meal." Shinpachi said after having breakfast with his older sister, Otae-chan. He also informed her, "Remember that I'll be home late tonight anue-e, so don't wait up for me."

"Okay, Shin-chan. Please be safe."

"I will!" The teen left with his bag of clothes that he will change in for his date with Yamazaki. He was going to explain the situation to his sister yesterday, but she told him that Kagura had already done that, and Otae seemed to take it a little too emotionally. She said something about being someone who he can always come to about these sort of things, even if she barely understood. He knew that very well, so he believed that they left that topic on a bright note.

Unfortunately for him, his sister was plotting with Kagura and the others on how to ruin him.

The team (Gintoki, Kagura, Otae, Hasegawa, Tama, and Kyuubei) met at her house.

Kondou: Alright! It's time for "Stop Shinpachi from dating Yamazaki plan"! *Head is smashed to the table*

Otae: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

Kondou: I overheard you and Kagura-chan talking yesterday, and even though I have faith that Yamazaki will be a good partner for Shinpachi, love is nothing if not challenged. *Head is smashed into the table again*

Gintoki: IDIOT! We're not here to challenge their love! We're here to prevent it! I don't know how deep Shinpachi's feelings are for this piece of garbage, but as a mother, I will not allow it! *Is dressed like a victorian woman*

Kondou: You're the mother?!

Otae: I can't allow this either. I didn't raise him to date a hooligan. *dressed like a victorian lady, too.*

Kondou: How is Yamazaki a hooligan?! Compared to the other shinsengumi members, he's actually the most straight edged of them all!

Kagura: Shinpachi is too good for that pimple stain in society! *dressed like a victorian lady also*

Kondou: He's been reduced to a pimple?! It's not like Shinpachi is that big of a catch!

Hasegawa: So what did you guys have planned?

The trio victorian ladies' eyes gleamed.

Shinpachi entered the Yorozuya office. "Good morning!" He called out and noticed an awful stench! "UGh! What is that? Did Sadaharu take a dump in here?! Do we have to housebreak him, again?" He found a note attached to the door. He read, "Dear Shinpachi, we had a job to do, and won't be back in a while. It also turns out that today is an inspection from the old hag. If the place isn't cleaned spotless before three, then we will be kicked out and not allowed to return again. Love Kagura and Gin-chan. P.S. Sadaharu did take a dump in there. P.S.S. I just wanted to write P.S.S."

"..." He opened the second door, and was welcomed by a green mosaic mixed with hues of blue and green and a spot of yellow. The air was fogged with a deadly poison that made Shinpachi hurl. He looked at the clock to see that it was almost nine o'clock. That left him with six hours. That seemed a lot, but if you actually looked at the mess, it would take a whole day to clean this with only two set of hands.

Back at the Dojo...

Hasegawa: That's terrible! But isn't the date taking place at four?

Gintoki (eyes gleaming): It is, but we'll arrive exactly at three, and tell Shinpachi that the old hag allowed us two more hours! And once we're done, it'll be too late for him to go on his date! He'll be too tired to remember, so Yamazaki will be left to think that he's been stood up! Then we'll trick them both to get soooo angry at each other like two chickens in a cock fight that they won't ever want to see each other again!

The victorian trio with fans: Hohohohoho!

Kondou: I really don't get the reference that the author is making with this one! Is it supposed to be funny, or is she trying to have fun by herself?!

Tama: If I may speak, if that is true, then why have you called all of us here?

Otae: It's simple Tama-chan. We called you specifically, so Shinpachi won't be able to ask for your help. Plus we had fun last night wrecking the place, correct?

Kagura: Sadaharu really had a blast shitting everywhere! It makes me feel bad for Patsuan, but we did it for his sake.

Kondou: What kind of wild party were you having exactly?!

Hasegawa: Last night was really a riot. I feel sorry that he's the one who has to clean the puke I left behind.

Kyuubei: I only came along to help Otae-chan, and I hope that the blood and pad I left behind won't be that big of a problem.

Kondou: I'm scared to know where that blood came from!

Otae: Thank you, Kyuu-chan. So while we wait to take our next plan in action, why don't we have some tamagoyaki.

Gintoki: Uh, I just remembered! I have a thing to do!

Kagura: Me too, aru!

Hasegawa: Ditto!

Everyone tried to flee with their excuses, but the doors were somehow locked, and the plates of burnt diseases were placed on the table.

Otae: Don't be shy. Eat up. There's lots left! Kyuu-chan and Tama-chan are enjoying their food.

Everyone else: That's because they're not human!

Kondou: Hahahaha! You guys should be ashamed of yourselves for trying to leave without eating Otae-chan's cooking! *Black mosaic is forced down his throat by the woman*

Otae: Shut up, gorilla! You shouldn't be here in the first place! And what did my brother mean that he'll be home LATE tonight! HUH?! Is that stupid excuse of a tennis playing moron planning to take my sweet, innocent, little brother's innocence! He's still a virgin y'know! I won't allow it! I definitely won't allow it! *Has been beating the holy sit out of Kondou while she was yelling*

Everyone else not wanting to eat the food of death tried to sneak out, but the woman caught them, and forced the food down their throats physically, emotionally, or mentally.

Kagura and Gintoki felt great regret for adding the sick woman into their scheme.

Six grueling hours later...

"Shi-Shinpachi, we-we're home!" Gintoki tried to say cheerfully, but the burnt eggs in his stomach and the burning in his ass was killing him. Sadaharu carried the defeated Kagura into the house with a smiling Otae behind them. There was no answer from the megane. Gintoki cried out louder, "SHINPACHI! We're hooome!"

"Gin-san?" The otaku opened the door, and he was dirty from head to toe, but behind him was a sparkling living room. All four of their jaws dropped and eyes were overshadowed. "Ah, anue-e! What are you doing here?"

The shocked sister composed herself to answer, "I-I came here thinking you guys needed an extra hand! But I can see that you cleaned the whole place! Wow Shin-chan! Ho-how did you do it?"

"Oh, this was really nothing. I'm used to cleaning up after everyone's mess, so I already had the cleaning supplies I needed to finish the job before the inspection. If Otose comes in to do her inspection, can you tell her that I'm in the shower. I really need one. I'll also be getting ready for my date, so I'll be in there for a while if you don't mind." The teen entered the bathroom, and the sound of water rushing was heard.

The three humans and dog stared at the bathroom's door and then huddled together.

Gintoki: This is not good! Now that I think of it, Shinpachi always finished the chores in a blink of an eye! He's at Tama's level of cleaning powers! What kind of brother did you raise!

Otae: This may be due to all those times I dressed Shin-chan in all those maid outfits when we were playing house as kids!*

Gintoki: What kind of house were you playing?!

Kagura: This is bad, Gin-chan! If Shinpachi goes on that date, and fall for that bastard, he'll be stolen from us, aru! He'll be their maid, aru!

Sadaharu: Aff!

Gintoki: Sadaharu is right. We've been playing it too safe! In fact, wasn't this plan a little lame?

Otae: It couldn't be helped. We underestimated Shin-chan. We're in a two year skip fanfiction remember! All of our skills have strengthened like the characters from dragon ball Z.

Gintoki: You're right! Shinpachi's cleaning powers must've increased ten-fold! Now he's as strong as Tama!

Kagura: What are we going to do?!

Gintoki: Calm down. I had a backup plan just in case this happened. Call everyone! We'll need everyone's help to make this work!

The other three nodded, and they went into action.

After half an hour passed, Shinpachi stepped out of the bathroom in a cute traditional pink kimono with a yellow sash. His hair had clip on pigtails like usual, and his make up was fairly simple enough to make him look feminine. "Everyone, I'm done. Did Otose-san do her inspection?" He went into the living room, and was greeted by three Victorian dressed...ladies, and Sadaharu being dressed as a cat for some reason.

Gintoki started with a really annoying, bad British accent, "OH! Shinpachirella!"

"Who are you calling shinpachirella?!"

Gintoki ignored him, "Where do you think you're going? Auh?"

"Uhm, I'm going to go see Yamazaki. If I'm not needed here, I'll excuse myself now." He made his way towards the door.

"Wait!" Otae threw her fan like a kunai, and it breached through the wall beside Shinpachi.

"AAAH! Anue-e?! What was that for?!"

"Oops! Sorry Shin-chan! It's just that we do have one more task for you! We need you to deliver this to Kyuu-chan!" She handed him an envelope.

"Kyuubei-san? What about you guys?"

"Just do it, four eyes! You still have lots of time!" Kagura scolded him with an accusing finger.

"Now, now, Kagura-chan." Otae lightly chided. She said more politely to her little brother, "Shin-chan, the three of us have something important to do! So can you please deliver it to Kyuu-chan? It's really important!"

Shinpachi was curious of what they could possibly be doing that's so important with the outfits they were in, but he knew better than to question it. So he just smiled reassuringly instead. "Sure. Anything for you anue-e. Bye!" The crossdresser finally made it out the door.

The three humans and dog was wrapped with an evil black aura and demon like expressions.

Gintoki took out a walkie talkie, "Silver balls to Nine dick, our target virgin has left the building. Do you have a visual on target kill Jimmy? Over."

Kyuubei responded from the park. Her only disguise was her conical straw hat. "Nine dick to silver balls, I do not see target kill Jimmy yet. Over."

"Haaaaah? Doesn't that bastard know that its common courtesy to wait for your date an hour early! And Shinpachi was going to wait for him after working hard all day! You better leave some for me when you're done."

"Me too, aru!"

Otae agreed as she placed the chemicals and tub needed to make a body dissolve as if it never existed. "Let's get this over with! The gorilla is currently out cold and locked in the closet. When we are done with target Kill Jimmy, he's next."

"Uuuhm," Hasegawa was listening in from the streets. "Isn't this taking things to the extreme? I understand wanting to protect Shinpachi, but isn't changing the plan from separating the two after an argument to murdering two police officers and hiding the evidence a bit..."

"Not at all." They all answered simultaneously.

"How black hearted are you guys?!"

Tama reported from her side of the streets. "I have a visual on target virgin-sama. He's using a taxi to get to Kyuubei-sama's house. Should I slow him down?"

Gintoki's eye glinted. "Do it."

Tama faced her mop towards the taxi, and fired her missile!

Shinpachi was minding his business, but then his eyes widened when he saw the missile coming towards him from behind! He quickly grabbed hold of the wheel and steered them out of the way, and had his sword stab the gas pedal. But the missile had a tracking system, and exploded behind them. Shinpachi screamed as he was tossed with the vehicle turning over and crashed against a pole.

BOOM!

"..."

Gintoki called in, "Uh...Tama-chan, what was that? What was that explosion?"

"It appears that I may have killed target virgin-sama."

"WHAAAAT?!"

"Are you sure, aru! Are you really sure?!"

"YOU BITCH! If my little brother is harmed, the police officers aren't the only ones missing today!"

Hasegawa called in, "Wait guys, Shinpachi just passed me. It looks like he jumped out of the taxi before it exploded." Everyone relaxed. "But he seems to be running from something. AAAAAAH!"

"Madao! Madao!" Kagura cried out dramatically. "What happened?!"

Tama looked at where the explosion took place. "Oh my. The explosion took place next to a building that houses bulls. The sound must've scared them into escaping the facility and creating a stampede."

Everyone's eyes were shadowed as the realization donned on them.

"SHINPACHI!" They all burst through the doors and leaped for the streets to save their straight man while leaving the walkie talkie behind.

"Hello?! Hello?! Otae-san? Is anyone there?" Kyuubei tried to reach them, but then she saw her target kill jimmy! She unsheathed her sword and launched herself. "Target Kill Jimmy, you have been sentenced to die!"

While that was happening, Hijikata and Okita were car chasing Katsura who was running away while being dressed as catwoman for some reason.

"Dammit bastard! Come back here!" the vice chief demanded.

"It's not ba-AAAAAAAH!" The joui wished that he hadn't made that turn because while Shinpachi passed him, a herd of bulls trampled him.

"STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" Hijikata ordered Okita, but the car swerved. They tried to escape but the car hit the bulls, and they were flung through the air.

Sougo landed on Sadaharu behind Kagura, and Hijikata landed in front of Gintoki's scooter.

"You bastard! Get off!" Kagura tried to get the sadist off, but Sougo held onto her midsection while taking the abuse.

"Eh? There seems to be a bird poop on my windshield." Gintoki commented and spit at Hijikata's face.

"OI! Who're you calling a bird poop, you bastard! Are you responsible for this?!"

"GET OUT OF THE WAY!" Otae punched his face. "We don't have time for your stupid bickering! Shinpachi is being chased by this stampede!"

"Shinpachi?!" Hijikata felt concern wash over him. This was a huge freakin' stampede! He bet that Katsura guy got killed by the impact!

"Gin-chan!" Kagura called out to him, "Sadaharu and I will go on ahead and try to find Shinpachi!"

"Okay!"

Sadaharu went into an alleyway and bounced off the walls to get onto the roofs.

Hijikata found the opportunity to ask, "What the hell is going on?! Shinpachi is supposed to be with Yamazaki!"

"Shut up!" Gintoki shouted. "As if we'll ever hand over our megane to your tennis-playing addict!"

"What are you talking about?! Didn't that guy tell you that they were going on a mission together?!"

"Mission?"

._._._.

Shinpachi was running for his life while tears and some snot poured from his eyes and nose. Even while his life was in peril, he tried to get to Kyuubei's house, but then he found himself lost since some of his usual routes were closed off.

He saw his life flash before his eyes when he tripped on his kimono and fell to the ground.

 _Dear Diary #103_

 _I have imagined myself going down in so many ways before I can reach old age. I imagined dying a bold, glorious death as a samurai, dying a pitiful death by the hands of my sister or her cooking, or an expected death by the irresponsible hands of Kagura and Gintoki, and even a shameful death like being killed at the toilet because I was taking a crap and Gin-san forgot to warn me that he poured gasoline in there for some reason!_

 _Never in my life had I thought that I would die from being trampled by a bull stampede! In my final moments, I apologized to everyone I loved in the living, and prepared myself to say hello to mother and father in the afterlife._

 _However, I was saved._

"RAHHH!" One of the bulls was flipped over and thrown back. The other bulls got the memo, and changed directions.

Shinpachi looked over his shoulder to take a look at his savior. "Sai-Saigou-sama!"

"Eh? Pachi?"

The megane immediately got on his knees and bowed lowly. "THANK YOU SAIGOU-SAMA! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!"

"You're welcome. Is that you guys' doing?" He referred to the yorozuya.

Shinpachi vigorously shook his head. "No! Not at all! I was heading to Kyuubei-san' house to deliver this to her from my sister." He took out the envelope. "And I was supposed to head over to the park to go on my date with Yamazaki. But now it seems that I can't do either." Shinpachi was exhausted from all that running, and his dress was covered in dirt and crap. One of his clipped on braids was missing and his make up was running.

"You do look like a sorry case. That's why I'll help you. You helped me many times before, so don't take this as a favor that you will have to pay back. GIRLS!" He called out to his army of trannies who assembled before him. "One of you send this envelope to the Yagyuu household, and tell them that its from Shimura Tae! The rest of you, we have a makeover to do!"

"Yes ma'am!"

._._._.

Gintoki and the others with him finally reached Kagura who was on her knees crying. They all got off the scooter.

"Gin-chan!" The yato called out to him. "We-We were trying to find Shinpachi, and we did...but..."

They all looked down at Shinpachi who was completely cracked, bented and split in half.

Sougou somberly reported to them, "I was unable to find his human."

Gintoki fell on his hands and knees slightly trembling. Sadaharu howled mournfully to the sky. Otae covered her mouth as tears dripped to the ground. Hijikata tilted his head to cover his eyes in shame.

"AAAAAAAH! Somebody stop this crazy bitch!" the screaming man accidentally stepped on the broken glasses and on Gintoki's head. The silver head man quickly picked his head up which made the man trip and fall down.

Kyuubei leaped to the air to finally make the kill strike, but Hijikata stopped her with his sword. "What do you think you're doing to one of my men!?"

"Oh no, shinsengumi. It looks like we'll have to put our plans on hold, Otae-chan."

"It's okay, Kyuu-chan. We'll try again another time."

"What plan?!" Hijikata cried out. "And why are you trying to kill Shinohara*?!"

Everyone looked at him with a deadpanned expression. "Who?"

"You're trying to kill him, and you don't even know who he is?! And why are you acting clueless Sougo?!"

"Wait." It hit Otae. "If this is not Yamazaki, then where's the real Yamazaki and where's Shin-chan?"

They all raced to the park.

When they got there, they hid behind the bushes. They saw Yamazaki waiting next to the statue without his wig on, so he kind of stood out with the mohawk Gintoki gave him permanently. He was wearing a snazzy button up white dress shirt that was tucked into a pair of black slacks tightened by a belt.

"Yamazaki!" Everyone looked toward the voice.

Shinpachi ran up to him, and then stood straight. His hair was fashioned in a wavy bob haircut, and accessorized with a yellow camellia hairpiece. He wore a stunning white and light blue, traditional, floral kimono dress with a yellow sash, knee-high white socks, and geta. His makeup consisted of pastel orange lips, eyelids with the classic winged liner, and cheeks blushed by a pale pink.

 _ **"CU-CUUUUTE!"**_

Shinpachi apologized, "I'm sorry for being late. A lot of crazy things had been happening today."

"Are you okay?" The shinsengumi officer asked worriedly. "Were you caught in that crazy bull stampede earlier? They were all over the news!"

The megane nodded, "Yeah, but I was saved by Saigou-san and her girls, and they helped me dress up for our date. The dress you got me got ruined. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Would you like to rest. We don't have to arrive until half an hour? You must be famished."

"I am. Oh! I forgot my wallet!"

"That's alright. Consider this as interest for your pay for all the trouble."

"Thank you, Yamazaki-san." The two headed toward the closest mall to eat at a restaurant.

Otae, Kagura, Kyuubei, Gintoki, Hijikata and Sougo followed them. Sadaharu had to go home since he was too big to sneak with them.

At the restaurant, the couple took their seats and made their order. The group was sitting a few seats away from them with sunglasses and costumes on as they tried to listen into their conversation.

"Wait, why are we here?!" Hijikata hissed in a whisper.

"I was just following you, vice chief." Sougo said.

"I just got swept up with the atmosphere! and when do you ever follow me?!"

"SHHH!" Kagura hushed them. "They're talking!"

Yamazaki started, "Before we begin talking about the details of our mission, I want to know if boss (Gintoki) and the others were okay with this. You told them that this would be a date?"

"I didn't know what else to call this. Calling it a mission might draw the wrong attention if someone was listening in on us. I also explained to them that it was a mission, so they won't interfere, I promise."

Gintoki, Kagura and Otae felt shame dragging them to the depths of their soul. Hijikata was glaring hard at them while Sougo was enjoying an ice cream sunday.

"That's good to hear. If you don't mind me saying," Yamazaki looked down feeling quite embarrassed. "You look really wonderful today, Pachi. It's also kind of weird because I know you're actually a man under that. Those trannies really knew what they were doing."

Shinpachi happily said, "Thank you. I was also surprised. I honestly don't look like my usual self at all. I don't know whether I would date myself, but would you Yamazaki if I was actually a girl?" He gave a cute wink.

The spy lightly laughed. "What are you saying, Pachi? It would be weird to date friends for other situations than this."

"Don't be shy, Yama-chan. If I was a girl, I wouldn't mind going on a date with a handsome fella like you."

"Yo-you wo...wait a minute. Are you acting like a hostess?"

"Was I that obvious?" Shinpachi tried not to giggle behind his smile.

"Mah, Pachi that's mean! Even though we're supposed to pretend to act like a couple, you shouldn't sweet talk me. I'm going to go broke if you do that since I can't deny."

Shinpachi giggled on cue, and said sweetly, "I'm sorry, Yamazaki-san. My job as a host at Yoshiwara and a hostess at Saigou-san's club house has made me used to flirty this way. Can you forgive me?" He batted his eyelashes.

Yamazaki felt compelled to say, "It's alright. Let's also order ice cream to make up."

"You're so generous Yama-chan!"

"Yeah! I a-Wait! You're doing it again!"

Shinpachi snorted and then burst out laughing. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'll stop! I give my word as a samurai that I will stop. So what did you think of my skills? I think Anue-e would be so proud of me. I don't like manipulating people for my own benefit unless they're aware of it. I was just pulling your leg, Yamazaki-san." The teen gave him an honest smile this time.

"You-You're really good. You even got me twice! Do you use it on Boss to get him to pay the rent or something?"

Gintoki's ear grew twice its size.

"Doing something like this on Gin-san would be weird. He's like a brother to me. He's a pain in the ass to take care of like usual, but...So how are you?"

 _Gintoki: "You aren't gonna finish that sentence?!"_

"Ah me...Well, work has been keeping me busy like always, but it has its benefit and it's for a great cause. Vice chief has been making sure that I do my work. He's a pain in the ass to work with too, but...How's Kagura-chan doing?"

 _Hijikata: "You're not gonna finish your sentence either?!"_

"She's doing great. She's grown into such a lady that frankly I'm scared of the men who will try to hit on her. Not of them, but what will happen to them when they get her upset."

Kagura did a hair flip and gave a sparkle to her eye.

"Do you think Okita-san and her will finally get together?" Yamazaki asked.

Kagura and Sougo got up simultaneously with their shining aura of death. Otae smacked them both down.

"Eh? Okita-san and Kagura-chan? There's no way that could happen! I think Hijikata-san and Gin-san ending up together has more of a chance."

Both men got up, but were smacked down, too. The couple's food arrived, and they continued.

"That's mean, Pachi. But if vice chief were to settle down with someone, it might get him off the shinsengumi's back for a bit. We also want him to be happy. We never see him with a woman or show any interest at all."

"That's true. A man like that deserves happiness. I don't know about Gin-san. He's just not the marrying-type unless he accidentally got someone pregnant. I wouldn't mind if he did. It would give Yorozuya another addition to the family, and Gin-san can be a great father. Though I hope his bad habits don't influence the baby, so cross my fingers for a girl since sons take after their father's worse habits."

"If Gin-san were to impregnate someone, who would it be?"

"Definitely not anue-e, and I don't know about Sacchan-san. Either way, I just hope that the woman isn't horrible. I bet Kagura-chan would be happy with the new addition. She loves kids since she's a kid herself. She would also make a great mother if she were to have kids herself. But I can't see that happening any time soon. She's still so young."

"Women these days are having kids later than before. Does your sister plan on marrying anyone soon?"

"If that anyone that your implying is Kondou-san then no. Plus, she's still in her twenties, and that is a time when a person should indulge themselves. But for you Yamazaki-san, you're 34, and you're still unmarried. Much less have a girlfriend." Shinpachi's eyeglasses shone mercilessly.

"Are you angry about my question?!" Yamazaki felt really attacked right now!

The rest of their lunch went relatively well between them. When it was six, the two of them left to go on their mission.

The others exited a minute after them. Hijikata had to pay for the meals which left him in a pissed off mood.

They looked at each other, and then separated to their place without another word.

"Gin-chan." Kagura said.

"Hm?"

"When will we have another addition to our family?"

"What?! What makes you think that I will have to do it! You're the woman! Go find yourself a boyfriend, and in another ten or twenty years, make babies!"

"Okay!" The girl skipped away happily.

The silver haired samurai lost balance by her response, and tried to stop her. "Hey! Oi! I was just kidding! Don't get a boyfriend, you brat! You're a thousand years too early to think about doing something like that!"

Hijikata and Sougo called for a taxi since their car was destroyed during the bull stampede. That reminded the sadist, "Do you think Katsura survived that stampede?"

Hijikata inwardly sighed as he closed his eyes to feel on his next works. "That stampede would've killed any ordinary man, but we both know that Katsura guy isn't an ordinary guy. It would take more than a stampede of a hundred raging bulls to take him out."

"Aaah, you may be right. And the only place he could've gone to heal should be the hospital. So I leave it to you, vice chief." He got in the taxi they called for. "I hope that the joui cuts you down before you get there!" He said as he departed with the taxi.

"Wait, you bastard! At least drop me there! Sougo! Oi, Sougo! Tch, that asshole!" Hijikata sighed, and then noticed that his wallet wasn't with him anymore, so he couldn't call for a taxi. He also didn't have his phone, so he couldn't call for one of his other men to pick him up. "I swear that I'm gonna kill him when I get back to the station!"

After the long walk to the hospital to finally get to a phone, have Katsura under hospital arrest, and then make his way back to the station, he felt his anger against Sougo slide, and wanted to go to bed. His legs cried for it.

On his way, he encountered Yamazaki who looked like he just got back from the mission.

"Yamazaki. How was the mission?"

"Ah, Vice chief. The mission went well. I will have the report by tomorrow."

"Alright. Were there any missiles at the auction area?"

"None, sir. There were no missiles in the vicinity, but I may have a clue of where they could be. It will all be in the report tomorrow."

"Good job. How is Shinpachi?"

"He's fine, vice chief. He was really great company, and covered for me while I was gone. I got him home safely."

"Good...See you tomorrow then. I expect that report after our morning meeting."

"I'll get on it, vice chief."

The two parted ways.

Hijikata felt a lingering thought in his mind. He saw how happy those two were together at that restaurant. He may be looking into things too deeply, but maybe Shinpachi's type was the regular type. The young samurai was surrounded by very colorful people that maybe a taste of a little blandness by his side was the type of person he would like by his side.

Somehow that disappointed the cop.

._._._.

At the street lied a cracked sunglasses that was being swept off by Tama-chan. And Kondou was still locked in the closet.

._._._.

A/N:

That was a lot of fun to write!

*At episode 43, Otae admits to having dressed Shinpachi in girl clothes, so I'm not exaggerating

*One of the spies in shinsengumi


	4. Fudanshis

A/N:

Warning: There will be an OC because I can't imagine any actual Gintama characters who could help me move the plot towards the direction I want it to go. But he's not a main character.

._._._.

 _Dear Diary #104_

 _At first I thought that I could possibly be bisexual. But I may have been wrong. I...I...I might actually be a FUDANSHI?!_

Chapter 3: Straight men can love Gay love. It's a fact.

"Haaaah, Gin-chan. This is the life." Kagura said while she was currently sitting in a hot tub in a bikini with a butler at her side with a plate of champagne. She's sixteen so she can drink now.

Gintoki was nearby and was having a Thai massage with a super hot masseuse. "Yeeeeeees. Oh yes! Right there! Right there!"

The masseuse sweetly told him, "Sir if you don't stop the sexual harassment, I will be forced to use Muay Thai on you instead."

"Oh, is that another form of massage. If its below the belt, or even unde-" Dislocate shoulder. "AUGH!" Relocate shoulder.

"OOOI!" Shinpachi cried out from the double doors. "We're supposed to be protecting Otsu! Not reaping the benefits of a star!"

The yorozuya was currently hired to protect Otsuu-chan due to another stalker trying to hurt her. Though this time, her mother actually called the police this time to find the stalker. It was fine to let this sort of information leak since it defined how Otsuu is still popular and beloved by fans to a crazy degree. Though she could've hired real security guards, she felt that she could rely on the Yorozuya better due to their colorful history.

So the three of them had to follow the star everywhere until the stalker was apprehended. It should take only about a week, so they shouldn't get too comfortable, but nothing was obviously stopping the terrible two.

It was nighttime, so they were currently at Otsuu's mansion that was designed in a modern western fashion.

"Shut up light weight!" Kagura cursed. "Otsu-chan said she would join us while you were at the can doing dirty stuff so you wouldn't get your d*** up when you see her in a bikini! Virgin!"

Shinpachi went bright red and yelled, "A lady like you shouldn't be saying that! And I just went to the can to do the usual business!"

"Hmph. Usual business." Kagura gave him the stink eye.

"I meant defecating! Defecating!"

Unknown to him, Otsu was right behind him. "Oh my Shinji-kun! You shouldn't say that in front of a lady-Your mom had a threesome!"

"AAH! O-OTSU-CHAN!" Shinpachi turned around and took a step back out of shock, and then saw the star wearing a green and yellow stripped bikini that hugged her well-developed body. He felt his whole body warm up, and he began wishing he did take care of business at the toilet. He bowed lowly. "SO-SORRY! I won't say it again!"

"If that's so, then everything is good. -Die a thousands death!" Otsuu joined Kagura in the hot tub while Gintoki was currently getting the crap beat out of him by the masseuse. He was crying for help, but no one bothered paying attention to him.

Shinpachi considered joining them, but he knew that he would be judged harshly by Kagura, and won't hear the end of it for weeks. So instead, he decided to walk around the mansion's vicinity to make sure everything is okay, and that the security hadn't been messed with.

Though he acted composed, he was really really excited on the inside! He was in Otsuu's home! In the past before, they were always at the studio or somewhere else other than her home! But now here he was without being called a stalker or weirdo!

 _Dear Diary #104_

 _It's best to explain how I came to this conclusion. *Inserts what's already been written* After I was done checking around the house and rechecking the security, I knew that I could accomplish my objective. As Otsuu-chan's number one fan, I knew that she liked to remain in a hot bath for almost and hour, but she wouldn't mind staying in longer if she was accompanied by friends! With Kagura-chan keeping her company, it gave me ample time to make my way to the holy shrine that no fan of Otsuu-chan's had ever been in before.  
_

 _ **Her Bedroom.**_

 _It's the one place where you can absolutely get to know your idol in a completely new depth that every fan could ever wish to experience! I had to take the opportunity before it slipped through my fingers, so I raced over there. When I reached there, I made sure no one was around to see me enter her room. I also sneak under the rotating surveillance camera so there was no proof that I was there.  
_

 _I felt my whole body shivering in anticipation as I held the knob with a napkin since my palms were sweaty. I held my breath when I heard the knob tweak while I turned it, and then when I saw the darkness embracing the room, I quickly slipped inside, and then closed the door before the surveillance camera caught me. I had seen pictures of Otsuu-chan's bedroom, so with my skilled memory, I easily flicked it on as if I had been in the room hundred of times before.  
_

 _The moment the light shone on me, I thought I heard the cries of congratulations from my fellow imperial club members because I had just entered heaven! It looked just like it did in the magazine!_

 _*Insert several paragraphs of elaborate detail on the very structure and appearance of Otsuu's room with amazing eloquent writing that could've won him a Pulitzer*_

 _However, my examination came to a stop when I finally saw something sticking outside of Otsuu-chan's bed. I knew better than to touch ANYTHING in her room, but my curiosity got the best of me, so I grabbed it._

 _My eyes became wider than my glasses when I saw that it was clearly a BL BOOK?! I probably should explain. BL means Boy's love and as an Otaku, I was very well aware of other different types of otakus. Just like how Tosshi (Hijikata's other personality) was an otaku for anime. Most notably Tomoe 5000._

 _If I was right, then Otsuu-chan...Otsuu-chan...OTSUU-CHAN IS A FUJOSHI?!_

 _A fujoshi is a female who likes romantic relationships between men, and Fudanshi are their male counterpart._

 _I didn't know what to make of my discovery! My image of Otsuu-chan didn't shatter, but it did grow into a whole new level because Otsuu-chan is an otaku!_

 _And I was allowed to join her world because like the fool I was, I read the BL book because I wanted to test myself. If I liked it, then I may be bisexual after all, but if I didn't then I wasn't._

 _However one book couldn't declare my choice since I had to consider both the appearance of the males, the dynamics of their relationship, and the plot of the story._

(Or you could just skip to the parts where they're naked and having sex. LOL. You try too hard, Shinpachi.)

 _Though a lot of the romances seem to take a soap opera appeal, I do feel pleasantly happy for the couple when they do end up together. Some seem to take it too fast while others take it at the right amount of time, and others seem to take forever despite being only five chapters due to the lack of interaction and drama._

 _I will admit that I was embarrassed to see the sex scenes, but it makes me feel happy and relieved when the couple could finally engage themselves in that sort of love.  
_

 _In short, Otsuu-chan found me in her room. I tried to find an excuse, but..._

"YOU'RE A FUDANSHI?!" Otsuu cried out in delighted glee.

"What?!" Shinpachi was more stunned by the fact that Otsuu didn't follow that with one of her suffixes!

"You don't have to be shy Shinpachi-kun!"

 _"You remember my name now?!"_ Shinpachi thought angrily, but he forgot his emotions when Otsuu grabbed his hands with a passionately, sparkly expression on her face.

"Shin-chan,"

 _"Shin-chan?!"_

"Let's be the best of friends from now on! It's so rare to meet a fudanshi that I can't wait to make you meet my otaku fanclub! We always meet at my house in secret since as an idol, I can't show such a side of me that's looked down in society.-Cut out your balls and strewn them to the ocean for good luck!"

 _"Are you saying that I am a disgrace in society even though we're the reason you're still on top?!"_

 _The next thing I knew, I had traded phone numbers with Otsuu-chan, she lended me a lot of her BL books, and she told me when to meet her again, so I could meet her personal otaku club. I was frozen in shock because I HAVE HER NUMBER! AND WE'LL SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN TODAY! The stalker was apprehended, so I'll be the only one to go to the mansion in secret.  
_

 _Well, here I go!_

Shinpachi closed his diary, and put it in his secret hiding place and took out the sealed paper bag that held all the BL books. His sister was out, so he hurriedly left the house without a word. He then strode through the street with sweaty palms and a racing heart. He was holding gay romance mangas afterall! And he was a guy!

It would kill him if anyone figured out!

And then on cue his shoulders were bumped by two strong individuals that the bag dropped to the ground and the mangas poured out. He hoped that it was a stranger who bumped into him, but instead it was Gintoki and Kagura.

The three of them stared at the mangas and then the two vulgar people politely cleared their throat and advised, "Pastuan...Make sure you wash your hands when you get home."*

"WAIT! IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!"

Shinpachi bought them to a restaurant where he explained the whole situation, except the part where he could possibly be bisexual. He didn't think his bi-curiosity needed to come to light.

"Otaku club? Fudanshi? Fujoshi?" Gintoki was having a hard time catching up with all these categories for a group of people with no lives. "Why don't you guys just called yourself the perverts and call it a day."

"It's not perverted!" Shinpachi cried out passionately. "Not everyone of these mangas are filled with perverted stuff! Some are even light hearted and a good read! The only difference between this and the usual romance is that they're both guys and there's a lot of romeo and juliet similarities due to it being looked down by society!" The otaku calmed down to explain further, "You have to admit that even though Edo had opened its gate to new life, its ideals are still close minded that a lot of homosexual stars barely come out due to fear of being stigmatized by their fans and society."

"It's true Gin-chan!" Kagura said while reading one of the mangas vigorously. She's never looked so focused before as she read each individual line.

"Oi, what do you think you're reading. It'll rot your brain."

"It won't rot her brain. Though the romance is very idealistic, it's rude to call it that!" the otaku corrected him.

Gintoki blinked at him and then asked, "So are you-what did you call it. Fun-shi (Mr. Fun)?"

"It's fudanshi! And I...am." He blushed bright red. "Now if you could not tell my sister or anyone else about this," he got up to leave. "I need to get to a meeting to see Ots-" He stopped himself when he realized that he let a vital information slip out. He didn't need to look over his shoulder to see the sadistic grins on the two monsters.

._._._.

"Shin-chan! You're here! - Go kill an elephant with a toothpick!" Otsu said happily, and then noticed the other yorozuya members. She gasped, "You two are otakus, too!"

"You bet, Otsu-chan!" Kagura replied ecstatically! "I am a Pussy-shi (Ms. Pussy)!"

"It's fujoshi!" Shinpachi corrected her.

Otsuu ignored that part, "Really Kagura-chan?! I'm so happy - Kill the orphan on black street!" She pulled Kagura's wrist to make her come into her meeting room in her mansion to meet the others. There were several people; some famous and others friends of those famous people.

Not every otaku club was similar, so this particular one work as a team, but were split into several groups, so they only needed to know the three leaders and Otsu.

Only two of them were present at the moment, but they're not important to the plot, so one girl is going to be #1 and the other will be #2.

#1 gasped, "OWOOOOH! You weren't kidding Otsu-chan!" She gawked at Gintoki and Shinpachi. "They look just like Shiro and Yonekuni from Sex Pistols!*"

#2 squealed in uncontrollable delight that freaked out the males. "Are they here to cosplay them?! Oh please tell me they are!"

Gintoki had to speak before he was thrown into anything stupid. "Uhm, excuse me. What exactly are sex pistols?"

#1 mindlessly exclaimed, "He even sounds like him!*"

Otsu happily explained, "It's a yaoi manga where instead of everyone having evolved from monkeys, some people were evolved from other animals like some were evolved by lions, reptiles, or even fish! Shiro and Yonekuni are one of the many couples from sex pistols! - Assassinate the President!"

#1 asked, "How can you have not read it?! Are you really fudanshis?"

Shinpachi quickly replied, "I read it! Gintoki is still pretty new to this stuff! The separate ideals of love and breeding for the sake of race, and the hardships of unrequited love were a heartbreaking read, so seeing these couples overcome them and learn from them was a great relief and gave me kind of hope that I didn't realize I didn't have." The teen had read each and every one of the mangas that Otsuu had given him with great diligence that they were practically etched into his memory. He decided to add cutely with a palm to his chest, "I understand Shiro's feelings of unrequited love, however I chose to acknowledge my love as something else in order to console my superficial pain and refuse the real pain deep beneath from surfacing. Now that I read Sex Pistols, I learned to accept my true feelings with my hope, no matter how painful."

Otsu and the other two girls stared at him, and then one of them declared, "He's almost like Shiro-kun! Costume! Wigs!"

Gintoki and Shinpachi were roughly grabbed by the girls' groups, bought to a dressing room, stripped down, dressed, and then pushed to a room that appeared to be a photo studio.

Both Gintoki and Shinpachi were dressed in a white dressed shirt, black slacks and shoes. Gintoki had to have makeup on so he could young enough to look like a teenager. The both of them wore grey contact lenses. Shinpachi's eyeglasses had to change to one with a low bridge, but his hair was already perfect for the shoot, but Gintoki's hair had to be trimmed and dyed blond.

"OI! Don't go doing that to people out of the blue! I could have you arrested for sexual harrassment!" The now wavy blond samurai yelled at them, but he quickly sized himself up in front of the mirror. "Wait, this is actually pretty good. My hair is still wavy, but it's not a golden blond like that cyborg bastard (Kintoki). Yes. Yes. Good job." He gave the crew a thumbs up. They gave him a thumbs up back.

Shinpachi was about to yell at him, but then the two of them were shoved to the white background. "Wait! We didn't agree to do this!" He reminded them.

"Don't mind them, Shinpachi." Gintoki told him.

"Gin-san?" The teen was surprised by that reaction.

The man continued, "It's just like you said. These characters had given you hope that your unrequited love could be requited someday. Then how about we requite the love of these Fudickies-"

"Fudanshis."

"And Pussishis-"

"Fujoshis!"

"by making their dreams of seeing their favorite characters in real life come true. It's no different from seeing those men you met as a host. They know that it is fake, but for a single moment, they were given hope that they weren't completely incapable of finding love in this cruel 3d world. So Shinpachi!" He sat down on the floor and pulled Shinpachi onto his lap. He asked the crew, "How much will we be paid if we pose for your silly perversions?! Each one of you have to pay for each photo!"

"AAAAHHHH! TAKE OUR MONEY!"

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Shinpachi shouted! "I didn't come here to extort money out of them!"

"Shut up, Patsuan!" Kagura yelled at him while she and the other two girls were taking pictures, and having Otsuu prepare an auction.

The idol sweetly told him, "Thank you for doing this, Shin-chan. My favorite couple is Shiro and Yonekuni, and seeing you two together like this makes my heart beat faster. It's like a dream." She bashfully blushed.

Shinpachi blushed, too, and felt his self-respect diminish in favor for her happiness. He pathetically agreed to do it after all.

The megane felt really uncomfortable with posing with the guy he saw like a brother. Their poses were very intimate since they were cosplaying lovers. Their bodies had to be pressed together, their lips barely touching as they stared into each others eyes, and hands groping intimate places. Shinpachi couldn't understand how Gintoki could be so nonchalant with the poses they were doing.

Especially when a bed was bought in, and the team had them strip down to nude underwear! But Shinpachi also had to wear a belt with a white tail and a pair of dog eyes since he was a white wolf.

IT WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE!

"HOW CAN YOU BE SO RELAXED WHEN WE HAD TO GO THROUGH THAT?!" Shinpachi was finally able to confront him when they were finally allowed to dress back into their normal clothes in peace.

"Eh?" Gintoki was puzzled.

"WEREN'T YOU UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ALL THOSE POSES! THEY WERE CROSSING BOUNDARIES THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE!"

"What are you getting so worked up about, Shinpachi. It's not like we were actually made to kiss like we were in a porno where I had to get the lotion and condom to prepare you." Shinpachi went bright red by that description! He was about to retort, but Gintoki also added, "Plus, we're used to seeing each other naked, and you know that I'm not gay. So there's nothing wrong since I obviously won't do anything I'm not comfortable with."

"Tru-True. I guess I was overreacting. I'm sorry."

Gintoki stared at Shinpachi's defeated and guilty expression. He inwardly sighed and ruffled his hair with calming words, "How long has it been since we've been together, Shinpachi? Do you really think that after all that time, I wouldn't notice that you've been feeling troubled recently during the time that we had to be hosts in Yoshiwara." The teen was surprised that Gintoki did notice after all. The man continued, "A man can learn new things about himself that he thinks that he should've known about himself in the first place, but life's too short and a lot of things happen that will distract that man from realizing those things in the first place, so there's nothing to feel ashamed about. If it's a part of your character, then its our job to adapt to it. Not the other way around."

"Gin-san..." Shinpachi felt stupid for not trusting the older samurai with his conflicts. Though he didn't think he was obvious enough to notice. "I'm sorry."

"Haaah. There's nothing to apologize about. Just that if you do figure that part of yourself out, and decide to get a boyfriend after all," He drew his sword with a demonic expression on his face, _**"Make sure to introduce him to me and Kagura."**_

"HOW CAN I WHEN YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WANT TO MURDER HIM INSTEAD OF GETTING TO KNOW HIM?!" Shinpachi calmed himself down. He knew that Gin-san was always overprotective over Kagura when it came to boys. It should be no surprise if he was given the same treatment since Gintoki knew the heinous side of men. "A-anyway, I haven't told anue-e either. The only ones who know are Saigou-san, her hostesses, and Hijikata-san."

Gintoki was dumbstruck! "Hijikata?! Why did you tell him?! Are you thinking of dating him?! NO! I WILL NOT ALLOW IT!"

"ME TOO, ARU!" Kagura busted through the doors, obviously eavesdropping on them. "WE WON'T HAND YOU OVER TO THE SHINSENGUMI! NEVER! I WILL KILL THEM ALL BEFORE THEY CAN!"

Both her and Gintoki put on aviator sunglasses, and got their sniper rifles ready. "Ready Hitman Gintoki 13?"

"Ready Hitman Kagura 13!"

"Hoh!" They ran for the door, but they were kicked down by Shinpachi.

"WAIT A MINUTE! YOU CAN'T GO ASSASSINATING SHINSENGUMI OFFICER OVER THAT! THE SHOGUN WILL HAVE OUR HEADS IF YOU DO THAT!"

"He's right Hitman Kagura 13." The perverted samurai agreed.

"Then what do we do Hitman Gintoki 13?" The tomboyish china girl inquired with a tough voice.

"We can't murder them all. Some may be resistant against Shinpachi's charms. So what we have to do is have pictures of Shinpachi in sexy poses put up all over the Shinsengumi headquarters and if any of them get hard, we kill them." It was a full proof plan.

But Shinpachi would have none of that. "THAT'LL ONLY GET ME ARRESTED ALONG WITH YOU GUYS FOR BEING A PERVERT AND FORCED TO COMMIT SEPPUKU!"

"Then only in the bathroom stalls."

"WHAT IS **WRONG** WITH YOU?!" Shinpachi had asked himself that question many times, and there were too many answers to that! "WE'LL STILL GET ARRESTED!"

"Then we'll cover your face. Your butt is all we need."

"THAT ISN'T THE BOTTOM! I MEAN PROBLEM!"

"Did someone say bottom?" A male voice cut through the conversation. The three of them looked to the male to see a tall, lean, Asian male with red dyed, assymetrical, curly hair, punk fashion style, and a face of a model.

Kagura and Gintoki were clueless of who this guy was, but Shinpachi seemed to recognize him, "Minoru-san?"

"Yes." The two made eye contact. "Wait? Is that you Shin-chan? Oh gawd, it is!" The man hugged him tightly.

"Oof! I-It's nice to see you, too. Are you here for Otsuu-chan's club?"

"Of course! I'm one the one who leads the group that's interested in creating the skits for cons and other events. It's so great to see you again, Shin-chan! I've seen you on TV, and you were really cool when you boxed with that super hot guy with the red bandana on*!"

"Uhm, excuse me." Gintoki was all for happy reunions, but he and Kagura didn't like being left in the dark for too long. "Who are you?"

There was much to explain, and it was best done with photos, so they relocated at Shinpachi's house where even Otae-chan didn't know him, so she joined in.

The five of them went to the living room where Shinpachi laid out his school year book. He showed them a picture of Minoru-san who was a kid with a brown afro, a pug nose, buck teeth, and blemishes.

"Eeeeh?! How in the world could you recognize him?!" Gintoki inquired.

"It's impossible! Impossible!" Kagura kept looking back and forth at the picture and the man again and again that her head was bound pop out.

Shinpachi replied, "I remembered by the birthmark on his neck. It was the first thing my eyes laid on before I looked at the rest of his face. I highly doubt anyone else would have a birthmark shaped like a butterfly on their neck, am I right, Minoru-san."

"Definitely." he gave a wink to Shinpachi which made the others suspicious of him. "Shin-chan and I knew each other back then at our temple school, but I had to move out of Edo after graduating. But now I'm back, and I'm one of Otsuu-chan's choreographers."

"So cool!" Shinpachi cried out. "I have a whole new admiration for you Minoru-san!"

The teen was happy, but the other three in the room were not. There was a look in the other teen's eye that didn't settle well with them.

"Well, this was a fun visit!" Otae-chan announced!

"Yeah, it was great to see you Moru-san, but it's getting late!"

"Get out off here!" Kagura went straight to the point and literally kicked him out.

"MINORU-SAN!" Shinpachi cried out.

"I'm okay!" His childhood friend cried back chirpily.

That relieved the teen, but he was furious at the others! But Gintoki and Kagura were already out the door. They trusted Otae-chan to justify their actions.

"WAIT YOU TWO!"

"Shin-chan." His older sister called out to him calmly. "It's nice to meet a childhood friend, but you shouldn't be so friendly to them after so long. People change over time, and it's not necessarily always for the better."

"But Minoru-san hadn't done anything wrong! Weren't you the one who said that we have to give our friends the benefit of the doubt!"

"Not when they obviously want something from you."

"What could Minoru-san possibly want from me?!"

"I think the better question is what have you been keeping from me Shin-chan." Otae-chan smiled craftily.

Shinpachi wasn't surprised that his sister knew that it was the best time for a confession from her little brother. She was intuitive like that. So he confessed about his bi-curiosity and the possibility that he might only be a fudanshi. He didn't know how to find the answer, and Otae-chan seemed to also be at a lost of what to do, but she wasn't one to be without a suggestion.

"To discover of whether your love for a man is deeper than a samurai's bond is quite a scary and unknown road, but as long as you do not get swept away by too many answers, and keep your eyes locked on your path, then I'm sure that you will find your answer. I need you to promise me Shin-chan that you will not be led astray from your bushido to find your answer."

Translation: Don't sleep with someone randomly to check if you're gay.

The teen quickly promised, "You don't have to worry, anue-e. I won't be led astray."

With that settled, the older sibling also suggested, "Now how about we have eggs for dinner."

Shinpachi felt his stomach drop and his pessimistic mind thinking that he won't ever discover the answer before tomorrow.

._._._.

The shinsengumi surrounded an abandoned building that Yamazaki had reported was where a stack of the missiles could possibly located. When a signal was given, they barged right in to apprehend the missiles, but the building was empty of anything except for a piece of metal on the floor.

Hijikata approached it in a relaxed yet cautious manner. When he got closer, he arched an eyebrow and picked it up.

Kondo and Sougo were right behind him. "What did you find, Toshi?"

"It looks like its a flash drive. We should bring it to headquarters to have it examined first for any viruses before checking what's on it."

"Agreed. But if that was left behind by the missiles cult, then how could they have known that we would come here?"

Sougo suggested, "Maybe it was because of Hijikata's mayonnaise stench. He's consumed so much that his sweat is made of mayonnaise."

"That could be it. You have been consuming twice the amount lately. Have you gone to see a doctor about this?" Kondo asked worriedly.

"NO IT'S NOT! My love for mayonnaise has nothing to do with this. Yamazaki!" He yelled out to his spy, and chased after him with a murderous expression. The older officer ran for his life, but was caught and used as a punching bag.

After that was over, Yamazaki was treated for his wounds while the rest of the shinsengumi worked on the flash drive. They made sure that it had no viruses before finding what was on it.

There was only a single video that showed a mask with a collage of pictures that created a strange human-like face. The face shifted into a message from the cult.

"We knew that the shinsengumi would be coming for us, so we placed false leads for you for fun! LOL. But some may not be so false, but your eyes could be blinded by your lack of imagination or perception. LOL. Our religion supports games. LOL. So please do your best and have fun! LOL. It may be challenging for you humans, so we decided to give you a month or two in advance! LOL. Don't give up! ROFL! Love the Missile Revolution Organization!"

SMASH!

Hijikata kicked the computer screen when it began playing the nyan cat video!

"What the hell do they take the shinsengumi for?!" he wanted to smash the screen again, but his men held him back. "Saying LOL at the end of your sentences just pisses everyone off! And what revolution are you making! You're just pissing more people off with your nonsense!"

"Calm down Toshi." Kondo ordered. "If we can trust what this message said, then we have more than enough time to solve this case. The lead they left for Yamazaki was one of their many false leads. We can't tell from truth or lie, so we have to take our chances with every lead we have until we can make up a better plan."

"I honestly don't see how they're that big of a threat. They're just like the genderswap cult back then." Sougo pointed out. "It was annoying having to be a girl for awhile, but it's not like I was going to die. Getting my period was a big shock though. Well then, if no one is going to die, then I'll see myself out." The sadist walked out of the room to get some sleep.

Hijikata called out to him, "Wait! Sougo! Dammit! Let go!"

Kondo said, "Sougo is not wrong. I supposed preventing them would be impossible, but we should extract a vaccine if they have any."

The vice chief was finally freed from his men now that he relaxed. "Tch. Then we'll search each and every corner of this city if we have to. Someone from this dumbass cult is bound to slip."

._._._.

Shinpachi was sitting on a bench while eating odango and drinking tea. He had just finished his host work last night, and felt like treating himself. He felt relieved that it was over, but he did feel a little wistful for the free drinks, the money, and the rare, nice company. But he rather work for Odd jobs than to be a host.

He looked up at the sky with a lost expression. He felt good for finally telling Gintoki, Kagura and his sister about his confusing problem. Their advice and consoling words helped him feel less weird about his curiosity. Though he wished they could give him his answer, so he didn't feel this empty feeling that he also felt was unnecessary. He didn't have any guys or girls who he wanted or could date, so he could ignore his curiosity.

"Shin-chan!" A male voice rang through his thoughts.

He looked to the dirt road to see Minoru approaching him. "Minoru-san? What are you doing here?" He asked, standing up. He hadn't seen the man since the otaku meeting, and the next meeting wasn't until tomorrow.

"Is it weird for childhood friends to see each other?" The red head seemed a little hurt by his words.

"Ah, no. Sorry. It's just that you told me that you were a choreographer. I thought you'd be busy."

"Otsu is doing recording today, so I'm free. Do you have any plans?"

"No. I'm off today, too. Would you like some odango?"

"I already had lunch, but there's this movie I wanted to see. Wanna be my date?"

Shinpachi lightly laughed, "Date? You're as bold as ever Minoru-san." The two began walking to the theater. "It reminds me of the time us and Taka-chin tried to get revenge on those boys who bullied Taka-chin. We put pudding on their seat so they looked like they had an accident. It was funnier because the store that Taka-chin went to was out of chocolate pudding so he had to settle with peanut butter."

"Hahaha! Those were good times. Where is Taka-chin?"

"He went on a vacation with his family out in space." The samurai replied, and the two continued to share memories, and told the other of what happened in their lives. Minoru-san had been everywhere on Earth, and took a few trips out to space for his work.

Shinpachi was awed at his adventures, and loved to hear more, but he noticed that Minoru liked to be touchy. He couldn't tell if that was because he had been influenced by foreigners' habits. The red head's hand could be found around his waist, and he's intently staring at him with this weird look in his eye. It made the megane feel self-conscious that his cheeks were tinted pink.

When he couldn't take it anymore, he said, "U-Uhm, Minoru-san, you're making me feel uncomfortable with your staring."

"Sorry." He said unapologetically. "It's just that you really turned into quite the beauty, Shinpachi."

The samurai's pink cheeks darkened into a red color. "Wha-What?! Should you be saying that to a guy?!" None of his male friends had ever gave him a compliment like that. It's not like they see beyond the glasses most of the time anyway.

"There's nothing wrong in complimenting another guy's beauty! You think I'm snazzy don't ya?!" He stepped back and straightened out his jacket.

"Uh...yes?" Shinpachi said with a shy expression. Minoru was good looking, but to compliment him right now was a bit embarrassing since he didn't want to sound like he had fallen for him.

"Thanks!" The man didn't seem to mind the tone, and wrapped his arm around the megane's waist again.

"Mi-Minoru-san! Is it necessary to hold me so close? Especially in broad daylight."

"Nothing's wrong. Those two are holding hands." He pointed at a gay couple who was walking through the sidewalk while holding hands.

Shinpachi retorted, "They could just be friends."

"Do you really believe that? I mean, they could be, but does it really matter?"

"...No..."

"Then relax! And don't worry, I'm not trying to seduce you or anything. I have a boyfriend!"

That was a slap of knowledge to the head. "Yo-You're gay?!"

"Aren't you?"

"N-No! I mean...I like girls, but recently I've opened a new window of curiosity. I'm not sure if I am also gay or probably a fudanshi." Shinpachi looked down at the ground when he felt those strained, empty feelings again.

"Those two things do get mixed up some of the time. But I think I know how to help! Give me a kiss!" The cute choreographer tapped his lips with the tip of his finger.

"What?! Mi-Minoru-san!" Shinpachi was shocked by the suggestion!

"It's just a kiss n' I'm really good at it! So if ya get hard, then it's proof, right!"

"No! Don't you have a boyfriend!"

"In his custom it's okay to kiss a friend for comfort. But sex is a no-no."

"Se-se..." Shinpachi was still unable to say that three-letter-word without spazzing out like a firecracker! "Please don't say such things in public! It's vulgar!"

"It's not like anyone is listening."

"I'm listening, and I find it vulgar!"

"There's nothing shameful about being a virgin."

"Vir- What does that have to do with any of this! I'm not going to kiss you! I don't even think of you that way! I can't think of you that way!"

"Then," Minoru grabbed hold of Shinpachi's arm and pulled him to a very convenient alleyway. His voice becoming low and husky, "Just close your eyes and pretend I'm someone else. He has to male of course."

"Male...Mmph!" Before he could reject, his lips were touched. This was the second or third time he's ever been kissed (He's only been kissed by a roach. Poor Shinpachi). Due to it being too abrupt, he quickly moved his lips away. "Wa-Wait Minoru-san! Please stop!"

"What's wrong?" The other teen was baffled.

"What's wrong! I may be curious, but I don't want to figure it out this way!"

"I still don't see what's wrong. It's just a kiss between friends. Even teenagers in Edo are doing it."

"I don't care what they do! I'm sorry but I'm not that type of person!"

"But I bet if I was a cute girl, you wouldn't mind."

"I'd definitely mind if she had a boyfriend! I don't care what the customs are, in my custom, I don't go around kissing someone else's beloved even if their lover is fine with it." Shinpachi believed in a pure love, and believed that this sort of act was sacred between two lovers. "I appreciate your help, Minoru-san, but I won't accept a kiss from you. I hope you understand that."

His childhood friend seemed to be dumbstruck, but he relaxed to be somewhat understanding. He scratched his head as he apologized, "Sorry. I forgot how conservative you were, or I thought at least you would learn to loosen up considering the people I saw you with before."

Shinpachi addressed, "I am more open-minded than the kid you knew me before, which is why I am open to discover this other side of me, but it can't be with you."

"I get it. I get it. I guess this side is cute, too. Still wanna see that movie, though."

The samurai nodded with a confirming hum.

 _Dear Diary #104_

 _What happened between me and Minoru-san today was a case of international differences. He hadn't been in Japan for over a decade, so I'm not angry or surprised by what happened... I guess I am a little bit because I still feel the touch of his lips on mine. I wish to forget the kiss because it's troubling my emotions. However abrupt it may have began, and how abrupt it may have ended, there was a single moment I truly regret. I only confess to you that my mind did think of someone else touching my lips instead of Minoru-san._

 _I admitted to you that I may have feelings for a male, and to have used Minoru-san as a substitute for him, no matter how brief it may have been, felt wrong. But my lust still wished to sully the thoughts of my crush._

 _The one who I imagined pecked my lips with his was Hijikata-san._

Shinpachi paused once he finally confessed of who he had a mild crush on. In all honesty, Hijikata was the only bachelor who was eligible for the younger samurai in Shinpachi's opinion. The shinsengumi vice chief was strong, wise, funny, childish, handsome and a whole lot of other compliments that could drown him. But they seemed like superficial reasons for the megane to even consider thinking of the man romantically.

 _To kiss Hijikatasan would be like a fantasy that's unobtainable. I believe I have more of a chance getting a kiss from Otsu-chan than from him since I don't even know if he likes guys. I joke about him and Gin-san ending up together, but I truly don't know what Hijikata-san is interested in a person romantically. There was Kuriko-chan, but he didn't want to date her because he didn't want to be targeted by her father. Also , he doesn't believe in love. That's another reason why I should give up on this hopeless crush on a man who I consider my friend. Not only that, our friends are friends. If I ever do get the chance to be in a romantic affair with him, it may mess up our friendships._

 _It may be an exaggeration on my part, but I don't want anything to change right now. Everything seems so peaceful with everyone. I should date people outside of my current relationships. Maybe Minoru-san may actually know someone who is interested. I will be turning twenty next year, so I should indulge myself with blind dates at least._

 _But should it be with girls or guys? Should I at least go on a blind date with a guy to explore my sexuality, and only go for a kiss._

He remembered what Minoru-san told him after the movie.

"You know Shin-chan, you won't be able to figure out your sexuality by just distantly falling for men. You're just fooling yourself with that romantic nonsense. You know that romance and sex are two completely separate subjects right?"

"I do." Saigou-san taught him that. "And I know I'm fooling myself, but I don't want to explore to deeply into that road. Not that I think it's disgusting, but I like to keep my purity as a man."

"Yeaaah, being a bottom is scary."

Shinpachi felt the wheels in his head stop turning. "Eh?"

His friend looked at him with an innocent expression. "What? You're obviously a bottom. I mean look at you."

"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN! You can't determine who's the bottom and top in the relationship by looks alone! You've read manga before haven't you! You're a fudanshi, too, right?!"

"Yeah, but if you ever top, it'd just look like two lesbians doing it." He gave a displeased face.

"Don't imagine it! And what's with that face?!"

"Anyway, you should at least consider finding a guy for a make-out. And if you get hard, then your answers settled. I can hook you up with someone for a night."

That sounded like the guy knew a male prostitute, so Shinpachi replied, "Thank you for the suggestion, but no thank you."

 _Am I a bottom? I know that my build isn't as manly as the others, and I don't have the personality of someone who's dominant, but that's completely unrelated of who is the submissive one in bed!_

 _But when I do think of it, if I was in a relationship with Hijikata-san, I don't have to imagine it to know that it would feel out of place if I was the top. It would be extremely awkward for me to even think of Hijikata-san as the submissive one in bed when he likes to remain in control of the situation, or fights trying to. No matter how you look at it, I would be the one pi_

Shinpachi froze while his mind instantly imagined himself being pinned to a bed by Hijikata holding down his wrists. The both of them were stark naked, and the megane was already prepared to lose his virginity. The young male would pant the man's name to give him the signal that he was ready. Shinpachi imagined himself screaming in both pain and pleasure like those bottoms in the manga when his virginity is finally trespassed and obliterated by the feel of the man's cock seizing him as his own.

Shinpachi skipped the part where Hijikata was slow to make him get used to being dominated, to the part where the man sped up his thrusts. The both of them tried not to cum, but they're already at the edge. Hijikata was closer to cumming, so he evened the odds by milking Shinpachi's own cock.

Finally the two cum together. Hijikata was buried deep inside him while Shinpachi had his whole back arched, fingers clenching the bed sheet hard, and his body trembling as he made a mess of his chest and tummy.

The two would pant for air before looking at each other. Both of their eyes were in a daze. Shinpachi could imagine the sound of Hijikata's voice as he said,

"Oi, Shinpachi!" The real Hijikata yelled out from outside as he approached the open window.

SMASH! CLACK! BAM!

The vice chief didn't bother to question the noise, but he did question of why Shinpachi was hiding underneath his blanket on his futon. "Were you sleeping?"

"Y-yes! I-I'm actually not feeling well today! I must've caught something while I was out! COUGH! COUGH!" Shinpachi can't face him! Not when...Not when he's HARD! Does this mean he's actually ga-BISEXUAL?!

It's just like Minoru-san said! If he got hard because of a guy, it definitely means that he is! He didn't kiss Hijikata-san, but to imagine the both of the in a situation and LIKE it should be plenty enough!

"Did you catch it from that guy you were with earlier?" The older samurai sounded annoyed.

"Guy?" Shinpachi forgot his embarrassment and faced Hijikata who had that protective glare on his expression. He quickly replied, "That was just my friend, Minoru-san."

"A friend. I don't remember friends going into an alley and kissing. Unless..."

Shinpachi swore that for every blush he made, he'd be rich by now. "It's not like that! He-He was just helping me!"

" _ **Helping**_." A demonic aura overfilled the room.

"It's not like that either! He has a boyfriend! But because he has a boyfriend, I made him stop!"

 _" **Ooooooh, so he's the type to play around. I can fix that. Just give me his address of where he lives and works, and I'll take care of it**."_ Hijikata unsheathed his sword with a demonic expression that scared the birds away.

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Shinpachi ran to his window. His boner was gone when he thought of how Hijikata was bound to torture his childhood friend! "Minoru-san didn't do anything wrong! He was born here, but he moved, so he's like a foreigner now instead of a native! Would you like some mayonnaise tea! I'll serve them right away!"

"Don't bother. I just came here looking for Kondo-san, but I just remembered that today is his day off." Hijikata said, but Shinpachi knew better. The proud man actually came here to make sure the younger samurai was okay. That made Shinpachi smile.

"Then I'll give you some. You must be running out of the last tea batch I gave you."

"It's alright. You can give me on my birthday. You guys always try to make a surprise party every year, so you can eat food and drink booze until you forget whose birthday you're celebratin' in the first place." he felt an angry mark when he remembered how a certain drunk silver haired bastard and super sadist had him tied up in bondage and pulled him to the ceiling to be made into a pinata.

Shinpachi remembered that. He got mad at Gintoki for that, but the idiot didn't remember the next morning. "Okay. Oh, but Kondo-san had your party scheduled at five, and I have an otaku meeting with Otsu-chan that won't end until six. I'll try to leave early, but I hope you don't mind that I come late."

"Do whatever you want. I'll see you around, Shinpachi. Don't go around kissing any foreigners from now on."

Shinpachi yelled out of embarrassment, "I WON'T! YOU SHOULD TRY KISSING SOMEONE ONCE IN AWHILE!"

 _Maybe me._

Hijikata smiled as he left.

Then to his surprise, Sougo was standing outside of the Shimura's household. "Sougo, what are you doing here? Didn't I tell you that I had business to take care of."

The first division captain stared at him as he remembered what happened earlier. Him and Hijikata was searching through the city for clues on the missile cult, while also being on patrol.

During their work, they came across Shinpachi being all buddy-buddy with a red head. The sadist didn't mind, but he easily noticed that his lame vice chief did. The dumb samurai glared hard at the hand that was holding onto Shinpachi's waist. The man nearly unsheathed his sword when the red head tapped his lips with his finger, and then dragged Shinpachi into an alley way.

Sougo thought Hijikata was going to follow them, but the older officer just stood where he was until the two came out less than a minute later. The two teens kept their distance from each other this time, and that calmed the ravenet to completely sheath his sword back.

"...I'm going to tell Kondo-san that you're stalking that gorilla woman, too." The sadist walked away to tattle tale.

Hijikata chased after him. "Who's stalking?! Don't lump me in with those people! Sougo! Oi! Sougo!"

Shinpachi was smiling to himself. He finally had his answer, and that was liberating, but also softly painful since he had fallen for Hijikata in the process. However the fall wasn't too high since he was preventing himself from getting in too deep with these new feelings. He supposed that it was okay to have this unrequited love for Hijikata-san. If Kondo, Kyuubei, and Sacchan can live with it...he can definitely live with it better than them.

He promised as he sipped his mayonnaise flavored tea.

._._._.

A/N: Aaaah, sweet, painful irony at the end. Shinpachi realizes that he has a crush on Hijikata and plans on keeping it to himself. He's just satisfied that he finally figured out his sexuality.

Though to be a bit more clear, Shinpachi's bisexuality is _"heterosexual-leaning"_ since he is most likely to fall for a girl instead of a guy, but that doesn't mean Hijikata can't make him lean his way when he discovers his feelings.

*It's a parallel to the second story in episode 269

*Sex Pistols is an actual yaoi manga. Disclaimer: I don't own it obviously.

*Tomokazu Sugita actually voice Yonekuni in the sex pistols ova!

*The Otsu arc when Tosshi and Shinpachi fought


	5. episodes 257-265

A/N: Kagura is 16, so expect more maturity from her. A little Ginshin humor, too.

*Characters from Attack of the Titans

._._._.

Chapter 4: Gintama episodes 257-265 are the most depressing since it hits you with three incredibly sad stories in a row…

 _Dear Diary #105_

 _My mind is filled with Hijikata-san. Before, it was just filled with what my sexuality possibly was because I used to be so sure that I was straight, but after that changed, I feel unsettled. Now that I am not distracted by my confusion, I put myself in a deeper pit of unsettledness that I hope anue-e and the others won't notice._

Shinpachi wrote with cherry blossom cheeks and a crooked frown. His body was tensed as he made sure no one was seeing him in this private act. It was nighttime however, and it was almost time to sleep.

 _I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone about this, including Saigou-san. I tried to reason with myself that what I feel right now is just lust like I would for a cute girl, but that was both degrading for me and Hijikata-san. His birthday is tomorrow, and I'm not sure if I can look him in the face when I imagined the two of us in bed...doing things that are none of your business to know!_

 _I've been training myself to not imagine it again by slapping myself hard. In one day, my cheeks were bruised to the point that I had to use two ice packs to lessen the swell. I suppose it cannot be helped. Unlike with a stranger or Otsu-chan, I've seen Hijikata-san naked. For it to turn me on now makes me hope that we never end up in a hot springs together again!_

 _I have also punched my head a few times when I imagined the two of us in impossible or cheesy romantic scenarios. I can't do that. I have to prevent myself from falling in love!_

 _It's a good thing I bought a book this time! It turns out that unlike the internet, the library is an easier place to find the right information I need. I got myself a library card, and rented out a book titled, "10 Ways To Prevent Yourself From Falling in love!" I also rented out a book titled, "How To Effectively Get Rid Of Stalkers If They're A Policeman" and "How To Deal With An Amanto's Puberty And Teenage Years".  
_

 _For my prevention book, #1 is to distract myself from thinking about Hijikata-san. I can do that by attending to my job and chores both here at the dojo and at the yorozuya!_

 _#2 is don't be a stalker. Don't have to tell me twice. It's the one thing I can do very well on this list._

Shinpachi wrote while he heard the sounds of of a gorilla screaming and his bones breaking outside his room.

 _#3 is don't do things just to please your crush. That would be hard considering that Hijikata-san wouldn't ask me to do anything unless it was crucial, but he's also the type to avoid asking for help because he's a very prideful person. I suppose that this advice is useless for me._

 _#4 is don't flirt and avoid being too friendly. Hijikata-san and I aren't the type to flirt, and we are friends. If Hijikata-san acted the way Minoru-san did, then it would be a problem, but I can't imagine Hijikata-san doing that, so this advice is also pointless for me._

 _#5 is to think of the bad sides of Hijikata-san, because I may be thinking of him too highly._

 _If I had to list every one of his faults:_

 _1) His obsession with mayonnaise and addiction to smoking. It's really unhealthy, and I read in a book I found at the library that the food and habits that spike a person's blood pressure can lead to ED. Will there be a sex life? NOT THAT I'M EXPECTING ONE!_

Shinpachi paused to cool his face down, and slapped his face hard again and again to prevent himself from thinking about having sex with Hijikata-san! He stopped slapping himself once he felt disoriented. He then shook his head, and continued with just going onto number 6.

 _#6 is to avoid him and make distance between each other to avoid physical intimacy. Hijikata-san and I are not intimate, but I think that if I touched his hand, even briefly, I might explode! AUGH! I sound like a weirdo! I've known him for two years! And I'm acting like an overreacting virgin!_

(You are one, Shinpachi. LOL.)

 _I need to remain focus! Which brings us to #7 which is that I must focus on someone else other than Hijikata-san! If I fall for another person, then the feelings for both of them will fuse out or one will win! I am already head over heels over Otsu-chan, so all I have to do is put all my love into her! Even more than ever before! I have to listen to her music twice as much! I stare at photos of her twice as much! I have to cheer for her at concerts twice as much! I have to be twice as hard as the captain of the Terakado Tsuu's Imperial Guards. I AM FIRED UP!_

 _Aaah, but right now let's finish this list._

 _#7 is Realize the difference between love and attraction. I am sure that I can tell the difference. I can be attracted to other girls, but my love for Otsuu-chan is real. If I was just attracted to Hijikata-san, then I wouldn't have such a problem in the first place. I do admire Hijikata-san and I do find him handsome. Who wouldn't? He makes me pretty envious as a guy. But Hijikata-san is also one of my dearest friends, and I cherish the relationship we have now. This is why I have to not fall to deep in love with him._

 _I do want to cherish him more. I want to get under that hard shell of a demon vice chief of the shinsengumi, and share with him things I would with others, and things I wouldn't. I feel safe with Hijikata-san. I also feel pleasantly calm, and maybe a little mischievous. Teasing him can be fun sometimes, and I feel like I do see a side of Hijikata-san that others don't. But what do I know. Maybe he is more relaxed and a bit goofy with Kondo-san and the others. Aaaah, I want to see Hijikata-san. I want to hear his deep voice reverberate through my entire being and shake my core. I want his gun-metal blue eyes to look at me with a bit of an adoration of their own, even though I don't have much to be adored about..._

 _WAIT! I SHOULDN'T BE WRITINGTHIS! NOOO! I NEED TO DISTRACT MY THOUGHTS! BUT FIRST I NEED TO FINISH THIS LIST!_

 _#8 is that I need to consider my self respect. There's a reason why I want to not fall in love with Hijikata-san, and it's not only because I want to keep our friendship! It's also because even though I do want to do all these things with Hijikata-san, but because I'm not sure if he is capable of reciprocating these feelings. I don't want to look down on Hijikata-san, but for a man who doesn't believe in love, he will most likely have no confidence that he can reciprocate my feelings._

 _I could help him, but to be in a relationship isn't about fixing someone. The person in the relationship is responsible in changing and fixing himself, but I'm not sure if Hijikata-san will want to do that. I'm most likely running into a brick wall if I do try to be in a relationship with Hijikata-san because I refused to read the dead end signs.  
_

Shinpachi felt guilty and depressed by what he wrote, but he strode forward.

 _#9 is to convince myself that I'm not in love with Hijikata-san. I may only be infatuated with him for now, and it's bound to go away. But it's not like there's a chance of anything happening between us anyway.  
_

 _#10 is to Talk to him if everything failed. If I do end up being unable to not stop being in love with him, then the book told me to ask for his help to stop these feelings. I'm sure Hijikata-san will say something cruel to help me give up. It's best to get my heart ready for that.  
_

Shinpachi stopped writing. His eyes were on his diary, and he refused to reread what he just wrote. His heart was being squeezed so painfully that he could barely breathe. He sat there at his table with a hopeless expression before he eventually put his diary away, and sleep his feelings off.

._._._.

"So me and my boyfriend were like doing it. Oral I mean. And I was having difficulty because he was thiiiiiis big! He didn't want to put it in me, but I was like 'Bitch, we doing it. But fist me first'. And when I got bored of him fisting me, I jumped on him. He yelled 'It's never gonna fit!' n' I was like 'Shut up!' and then...Nothing. I blacked out, but he told me after my surgery that there I was broken inside and there was blood everywhere."

Shinpachi stared at Minoru-san. "..." He got up, crouched down in a fighting style, and then yelled, "WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?!"

"Shut up, Virginpachi!" Kagura yelled at him. Otsu and the other two nameless girls nodded firmly.

"Who're you calling a Virginpachi?! Don't agree with her, Otsuu-chan!"

Gintoki was looking away while digging his nose with his pinkie trying to erase what he heard from his memory.

The otaku club was at different park in Edo that was near a church since the otaku club was taking picture of vampires, devils, and other Gothic themed characters as well as light hearted ones associated with the park.

Minoru laughed at the poor megane, having his arm around his shoulders. "It's okay, Virginpachi."

"I'm gonna kick you, Minoru." muttered Shinpachi.

"Taking your first cock will hurt if you don't learn to relax. You're new, so I gotta tell you that there's a lot of things you have to do to make sure you're all clean to bottom." He leaned closer to Shinpachi's face and whispered huskily, "Want me to show you?"

WHACK! CRACK!

"GIN-SAN!" Shinpachi cried out when a demonic Gintoki smacked Minoru with his sword, and then stomped on his cheek on the floor with his foot.

 ** _"What were you planning to show him exactly? HNNNNGH? Did you think that I would let you show him this and that, this and that, and that other thing? HNNNNNGH?!"_** Th samurai rubbed his foot hard against the younger man's face. **_"Do you think that I will let you strip away Shinpachi's purity?! Do you even know this boy?! Even though he also likes women, he only reads porn books once or twice a year. I've only know him for two years which mean he's only read four! FOUR! What kind of man only read four in two years! He's never even seen a cheap PORNO on cable! HNNNNNGH!"_**

"Why are you telling him this?!" Shinpachi yelled while wondering of whether the idiot was trying to pain him as a saint or a really pathetic guy!

Gintoki ignored him, **_"Those shitty BL books don't even count! They may be naked, but the sex is only for three to five pages and the dicks aren't even drawn! A guy's ass shouldn't be so easy to enter out of convenience! Don't these women know how a guy's ass works!"_**

"Why do you know that, Gin-san?" Shinpachi inquired.

 ** _"Do you understand now?! There's no way I can let the only pure one in the Yorozuya lose it to some pervert like you or anyone the author wish to shit out into this Fanfiction! Not after I failed Kagura!_** ACK!" Gintoki was kicked by the said teenager he failed. "FORK NAIL PUNCH!' He rolled around and then collided with a wall.

Kagura huffed. "I don't remember giving you the power to decide when and with who I lose my virginity, too. Keeping one's virginity is an outdated ideal, when a woman can get what she wants and keep her honor without having to be pure." She spit at the ground.

Otsuu-chan and the girls squealed. "You're so cool, Kagura-chan!"

Kagura also told Shinpachi, "You shouldn't listen to what stupid men like Gin-chan say these days. You can hold your virginity like some sort of prize, but if you decide to wanna lose it for fun, it's nothin' to be ashamed of. You're body belongs to you, and it'll be beautiful and treasured no matter what happens to it." She gave him an encouraging, mature smile.

"Kagura-chan..." Shinpachi did feel a bit envious that Kagura reached that part of adult hood before him at such a young age, but he wasn't upset over it like Gin-san was. He understood that Kagura was a strong woman who could take care of herself, and he trusted her to make the right decision for herself. He nodded to her with a smile to show his understanding and appreciation.

"WE HAVE A PROBLEM!" One of the club members cried out, "Three of our cosplayers were injured in a fight over whether Levi should be shipped with Erwin, Hanji, or Eren!*"

"Oh no! Which one of them were hurt!" Otsuu-chan asked worriedly.

"Uhm...the wedding couple and the maid of honor." The member reported.

Shinpachi felt his heart skip a beat when Otsuu looked his way. He felt his forehead sweating. The trio mentioned had two females and one male, and Gintoki was obviously a man, so that meant that he was the maid of honor...

"WHY AM I THE BRIDE?!" Shinpachi was wearing an appliqued elegant, satin wedding ball gown with off the shoulder sleeves, a scoop neckline, a sweep train, and a bow with flowers on his back. They attached a fishtail braid to his hair and put on a tiara. For his makeup, they put on a baby blue eye shadow, mascara to curl his upper and lower lashes, and put on a medium pink lip gloss on his lips.

"Because the bride is flat chested, and we weren't doing any cross-dress cosplay, so we didn't have any binds to flatten your friend's chest." One of the members told him.

"OOWOOOH!" Kagura's eyes sparkled at the sight of the megane. "Shinpachi looks so pretty!" The red head was wearing a knee-length, pale blue, bridesmaid dress with a one shoulder flower strap and silver high heels.

Shinpachi sweat dropped a little at her compliment. It's one thing for Minoru to call him a beauty, it was another thing to be called a feminine word like 'pretty'.

"That's enough! Are you trying to choke me to death! " Gintoki yelled at one of the members who tightened his tie a little too much.

Shinpachi's eyes widened. Gintoki was wearing a black wig this time, and because his face looked almost looked like the other man, Shinpachi found himself blushing. Seeing Gintoki in a suit and tie was weird, but if Shinpachi didn't focus on his eyes, he would see Hijikata-san.

He couldn't hit himself since he might mess up the makeup, so he focused hard on Gintoki's dead fish eyes with all seriousness, but he added a gentleness to his stare when he could see a playful, gentleness in Gintoki's eyes. The two of them were standing on the church's door steps while Kagura was giving a smile of approval in the background. Shinpachi didn't know which wedding couple he was cosplaying as, but he seemed to be able to be in sync with Gintoki.

Gintoki's hands were secured around his waist, and smile was warm and inviting. Shinpachi warmly smiled back as he reminisced of all the adventures the two of them had went through together, and his consistent admiration of the man. Then those memories added Kagura, when she decided to join in with them since she never liked to be in the background anyway.

The photographers didn't seem to mind since the three of them looked good together in the shots.

Otsu and Minoru watched them. "Aaah, Mi-chan, they look so happy together! It makes me want to run over them!"

"Maybe there's something between those two?" Her choreographer suggested in a whisper. His hand was covering the sight of his mouth from the happy trio.

"Huh?" Otsu whispered back.

"I mean look at the way Shin-chan is looking at him! That warm, loving gaze. Y'gotta admit that its different than how he looks at Kagura-chan, right? He looks at her like a little sister or a daughter!"

"Hmmm." Otsu looked at the trio. Kagura had just shove Shinpachi away, and held onto Gintoki as if she was taking him all for herself. Shinpachi got mad at her for getting out of character for the photoshoot, but if someone were to not know what he was shouting about, he would look like the angry, shocked bride. "If what you say is true, then Kagura-chan is the jealous sister, or daughter who wants her sister's boyfriend, or her daddy all to herself."

"But since in reality, they are not related, so it's a love triangle!"

"OH! If this was a manga...Then Shin-chan and Kagura-chan were fighting over Gin-san, and Gin-san chose Shin-chan!" She cried out her last sentence at the same time Kagura had Gintoki's wig fall off!

Suddenly a rain of kunai dropped on the church. The trio was about to jump out of the way with the photographers.

"Wh-WHO DID THIS?!" Shinpachi cried out!

"It was me." Everyone looked up at the church's roof to see Sarutobi shrouded in an ominous shadow with a blinding white light as her background. She shaking voice spoke softly, "I...I can't believe this! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT 2ND RATE MEGANE WAS ABLE TO OUTDO ME AND WIN GIN-CHAN'S HEART AND BODY!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING 2ND RATE!" Shinpachi yelled, but he was ignored by the crazy woman.

"What was it, Gin-chan?! What don't I have that that prude has?! I should've known something was not right when he would stay over at your house, and sleep in your room with you! I should've known something was wrong when I heard the creaking sounds! How could you, Gin-chan! Why turn to him, when my body was always ready for you!"

Gintoki yelled back, "OII! Don't make it sound like I defiled him! I'm not gay, you bitch! And even if I was desperate, I wouldn't turn to you, pig!"

Sarutobi ignored him too. "Now you two are happily married and didn't bother to invite me even though we've went through so much together! Is this how it feels to be Jacob (Twilight)! I bet that you two are planning to make a baby through supernatural means on your honeymoon!"

"Someone shoot her down please." The fake married couple pleaded.

"But I won't let that happen! I won't!" She threw a rain of kunais at them.

Gintoki and Shinpachi didn't have their swords to deflect them, but Gintoki still moved to get Shinpachi behind him. He called out, "Kagura!"

"Yosh!" She got in front of them and opened her umbrella. She successfully blocked them to almost everyone's relief, but then the Yato declared, "I won't let you destroy this marriage! I was also suspicious of when they would sleep in Gin-chan's room without me! I should've been suspicious when I heard Shinpachi choking on something in the middle of the night!"

"What the hell are you insinuating!" Shinpachi cried out. His face red by humiliation since they were in public and phones were recording this moment!

Kagura ignored him to say with sorrowful passion, "I understand how you feel Sacchan, but for the sake of both their happiness, I smiled for them! Even if it hurt walking down that aisle seeing his smile!"

"I-Is this a confession?" Gintoki was sweating nervously because he lived with this chick. Rejection won't make a peaceful household.

Both women were crying now. Shinpachi and Gintoki were not sure of what to do now. They looked at each other and silently agreed that it was best to sneak away at this moment.

But then something black and purple dyed the atmosphere. "I-Is that so..." A brunette in a pink kimono said ominously.

"Anu-Anue-e!" Both men were paralyzed at the sight of her slowly unlocking the demon within her. Shinpachi tried to explain, "Thi-This isn't-"

"HOW COULD YOU!" She sucker punched Gintoki, making him crash into kunai covered staircase.

"GIN-SAN!"

Otae-chan darkly told the partially conscious man, "I should've known something was wrong when my cute, innocent brother would come home with sore hips and a sore lower back."

"That was just from work!" Shinpachi exclaimed, but his cries fell on deaf ears once again.

"You may have defiled my brother, but I will never accept this holy union! You think I will accept a no-good, lazy pervert as my brother's husband and take away the Shimura last name from the future generations?! You are a thousand years too early to consider yourself good enough to take the Shimura name." She spit at his face before turning around to face her little brother who was too terrified to say anything. His sister may be smiling sweetly at him, but she knew that it was hiding dark, brutal intentions behind it. "C'mon Shin-chan. Let's get you home, and find a tower to lock you up in for all eternity. Okay?"

"NO! Nelson hold!" Kagura held onto Otae-chan before she could grab onto Shinpachi's wrist! "I'm sorry Anego! Go Shinpachi! I'll hold her off! Get Gintoki, and reach to your plane that'll bring you off to your honeymoon!"

Shinpachi knew that this was crazy, but he also knew that no one was willing to listen, so he did as he was told. He ran to get Gintoki, but a kunai stopped him.

"I won't let you take him!" Sarutobi jumped off the roof, and planned to strike Shinpachi, but Minoru pushed her to the side and held her in a camel hold. "Go Shin-chan! The otaku club will hold her off so you two can go make your honeymoon babies!"

"You're just making this worse!" Shinpachi wanted to hit everyone, but then Gin-san's groan distracted him. "Gin-san! Come on! We have to leave!"

The silver haired samurai didn't have to be told twice before the two got on the moped and raced off to safety. They hoped that everyone was able to hold them off for long enough!

"OOOOOWOH!" Two dangerous females were chasing after them.

"THAT WASN'T EVEN LONG AT ALL! WHERE'S KAGURA-CHAN!" Shinpachi asked, but then noticed a third female running behind them.

She roared, "I CAN'T ACCEPT IT, AFTER ALL!"

"You know we aren't actually married, you idiot!" Gintoki yelled at her as he pushed the gas pedal at full speed.

"Faster! Faster!" Shinpachi begged!

"I'm going as fast as I can!" Gintoki yelled back! He looked over his shoulder, and didn't see three women chasing after them. Instead he saw a purple boar, a blood orange dog, and a gorilla chasing after them.

Shinpachi just wanted to get safe, but then he noticed that the sun was setting! That meant that it was already 6:30! "Gin-san, we need to head to the shinsengumi headquarters!"

"What! Why!"

._._._.

"We knew that the shinsengumi would be coming for us, so we placed false leads for you for fun! LOL. But some may not be so false, but your eyes could be blinded by your lack of imagination or perception. LOL. Our religion supports games. LOL. So please do your best and have fun! LOL. It may be challenging for you humans, so we decided to give you a month or two in advance! LOL. Don't give up! ROFL! Love the Missile Revolution Organization! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL!"

 **SMASH! WHACK! CLACK! CRACK!**

"Chief! Vice chief Hijikata is still destroying the room!" One of the shinsengumi officers reported!

Kondou and Sougo just stared at him. Their mayo addict had been at this for over an hour, that even the "surprise" party that's been prepared had to be delayed.

They figured that Hijikata must be ready to stop soon. Kondou figured he should be the one to initiate the time to stop. "Maaah! Hijikata-san, yo-you must be famished after venting your stress out of shinsengumi equipment that cost a fortune, neh?" Hijikata didn't answer. He was still seething with high-blooded frustration mixed with the tar of smoking and fats from mayonnaise in his system. Kondou felt intimidated, but he had to move forward. It was his long time friend's birthday. "Yeah! We all are, so let's go eat!"

"Is the yorozuya here?" The stressed man was able to ask.

Kondou and Sougo were both surprised by the question, but they guessed that the man had really burnt his brain cells. Sougo was the one to reply, "Nah. They had a wedding to attend."

"A wedding?"

._._._.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Shinpachi and Gintoki screamed as they were still being chased. They tried to lose them by getting on the crowded street, but even with the oncoming traffic, the inhuman females barged through them like an army of thousands!

"Can nothing stop them! Gin-san, we need to lose them!"

"Heheh...I have a way. How about we go there?"

Shinpachi looked at where he was point to see the sea. "ARE YOU CRAZY!"

"But Shinpachi...We're almost out of gas..."

Shinpachi fell silent. He had two ways to die.

But then there was a honk. A bike pulled up to them to reveal Elizabeth and Katsura peddling up to them in tuxes. "Ooooh, Gintoki! It's a good thing I caught up to you! If you must know, I was on standby during the entire wedding."

"WHY ARE YOU HERE?! THERE WAS NO WEDDING TO BEGIN WITH SO HOW COULD YOU HAVE BEEN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU MORON!"

"It's not moron, it's Katsura."

"I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE! CAN'T Y'SEE I'M TRYING TO RUN AWAY FOR MY LIFE!"

"Ah, I see! The rite of passage to your honeymoon before you make your baby through supernatural means!"

"YOU'RE REALLY PISSING ME OFF! WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?!"

"It's not polite to go to a wedding without a gift, so Elizabeth and I got you this bike."

"Thank you very much." The fake wedding couple kicked off the two weirdos, and started cycling away from the three woman army.

"PEDDLE FOR YOUR LIFE SHINPACHI!"

"WAAAAAAAAAH!" Shinpachi did his battle cry!

But then Shinpachi found a whip around him and was pulled away onto the top of a deliver truck. "SHINPACHI!" Gintoki cried out, but then the wheel of the bike was shot off, which threw him off.

He ran for his life away from Kagura and Otae while Shinpachi was left to deal with Sarutobi. "SARUTOBI PLEASE! WE DIDN'T GET MARRIED!"

"Don't lie to me to get out of this! Once you're married, it's an endless battle of fidelity! You must always prove your loyalty! Once you lose, the winner can have him!"

"What kind of marriage rule is that!" Shinpachi didn't have his sword, and moving in this ballgown was difficult so he was doomed! But before Sarutobi could attack, Otae-chan appeared to save him! "Anue-e!"

"Shut up! When we get home, you're living in a tower from now on! I'll buy a dragon for a pet and no man is allowed to have you unless they get through the both of us first!"

Shinpachi hoped that she was just joking. He snuck away from the duel between Sarutobi and his big sister, so he could slip down to the side and reach the passenger side. He knocked on the window, and the driver wasn't phased at all to see a bride hanging off his truck. He just opened the door without stopping the car, and let the cross dresser in. He asked, "Where to?"

"Uh, can we make two stops, and fast. I'm late for a really important event." Shinpachi gave him the locations' addresses.

"Okay." The driver pressed the gas pedal and started plowing through cars and people to get through. Sarutobi and his sister were knocked off by a bridge.

._._._.

"You're thirty today, and you're still not married." Matsudaira sighed in disappointment.

Hijikata felt an angry mark on his cheek. "Oi, why is the old man here?" Nobody answered. Everyone was trying to have a good time, but Hijikata's gloom made it difficult to even drink sake. The sudden arrival of the old man didn't help matters either.

The old man replied, "You've been ignoring my messages. My calls. Have you even bothered to look at the photographs and resumes of the potential candidates for an omiai at least."

"I'm too busy to bother with this wedding arrangement nonsense."

"Eh?" The old man rasped. "So you think you're too good to be married huh. Well let me tell you something, if you don't get married in the next three seconds, I'll shoot every married man in this room. You must be feeling lucky, Kondou."

"Wait a minute!" Hijikata ordered.

"One." Every married man jumped out of the way to live as a bullet was fired.

"Eh? You're still not married, Toushi. Then I'll have to wait another three seconds."

"You didn't even wait for two seconds! And it's impossible to get married right now! Unless a bride comes in here right now, you're just going to fill this place with holes! We already have enough on the shinsengumi bill to pay for damages!"

"You caused those damages, Hijikata-san." Sougo reminded him while eating a piece of his birthday cake. "It's best to shoot him first, old man. Maybe his life insurance will cover it."

"You quiet!" Hijikata ordered!

"I still don't see a bride, and my patience is wearing thin. Maybe I should shoot you in the arm, and get you to the hospital so you can meet a nice nurse lady, do the funky monkey late at night, and then get her pregnant, and you'll have no choice but to get married and be a family. You may feel a bit empty with your wife once you realized you aren't compatible, but at least you have a beautiful daughter who still loves you even if your a sleazy old man still going out to hostess bars and drinking late at night." The sunglasses wearing, gun wielding maniac sighed depressingly.

Hijikata felt his honor insulted because like hell he's gonna do it with some random nurse and knock her up! Who does this guy take him for?! That silver haired bastard?!

The maniac continued, "So Toushi, ready to enter Valhalla. I'll make sure you come back to mother earth, and the first face you'll see is the cutest nurse in all of Edo. But before that I'll give you to the count of three to find a bride."

"Wai-"

"On-"

"I'M HERE!" An outside voice called out. Shinpachi arrived still wearing the wedding dress. Despite everything that happened, he was still clean and and perfect for a wedding to take place. "I'm sorry I'm late, Hijikata-san! You wouldn't believe what happened earlier, but I'm here now!" The teen was just happy to be there, but everyone was staring at him with dumbstruck faces.

Matsudaira put his gun away, and then gave his approval, "You snatched a good one, Toushi."

"Go to hell already old man!"

Sougo asked Shinpachi, "Why are you dressed like that?"

Before a reply could come, Gintoki in his groom clothing flung through the air with a deranged Kagura on Sadaharu right behind him.

BOOM!

A bloody Sarutobi and Otae-chan had just broke through the shinsengumi's concrete wall instead of just leaping over it. They inquired with a silent promise of death, **_"Where is the bride?"_ **

Kagura laughed maniacally, "You two have nowhere to run! I will have your hearts carved out of your body and-hey, is that cake! Go get it Sadaharu!"

"Aff!" The two off them ignored the blood covered, half-conscious Gin-san on the ground to leap into the room.

"Gin-san!" Shinpachi ran over to him.

Matsudaira quickly assumed the situation, "Huh, is that your groom. Well, it doesn't matter. A groom is no good if they can't defend their lady. Once he loses, the winner can have the bride, so Toushi, after I kill him, you'll have to kill me to get your bride. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to take."

"Someone please kill him before he does anything." Hijikata sarcastically pleaded.

"Wait stop old man!" Kondou pleaded! "That's Otae-chan's little brother!"

"Little brother?" He assumed that guy was the groom. "I guess I can't kill him."

"LIKE HELL YOU WOULD!" Otae-chan kicked him unconscious, and then noticed the opened cooler had bargain dash inside! She forgot all her anger to have some!

"It looks like my opponent is distracted, so it's a good time to-" Sarutobi was knocked unconscious by a plate thrown by Otae-chan.

Nobody bothered to do anything about her, so they moved on.

"Gin-san, are you okay?!" Shinpachi called out to him, but there was no answer. "Gin-san! Gin-san!"

"Uuuuugh," The samurai rejected the light he saw, and instead saw a pair of worried brown eyes. "A-a-are you an angel?"

Shinpachi felt himself relax to a smile. Usually, he wouldn't be so worried, but after being chased by three unstoppable female forces, he really thought it would be the end of them. "It looks like we survived today. Maybe there is an angel here."

Gin-san felt his wits come back to him, and returned the smile.

Hijikata felt a second angry mark on his forehead. "OIIII! What the hell happened to you two?!"

Kagura was the one to explain to everyone of what happened. She just went along with the two females to have some fun, but she was secretly jealous of how close and weirdly loving Gin-san and Shinpachi were without her.

With that settled, almost everyone laughed, and continued the party with a better mood since Kagura and Otae were around to liven up the place! They partied all night long with alcohol, games, jokes, karaoke and laughter!

Everyone enjoyed themselves, until they fell asleep. Shinpachi put a blanket over Gintoki, Kagura and his sister who took comfort in Sadaharu's soft, warm fur. He then took a look around, and sighed. It was certainly a mess of things, but it was evidence of a fun party.

Then he noticed someone missing. He searched around the shinsengumi headquarters, and then found him sitting on the porch staring up at the moon with a blank look on his expression. Shinpachi paused himself from approaching him, and then had an idea. He left to the kitchen, and then returned with a tray of two cups of tea.

He finally called out, "Hijikata-san, you look frazzled."

The gun-blue eyed man looked his way emotionlessly, but when he saw the sight of those kind eyes and smile that created a portrait of friendliness, he looked away. Shinpachi took that as a sign that the man would rather talk after being served.

So he set the tray between them since #6 was to avoid him or make distance between them. The two picked up their cup, and drank their tea. Hijikata noticed the flavor. "You bought the mayo-tea after all."

"You told me to. I actually got your gift here." He reached into his skirt making Hijikata internally panic for a moment before a paper bag came out. The megane explained, "I was in a hurry, and I was worried that Sarutobi or the others might destroy your gift if I held onto it, so I got a stapler and stapled it onto the inside of my skirt. Hopefully when I return it, I won't be scolded, or worse, made to pay for it." He handed the bag over.

Hijikata looked inside to see the packaged tea inside, and mayonnaise bottles that were from the other two. Nothing surprised him except for one thing. He took it out for closer inspection. "A tea cup?" He looked at what was written on it, "Keep calm and focus on mayonnaise".

Shinpachi hurriedly explained, "I was surprised to see something like that written on it, too, since it should be mugs that would have something ridiculous like that written on it!...Do you like it?"

The megane remembered when he spotted that cup a few days earlier. He knew that rule #1 was to distract himself from thinking about Hijikata, but he couldn't ignore the tea cup!

And he didn't regret it when he saw the small smile on that tired expression. Then Hijikata noticed something else. "Oh there's a second one."

"Huh?" There shouldn't be...

"It says, 'Keep calm by focusing on megane'."

"WAAH! No! That wasn't supposed to be in there! I'll take it back!" Shinpachi tried to get it back, but the demon vice chief kept it away from his grasp! The skirt wasn't helping either! "Hey! That's not your gift, so give it back!"

"Too bad. I already decided to keep it."

"What're you?! A kid?! You shouldn't take something that wasn't meant for you!"

"But I want it, and you wouldn't take something away from the birthday boy would you."

Shinpachi felt an angry mark on his cheek. "Who's the birthday boy? More like birthday boar."

"What did you say to me?! That's it! I'm keeping this after all!" Hijikata stuffed it right back into the paper bag and folded it close.

"But if you keep it, everyone will get the wrong idea since they only see me as glasses most of the time."

"So what. It's none of their business."

"Maybe you're fine with it, but what if Okita-san and the gorilla gets the wrong idea?! I don't want to get into some weird misunderstanding from those two the most! I already nearly died by the hands of a bunch of deranged females!"

Hijikata knew that was true, and wanted to avoid the misunderstanding too, so he took out a permanent marker, and covered the "gane" part of "megane", so it read, 'Keep calm by focusing on me'. "There. Is that better?"

Shinpachi looked at it, and thought it was better. He also felt happy that they had a little secret of their own between just the two of them. He mentally pummeled himself for thinking about that! He wasn't really upset with the thought, but more about how happy it made him! He nodded, and then it fell silent between the two.

The younger samurai decided to ask, "Aren't you tired, Hijikata-san? You weren't very active at your own birthday party compared to last year."

Hijikata felt hot blooded when that question reminded him of his problem! He couldn't stop himself from complaining, "It's the damn missiles cult! They put false leads so the shinsengumi is scattered all over the place, and every freakin' time we find a freakin' false lead, I have to listen to the same video over and over again! The most annoying part is that they use LOL at the fuckin' end of their sentences! Who the fuck does that?! I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER CREATED THAT WORD!"

Shinpachi felt a pinch of a fear from the man's deadly promise, but he remained relaxed and said, "Then if you plan on killing anyone, you should get a good night's rest."

"You think I haven't been trying? Every time I close my eyes, the freaking word pops into my head. It's been giving me insomnia lately." That must explain why he's being so careless with some of his words.

"Then you should give your responsibility to someone else for a while. I understand that you want to give your all to this mission, but it's no good for the shinsengumi if they lose their valuable vice chief. They'd be lost without you if you went insane. You may think now that you won't, but please consider how everyone else must feel. They must be worried about you."

Hijikata knew that. Kondou had pleaded for him to take a break, but he shoved that kindness aside because he was too proud, and he thirsted to have the cult's blood in his hands while they lay on the floor half-dead. It's what they deserve after making them play their retarded games! He furrowed his brows as he felt an annoying feeling of guilt but stubbornness intoxicating him. "Fine! I'll take a break next month!"

Shinpachi happily said, "Next week then! I'll tell Kondou right away tomorrow!"

"What do you mean next week, I said next month!"

"Tomorrow? You must be really eager to get your rest, Hijikata-san!"

"Are you even listening to me! Who are you! My mother?!"

"You can still do your police work, but you have to take a leave of absence from this mission for a while."

"I won't get a wink of sleep if I did that." The man grumbled.

Shinpachi grimaced. Hijikata-san was being really stubborn! He decided to take the tray with the tea cups and bring them back to the kitchen, and then get back to the thorny idiot to force him to enter his room. He then pulled the stubborn bull down to his futon, and forced his head onto his lap.

"What are you doing?!" Hijikata had been asking since he was forced in here like a child!

"Proving that you can get a wink of sleep if you tried! If you're gonna act like a stubborn child, then I should just treat you as one!"

"You bastard! You think that I will do as you say!"

"Obviously not." Shinpachi replied without a doubt which shut Hijikata up. The young samurai explained, "I'm not as close to you as Kondou-san, and I'm not as terrifying like my sister, but the least I can do is try and take care of you because we're friends. It's still your birthday, Hijikata-san. Having a party prepared for you, and receiving gifts means nothing if you can't appreciate it because you're so hung up with this mission. It's admirable that you're going out of your way, even on your birthday, to do your job, but it's pitiful when you can't enjoy the benefits that job provides for you."

"I'll have another birthday. It's not like I wanted to celebrate it."

"True, but it was a fantastic birthday that Kondou worked hard to set up to show how much he appreciated you. It's too bad that you were too worked up to notice." Shinpachi said sweetly, though his words carried a hot, iron burn to them. Then he kindly ordered, "Close your eyes, Hijikata-san. It's time for you to get that good night rest."

"Even i-"

"Shhh." Shinpachi shushed him. "Relax. Edo will be peaceful tonight, but if it isn't, it'll be okay. Your men can handle it. You've trained them to be ready for battle with and without you. You can trust them while you doze off to sleep." Hijikata knew that Shinpachi was trying to persuade him with his soft, sweet, hypnotic voice, but it was working. He felt himself dozing off into a sleep stage in his mind he hadn't felt in a while. "Tomorrow will be a new day. It will be your day to relax."

 _I could feel Hijikata-san slipping away from me when his breathing softened, and his body became slack on my lap. I am aware that I may have broken a lot of rules by doing this, but I was worried._ I believed that Hijikata-san haven't slept well for almost a week or more, so for him to fall asleep so peacefully last night gave me relief. I care deeply for him, but I am sure that I am yet to have fallen in love with him. 

It's best that I keep my distance from him for a while now. 

The next day, Sougo appeared at the yorozuya to announce, "I have evidence that you three are responsible for the destruction that happened yesterday." He showed them a video of the stunt pulled at the church and the streets. "But I'm not here to make an arrest. Instead, he'll work for it as community service." He grabbed Shinpachi and dragged him out.

"EEEEEEEH?! WAIT O-OKITA-SAN!" Shinpachi begged as he was being pulled down the stairs. "GIN-SAN! KAGURA-CHAN! HELP!"

"Do your best, Shinpachi!" Gintoki gave him a thumbs up.

"Don't let them win, Shinpachi! Fight with all you got!" Kagura cheered for him as she threw fists and kicks in the air.

Shinpachi growled at them, "WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE BEING PUNISHED?!"

._._._.

A/N: So yeah, Shinpachi will be working for the shinsengumi from now on until we hit the next plot point! Let the romance finally presume!


	6. Guardian dog no

Chapter 6: I will never watch episode 107-108 (Guardian dog arc) ever again. I'm so used to the series making fun of suicide, and for it to take a very serious turn about it made me feel like I was hit from behind, and the reason it happened felt like a kick to my face on the ground.

Hijikata opened his eyes at the sound of his alarm clock. He felt like he wasn't sleeping in his own room for a moment until he remembered last night. He was lying on Shinpachi's lap because he refused to accept a break from the mission.

He sat up as he felt an internal battle inside him of whether he should not drop out of the mission or he should for awhile. He had to admit that he felt energized after such a good sleep that Shinpachi provided for him. He still felt stressed, but the thought of Shinpachi's presence soothed some of his jagged nerves.

"..."

._._._.

"A break?" Kondo was surprised by the request.

Hijikata nodded. It was still morning, and the two were currently meeting alone. "But first I want to tell you thank you for yesterday. Sorry if I didn't seem enthusiastic."

"That's okay! That's okay! At least you enjoyed yourself. It looks like you got a good night's sleep, so I'm glad!"

"Ah..." Hijikata didn't bother explain why he had a good sleep, and instead continued, "The reason that I want to take a break is because the cult obviously planned to drive us crazy with the repetitive messages, and I hate to say it, but it's working. So in order to prevent this from traumatizing me and our men, its best to go into intervals for at least a week. I have my report on my investigation for the next member who will take my place."

"Found him." Sougo entered the room with a terrified Shinpachi wearing a collared leash. "While the shinsengumi was going through the trouble of celebrating Hijikata-san's stupid birthday party, Edo became a mess and there are recordings that prove that the Yorozuya was responsible for all the damages."

"Then why is only Shinpachi-kun here?" inquired Kondo.

"Aah, arresting the Yorozuya again was boring, so I decided to take one of them as our slave."

Hijikata scolded, "Don't go deciding something like that! We aren't human traffickers!"

"But this is good. You have a new assistant, Hijikata-san. I don't have any use for him, so he's all yours. Happy birthday."

Shinpachi panicked, and Hijikata yelled, "I don't want a slave for a birthday gift!"

Kondo wasn't sure of how to handle the whole ordeal, but he figured having Shinpachi work off the tax money was probably a good idea! Plus... "Good job, Sougo."

"Don't praise him!" Hijikata berated!

"Mah, mah, Toshi, Shinpachi can prove to be a valuable asset to the shinsengumi." He smiled at the disturbed megane, "Neh, Shinpachi. Once you see how well you fit with the shinsengumi, you'll finally consider taking over my position as chief when I retire."

"No way in hell." Shinpachi deadpanned. His words trying to stab Kondo, but the idiot remained oblivious to them.

"Alright! Toshi, I'll leave it to you to show my brother-in-law around since you're free now!"

"Don't call me your brother-in-law!" Shinpachi yelled, but the gorilla and the sadist left.

With the two of them alone together, Hijikata found this to be a good opportunity to talk. "Are you alright Shinpachi?"

The megane removed the collar and replied, "Yeah. It's so sudden, but yesterday was a huge mess. I heard over the news that the rampage that my sister and the others caused made it look like a giant amanto attacked our city. Ah, but what I really want to say is that I'm really glad that you took my advice after all, Hijikata-san. I'm so relieved. Did you sleep well last night?"

He gave a positive, "Aah." He started to feel a bit embarrassed because he remembered how Shinpachi called him a child last night. He quickly smothered the memory, and refocused himself to his duty. "I am sure that Kondou-san can assign one of the shinsengumi members to lead and analyze the leads we will gather over the missiles cult, so in the mean time, I'll give you a run down over parts of the shinsengumi that you don't know about, and then give you your schedule and a list of the Kyokuchuu Hatto. It's important that you have those memorized before you can even think of working here."

Shinpachi dutifully nodded. "Yes. Thank you Hijikata-san."

So the older samurai gave Shinpachi a tour of the shinsengumi building, while also giving information and instructions of what should happen at certain areas. After that, he had to attend to his vice chief duties.

"You can go home for the day. The only thing you have to do for now is remember everything I've told you and study our regulations, and the shinsengumi creed. I expect you at the morning meeting at 8 sharp. If you're late, you'll be made to commit seppuku. Do I make myself clear."

"Yes!" Shinpachi replied energetically. "Thank you very much, Hijikata-san. I'll do my best."

"Eh? You're leaving?" Sougo suddenly appeared with his aloofness. "But we have a room prepared for you."

"What?" Shinpachi was confused. What room?!

"You're working for the shinsengumi now, which means you live here now." The red-eyed samurai replied. "I had our men send the stuff you'll need over here, and we've convinced your sister to allow this, so she doesn't go rampant."

Shinpachi felt his reality shatter.

 _Dear Diary #106_

 _HELP MEEEEEE! I can't stay in the shinsengumi 24/7! Not when I have feelings for Hijikata-san! If he finds out, I don't want to be rejected when I haven't tried to move on on my own! It could ruin our friendship! I tried to call out to my sister, Gin-san and Kagura-chan, HELL EVEN SADAHARU, to save me! But they didn't want to take responsibility for the damages that were caused! Those traitors!_

 _But what did I expect. All I have to do now is try to_

"What are you writing?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Shinpachi screamed! He was currently sleeping in the room given to him. It was a bit smaller than his room back at his house, and since he only had what he needed like his clothes, toothbrush, hygiene, and other necessities along with this new book, his room was bland, too. He really missed his Otsu-chan posters! But at least Hijikata-san allowed him day offs or half days on the days that a concert or his usual imperial meeting took place.

But other than that, why was this demonic sadist here?!

Sougo told him, "I only came in to tell you that Hijikata-san gets up at six in the morning to take a shower at the shinsengumi locker room."

Shinpachi waited for an explanation of why he had to know this, but the light haired brunet just stared at him. He nervously stuttered, "Wh-why are you te-telling me this?" The older man couldn't...

Sougo grinned as if his face would become a cheshire cat's own. "Good night..." he leaned forward with a leer. "Shin-chan." The use of that affectionate nickname made the megane shiver in complete, utter fear. He wasn't going to sleep tonight.

._._._.

"AAAH!" Shinpachi sprung up after having a nightmare of Sougo sneaking into his room again, but this time to do unspeakable things to him! He knew that the sadist should be a trusted ally, but after two years of witnessing his sadism from afar, he was terrified that he became a target!

The eighteen-year-old groaned when he could feel his cold sweat sticking to his clothes. He needed a shower. Shinpachi looked at the clock to see that it was five in the morning. Sougo told him that Hijikata would shower at six, so he should be safe to take a shower now. There was no regulation that he couldn't.

So he made his way there, and looked around the locker room to make sure no one was there. The place was clear, so he stripped himself of his clothing.

Unknown to him, Hijikata was entering the locker room, and appeared just in time to see Shinpachi start stripping. The officer was used to seeing a man strip, and would think nothing of it, but this was Shinpachi's body. He took a moment to look at the scars that littered the young man's back and sides. While he did so, he took off his own clothes.

He took off his jacket and unbuttoned his shirt first to free his upper body. Despite all that fat he consumed daily, his torso was muscular and was littered with its own scars that was far more extensive than Shinpachi's own. He stopped at his belt buckle when Shinpachi took off his pants, exposing his round behind.

The teen had a toned body compared to his built one. His athletic build was similar to Yamazaki's, but he body was fuller in some areas...definitely for his bottom half.

Shinpachi felt eyes inspecting him. He thought that Sougo was lurking in the locker room ready to humiliate him, but he was too scared to look behind him. However, he began feeling like those eyes were more concentrated on his bottom half. He...He knew that he had quite the body now, but he always preferred to be modest. Now that he's exposed like this, he began wondering if there were any homos or bisexuals in the shinsengumi. He wondered if he was going to get jumped! It was a terrible thing to think, but after reading all those mangas, he began to feel a bit paranoid being in a room full of men!

He can fend for himself, but he rather not have the scandal. So he found the resolution to look behind him to prevent it.

He then made eye contact with a half naked Hijikata-san who was staring at hi...The man's eyes looked up to meet Shinpachi's eyes. The two silently stared at each other. "..."

Shinpachi snapped his head back. _"IT'S HIJIKATA-SAAAAAAAN! WHY IS HE HERE?! HE SHOULDN'T BE HERE! IT NOT SIX YET! AND I'M NAKED! WAS HE GIVING THE HEAD-TO-TOE LOOK! HE SEEMED DISAPPOINTED! AM I HIDEOUS?! I FEEL SO ASHAMED! I BET HE'S THINKING MY BUTT LOOK LIKE PANCAKES! IT'S THE SHIMURA GENES! ANUE-E AND I ARE CURSED TO BE TOOTHPICKS! CURSE YOU KAMI-SAMA!"_

While he was screaming in his head, Hijikata was having an internal panic of his own. _"DID HE CATCH ME STARING AT HIS BUTT! HEY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! IT JUST SO HAPPENED THAT YOUR BUTT IS A LOT MORE PLUMP THAN ANY GUY'S ASS I'VE EVER SEEN! NOT THAT I STARE AT OTHER GUYS' ASSES BUT YOURS WAS A DEFINITE SURPRISE! I CAN'T TELL HIM THAT! IT WOULD MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A WEIRDO! HEY SHINPACHI! DON'T MAKE THIS ANY MORE WEIRD THAN IT ALREADY IS!"_

Shinpachi then realized, _"This is a good time to test my feelings for Hijikata-san! I only imagined the two of us doing it, but like the manga taught me that if I stare at his body, and feel no desire to jump him immediately, then I am not interested in him! But I'm still bisexual! So here we go!"_ Shinpachi looked at Hijikata-san again who was entirely naked this time. In Shinpachi eyes, his built body was covered in sparkles, and what was in between his legs was- _"OH NO! HE'S HOOOOT!"_ Shinpachi covered his interested little buddy. He made it go flaccid by thinking about Catherine and Otose being magical girls. That worked too well.

But for Hijikata, that sudden shy glance at him did make things weirder! _"OOOOOI! I SAID NOT TO MAKE THINGS WEIRDER! FIX THIS! FIX IT NOW! IF I SAY ANYTHING, IT MAY COME OUT WRONG! SO SAY SOMETHING NOW!"_

As if Shinpachi could hear him, he nervously asked, "Hi-Hiji-I mean vice chief." he was a shinsengumi member now. "What are you doing here now? Okita-san told me that you didn't shower until six o'clock."

That was a good question. Feeling the awkwardness disappear, he coolly replied, "I couldn't sleep."

That worried the megane. He fully turned around to look at Hijikata-san with a concerned expression. "Is it because of the cult case?"

Hijikata hesitated to reply. He didn't want to say that it was because he craved for Shinpachi to put him to sleep again, and that he was worried about how he was doing. The shinsengumi wasn't the yorozuya, and the teen never showed interest in joining. He was sure that Shinpachi could handle it, but he couldn't help worrying.

So instead he replied, "Yeah. It's my first night to not look forward to hearing that annoying message, but I'll be fine."

That was understandable. "That's good to hear. I couldn't sleep because it's my first time to sleep here where Okita-san practically lives. He bought me here, and I can't help thinking that he has something planned for me."

"You have nothing to worry about. The only person Sougo kids around with is me."

 _"You say kidding, I'm thinking executing."_ Shinpachi always wondered how Hijikata could consider the sadists antics to be child play between them.

"Anyway, we're here to wash up right. Not chatter." The vice chief pointed out.

"Ah, yeah. Do you want me to help you wash your back?" Shinpachi suggested without being a pervert. It was common courtesy to give that suggestion!

"Sure."

The two of them went into the shower room, and it was silent throughout the whole ordeal. Shinpachi tried not to think at all when he washed the vice chief's back, and tried not to make a single sound when the man gave back the favor.

When that was over, the two decided to get breakfast together.

"But what about the schedule? Breakfast isn't until seven." Shinpachi pointed out while they headed to the mess hall to make their own breakfast.

"The division responsible to make breakfast should be up at six-thirty and preparing the meals, and then they are allowed to get ready for breakfast while the other division responsible for serving the meals take over. That's why I wake up at six. I make sure they do their duty."

"That's very diligent of you hiji-I mean vice chief. It's to be expected from a man like you." Shinpachi complimented honestly.

"You can call me, Hijikata if ya want. Don't take it as special treatment. It's just weird to hear you call me vice chief. Everyone else in the shinsengumi should be aware of the type of relationship we have, so they won't make a fuss over it."

Shinpachi was relieved to hear that. Calling Hijikata-san, "vice chief" was weird for him, too. "Alright."

They reached the mess hall, and found that the division was making the breakfast. They took their trays, and took their seats facing each other.

"So have you figured out what you're interested in?" Hijikata decided to ask.

"Huh? Oh, are you talking about my sexuality? If it is, then I did. It turns out that I really am bisexual after all. But I am more heterosexual leaning which means that I am more interested in girls than guys."

"Huh. How did you figure out?"

"Uh..." Shinpachi couldn't tell him that it was because of him and his sexiness.

Hijikata quickly assumed by that hesitation, **_"Don't tell me that it was the red head shit."_**

"No! I-I figured out by...a naughty dream." Shinpachi blushed bright red. He was such a prude!

Hijikata felt a bit spectacle about that, but it wasn't his business. He didn't understand this whole sexuality mess, and preferred to keep his foot out of it. But his mouth slipped, "With who?"

Shinpachi's face reached a whole new shade of red. "I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT!"

"DON'T SHOUT!"

"SORRY!"

"YOU'RE STILL SHOUTING!"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE SHOUTING!"

"WELL IF YOU STOP SHOUTING! I'LL STOP SHOUTING!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

The softly glared at each other. "..."

Hijikata decided to lighten up the atmosphere with a joke. He always felt his jokes were stupid because Kondo and Sougo gave him pitiful looks when he tried, but he figured that Shinpachi could be different. "So when you find a guy instead of girl, you plan to wear a wedding dress to your wedding."

"A-as if! I only wore that wedding dress because Otsu-chan asked me to!"

"Then if she asked you to wear a wedding dress to your own wedding, you would?"

"Ugh!" The teen diverted his eyes from the man shyly. He honestly replied, "...Maybe."

Hijikata felt his milk almost squirt out of his nose.

"Shu-Shut up! There's nothing wrong with wearing a wedding dress!"

"In the age we're living in, I guess there isn't." Hijikata felt himself smile a little, but hid it by drinking his cup of milk. Shinpachi for a moment thought he saw that smile, but that would be weird. Hijikata-san barely ever smiled in a none creepy way. He was mostly all work and and barely any play.

They continued eating their breakfast while Hijikata questioned Shinpachi of how his study came along, and to reassure him that if he needed anything, to come to him.

Then the morning routine happened. Everyone else began filing in to have breakfast after getting showered and dressed. Shinpachi arrived at the meeting room with Hijikata and knelled at his place. They waited in silence while everyone else filed in. Once everyone was present, they began with discussing about the progress with the missiles cult case, other various problems, and future events and meetings that the the shinsengumi will take part in.

After that, Shinpachi was greeted by Tetsunosuke Sasaki aka cherry boy or Hijikata's assistant. "It's good to see you again Shinpachi!" The older male told him happily and held his hands in his. The two weren't close, but now that they have the same position, they can be on good terms. "Vice chief had told me that you will be working with me until your community service is over! I look forward to working with you!"

"Ah, me too, Tetsu-san! Please take care of me from now on!"

The cherry boy then informed him about everything they were going to do today. Everything went smoothly then Shinpachi thought it would. Tetsu took on the job to get the tools Hijikata needed for his work while Shinpachi organized his paper work, and sent them to the proper rooms to be stored, or have them sent to the correct location.

While he worked, he wondered how everyone was doing without him. He wondered if Gin-san and Kagura got a job that led to a crazy adventure. He wondered if his sister was having fun with Kyubei or beating up Kondo since he seemed to be nowhere around.

He wanted to see them, but as far as he was aware, he had to remain within the shinsengumi headquarters to do his work.

He was informed that he had the same salary as Tetsu, and if he worked long hours, he was most likely to leave...

"Six months?!" Shinpachi jaw dropped when Hijikata told him that while the man was signing papers late at night.

"It's to pay for the taxes put into the destruction of the city and the bill to bail out your friends and sister from going to jail. Except for the ninja chick (Sarutobi) of course." The older samurai explained.

The megane wasn't sure if he could last that long! Maybe he could if he didn't have a crush on Hijikata-san! The pain on his chest was dull since he had hope that he could outlast at least two months, but now that it's half a year, he won't be free until early November! He wasn't sure if his heart could suffocate the pain.

He couldn't help pulling a sad face at the revelation. Hijikata noticed, and tried to cheer him up, "It won't be that bad. You have your day offs and you can still go to all those concerts with your friends. You also have free three meals here, but if you want to gain a bit more cash to buy the stuff you want, then maybe I can pay you. It won't be much, but-"

"It's alright Hijikata-san!" Shinpachi had to make him stop. This kindness...this special attention...it's like a jackhammer breaking through his concrete chest. "Thank you, but I am fine. This is the last of your papers right? I'll have them checked, and then file it away before going to bed." He took the papers, and tried not to look like he was trying to escape from the room.

Tetsu had been present throughout the conversation. He was worried. "Shinpachi seems to hate it here, Vice chief. Perhaps we should have the others do community service to lessen his time here."

"...It's alright, Tetsu. Getting the others to do community work will only cause more disasters to pay for, and his older sister is already busy with her own job to take care of herself and the dojo without her brother. Shinpachi probably knows that too, which is why he didn't suggest it."

"I see...Then may I ask of why he hates it here?"

Hijikata blew his smoke. His eyes closed as he replied, "I don't know whether he hates being here because he doesn't feel suited for our line of work, or because he despises Kondou-san for trying to win his favor just to get with his sister. Someone has to pay the price for the damages caused, so it doesn't really matter. He just has to learn to live here for the mean time."

._._._.

For the next day, Shinpachi did his best to avoid Hijikata-san by taking a shower at the same time as the others. He did feel a bit self conscious in there since he felt eyes were on him. Nobody else in the shinsengumi was aware of his sexuality, and he was used to seeing naked men, so he didn't feel embarrassed for seeing them.

When he reached the mess hall, he sat with Yamazaki. "Hey Yamazaki-san! Good morning!"

"Ah, Shinpachi! Good morning! How was your first day yesterday?"

"It was good. A lot of paper work that I'm not used to at all since Gin-san never bothered with the stuff, but work is work!"

"I hear ya. But it must be better than sitting around all day staring at people's own lives go by."

"Sounds terrible, but the fact that you can do something like that for a long period of time is admirable. As always you're really awesome, Yamazaki-san." Shinpachi honestly complimented him.

The spy grinned shyly since he's not used to such praise, even from Shinpachi who does it easily. "Mah, mah, Shinpachi you shouldn't be that friendly here in the shinsengumi. To be honest, I'm a little worried for you."

The megane blinked. "Eh? Why?"

"Well," Yamazaki first looked around to make sure no one was eavesdropping, and then had Shinpachi lean his ear in. He had his hand cover both sides of his lips before whispering, "I overheard some of the guys yesterday and this morning talking about you. It seems that they took notice of you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Shinpachi whispered.

"Uhm, well it means that...you were rather popular in the locker room."

"E-!" Yamazaki covered his mouth from screaming! Once the teen calmed down, he continued to whisper, "It's just a warning! Of course, they won't attack you in the locker room, but the shinsengumi actually has some men interested in other men. I'm only telling you, so if one of them ask you out for a drink or confesses, you can be prepared!"

"But isn't dating other officers in the shinsengumi prohibited."

"It is, but it doesn't stop one night stands."

"Why do you know so much about this!"

"Everyone in the shinsengumi knows about this! I just don't pay any mind to it! But after hearing what I did, I figured I should give you the heads up!"

Yamazaki pulled away. The two stared at each other. Yamazaki just want to see if Shinpachi could process the information. The megane was freaked out! If he was straight, he wouldn't have minded, but he's bisexual, and what if he doesn't make the right decision! What if he's swayed by the flow of events and ends up at a love hotel room with one of them! He's a man! He can't control these urges if they come at the full moon!

"Uhm," He leaned forward with a gesture that he was going to whisper. Yamazaki leaned forward. "I'm actually bisexual."

The spy's eyes grew wide as saucers. He leaned back and stared at the blushing Shinpachi. "You're serious?" A nod. "When?"

"Last week."

"Really?"

"This sort of discovery does happen out of the blue, and now that I'm here, I'm worried of what this new discovery could do to me."

"I see...Well, if anyone is giving you trouble, you can always come for me for advice. I've been here since the beginning, and a lot of things had happened, so I can be a reliable source." The man said awkwardly since this was an awkward moment, but his words were sincere.

Shinpachi was glad. He had an ally in this. And perhaps maybe... "Uhm, Yamazaki-san, I also want to tell you something, but it needs to be discussed in private."

"Private?"

Shinpachi nodded.

"Ah, well, I have a woman I have to spy on today. Hijikata-san usually comes over to check up on me. When he decides to, you can tell him that you want to be the one. He trusts you, so he will let you. We can discuss whatever you want over there."

"But I don't want to bother your work."

"It's alright. I can talk and spy at the same time. It's one of my many talents."

Hearing that, Shinpachi gave him an appreciative, kind smile. "Thank you, Yamazaki-san."

"It's no problem."

They then moved on to talk about other things while Sougo had been staring at them from afar with his earphones on. He found their strange behavior amusing enough to report back to Hijikata, so he made his way to the meeting room.

The vice chief was surprised to see him come in so early. "Sougo, did something happen?"

"I just wanted to tell you that Shinpachi and Yamazaki were whispering to each other at the cafeteria."

That was weird. "And why are you telling me this?"

The red-eyes samurai shrugged his shoulders, and said, "Those two always see each other outside of work to talk. I wonder what a bunch of boring, plain guys have to talk about." He took his seat. "Ah, but Shinpachi isn't so plain anymore. He was quite the show in the locker room earlier."

"WHAT?!" Hijikata was extremely concerned! He imagined that Shinpachi may have been flaunting his body in the locker room! But that was so unlike him! Or maybe he got into some playful chatter with them that led to some physical playing!

"We have guys here in the shinsengumi plenty of times, but they all look like background characters. Shinpachi isn't a background character some of the time, so he must've caught a few of the shinsengumi's homos' eyes. Who doesn't love to touch someone who isn't a background character sometimes."

Hijikata couldn't say another word. Instead he quickly added another reminder needed to be addressed in his speech.

When the meeting began, the officers were terrified of him, except for Sougo of course. They listened to what was being addressed with all their might as if their lives depended on it! Shinpachi was really worried of what could've sparked this animosity!

 ** _"There's also something else I like to remind you bastards. Kyokuchuu Hatto, regulation 36: Dating within the shinsengumi is strongly prohibited. The price will not be seppuku, but after hearing something rather interesting earlier, I'm considering changing that rule. Do I make myself clear?"_**

"YES VICE CHIEF!"

Everyone dispersed to their own duties after that. Kondo held Hijikata back to talk to him. "Hey Toshi, what was that all about?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean about possibly changing the punishment for violating regulation 36. Did something happen to one of our men?" The chief inquired worriedly.

His kindness making Hijikata glad that he's the chief. He replied, "No, but we have new men in our ranks, and the rapid change in culture of what's acceptable and not is something to take seriously. I don't want any of them to think that they can be reckless with their hormones within our property."

"But you know Toshi that you can't prevent what they do outside of work. In this day and age when men can soon no longer have to be ashamed of the flame they feel for another, it's a roaring flame that can't be prevented even by your threats."

"...What are you trying to say Kondo-san?"

"Just that maybe you should give that regulation a change! Like you said, culture is changing, so we should adapt to it!" Kondo let out a hearty laugh since he found the situation funny for some reason.

._._._.

Later that day, Hijikata-san was ready to go out to check on Yamazaki. Shinpachi took the opportunity. "I can do that!"

"Eh?" Hijikata felt a small, animated sweat bead on his face. "Why do you want to see Yamazaki all of the sudden."

"Ah, I actually have something I need to tell him right now. It's important, but I'll understand if you need me here." Shinpachi gave him a sweet, considerate smile that pulled at men's heart strings.

Hijikata fell victim to that smile. "Alright, but you better be here within an hour. Make sure no one spots you visiting him."

"Thank you very much, Hijikata-san! I promise to be back soon!"

The yorozuya male went on his way quickly. Tetsu was present for the entire exchange. "Uh...vice chief. You're really nice to him."

The demon vice chief heard those words as a threat to his power, so he growled with a demonic glare, "What do you mean?"

The poor assistant felt terrified, but he honestly answered, "Well, it's his second day, and you are really gentle."

"Gentle?" That threw the man off.

"I mean...how do I put this...I understand that his position here is not permanent, and the two of you are friends, but nothing about that warrants you to treat him any different from your other officers. Or have you always been this gentle to him? I'm sorry if I said too much."

Hijikata was silent. Was he being gentle with Shinpachi? He was worried for the young man since the sudden change in lifestyle happened, but would he act the way he did with someone else?

._._._.

Shinpachi hurriedly, but also sneakily slipped into the room that Yamazaki was using to spy on his target. "Yamazaki, I'm here." Shinpachi said softly since the walls were thin.

The spy didn't look away from the window gap that he was peaking through. "Ah, Shinpachi! You got vice chief to let you go! So what is it that you wanted to tell me?"

"Are you sure?" He asked, though he was taking a seat on the futon. "I don't want to ruin your focus."

"Don't mock me. I can multitask! It's one of my many skills!"

"Okay..." Shinpachi was glad that Yamazaki was facing away from him because it made things so much easier, so he spit it out, "I'm falling for Hijikata-san."

"WHAT?!" Yamazaki looked away from the window.

"DON'T LOOK THIS WAY!" Shinpachi yelled back at him.

Yamazaki whipped back to the window. It was a good thing that both rooms beside him were empty at the moment. "A-Are you sure yo-you're not confused..." That was a rude question to ask, but this was the vice chief they were talking about! I mean that guy is a good guy, but still, he's a ruffian beast compared to the well-mannered Shinpachi!

It's like beauty and the beast, but the beast actually kills and harm people on a regular basis instead of just roar at people! And the beauty...well, Shinpachi has his faults, but it's not that bad compared to the people he works with.

Shinpachi helplessly replied, "I know I'm not, but I wish I was because I know that the longer I stay at Hijikata-san's side, I will be swallowed by my feelings for him. I know that I shouldn't fall for him. He doesn't believe in love, and I don't want to convince him to believe because love is a lot like a samurai's bushido. You cannot give a samurai their bushido. They have to find and believe in it by themselves."

"...How are you so sure that you've fallen for him? I-If you don't mind me asking that is..."

Shinpachi hugged his legs. He felt embarrassed by this whole thing, but he still confessed, "I know the difference between attraction and love. I've been attracted to many girls since Gin-san seems to attract many beautiful ones, but my feelings were nothing more but a mere infatuation, but my feelings for Hijikata-san is consistent like a flower petal not blown by the storm. I want to reject them, but it's becoming painful."

"...Well, feelings take time to develop, and when you're hooked, you're hooked." The spy said from experience. "But it's not all that bad in my opinion. It is painful when you-Oh who am I kidding?! Tama-chan! It's been two years and we're still not together! Why have the anpan gods forsaken me! I mean we see each other every now and then, but either way is painful! Shinpachi, you're screwed!"

"I didn't come here for that kind of confidence!" Shinpachi scolded him! And then calmed down to get to the point. "Then you understand what I'm going through. I am happy to be Hijikata-san's assistant, but right now I want to stop myself from falling in love with him. Normally we wouldn't see each other for more than a few hours every now and then, but now that its turned 24/7 for almost six months, I don't know what will happen to me. Maybe these feelings will fade, but I don't want to take that chance. I was hoping that you could help me."

Yamazaki decided to help. Shinpachi was young after all. When he was his age, he didn't think about love. Knowing now of what love could do to him, he was truly grateful that he didn't fall in love when he was younger. Also this was HIJIKATA they were talking about. They could make a pretty decent couple, but if things get messy, it could ruin the relative peace between the yorozuya and the shinsengumi.

"Ah," He popped an idea! "You can join the team in charge of the missiles cult investigation!"

"Eh? But I'm not a detective."

"It's alright. The team needs members for additional uses other than solving the case such as providing them with refreshments or go out to find more leads during patrols. Vice chief assigned himself to take over it from the person placed in charge. I'm not sure how long this case will last, but at least your time with vice chief will be minimized. How about it?"

"That could work! I knew I could count on you, Yamazaki-san! Thank you! Well, I should report back to Hijikata-san, and then ask Kondou-san if I can join the team on the case!"

"Go for it!" Yamazaki cheered him up as he left!

Shinpachi quickly made it back to base to give his report to the man he was in love with. He entered his office with a bright smile that distracted both the officer and his assistant.

"Shinpachi, what happened between you and Yamazaki?"

"What do you mean? I only talked with him, and then made my way here."

Tetsu explained, "It's just that you seem happier than you were earlier."

Shinpachi lightly blushed. It was a little embarrassing to show his emotion so expressively when he's holding a secret. That blush only gave the two men in the room the wrong idea, but the teen swore, "That's because Yamazaki-san told me a joke that only us plain guys would understand! He's stationed at the room you directed, and he has his eyes one the target. Everything is calm for the time being. Is there anything else that you would like me to do?"

"No-I mean," Hijikata thought on Tetsu's words. He can't be gentle with Shinpachi. He didn't want any of his officers thinking he was favoring him, so he gave the megane a round of orders to have papers filed, to buy his usual pack of cigarettes and bottles of mayonnaise, and to do other menial tasks.

For a week, Shinpachi did them diligently with great dexterity. He hadn't been able to ask to get into the missiles cult due to the piling work that Hijikata poured on him without mercy. Tetsu felt worried, but Shinpachi was fine with it. Especially since the work actually kept him busy from having deeper feelings for the vice chief.

Plus, Hijikata would become busy with the missiles case for a week.

Shinpachi also hadn't seen Yamazaki at all that week, but he had gotten to know a few of the other shinsengumi officers while he worked.

Though behind his back, the officers gossiped, "That Shinpachi guy is pretty handy. Hard to believe he's from the yorozuya. Aren't those guys supposed to be troublesome?"

"You wouldn't know. You're a newbie. The yorozuya are the ones who has a habit of creating chaos around Edo, and getting our Commander and Vice Chief, and even Captain Okita mixed up in it. It's not surprised that someone happens to be handy if they wanted to function properly."

"Isn't his name in one of the regulations? It think it was the very last one where we can treat the others badly except for him since he's the little brother of the woman Commander's still all over."

"Seriously? Then the commander has good taste! I bet she would make a good wife!" A newbie said which got him grimaces and traumatized expressions.

One of them cautiously said, "She's the best choice for Commander." The other experienced officers nodded curtly.

"One thing is for sure is that she's a beauty." One of them said for sure. "And we can see that that the apples fell from the same tree."

"He used to be pretty plain. I mean, he's still plain, but something about him is attractive."

"Yeah..." The officers spy on Shinpachi who was walking across the hallways. The officer had no feminine or masculine beauty. He was simply a beauty to be acknowledged.

"Y'know, he's really boring when you don't associate him with the other people in his life." One of them commented. The others agreed.

"But what about when he's drunk? He's off tomorrow right?"

The officers looked at each other, and jumped at the opportunity "Hey Shimura!" They called him by his last name as they crowded behind him. Shinpachi thought his glasses was foggy because he felt like a body of five or six heads were talking to him. "Wanna get a drink? Tomorrow's your day off right?"

Not the type to deny when he has nothing else to do, he awkwardly replied, "Uhm, sure."

"Great! We'll be waiting for you when you're off!"

"O-okay. See you later then." He gave them a quick, kind smile before heading off to his duties.

._._._.

Hijikata inhaled his last cigarette for the day while Tetsu was preparing to leave. He felt uneasy for some reason until he realized that Shinpachi was no longer around. "Oi, Tetsu. Where's Shinpachi?"

"He left to drink with the other officers tonight. You were taking a long time at the lavatory," That was because the toilet seat was covered in itching powder by a certain someone! "So I told him it was okay to leave since our work was done for the day. He said that he'll be back as soon as he can, but I told him to go have fun. It's nice to see that he's liking it here."

Hijikata was glad for that, too, but for some reason he also felt disappointed. He hadn't felt this disappointed since he thought that Shinpachi's type was a bland person like Yamazaki.

For the rest of the night, he lied on his bed with his eyes opened, wallowing in the feeling of disappointment. He tried to think his way out of the feeling, but before he knew it, hours had passed.

Pissed, he decided to take a walk around the building. To his surprise, he found a stumbling, hiccuping Shinpachi.

"Shinpachi, what are you doing here?"

"Hi-Hijikata-san?" The drunk megane looked at him with a dazed, flushed face. "Good -hiccup- evening. I was trying to get to the kitchen. Wa -hiccup- ter."

The older samurai sighed. He pulled the smaller teen to his side to hold onto as they walked to the kitchen. There, Shinpachi drank a lot of water, and ate a little before he was helped to his bed.

Since the futon was low, Hijikata placed a strong hand behind the teen's head and a secured arm around his body as he lied his body down. Shinpachi felt like he was being lied on a cloud by a pair of strong, gentle arms. When the gentle strength disappeared, Shinpachi yearned for them. He asked the man to keep him close, "Are you this gentle with Okita-san and Kondou-san when they're drunk?"

Hijikata looked down at the drunk male. He remembered Tetsu's opinion on his treatment with the younger man, but that memory wasn't working right now. There didn't have to be a distance. Before he knew it, his hand moved without his permission to caress the heated cheek. Shinpachi snuggled into that hand with a feeling of cherished, content in his chest.

The older man found this to be a perfect opportunity to ease this confusing disappointment swirling inside his body. He asked, "Shinpachi...Are you interested in Yamazaki?"

"Yamazaki?" Shinpachi knew that he should feel confusion, but his emotions had run off somewhere. He did his best to answer, "No. We're just friends. I love someone else."

"You love someone else?" This didn't please the older man. "Who?"

Shinpachi replied with a lazy smile, "He's here."

"Here? In the shinsengumi?"

Shinpachi nodded, and then fell asleep, leaving Hjikata in a state of deeper confusion. He no longer felt disappointment, but he was now feeling really angry and suspicious at the moment. Shinpachi was in love with one of his men. Who was it?

._._._.

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! I'm glad you guys are enjoying the fic! Right now I'm in college, so I'm going to be busy, but I'll try to update whenever I can!

Hijikata can't help being gentle with Shinpachi cuz it just comes natural to him when its just the two of them, and they aren't carried away by other people's antics.

You can't deny the gentle force within you Hijikata. *Whispers* _You can't._


	7. college reading

Chapter 7: It takes a lot of reading to get through college.

Shinpachi enjoyed his day off with his sister and Kagura. Gintoki was playing pachinko like usual, but they all ate meals together.

The yorozuya only got one job while Shinpachi was away, and it was handled well! Kagura practically bragged about it! Shinpachi was glad to hear that, but then he was told by his sister that the idiots forgot to get the money they were promised afterwards since they thought that the other person would get it. They didn't realize it until days later.

The megane felt both sorry, somewhat surprised, and happy to be reminded that he was meaningful to the team. He also figured that the two could learn something from that experience. He did miss the menial labor and outrageous jobs they would have, but he reassured them that the shinsegumi was treating him well. He told them that he was surprised by how it wasn't so hectic being there.

While he said that, the shinsengumi was tensed. Everyone, except for Sougo, was avoiding their vice chief or keeping their distance from him while cautiously speaking as if a single wrong word could lead them to death. They spoke really, really quietly about what could be bothering their vice chief. A majority of them taught that it was because of the missiles case, and that someone could be a traitor because their vice chief seemed heavily suspicious of all of them.

Hijikata's eyes were sharp and judging when they laid on anyone, except for Kondou.

This opened a chance for the chief to privately inquire, "Toshi, did something happen yesterday?"

 **"No. Why do you ask?"** Hijikata said while his dark aura polluting the atmosphere, and his eyes slicing the air.

Kondo felt like he should be ducking for cover, despite not being the target for those deadly strikes. He pushed himself to ask, "I-It's because you're...how do I put it...You seem more stressed than before."

"Really? I feel perfectly fine." The man said calmly, but behind him were the words, **"I will kill those who bitch."**

Kondo decided to not bother questioning anymore since it seemed like his long time friend wasn't going to fess up. So he said, "Alright, but Toshi, if something is bothering you, you know that I'm always willing to listen. Also, please remember that you are the vice chief of the shinsengumi. You are a role model for these men, and I know that you are the type to not grow overly attached to others, or have others become too attached to you, but if your men feel further detached from you, it will make them feel like they lost their place in the shinsengumi."

Hijikata knew that he was being scolded, and he understood that he deserved it. He tried not to be more demonic than usual, but he couldn't help it. Shinpachi was in love with someone in the shinsengumi! He won't allow it. He definitely won't allow it.

After he reassured Kondo that he would fix his attitude, he left to check on Yamazaki. The one he knew he could squeeze information out of.

He went over to the spy's designated location. He opened the door, and to no one's surprise, the floor was littered by anpan bags, and the spy was sitting in front of a slightly opened window like a statue. Without even looking over his shoulder, Yamazaki said with a wilting voice, "Aah, Vice chief, on time like usual. Nothing has happened yet. It's only the usual."

The v-shaped bangs man sucked in the airy taste of his mayo-tobacco and blew its stench into the air. "Yamazaki, you and Shinpachi have been close because of your familiar roles of being the plain guys respectively in our groups, so it should be no surprise that you two trust each other with secrets that the ones in your respective groups wouldn't know about."

"...If you think that Shinpachi has secrets, then it's obvious that he is, but I know no secrets that could have in arrested." Yamazaki said bluntly. After all his years of eating anpan and going through many psychotic break downs, he had discovered how to find peace. He learned to discard all emotions and pride. Now he was sure that he had become a sage under the anpan gods.

Hijikata said, "I'm not asking for any question like that. Right now, I am going to ask you a question that can only be between us. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes vice chief."

"Last night, Shinpachi told me that he was in love with someone in the shinsengumi. Do you know who it is?"

Yamazaki hesitated to answer. He didn't think. It was more like his soul was thinking by itself of what to say while using his brain like a library index. He then replied, "That is something you will have to ask Shinpachi yourself. It is troubling to have an officer fall in love with another officer; we have faced a predicament like that before. However, vice chief, that incident ended for the best. We may have resigned one officer, but both of them still fight in their own way to make Edo a better place together. Shinpachi is only a temporary officer, so no harm, no foul there."

Hijikata was unnerved by his subordinate's wisdom, but he was right. There was nothing to worry about, but the man still felt a stubborn wariness inside him. "Then I'll take my leave then."

"Ah, vice chief..." Yamazaki called out, making the man pause, "I know that you aren't going to ask Shinpachi the question, and even if you do, Shinpachi would most likely avoid answering until he's built up his courage...so the only advice I have for you is get to know yourself better."

That irritated the man. "What's that supposed to mean."

Yamazaki shrugged. "We all change overtime without noticing. Shinpachi is pretty lucky to notice his at such a young again. Haaaah, I'm jealous. Well then, good bye vice chief."

The man wanted to yell at him for acting somewhat all high and mighty with his wisdom, but he knew that it was pointless, so left without another word.

What did HE needed to learn about HIMSELF?

He didn't want to think about it so buried himself in his work.

._._._.

"Did I do something wrong, Tetsu-san?" Shinpachi asked at the cafeteria during lunch. Another week had passed, and Hijikata had spent that week going over the missiles case, but still nothing came up. That was natural since cult cases took more than a few weeks or months to figure out and take down. The megane wasn't surprised that his current boss would be upset, but Hijikata was a little too silent and distant from him. "Hijikata-san seem to be lost in thought which is weird for someone like him."

The assistant replied, "I'm not sure. He's treating me like he usually does, but I definitely noticed him being more distant with you. Can you think of anything that you may have done to upset him?"

"Upset him?" Shinpachi thought back to his interactions with the vice chief, but nothing warrant his treatment. He decided to take a more frontal approach on this matter, but then hesitated on the decision.

 _Dear Diary #107_

 _I will admit that I should be glad that Hijikata-san is paying less attention to me, but the fact that its only me who he's treating this way makes me feel lonely. I know that I should take this as a good sign for me to give up on these growing feelings, but I hate this neglect. Please don't ignore me, Hijikata-san.  
_

At Hijikata's office, the man was stuck in his thoughts. His paper work was done, and the next set won't arrive until after lunch. He was done eating his meal, so he was left to do what he hated the most: thinking about Shinpachi.

He didn't understand of why he felt so infuriated by the thought of the megane. He had gotten himself over the fact that the teen was in love with someone in the shinsengumi. It was none of his business, but he still felt that misplaced anger. Hijikata knew that he would act out in anger, but he didn't have a good reason to snap at Shinpachi, so he tried to leave their communication to a minimum.

Hijikata had checked on Yamazaki earlier to see that the spy was still in his sage mode, and he had advised the man to start a diary of sorts in order to arrange his thoughts. The older man reasoned that if doing paper work can console his mind during a mission, then keeping a diary can console his mind in private.

That was pretty good advice, so he bought a note book to write in, but he was at a lost of what to write first. He thought about introducing himself, but that was stupid. Yet it was a start, so during the rest of his lunch, the man first introduced himself, a little bit about his past, and his current life as a shinsengumi officer. He bothered to mention about a few cases that he found important in his life, and he tried his best not to mention the Yorozuya, but those idiots played a big part in some of his most memorable missions.

Eventually he gave in to write about them.

 **"The Yorozuya is A BUNCH OF NO-GOOD BASTARDS WHO DESERVES TO COMMIT SEPPUKU A HUNDRED TIMES OVER! But they're pretty good guys who can be relied on every now and then when something important comes up. Don't get me wrong. I rather drown than be made to hang out with them for a whole day. Nothing good happens around that silver haired bastard."** Hijikata shivered at the bathroom memory when he was handcuffed to that idiot. **"That Amanto China Girl is not all bad. Sougo has an affinity for her. It's nice to see that he's taken interest in someone who isn't a pet or slave. They have a lot of fun together. It would be nice if they were married, but there's no way I want to tied to that silver haired bastard any closer than we shouldn't be. Shinpachi**

Hijikata paused on his writing. He's been able to write fluidly without hesitation, but now, he's completely stomped. What did he think of Shinpachi? What was Shinpachi to him before he told Hijikata that secret that the megane didn't know he let out?

He is a good friend?

That didn't feel right.

He respected him as a fellow samurai.

That sounded better, but they're more than just fellow samurais to each other. What were the right words?

What was Shinpachi to him?

"Hijikata-san?" A familiar voice interrupted his thoughts. The demon vice chief looked to the voice to see Shinpachi standing there in his shinsengumi uniform. Again, his eyes and lips were nothing special, but together they created a portrait of beauty of both delicateness and strength. Just like a flower in a storm where its petals are thorn away but its roots remain at place.

Shinpachi is a samurai. Shinpachi is a cherished friend. Shinpachi is a young man with a future still ahead of him. Shinpachi is...in love with another man.

Hijikata felt that infuriating feeling burning in his chest. He put his book away, and went on with business. Shinpachi felt like he was shunned away, but he reasoned that he was overthinking the situation because of his emotions. He stifled his feelings, and the two went on to work.

Though, work was hard to focus on for the both of them. Hijikata just wanted the megane to leave, but not knowing why he wanted that, he simply remained cold and distant from the teen. Shinpachi wanted to question the man's behavior.

Eventually, he found his courage and his chance as Hijikata handed him folders. The older samurai told him, "File these in the storage room."

"Yes...Uhm, Hijikata-san..."

 _I paused at that moment. I felt compelled to confess my pain, but that would be reckless of me, and I should be grateful for this distance. Even though I feel so much pain, I have to persevere for my sake. I can't fall in love with Hijikata-san._

"What?" The man inquired, sounding a bit too harsh.

 **"I didn't know what Shinpachi wanted to ask me, but it looked like my tone may have encouraged him not to. I regretted it. Though a single harsh word shouldn't seem like a big deal, our situation was delicate."**

"It's nothing. I'll get these to the storage room." Shinpachi took the folders, and strode out of the room, trying to not look like he was trying to escape.

 _I ended up being a coward in the end...but I convince myself that I made the right decision. My feelings had to come first. I needed to protect them from a harsher pain that was surely to come if I let the man be friendly with me again. Rule #6 in_ _"10 Ways To Prevent Yourself From Falling in love!" advised me to avoid him and keep my distance. I have to abide by that rule.  
_

Before Shinpachi escaped, Hijikata heard the forced emotionless tone in Shinpachi's voice. He felt a guilt pierce his chest. He called out to the man walking away, "Shinpachi." But the male stepped out the room. "Oi Shinpachi!" The door was closed shut, and the sound of footsteps faded.

 **"I wanted to ease the situation, but no words could form coherently in my mouth. I knew that the best thing to do was apologize for my behavior, but I also cowardly believed that it was best that I apologized at another time. At that moment, I was scared to see Shinpachi's reaction to my apology. I didn't understand why. Dammit."**

Shinpachi did as he was told in the storage room, but he lingered to remain in there since he was alone. He had heard Hijikata calling out to him, but like a child, he ran away from the obvious conversation he wanted to avoid. His chest felt heavy like a bag of oranges or watermelons was crushing his chest. "It shouldn't be this painful." He told himself.

"What shouldn't be so painful?" An unwanted voice inquired.

"AAH! O-Okita-san! I-It's nothing!" Shinpachi planned to escape, but the sadist said with his aloof voice, "It's okay to complain. Hijikata-san is a pain to be around. I could help you get rid of him."

Dark lines was on the poor, terrified teen's face. "Ah no, I-I don't want you to get rid (kill him and bury the evidence) him. I'm only tired." He hoped that his lie passed through. Okita-san's face never showed what he was thinking, so he couldn't tell.

He was deeply surprised when the older samurai offered, "If you're tired of Hijikata-san, then how about you work for me instead."

"Eh?!"

The man explained, "The missiles case is going nowhere, and I figured that someone like you could be useful for once. I will talk to Kondou-san about this, so by next month, you will be mine."

 _"Could you please not say it like that Okita-san. It's more terrifying when you do."_ Shinpachi thought.

"So how about it, Shinpachi?"

I was at a lost of words at first. If I agreed to Okita-san's offer, then I may be entering the devil's lair, but it was a wide opening to actually get on the missiles case and avoid Hijikata-san. I don't want to be ignored anymore. No, more like, I don't want to know that I am being ignored. I needed to get away from Hijikata-san, so I agreed.

"A-aah, yes. Thank you very much, Okita-san."

The sadist turned around to smirk. "Then, I'll see you as my lackey by the end of this month."

"Lackey?!" Shinpachi didn't like the sound of that, but even though he was put into the monster's mouth, he felt relieved.

The two exited the room. Sougo pushed the door a little too strong that it smacked someone's face. "Ah, Hijikata-san. I didn't know your face was a door magnet."

"Who's a door magnet?!" The man yelled with a vicious glare, but the glare disappeared when Shinpachi exited the room. Hijikata didn't suspect anything. He knew that Shinpachi would never be into someone like Sougo.

"Well bye." The 1st division captain left the two straight men alone.

Shinpachi felt a guiltiness pressed on his chest. He felt like what he agreed with Sougo was an act of betrayal.

"Shinpachi..."

"Yes, Hijikata-san?"

"I'm sorry for my tone earlier. It's disgraceful of a vice chief to talk to his subordinate like that."

 _"But you don't seem to be bothered when its Yamazaki, or even Tetsu and the rest of your men most of the time."_ The temporary officer thought, and then felt his heart warm up. Although Hijikata was cruel to ignore only him, he was also the only person who he was willing to apologize for something so small. He stifled that thought and feeling, but he did show his happiness, "Not at all, Hijikata-san. I was the one who acted like an insubordinate. I'm sorry."

"Don't be modest. You've been performing rather well despite only being here for about three weeks compared to the other newbies."

Shinpachi contained his blush after hearing that compliment. He shyly joked, "It must be because I've been thrown in here so many times, that it must come naturally to me. You're practically complimenting a criminal, Hijikata-san." Shinpachi kept his eyes on the floor. His face was burning because he was afraid that he was making a bad expression.

Hijikata smirked at the timid joke, and said, "If you're a criminal, then the whole Shinsengumi are devils. You're more of a tainted angel in the guise of the devil."

 **"WHY THE FUCK DID I SAY THAT?!"**

 _Did Hijikata-san really say that to me?_

Shinpachi made a fake, hopefully not insulting laugh at that. "Hijikata-san, that's really smooth of you. You should reserve that for when you're seeing a pretty lady." He winked playfully.

 _WHY DID I DO THAT?! DON'T WINK! DON'T WINK! There should be a rule in the book that you're not supposed to wink at your crush!_

Hijikata turned sideways to look cool and composed, but inside he was more like, "Don't fuck up. Don't fuck up. Don't fuck up."

"A-ah, yeah. How silly of me." he said and now inside he was like, "SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!"

Both men weren't sure of what to say next without making this awkward!

Shinpachi then said without thinking, "How is Yamazaki-san this time?" That felt like such a safe sentence that both men were relieved and grateful that Yamazaki existed.

Hijikata replied nonchalantly, "He's doing well. He's entered this sage mode now that he's gotten over his psychotic phrase from eating anpan all the time during his stakeouts."

Shinpachi silently sighed in pity. "Yamazaki-san should really watch his health. I bet you've told him many times to the point that it was pointless, but the work of a spy is mysterious in its own way." That felt like a good topic to end a casual conversation. "We should also go back to work."

"Works done for the day. Right now, Tetsu and I are going out on patrol. You can do whatever you like. You can also go visit your sister, but you better be back before dinner."

"Thank you very much, Hijikata-san." Shinpachi gave him an appreciative smile.

The older samurai subconsciously stared at that smile with an unnoticeable intensity in order to burn the image in his mind. He hadn't seen that smile since he got back from attending to the missiles case for a week.

 **"The sight of his smile surprised me for some reason. I've seen it many times I visited him to find Kondou-san, and I've seen it when he began working here. Why was I surprised? Lately, being closer to Shinpachi without the Yorozuya around had been making me bewildered about my emotions."**

 _Hijikata had stopped ignoring me coldly after that talk we had. I was both relieved and happy at first, but my heart was too excited by this. I both regretted the return of this attention, but I did not miss his cold neglect. I needed to escape._

 **"I paid more attention to Shinpachi to figure out these bewildering emotions that he somehow builds inside me and throttle the brain cells in my head. I still despise the fact that he is in love with someone in the shinsengumi. Do I feel this strongly because I feel protective of him? He is a man capable of fending and deciding for himself, but he was still young and new to certain experiences. I do not want him to withhold his attraction, so he may not make the same mistake as I did, but at the same time, I don't want him to be sullied by one of my men."**

 **"I hold my men at a high regard on the battlefield, but in the case of idealistic love, I see them as the pigs they are like Kondou-san. No offense, chief. Your approach to Shinpachi's older sister is sound since she is a tough woman to convince. However, Shinpachi is willing to risk his heart for this idealistic love."**

 **"I both admire and sigh in disappointment at his pride in love for his idol and the concept. It's easy to understand why I would be disappointed, but what I admire is his perseverance to treat the person he cares about well. Also as a man who had avoided this concept of love, I am not completely sure if Shinpachi have felt the true devastation of betrayal to his love, but I am sure without a doubt that he could move forward and still hold onto this idealism."**

 **"Back on the matter of whether I can personally allow him to date one of my men is something I will have to discover while I spend my time with him."**

But that was to be cut short.

"Eh? Shinpachi will be Sougo's assitant?" Hijikata was stunned.

Kondo nodded. The four men were present for the subject. "You already have Tetsu as your assistant, and I have been convinced by Sougo and Shinpachi-kun that these two should work together."

Shinpachi forced himself to smile. But it almost faltered when Hijikata looked at him with that shocked expression that almost screamed betrayal.

The vice chief asked the sadist, "But you were the one who wanted him to work as my assistant."

"Just to see if he isn't a screw up." Sougo said casually. "Now that I'm convinced, he will be my assistant for the rest of his days here. All three of us agreed, so whatever you say won't matter."

Hijikata looked to Shinpachi, then looked to the others, "Can we speak in private." That wasn't a request, so the two men left, but not without Sougo warning Shinpachi, "If he does anything, just scream fire. Someone might come in and chop his head off for you."

"Don't make me sound like I'm an offender!" Hijikata yelled at him, but was obviously ignored.

At the sound of the sliding door closed, Shinpachi steeled his heart, but his nerves were quivering.

Hijikata started, "Shinpachi, if Sougo is blackmailing you or anything, I'll deal with him."

"No-Not at all." Shinpachi gave him a reassuring smile. "I do enjoy working as your assistant, Hijikata-san, but Okita-san convinced me that he needed assistance as well."

That was hard to believe! "What could he possibly need assistance with?! He doesn't do jackshit unless there's bloodshed involved! Are you really okay, Shinpachi! You can tell me if he's harassing you!"

"Like I said, I'm okay. Okita-san is scary, but he's also a dear, respected friend of mine like Hijikata-san. If I just keep to myself, and stay out of his way, I'm sure that I will be at least alive when I reach the hospital."

"Are you really sure about this, Shinpachi?!" Hijikata questioned more roughly. He knew that Sougo wouldn't outright do anything to cripple Shinpachi, but still, why did Sougo want him for some reason?

 **"I will admit that I was shocked. I don't know what Sougo is planning, but what truly frightens me is that Shinpachi willingly agreed to work with him."**

"..."

 **"Is Sougo the one who Shinpachi has fallen for."**

"..." Hijikata put his book away and put his palm on his forehead. He cared for both of them, but somehow he also felt like tearing them apart. "Why do I feel like this? I'm being childish."

._._._.

"Eh? I have to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with you?" Shinpachi was bewildered by the demands from his new boss.

"Yup. You also have to do my laundry, clean my room, do my reports, do my patrols- Oh, I almost forgot. I have a bitch currently chained somewhere in the city with only dog food and water as her meal. I need you to go whip her or else she will become docile."

" **NO!** I MEAN I'LL DO YOUR WORK, BUT DON'T GET ME MIXED UP INTO YOUR SADISM!" Shinpachi knew that this sort of request would be given, but that was a too disturbing task to ask of a first day assistant!

The two were currently in Sougo's room, which really did need to be cleaned. Shinpachi only hoped that he didn't find anything strange that Gintoki hadn't already showed him.

"Then I'm going to have to miss our lunch date for today."

"Please don't call it a date." Shinpachi muttered and then sighed. He decided to be forward with the man. "I know I should've asked this before, but why did you want me to be your assistant? It can't just be because you want to help me not be Hijikata-san's assistant any more."

"It's for no special reason other than to make that idiot guy upset."

"Upset?" Shinpachi inquired while the older samurai walked to the door. "What do you mean?"

Sougo paused his steps and said bluntly, "Hijikata-san has taken a liking to you."

"A liking?" A liking as in friend? Or a liking as in like-like? Shinpachi wanted to ask, but it was an uncomfortable question for him to even mutter.

He hoped that the sadist would answer, but instead, he replied, "Ah but that doesn't matter anymore. Hijikata-san will still be an idiot in the end. I'm going. Bye. Bye."

This left the teen in his unsurprising state of confusion. "...Like?" The teen felt like he knew the answer, but he didn't want to assume anything, so he ignored it.

Instead, he did the lazy officer's work. Sougo was nice enough to leave him a schedule, which he did diligently. He wondered of who did the man's work at first since he couldn't imagine Okita-san doing it. Kondo, who would check up on him from time and again, told him that it used to be one of the officers named Kamiyama, but due to an incident, the man had to be hospitalized for awhile. That made more sense of why Sougo wanted him to do his work.

After a week or two of getting used to the schedule, Shinpachi finally noticed his lack of contact with Hijikata.

 _For a moment I thought that Okita-san had made the schedule so I could avoid Hijikata-san, but I don't understand why. What could Okita-san gain from keeping me away from Hijikata-san? Even if I do think of the worse, I'm most likely wrong. I was thinking of asking Gin-san or Kagura-chan on my next day off, but they are already upset about the fact that I already work for the shinsengumi, and they still think that I am Hijikata-san's assistant. It's bad enough that they worry that I'll stink of mayonnaise, and I have to take an extra shower to reassure them that I don't. I know that they're just getting on my nerves, but if they knew that I switched into becoming Okita-san's assistant, I don't want to think of what hell that will turn into._

 _I wonder how Hijikata-san is doing. I only see him at the morning during our usual group meetings. He would always check up on me after those meetings to make sure that I haven't become a victim of Okita-san's sadism. Although the contact is brief, I cannot restrain myself from looking forward to them.  
_

Shinpachi sighed tiredly.

 _A month and a half had already passed since I've been made to work here, so I only have four and a half months to go. Strangely, it only feels like I've been here for three weeks or less. Maybe its because I've become accustomed to the work they give me now. I practically know the name of every shinsengumi officer so far, and I already know about their own quirks like Saitou-san's shyness, so in a strange way, the shinsengumi now feels like a third home..._

Shinpachi paused when something donned on his mind.

 _I will never accept Kondou-san as a family member, but I supposed that I can see him as a weird uncle at best. For Okita-san, having meals and going on patrols together sometimes have been surprisingly pleasant. I cringe at his antics, but after two years of dealing with this type of bullshit, I can look over that to see a childish but decent samurai similar to Kagura-chan and Gin-san._

 _For Hijikata-san_

A painful, awkward clench made itself noticed in his chest. He wanted to see Hijikata as family, but it felt both inaccurate and accurate. He wanted to call him a brother figure like Gin-san, but even the mere thought of him made his heart flutter in a way that it shouldn't for an older brother.

He couldn't finish that sentence, so he put his book away, and laid down to sleep, but then there was a knock at his door. "Shinpachi, it's me."

 _"HIJI-HIJIKATA-SAN?!"_ Shinpachi didn't know of what to make of this sudden visit! _"Wha-what could he be needing here right now in the middle of the night! I want to tell him to go away, but I also want to see him so much! Just seeing him in the morning and catching glances of him at the afternoon just isn't enough! No! Shut up Shinpachi! You have to think about the bad things about him! It's rule #5! Think about Hijikata eating mayonnaise! Think about him eating mayonnaise! That always grossed you out!...But in all honesty, I'm not really that bothered since its a normal sight to see now. WAIT! You're missing the point! UHM! UHM!"_

He hadn't uttered a word for five minutes during his internal panic, so he heard the man say, "You must be asleep after a tiring day of being Sougo's assistant..." Hijikata's voice seem to falter as if he was saddened by that fact.

Shinpachi forgot his problem, and he opened the door immediately. "I-I'm awake. Is there something wrong, Hijikata-san? Are you unable to sleep? You've been working on the missile cult case last week, you must be frustrated more than usual. I can prepare tea."

"..." Hijikata looked down at the teen's worried expression. Though he shouldn't be fond of that expression, he realized that he hadn't seen this worried expression for a while. Just now, he realized that he had been missing something he hadn't noticed that he would be wistful for. "Aah." He audibly agreed.

The two went to the cafeteria. One of the shinsengumi rules were that they weren't allowed to have late night snacks, but beverages weren't considered snacks, so it was allowed. So if Saitou caught them, it wouldn't be breaking the rules.

Shinpachi prepared the mayonnaise flavored tea, and the two enjoyed it at the cafeteria. The megane worriedly asked, "So what is wrong, Hijikata-san?"

"...Shinpachi...do you have feelings for Sougo?"

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!

Shinpachi spit the whole tea directly at Hijikata's face by accident. He coughed when some of it went towards his windpipe! Hijikata felt a vein about to pop, but he reasoned that his question was out of the blue, so he subsided his bloodthirsty anger, and got up to get a bunch of napkins to wipe his face and the table. While he did that, he apologized, "Sorry about that. It's just that I've been told that you two have been spending a lot of time together."

"Tha-COUGH! COUGH! COUGH! That's because he ordered me to!" he cried out with a rasped voice! "Plus, you should know better than anyone that Okita-san isn't my type!" he coughed once more, and then drank the rest of his tea to settle himself down.

"Right, sorry. I just had to ask. It is my role as vice chief to make sure that none of his men are breaking any regulations." Though that was true, Hijikata also asked because it was a question that he's been keeping to himself this whole time they've been apart. He couldn't take it anymore tonight.

Shinpachi felt his brows furrowed by that explanation. "Well, Okita-san and I are not in that type of relationship at all. I am also the type to not break any of the rules. You really look down on me, Hijikata-san." He said put off.

"It's not that I look down at you-"

"No, you look down at me." Shinpachi sharply retorted.

"Oi, I-!"

"If that's all you wanted to ask, then I better get back to bed. Good night, Hijikata-san." Shinpachi stood and walked to leave, but-

"OI! WAIT!" Hijikata ordered as he roughly grabbed the teen's arm. "I didn't mean to insult you!"

Shinpachi pulled his arm away, and angrily questioned back, "Then why did you ask a question like that! Is it because I told you the truth about myself that you think that I'd go behind your back and date someone in the shinsengumi! You wouldn't have asked that question if you didn't know!"

"It's not that! I'm worried-"

"Oh! So you don't think I can fend for myself!"

"WILL YOU JUST LISTEN! I am not insinuating that you are doing anything terrible that I would have to reprimand you for!"

"What you said would make anyone listening to you insinuate what I think! Maybe I was right to agree to be Okita-san's assistant so I could get away from you!"

"Get away from me?" Hijikata was stunned by this. "You became his assistant so you could get away from me! Why?! I thought we patched things up already!"

Shinpachi was at tears when he felt a familiar, but growing pain in his chest. Just listening to Hijikata speak so rudely yet so kindly in a moment that confused the vice chief made Shinpachi also feel a heavy set of guilt. He wanted to solve this issue, but he couldn't settle with going back to hating and loving when Hijikata was near as if everything was okay when it really wasn't.

He did his best to hold his tears in, but his grated voice expressed his turmoil and pain, "You wouldn't understand! You ignored me first! I-" He paused when he felt a tear streaming down his heated face. He felt so ashamed that he ran away from the shinsengumi headquarters by leaping through the wall.

 _IDIOT! IDIOT! IDIOT! I'm an idiot! I got mad at Hijikata-san, and made him feel like he was at fault, when he doesn't know how I truly feel. I'm such a big idiot!_

Shinpachi ran away from the building, not knowing of where he was going until he clashed onto someone from behind, but neither of them fell.

"Oi, oi, you shouldn't be running recklessly like that. You could hurt some...Shinpachi?" The man turned around, and Shinpachi looked up to see Gintoki who sounded drunk, but now he looked completely sober. The teen realized that it was because of his face. He wiped away his tears with the back of his hand as he turned away.

The silver haired samurai inspected his body to see no blood or tear. It was then obvious that this was caused by an argument. Not wanting to put the teen on the defense, he inquired, "What happened? Did you get rejected by a girl, because that sort of thing happens. You should've gotten her drunk so she's less likely to reject you, Patsuan. You'll look more like Tom Cruise by then."

Shinpachi laughed a little at that, and then frown as he covered his eyes. The tears just wouldn't stop, and he felt like he was crying for such a pathetic reason. "I'm sorry, Gin-san." he croaked. "I can't tell you the truth."

Gintoki was shocked by this, though his face remained blank. He wasn't insulted by this, but he knew that he couldn't leave the matter as it was. So he offered, "Then come over and sleep at the yorozuya. I'll tell that super sadist that you caught a cold. He told me that you're his assistant, but he's not the type to make you cry, so I won't beat him up. Anyway, when you can trust me, I won't judge. It's not my place to judge in the first place. So how about it Shinpachi. Wanna play hooky?"

The teen nodded vigorously. "Thank you, Gin-san."

._._._.

Everyone in the shinsengumi were on their feet, and tried to not say, "Oh, where's Shin-MMPH!"

"Shut up! The vice chief might hear you! I don't know what happened, but the kid had been granted temporary leave from his community service!"

"That's allowed?"

"I don't know, but whatever you do, don't mention his name!"

They immediately shut up when their vice chief appeared. They expected a menacing atmosphere, but what they felt was nothing. Well, not exactly nothing. More like they were invisible to each other because the man was in his own world.

 **"I don't care what my men say. I only want to hear the truth out of Shinpachi's mouth, but I shouldn't confront him. I need him to be willing to talk to me."**

Hijikata paused his writing on his office table. He felt so much frustration, and writing down was not helping! Training was not helping! Beating down jouishishi was not helping!

He got up, and left to the only person he knew he could talk to.

"Ah, so you came to me. That's a surprise." The anpan sage said with a yawn. "Did you bother to talk to chief about this first?"

"This matter isn't about me. It's Shinpachi...and you're the only one in the shinsengumi who knows him best. You're the only person I can talk to."

"And you hate that that's true. You pride yourself as a man who doesn't get into emotional and personal business, but when you do, you always have a plan. It's both a blessing and a fault of yours."

"I didn't come here to get a psychoanalysis."

"No. You came here to just have an answer, but Hijikata-san, don't you think the answer lies on figuring yourself out? Shinpachi knows the type of person he is. He understands how he feels with a certainty because he's not afraid of how those emotions would label himself. If he's this way or that way, he'll accept it or try to change it. While you Hijikata-san always tries to remain the same. No matter the situation, you can be true to yourself, and maybe perhaps at other times like now, you're trying to remain being that truth." Yamazaki yawned again.

Hijikata was quiet. He didn't feel like anything about himself changed drastically. Then Hijikata remembered the sight of Shinpachi smile, his worried frown, and

 _"You wouldn't understand! You ignored me first! I-"_

He was aware that he did ignore Shinpachi. But it was for only a week! And he didn't mean when he had to take care of the missiles case, but when he was actually there. Is Shinpachi that sensitive to being ignored? Shouldn't he be used to that sort of thing. Ah, no, that was mean for the man to think. Plus, when he finally looked at the situation they were in last week...

 **"To be suddenly ignored by a close friend, any one would be upset. It didn't matter how long. The point was that I made Shinpachi feel insignificant to me. I truly am an idiot. I was so focused on my own feelings that I failed to noticed his. I don't want to assume more than this of why he's mad. I want to hear it from his own mouth."**

After that visit with Yamazaki, he went back to the shinsengumi and went straight to his office. In his guilty mind, he wished that the teen was waiting for him in his room, and when he opened it, there he was.

._._._.

A/N: Hijikata-san is a real idiot with his feelings for Shinpachi. If Shinpachi was a girl, he'd at least think of the possibility that he's developing some tender-loving feelings, but that's not the case. He's like a blank slate of confusion.

And Shinpachi is so confused about whether he wants attention or not from Hijikata.

Oh my poor OTP.

Oh, and actually seeing of where I'm going with this, I might actually reach over ten chapters! If anyone's interested...

Please review!


	8. PISSED AT ENGLISH

A/N: **Milwaukee Meg** , it's okay to review as much as you want! I love reviews! Don't be afraid! ;D

._._._.

Chapter 8: I'm really frustrated with my English and Writing classes that I'm going to complain about them in my future chapter titles.

"Eh? You're going back now?" Kagura asked, surprised during breakfast.

Shinpachi replied, "I still have a responsibility to finish my community service hours, and I should patch things up with Hijikata-san. I was the one who got out of hand during our argument."

Kagura was still didn't know of what the two could possibly argue about to the point that it drove her megane to tears, but she knew better than to question it. Shinpachi was always honest and willing to find help if he could, and he could with them, but it seemed that the problem must not be entirely clear to their straight man either.

Gintoki inwardly sighed as he dug into his ear with his pinkie. He took a look at it and blew the dirt of it. He then said lazily, "If that's what you want, we won't stop you. But if he makes you cry again, Shinpachi, we can't forgive him."

Shinpachi didn't want to trouble them with that, especially since they didn't understand the situation. He wanted to confess to them, but he wanted to do it when he's entirely sure of his feelings with Hijikata-san. He felt so grateful to have an understanding family. "Thank you very much...you guys."

After breakfast, the teen went back to the shinsengumi, and was greeted by shocked expressions. Many of the officers crowded around him to ask if he was okay. It was their demon vice chief who he argued with, so the chance of something being wrong with Shinpachi was really high, but the teen reassured all of them that he was fine.

Then Kondo called him to his office. There, the man started with a serious tone, "I am not aware of all the details of what happened, Shinpachi, but Sougo relayed to me from Gintoki that you were pretty upset to the point of tears."

"They told you that!" Shinpachi felt embarrassed as a man. "I-It wasn't that serious, Kondou-san."

"Though you say, I am the chief of the shinsengumi, and I will not stand for one of my men to mistreat their subordinates. Answer me honestly Shinpachi, were you being mistreated by Toshi."

Shinpachi replied firmly, "No. What we talked about was a private matter. Hijikata-san did in no way abused his power over me."

Kondo stared at him for a moment, and then smiled, "That's good to hear! I was worried that I would have to suspend him, but now that we have that cleared up, I think it's best that you two talked it out! It's why you came here even though we were able to grant you temporary leave, isn't it Shinpachi-kun."

Shinpachi nodded. "Can you please tell me where Hijikata-san is?"

"He went off to check on Yamazaki, but he should be back soon. You can wait at his office for awhile."

"Thank you, Kondou-san."

._._._.

The two men stood in front of each other. Hijikata was dumbstruck by this while Shinpachi was paralyzed by the presence of the man, but he shook it off to get on his hands and knees with his forehead to the ground. "I'M SORRY, HIJIKATA-SAN!"

"EH!?"

Shinpachi looked up to earnestly tell him, "I let my temper get away from me, and said something that implied it was your fault, but it wasn't. I was stressed out, and I took it out on you. Please accept my humble apologies, Hijikata-san!" He put his forehead down on the floor again.

Hijikata was shocked by this! And frankly a little upset! He finally got into his office and closed the door. "Oi, Shinpachi, you have nothing to apologize for."

The teen rose his head again to retort, "But I caused you trouble, I-"

Hijikata knelled down in front of him and held his shoulders. The two locking eyes. "Shinpachi, I am the one at fault. I did ignore you last month, and I am not surprised if I troubled you because of that. I am the worst of the worst to have ignored you like that, and selfishly thought that we patched things up."

"No! Tha..." Shinpachi thought back to when Hijikata ignoring him, and if he didn't have these confusing feelings, he would have been truly hurt as a friend. You just don't do that to your friends. Understanding how Hijikata saw the situation, he apologized again since he was omitting his truth of the situation, "I'm sorry, Hijikata-san."

The older man sighed roughly. "Stop apologizing already, and tell me what I can do to make it up to you."

Shinpachi didn't want the man to feel at fault, though he did do something horrible, so the megane thought of this as a way to grant peace between them. "You don't have to do anything, Hijikata-san." He gave him a well-meaning smile, "Just hearing the proud, demon vice chief apologizing to me again is enough. I guess you had a lot of practice apologizing." He giggled. "What is this? The fifth time you had to apologize to me, and it's only been barely two months! I must be really good at making you feel guilty."

Hijikata blushed! "It's not like that! And it's only been two times! I think!" He really wasn't sure of how many times he's apologized to the teen.

"Hijikata, you're squeezing my shoulders hard."

"Ah, sorry." The man let him go.

"That makes it the third or sixth time. Maybe I should restart and say that this is the second time." The megane cutely teased.

"No! Let it go! I won't apologize ever again if you do! My pride won't allow it!"

"Yeah, yeah, but hearing you apologize reminds me that you do care about me. I'm really happy." Shinpachi said with his eyes down and faint blush was on his cheeks.

Hijikata felt his cheeks heat up as well. He didn't know why! His face felt so hot, and he couldn't understand why! Was he having a fever? It is June, so it was pretty warm outside. He turned his face away as he said, "Y-yeah! I do care about you, and if I do anything like that to you ever again, go ahead and beat the crap out of me."

Shinpachi nodded with a bright smile, "Yes!"

Hijikata felt the heat on his face cool off, but he felt mesmerized for a second by that smile. He looked away again. "Go-good! Then let's get back to work! I'm sure Sougo wants you to run some errands."

Shinpachi nodded. He knew that returning back to being Sougo's assistant did diminish their time together, and that was still his goal. "Excuse me, Hijikata-san." He walked out of the room.

Hijikata watched him leave. He felt like he did it reluctantly. He reasoned that he could see Shinpachi any time, but that didn't seem satisfactory to him. He took out a cigarette and lit it to ease his nerves a little. He then sighed out the sweet smoke. He remembered Yamazaki's words. He needed to find the answer, and it looked like he can't figure it out himself.

Later that night, both men looked at their diaries, and put them away without writing a single word. There wasn't anything new worth writing about, except the same thing: their feelings for each other and what they wished would come out of it.

._._._.

"We did it!" the field operatives of the shinsengumi for a certain mission cheered. "We found the missiles!"

"Not all of them." Hijikata pointed out while everyone else was hyped up about the find in the room. They were celebrating. Though it was too early to celebrate, it was a feat that surprised them like a gift from he heavens, and it was nice to loosen up for one night at least.

"Neh, neh, Toshi!" Kondou patted on his back and placed his hand on his right hand man's shoulder. Clearly buzzed, but not drunk. "It's a step forward in our case! The missiles are being destroyed since they are more of a nuisance than a weapon of destruction!"

Hijikata knew that. He also noticed that a certain megane wasn't around. "Oi, Sougo. Where's Shinpachi?"

"I told him to straighten out and clean the office used to solve this case. I didn't want him drinking alcohol, so he wouldn't be singing that stupid pop bitch's songs." The sadist replied.

Hijikata couldn't get angry at the younger samurai for that since Shinpachi was a horrendous singer and Otsu's songs aren't his type of music either. However, he wanted to see Shinpachi. To see his smile, his frown, his tired face brightened up by his endearing smile...He really adored that smile.

He got up and told the others that he was going to check up on him to make sure nothing was out of place. Kondo and Sougo let him go. The chief smiled happily. "Toshi truly cares for Shinpachi-kun. A samurais bond is truly a remarkable thing." Sougo made no comment.

Hijikata reached the research room, and expected a tidy place but what he came upon was an even messier place! Books and pictures were scattered everywhere, and files on the computers had been opened, and Shinpachi was standing in front of a bulletin board with a permanent marker in his hand that he used to draw on a map of Edo that he pinned on the wall!

"Shinpachi! What's the meaning of this?!"

"Hijikata-san! You came at the right time! I think I cracked an answer of my own!" Shinpachi happily grabbed the man's hand and led him to the map of the city. "Look here!" He grabbed pictures from the table to show that he had printed photos of the mysterious, missiles cult messenger. "I decided to watch the video that drove you mad, and I noticed something peculiar about the messenger's mask! It's a collage of pictures that never changes because its all actually symbols of career buildings within the city. If you look here at this dead fish on a cloud wearing chinese clothes and glasses with an old lady and a cat peeking from under it is actually the yorozuya!" He pointed at the map where he had drawn an oval and x marks. "Then as expected, this picture of a drag-look sumo wrestler with a floating large chin next to him is Saigou-san's club! Then here where I recognized it as a castle and the chess piece known as the knight is the shogun's palace! And this is Gengai-san's shop! The shinsegumi! My dojo!" He pointed at a picture of a gorilla wearing a kimono standing next to a pair of glasses wielding a wooden sword. Hijikata sweatdropped a little there. "Do you see where I'm going with this Hijikata-san?!"

The man took the papers from Shinpachi and noticed that the drawings did somewhat perfectly symbolized the personality of certain areas. Especially since the shinsengumi was represented by a perverted monkey holding a smoking mayonnaise bottle in one hand and a demon wearing Sougo's sleep mask in the other. "But what does this all mean?" He inquired.

"Ah, that's what I was about to tell you!" He went to the computer, "If you look at the pictures of the mask, you would notice that the color scheme changes once a week! The same amount of time an auction is held! And when I looked at the pictures taken of the missiles, they each had a strip of a certain color on each of them, and each color represented what type of missile it was! If we can match the colors with the missiles, then perhaps the sixth division can do their magic and create an algorithm to pinpoint where these missiles could possibly be! It's a stretch, but I hope it will be useful to you, Hijikata-san."

The man stared at Shinpachi who had cracked the secret in only over an hour while his team spent over two months! Though of course, Shinpachi is not a genius. It just so happened that the teen knew the city better than anyone in the shinsengumi did to be able to pinpoint these images to match "personalities".

Even so, wasn't this like another offering given by the gods. Hijikata breathlessly and silently chuckled as he gave an appreciative smile sent towards Shinpachi's way. "Good work, Shinpachi. If your theory is correct consider your community service months decreased."

"Yes! Thank you for believing in me." Shinpachi smiled back with the same intensity as the older samurai. Neither of them breaking eye contact.

"No problem." Hijikata said coolly, which strummed the teen's heart strings.

Shinpachi knew he was breaking his rules, but he couldn't look away. He loved this attention.

However, eventually reality was starting to set in for the both of them. The teen felt regret wash over him, and he felt the awkward pain building in his chest. "I should continue cleaning."

Hijikata heard that silent, faint plea to leave to make the job easier. He was disappointed that their contact was brief, then he realized that they didn't have to separate so soon. "I'll help."

Shinpachi paused his paper stacking. "What?" He looked over his shoulder to see his temporary boss stacking the books. "You don't have to Hijikata-san! You should enjoy the celebration with everyone else! They must be wondering of what's taking you."

"No they won't. They're probably drunk off their asses by now, and I rather be right here."

BA-DUMP! RIGHT TO THE KOKORO!

"HIJIKATA-SAN! YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE!"

"WHY ARE YOU GETTING MAD?! I REALLY MEANT WHAT I SAID!"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT FROM YOU!"

"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM! IT'S BEEN AWHILE SINCE WE ACTUALLY HAVE SOME TIME TO TALK!"

"YOU CAN TALK WITH SOMEONE ELSE!"

"HELL NO! I WANT IT TO BE WITH YOU!"

"WHY ME?!"

"BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE TALKING TO YOU! YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE OUTSIDE OF THE SHINSENGUMI WHO I CAN STAND THE MOST!"

"WELL, MAYBE I SHOULDN'T BE SO NICE TO YOU THEN!"

"WELL MAYBE I SHOULDN'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOU THEN!"

Shinpachi was visibly hurt by those words. Hijikata realized what he said, and quickly said, "Shit! I didn't mean to say that."

"No. It's my fault. I overreacted again. I'm sorry."

"No. I shouldn't have screamed either. I did say something embarrassing."

"But it was true right?" Shinpachi inquired softly. The two deeply staring at each other again.

Hijikata felt locked in those maturing brown eyes. He said softly back, "Yeah..."

The two stayed standing there staring at each other. Not a word, no sound, not even their breathing could be heard. Everything was still and only gravity played its part. Hijikata leaned slowly forward millimeter by millimeter until they both felt uncomfortably close. Then he stepped back. "Then we should get back to cleaning."

Shinpachi was unable to feel anything after traveling so deep into his heart to be immersed into the moment that the two were in a second ago. He managed a "Yes..."

They first started cleaning in silence until something spark a memory worth reminiscing between the two. They talked and talked even when they were done cleaning. They sat in that room to finish their conversation, but the topic followed after one onto the other until they realized that it was three in the morning!

"Fuck, it's three?" Hijikata stared at the clock with sleepy eyes. The two were so tired, but they didn't want to go to sleep. "We've been talking for...four...three hours?"

Shinpachi yawned. "I don't think I've talked to anyone for this long. And we were first talking about memories, our friend and family, and then thinking of funny hypothetical events. I love you." He was too sleepy to realize what he had just said as he lied on the chief's warm shoulder.

Hijikata was too sleepy to process the words to react. He just said, "Me too." And the two fell asleep on the floor.

Three hours later, Sougo entered the room to find his vice chief and his assistant on the floor in each others arms asleep. The young samurai wanted to see how Shinpachi was doing, and by the sight of no hickies, it was safe to assume that they didn't do anything in the office, but he was still irritated, but then he became curious.

"Oi, vice pig, get up. You have to do your morning routine." Sougo kicked his back.

"Ow! Hey! What did you hit me for!"

"Achoo!" Shinpachi sneezed himself awake. He looked up as Hijikata looked down. Then they realized their sleeping positions.

"AH!" Both men leaped up and stood a few feet away from each other.

"It's not what you think, Okita-san!" Shinpachi said with a hanging plead in the air to spare him!

"Oh really? Then what should I think, low class megane?" His mouth formed a cruel smirk. His terracotta eyes empty of any soul. **_"You do realize that playing with the vice chief is against the regulations, don't you?"_**

"EEEEEK!"

"Stop it, Sougo." Hijikata softly karate chopped his head. "We lost track of time and fell asleep by mistake. Don't let your imaginations run wild and leave Shinpachi alone on this. The both of you still have an hour to sleep before getting ready for breakfast. I'll see myself out." The responsible man went out the door.

A big mistake on Shinpachi's part because it didn't look Sougo was going to leave him alone on the matter at all. Sougo approached him. Shinpachi found himself against a wall with nowhere to escape. He tried t make a run for it, but just as expected, he was slammed back against the wall, and was now face to face with a terrifying Sougo!

"O-Oki-"

"Quiet." He softly snapped.

Shinpachi closed his mouth. He didn't know what was to come, and he was sure that that was less terrifying than actually knowing, so thank gawd he was rarely at the end of this stick, but now what?!

He found his jaw being held by a strong hand, and he could feel the air coming out of Okita-san's nose on his own face. Wa-was he going to be kissed?! Realizing his fate, he wasn't sure of what to do?! Should he stop the sadist?! Should he just accept it?! Sougo was quite the handsome man, and getting a kiss from him wouldn't be so bad, but this was too sudden!

Actually they've been spending a lot of time together, so maybe Sougo had feelings for him? Was it bad to accept them? Shinpachi always did ship him with Kagura-chan since he's been a victim and a witness of their strange form of flirting. Maybe he should stop this kiss from happening. But what if Sougo was gay? Or maybe bisexual but leaning towards homosexuality more.

Maybe he sho-

"I forgot. My ja-" Hijikata returned to get his jacket, but came to witness Sougo and Shinpachi about to kiss. Angry marks formed all over his face with shadowed eyes. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!"

._._._.

Kondo was kneeling in front of three of his closest friends who all knelled with injuries. "Toshi. Sougo. Can you please explain to me of why you decided to fight so early in the morning and trash the research room?"

"Hijikata-san started it." Okita quickly saved his own balls.

"OI! You were the one trying to put the moves on Shinpachi!"

"Wrong. I was just blowing a piece of dirt out of his eye."

"Liar! I know what I saw!"

"That's enough." Kondo demanded with a solemn voice he rarely used. "Sougo, you should know better than to bully Shinpachi-kun, and Toshi, you should know better than to instigate a fight over this. You both acted childish, and shall be both excused from the missiles case since we can't allow another damage in properties like this. I'll leave the case to Harada, and Shinpachi will assist him. Do I make myself clear?"

All three of them nodded.

 _Dear Diary #108_

 _Wow, I don't think I've seen Kondou-san that serious. It almost made him look cool, but I should digress since his stalker side still annoys me. But I must ask, why did Okita-san and Hijikata-san fight? What was Okita-san's goal, and why did it irritate Hijikata-san to the point that they were practically trying to kill each other? I supposed most of their tension was due to the years of growing irritation for each others' antics.  
_

 **"Damn Sougo for laying a finger on Shinpachi! I hope the dislocated shoulder I gave him was a good warning to not mess with me. Damn, but he gave me a good beating, too. My body feels sore, but I can't complain. Kondo was right. I overreacted in the situation, and made a mess of the research room. But I am confident in Harada leading the case, and with Shinpachi's theory, we may actually have a lead."  
**

Hijikata stopped to remember what happened after Kondo reprimanded them. Sougo walked away after tripping him at the hallway. Shinpachi helped him up. "Are you okay, Hijikata-san?"

The vice chief nodded. "I'm sorry that you had to get in the middle of our scuffle."

"That makes it three." The teen teased.

"Can you please not count." Hijikata grumbled.

Shinpachi mirthly smiled, and said, "It's alright. You actually saved me, Hijikata-san. I don't know what Okita-san was planning, so I'm glad that you arrived when you did."

"Don't mention it. But next time, don't just freeze there and take it."

"Right, but I do wonder what Okita-san was planning to give me."

Hijikata felt his right eye twitch, but he wondered the same thing.

 **"Was Sougo trying to kiss Shinpachi? I want to know the truth, but I don't see how that's any of my business. Shinpachi isn't in love with him, so there's no chance that the two of them would break regulations. But still, who is Shinpachi in love with? But that's none of my business either."**

._._._.

Soon, the shinsengumi was finding missiles after missiles once Shinpachi's theory was proven correct. The teen was allowed on the field and direct his own team to get ahold of them. This had caused no more videos to be found, but at least they had found plenty of them. However, their headquarters were still a mystery.

"There's noway that we can raid their auctions despite having more manpower. And all of your faces are most likely well known by the members, so we will need outside help in order to accomplish this mission." Shinpachi pointed out during a meeting with Kondo, Hijikata, Sougo, and Harada while eating yakiniku at a hotel.

Harada said, "I agree."

"But it definitely can't be the yorozuya. They will most likely screw it up."

"But we do get the job done!" Shinpachi happily pointed out like the actors in the commercials.

Kondo said, "As much as that may sometimes be true, I rather not involve civilians in our mission."

Shinpachi knew that was true. He thought about it, and then came up with an idea. "Then how about a ninja for hire? Sarutobi-san should be fairly capable of sneaking in with Yamazaki-san to capture one of the auctioneers without notice, and Hijikata-san and Okita-san can interrogate the person before anyone realizes their gone."

"That could work! Good job, Shinpachi-kun! You are definitely fit to take over for me when I retire as a married man!" Kondo laughed for some reason.

Shinpachi rejected him point blank, but the gorilla wasn't listening. The teen was put in charge on getting Sarutobi on their side. Hijikata was hesitant since though two years had passed, they weren't aware of how loyal she could be to the mission. Shinpachi reassured them that Sarutobi owed him a favor.

So one night, everyone was set. Sarutobi wore an ear piece to communicate with everyone who were all in a van parked nearby. The ninja knew that she wouldn't be able to sneak in through windows since they were covered with sensors. So she had no choice but to go in disguise.

"Sheesh, why do I have to be dragged into this." Zenzou inquired while the two got pass the guards and into the room.

"That's because Gin-chan was too busy with a job of his, and there's noway I'm going in with that amateur spy (Yamazaki). He reeked of milk and anpan!"

"Says the ugly bitch who reeks of natto."

 **"Sadist on."** Sarutobi stabbed the man's asshole with her hair pins. The ninja laid on the the floor motionless. "Just stay there. I'll be right back." She left to do her job, which was easy since she was a pro at sneaking through security and reaching one of the auctioneers' dressing rooms. She first planted bugs in each one of them just in case there would be extra information to be given, and then knocked one of them out to be delivered.

She dressed the auctioneer in a tux, slapped his face until he was red, and put a hat on him. She made her way to the entrance.

Shinpachi was impressed! "Good job, Sarutobi-san! You're almost there!"

"Of course I am. I've done this job plenty of times! And not once have I fai..."

Shinpachi wondered why she paused like that until he looked at the screen that showed what the camera that was installed in the ninja's glasses was looking at.

"So this is the underground auction huh?"

"It's so fancy, aru."

Everyone in the van paled.

"WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?!" Shinpachi cried out! "CRAP! IF SARU-" He sees her throw the auctioneer to the side on top of Zenzou and was fangirling over Gintoki. Strange growling words were coming out of her mouth, but Shinpachi was too distracted at his own doom. If the cult knew that they were kidnapping one of their auctioneers, they might take drastic action and launch the rest of their missiles early! "SARUUUTOBI-SAAAAAN!"

"OI! WHAT ARE THEY DOING THERE?!" Hijikata demanded an answer!

Shinpachi helplessly replied, "I don't know! There's noway someone could ask them for a job to go the-"

"Gin-chan! What are you doing here?!" Sarutobi inquired.

"That's none of your business. We just came here to get pictures on a husband who's cheating on his wife, and followed him here." He replied. "But it seemed we lost him."

"Don't worry! I'll go find him right away! I'll kill all the cheating bastards in this room for you!"

"Good. You go do that." Gintoki said while digging his nose with his pinkie.

"HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET IN TO THAT TYPE OF PLACE!" Hijikata screamed!

"This is bad! We need to get that auctioneer out of there and get him back fast!" Shinpachi moved to get out to do the job, but Hijikata held his shoulder.

"Wait a minute! You can't just go in there!"

"Hijikata-san is right." Sougo said. "So please wear this." He held out a dominatrix costume.

"HE'S NOT WEARING THAT!" The vice chief shouted.

"Fine. Here." He held out a kimono. "I bought it over just in case we had to move to plan C during interrogations."

"What was plan b?! Don't tell me that it involved that dominatrix outfit earlier?!" Shinpachi asked frantically while he took off his clothes in the van.

Hijikata was shocked! "Oi, not in here!"

"But we're all men." Shinpachi pointed out.

"Yeah, Hijikata-san." Sougo played. "What are you getting all embarrassed about. Just because you can't stop staring at his ass, doesn't mean we don't have to."

"I'M NOT STARING AT HIS ASS! AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT LAST SENTENCE!"

Shinpachi put on the kimono like a pro, and out he went in his sandals and wig.

"Wait, Shinpachi! You need a date!"

"Then you better get going, Hijikata-san." Sougo took his jacket and put a bowtie and mustache on him, and then kicked him out of the van.

Hijikata demanded to go back in, but remembering Shinpachi's predicament, he went after him. The two went to the entrance, and were looked at by the guard.

 _"There's no way this fake mustache will work. It's all over."_ Hijikata thought dramatically.

"Okay, you're in." The guard let them pass.

"C'mon, hiji- I mean Darling!" Shinpachi held onto the man's arm like a lover, and the two walked in together. The two looked for the stupid ninja and the auctioneer. They hoped that the auctioneer hadn't woke up and ran away, but the body wasn't where it was supposed to be.

"I'll look there; you look over there." They split up while Gintoki and Kagura were just walking around to eat as much food off the food trays as possible in secret so the waiters wouldn't avoid them. Sarutobi was currently kidnapping a lot of men in the room who had wedding rings on or had them hid, and leaving them unconscious under the buffet table covered in natto.

Shinpachi knew he couldn't reason with Sarutobi to focus on the mission, so he pulled Kagura and Gintoki to him and covered their mouths. "You guys!" He hissed in a whisper! "Right now the shinsengumi is in the middle of a case, and I need you to get Sarutobi back on track, or not even my standing in the shinsengumi will prevent you guys from getting the death sentence! Now go!"

The two yorozuya members were confused by what's happening, but they knew that it was important and the shinsengumi was involved. Their eyes glinted when they simultaneously said with their twisted grin, "Pay up first."

"You bastards!" Shinpachi whispered, and then promised them that they would get their pay only if they didn't screw up the mission! Gintoki and Kagura agreed, and went to do the job. Shinpachi had a bad feeling that this wasn't going to end too well.

He went to find Hijikata, but to find him completely being mobbed by women. Shinpachi was not at all surprised, yet he needed the man, but how was he supposed to get through all those girls?! He guessed that it couldn't be helped, so he went off to see if the mission as flowing correctly.

Accidentally, he bumped into someone. "Ah, sorry, I...Minoru-san?" His childhood friend looked down at him. The snazzy looking teen was wearing a tux, and his curly, red hair had been straightened.

"Ah, Shin"

"Shhh!" He pressed his finger to the taller male's lips. He whispered, "I'm working right now! What are you doing here?"

"I came here with my boyfriend. He should be around here some'ere." Minoru looked around the crowd. Shinpachi was curious of who this man was, but he didn't have time for introductions.

"I'm sorry, Minoru-san, but I have to go." Shinpachi moved to leave, but he was instead held by the waist.

"Hold up. We were just getting comfortable. You also haven't replied back to me about setting you on a date. How about a three-way right now?"

 _SOUNDS OF A SKULL BEING ON THE VERGE OF BEING CRUSHED!_

 _ **"Oi, you bastard. What the hell do ya think yur sayin' to my date?"**_ Hijikata questioned why his hand clamped over the teen's head. Ominous atmosphere filled a part of the room that the crowd nearby strayed away.

"Hiji-I mean mayo-honey! Let him go!" Shinpachi begged with his female voice!

 ** _"Just a second megane-babe. I need to teach this punk a lesson that there's a limit to his flirting with you."_**

"This isn't the time to get personal!" Shinpachi shouted, setting his foot down.

Hijikata looked at him and then at the teen who was breaking into a slight cold sweat. He was about to let go, but then an even bigger, buffer, browner big hand clamped on his head. **_"Is there a reason you're hurting my rosy buttercup?"_**

"Bigridio! You're back with the drinks!" Minoru moved away from Hijikata's grip to face his boyfriend who happened to be a ten-foot-humanoid-bull who looked like he was ready to commit a fantasy game style execution by the He-Man styled clothes he wore.

"E-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH?!" Shinpachi stared at the massive amanto who had a bull ring. He should be terrified, but the bigger question was how the hell did Minoru meet this guy?!

Minoru chirpily told him, "You can let go of him darling! He was only protecting his man!"

"Oh." The bull let go without a second thought. "You need to stop flirting around, Mino-chan. I understand that it's for your confidence, but you need to be more careful when choosing who it is." He said in a very civilized way.

Hijikata had been seeing his life flash before his eyes when he felt that hand on his head, and after such an eventful, long trip through his memories, he couldn't find the strength to stand. Shinpachi caught him when he fell. "Hijikata-san! Pull yourself together!"

Bigridio apologized, "I'm sorry for that. It's not like Minoru to flirt with women so I thought he was just being picked on. It's also nice to meet one of his childhood friends."

Shinpachi felt overwhelmed by his casual kindness. "It's okay. He'll pull through, and it's also nice to meet you, too."

Then one of the auctioneers announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to our underground auction! Some of you may be aware that our missiles have been taken under custody by the shinsengumi, but don't worry people. We always have spares! So please take your seats, and let the auction begin!"

Shinpachi cursed, "Dammit! What is Kagura-chan and Gi-" He then realized that there was three people on the stage instead of the usual two. The straight-man's eye twitched. The other two were dressed with swirly glasses and a mustache on. "I TOLD THEM ONLY TO GET SARUTOBI-SAN BACK ON THE MISSION!" He screamed through grumbled teeth!

"I did." The ninja appeared behind him while one hand was kneading a bowl of natto fiercely. "I took the auctioneer to the sadist and gorilla. They're still interrogating him."

"And you couldn't bother being the one disguised instead as the auctioneer?!" He questioned since Sarutobi actually played a convincing shogun during the shogun arc!

"You're right!"

"Wait what?"

"That China girl's boobs are extra bouncy aren't they! Why's that?! Is it so Gin-chan will only pay attention to her in this crowd of whores?!"

"What the hell are you assuming?!"

"I can't let that happen!" Sarutobi removed her dress to reveal her S&M costume.

"I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID!" Shinpachi looked to Hijikata. Minoru and his boyfriend had left to watch the auction. "Hijikata-san, we need to get back to the van to speed up the interrogation!"

"Ri-right." Hijikata shook himself off his memory trip to get to the van with Shinpachi. When they opened the doors, they were welcomed to Sougo roasting the auctioneer over a fire.

"PLEASE HELP ME! I ALREADY CONFESSED!"

"Ah, but you gave up to easily. It was boring." Sougo reasoned.

"THAT DOESN'T GIVE YOU AN EXCUSE!" Hijikata flied kicked in there, but that caused the fire to spread, and everyone escaped before it exploded.

"Where's Kondou-san?!" Shinpachi asked when he couldn't find the gorilla.

Sougo replied, "He went with his team to apprehend the cult."

"HAHAAHAHA! I'M FREE! I'll warn my fellow members before your team rea-AH!" The auctioneer tripped on his shoe, smashed his head to a brick wall which broke his neck and killed him.

Sougo put handcuffs on Hijikata and Shinpachi. "You're under arrest for the abuse and man slaughter of Mr. Auctioneer over there."

"THAT'S MOSTLY YOU'RE FAULT!" The straight-men screamed in unison.

Eventually, the whole auction became a mess because of the idiot squad that went crazy and set the place on fire. The firemen arrived fast since the fire station was near, and Kondo had apprehended the cult in the end. The spare missiles were also founded and put into the government's custody.

"So is he your boyfriend?" Minoru asked, winking at Hijikata who was fighting with Gintoki. The two of them were sitting at the back of an ambulance with blankets over them. Not because the paramedics told them to, but because it was a cold night and their jackets caught fire. Bigridio was currently calling them a taxi.

"What?! NO!" Shinpachi blushed beet red!

"Oh, so he's your crush, huh." The red head nudged him with his elbow. "Is the reason you haven't asked him out is because he straight?"

"No! It's because we're friends! Close friends! Anyway, Hijikata-san isn't into romantic relationships."

"Aaaah, so he's that type."

"Huh?"

"The type who don't question their sexuality at all, and just accept society's idea of their sexuality to make their life easier. So he's straight because he doesn't care."

That did sound a lot like Hijikata. "So you see my point right."

"Are you in love with him?" The flirtation male asked with an out-of-character serious tone.

"I'm trying not to." The teen confessed. He confessed to Yamazaki, so this felt easier. Almost to easy, but caution was in the wind. "I care deeply about him, but to admit to being in love with him would be the end of me."

Silence descended on them for a moment before Minoru said, "I bet that you're trying really hard to make things normal, but since you can't, you avoid him more than you like to."

That was a little too specific. "Minoru-san..."

"Take this from someone who had plenty of dating experience. If you can't avoid them completely for a good reason for a while, then just admit the truth. It will change everything, Shin-chan, but it's a better place than you are in right now."

"Is it?" Shinpachi wondered because what if Hijikata began avoiding him on purpose, too.

"Worse can come to worse where you're friendship could diminish..." Minoru looked down with a sorrowful, reminiscent expression. However he looked forward with a resolute face as he breathed in. "But hey, at least your friendship would no longer feel fake."

 _Diary, what Minoru-san said at that moment made me see things for what it really is. The bigger picture that I neglected to see because I was so focused on myself, and selfishly thought about what my friendship was with Hijikata-san. I kept using our friendship as an excuse, that it practically has become a lie. I care deeply for Hijikata-san. We are friends, but a true friendship between two individuals should be built on trust and looking forward to seeing the other person. I have neither of them with Hijikata-san right now, and he's deceived to think we do._

 _I need to confess. I am in love with Hijikata-san. It took so long for me to notice, and so short a time to realize the true state of my emotions. I was so satisfied with our friendship, until I opened my eyes to the reality of my state. I am fine if Hijikata-san can find someone else, but as long as he is free to have, I crave to be that person to fill that spot next to him._

"Though I'm not surprised that you feel for someone in the shinsengumi." Minoru commented. Unknown to him that a pair of ears belonging to a red headed amanto began listening while she was currently fighting with a certain sadist on the ground. "What with being surrounded by those shirtless, muscular men with pig-headed minds and rippling abs. I would give anything to see Shinsengumi on TV again."

"Minoru-san! You have a boyfriend!"

"He don't mind me looking. Besides he knows that I'm not into my species. Too boring. Aah, but he also went through surgery to get his dick smaller so we can have possible sex."

"Please keep that to yourself, Minoru-san." The prude virgin deadpanned.

"This was how big it used to be." He took out his phone and showed his background image. Shinpachi didn't want to look but he got a glimpse of yellow instead of brown, so out of curiosity, he did look. "I didn't want him to get a surgery, so to appease me, he got me a pillow in its size and shape. It also smells like him!" Shinpachi was staring at a picture of his childhood friend on a yellow bed and spooning a penis that was half his size! And thicker than him!

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU THINK THAT WOULD FIT IN YOU?!"

"You can't give up unless you try!" The male preached, but Shinpachi pointed out, "But you ended up almost split in half. Usually its just a silly thing to say in bed, but yours was actually true!"

Minoru gave a high, resigned sigh. "Stupid yaoi boys. They can get a four foot cock up their asses, and I can't."

"YOU DO REALIZE THAT YAOI PORN IS A THOUSAND TIMES LESS REALISTIC THAN ACTUAL PORN RIGHT?!"

"Now I can only take about two feet of cock."

"THAT'S STILL TOO BIG?!"

"I guess I'll just have to settle with that tonight."

"I don't want to hear it! I don't want to hear anymore!" Shinpachi covered his ears and shook his head rapidly! Then a question popped in his head. "Ah, right. Minoru-san. What were you and Bigridio-san doing here?"

"Just call him Bigridio-kun, and we just heard about this from a friend in Otsu-chan's world, and thought it would be thrilling to do something mildly illegal! Biggie-kun is such a bore, but it's what I also love about him!"

"Huh..." Shinpachi found that endearing, and then the taxi arrived.

"Looks like it's time for me to leave. Bye Shin-chan." He kissed his cheek which sent two swords and an umbrella their way. Minoru sweat dropped, and jumped into his boyfriend's arms. Bigridio sighed with a tone that it had been repeated many times before, and the two were gone.

Shinpachi got up and left the blanket in the ambulance. He was ready for a good night sleep. "Thanks for your help you guys." He told to Gintoki and Kagura. "As promised, you'll get your payment tomorrow. I already settled the matter with Kondou-san."

Kagura inquired, "Do you have to go back to that shinsengumi headquarters?! You stink of mayonnaise, gorilla, and hot sauce! EHGCK!" She pinched her nostrils closed.

"It's only a few more months." He reminded them with a reassuring smile. "I'll make sure to wash off the smell thoroughly when this is all over."

"Oi!" Hijikata had an angry mark on his face. "Don't make us sound like a zoo. C'mon Shinpachi. Kondou is issuing a celebration, and since you did most of the work, he'll see if we can shorten your community service hours after all."

Shinpachi didn't say a word of modesty to that, so he could lose the chance to lessen his time at the shinsengumi. Besides, when he will muster the courage to confess to this man, he won't have to wait too long before he can comfortably see him every now and then instead of every day.

When the policemen left, Gintoki and Kagura glared at the car.

"Kagura, you thinking what I'm thinking?" The man with a dark shadow over the upper side of his face inquired.

"Yes, aru." The Yato replied with the same shadow over her face.

A foreboding atmosphere surrounded almost all of Edo. Shinpachi shuddered.

"Is something wrong, Shinpachi?" Hijikata inquired when he noticed his small spasm.

"Ah, no. I think I'm just cold. My clothes did get destroyed in that explosion." Shinpachi said casually. He then found Hijikata's jacket on him.

"Do you feel warmer now?"

Shinpachi blushed lightly at the kindness. "Yes."

._._._.

A/N: You can be friends without a real friendship. It's all virtual, and Shinpachi doesn't like that.

Plus, Kagura heard that Shinpachi likes someone in the shinsengumi. What will come of that.

And I love jealous/overprotective Hijikata who's extra nice to Shinpachi.

Plus what is Sougo up to? Hmmmmmmmmmm? :3


	9. No fun

Chapter 9: The easy, fun-going teacher are the worse teachers because they are hard to follow, and less organize than the stricter teacher.

 _Dear Diary #109_

 _Hijikata-san, I've fallen in love with you. It wasn't love at first sight or anything silly like that. It was because I finally opened my eyes to what I really am. I am bisexual, and I do like girls more, but I really do like you, too. Not because your girly or anything! No! It's mainly because whenever I'm near you, I feel happy...but this happiness is different from how I feel when I'm around my sister, Gin-san, Kagura-chan, or even Otsu-chan. I idolize and appreciate her, and I feel these too when I'm with you. But the difference is...the difference is that I see your flaws, your strong points, and I sound like I know you, but I really don't. And I'd like to, but I understand if you don't feel the same, so please, let's remain friends._

"LIKE HELL THAT'S GONNA WORK!" Shinpachi tore the page out of his diary and cut to shreds with his sword. "Aaah! It's already been two weeks! And I only have two more months to left!"

Shinpachi had been given one month off of his community service thanks to his major help in the missiles cult case. That meant that he needed to finish five months and three months had already passed.

There was a knock on his shoji door, and Yamazaki called out that it was him. Shinpachi let him in. "Hey Shinpachi, how is your courage to confess coming along." He somewhat teased.

The megane became slightly teary eyed as he replied, "I'm hopeless. I can't think of the best way to tell him! And worse, now that I admit to myself that I'm in love with him, I become a school girl when he's around!" Actually, he acted like he usually did around Hijikata, but the inner Shinpachi was prancing along happily in his heart as he complimented the older samurai endlessly.

"Have you told boss and Kagura-chan?"

"Are you kidding me?! If they knew, they'd do something that'd keep me here forever! Or worse! Indirectly tell Hijikata or TELL him, and I don't want him to hate me if they do something even stupider!" Shinpachi hugged his pillow for dear life. His chest clenched at the thought of his unrequited love being crushed into dust once Hijikata can't stand the sight of him.

Yamazaki made a thoughtful sigh. "It's hard to imagine vice chief ever hating you. Maybe find you infuriating at times when you hang out with those troublesome two, but something like hate is impossible."

"How are you so sure?" Shinpachi dropped his pillow and stood up. His break was almost ending.

"The vice chief isn't a fickle person." The spy approached him. Shinpachi knew he was right, and felt emotionally exhausted from being anxious for the last two weeks. He held onto Yamazaki for support. He breathed in the man's scent since his cologne smelled nice, and then withdrew with a content smile. "Thanks Yamazaki-san."

"No problem."

Then the door slid open. "Hey Shinpachi-kun. I was wonde-" Kondo paused at the sight of Yamazaki who had his arms wrapped around Shinpachi's waist, and the teen had his hands on the man's chest. "Excuse me. I saw nothing."

"WAIT! IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!" Both men cried out.

._._._.

 **"I'm worried about Shinpachi. Lately he has this face that tells me that he wants to tell me something. I've asked him about it, but he told me that it nothing. Just that there's a lot that he'd like to talk to me about."**

Hijikata felt his cheeks get a bit warm there. He's been happier than he thought he was when Shinpachi avoided him. To be this close to him, and be happy, he thought that he may be just happy that he had a willing, smart, thoughtful, hard-working, and close subordinate that wasn't trying too hard like Tetsu.

He's definitely looking forward to seeing Shinpachi. After the missiles cult case, Shinpachi decided to work with him again.

He inhaled his mayonnaise smoke in his office, and then blew out the sweet scent with a content smile.

"What's with that blissful smile? It's disgusting on your face." Sougo commented while he sat in front of Hijikata, and place a mayonnaise cake on his desk. "It's ruining the wrinkles between your brows."

"Who has wrinkles where?!" Hijikata roared and accepted the cake with thanks. "And what shit are you talking about now?"

"You were smiling and you haven't killed anyone. Have you gone senile. You are in your thir-"

"That's still to young." The older officer growled. "Besides, is it really that strange?"

"It's like the sign of an apocalypse."

"I'll send you there right now."

"Anyway, what are you so happy about?"

"That's none of your business." Hijikata put his cigarette out, and then took the plastic knife and fork that was provided. He took a bite, and at first it was delicious, but then like the many times he forgot, his mouth began to sizzle inside until he was bursting out of his office to drink the pond water outside.

"Hijikata-san!" Shinpachi was on his way to his office, but now he needed to make sure his boss was okay. "Don't drink that! You'll get sick!"

The man couldn't hear him since his entire head was in the pond.

Tetsu stared at the scene with a face of innocence, but he was well aware that there had been a chemistry floating in and out of the office. "Those two seem to get along really well lately, huh, Okita-san."

The sadist just shrugged and got up to leave since he had his fun. Besides, it wasn't hard to know what made that devil smile.

Hijikata came back up. His mouth was still burning, but less than before. He breathed in which only stung him.

"Hijikata-san, are you okay?!"

The man shook himself to regain his senses, and then was greeted by Shinpachi's concerned expression. "Uh yeah." he sniffed and then cleared his throat. "Sougo was just playing one of his tricks again."

Shinpachi didn't comment on these 'tricks'. Instead he smiled in relief, "That's good to know, but your mouth must be burning. You should drink milk to feel better, but you may get sick anyway since you drank pond water."

Hijikata couldn't say no to that caring smile. Before he could, but this smile was different. It just reeled him in like a fish that looked like a pig with Hijikata's hair on a hook like. "WAIT! WHY IS THE FISH A PIG?!" Then he realized that he acted weird. He quickly regained his coolness which only made him appear more of a dork, but Shinpachi didn't comment. "I mean, ah. You're right, but I'll be fine." He tried, but then Shinpachi urged him a little, "Neh, neh, you need to take better care of your body. Tetsu and I can handle things. It will only be a short while after all."

Hijikata felt defeated when he gave that smile again. He mentally cursed before agreeing, and felt himself get reeled out of the water when Shinpachi gave him a bigger, happier smile. He didn't know why, but he was walking like a stumbling fool.

The rest of the day went normally. Well...as normally as Hijikata and Shinpachi thought it to be, but the rest of the shinsengumi, even Tetsu and Kondo began noticing something off between them.

Morning, the usual routine of breakfast and then a brief meeting, but then afterwards, Shinpachi gives his compliments and words of encouragement for the rest of the day. Hijikata always smile at him while giving the same things. Everyone feels like they are watching a couple where the man has to go to work while the others stays home to take care of the house. They were all waiting for the two to share a goodbye kiss every morning.

Afternoon, lunch happens, and Shinpachi had prepared a lunch of his own since he was allowed to go into the kitchen whenever he wanted to, and for some reason, also prepared Hijikata's lunch. He also prepares a lunch box for Tetsu, but the co-assistant had a faint feeling that he was the couple's child because he's just eating at the office while listening to the two talk about random things with a tone that somehow made people see flowers blooming around them.

Night, Shinpachi gives his compliments and appreciation for the hard work. Hijikata does the same. Nothing special...

"BUT WHAT'S WITH THIS ATMOSPHERE?!" the shinsengumi men cried out.

"THEY'RE SO AFFECTIONATE THAT IT'S MAKING ME JEALOUS!"

"WHY CAN'T ME AND MY WIFE BE LIKE THAT EVERYDAY!"

"HE EVEN MAKES HIM LUNCH!"

"WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT IN THE MORNING! FOOD AND LOVELY IDLE CHATTER IN THE AFTERNOON, AND THEN A SWEET GOODNIGHT WITH A LOVING SMILE! WHY IS SHINPACHI SO SIMPLE YET HE SEEMS TO BE GLOWING LIKE A SCHOOL GIRL IN LOVE!"

"SHUT UP!" Hijikata flied kicked all their heads. "I don't know what you're yelling about, and I don't give a damn! Get back to training!" He yelled at the swordsmen who continued to strike their swords through the air.

When they settled down, he turned to his commander who was the one in charge of watching over them. "Kon-" He paused when he saw his old friend immersed in a depressing, dark atmosphere with shadowed eyes and a grim frown on his face.

"Hey, Toshi..." He said with a tone of utter gloom and despair. "You and Shinpachi have been getting along pretty well compared to me and Otae-chan. Mind sharing that loving atmosphere with me?"

"WHAT LOVING ATMOSPHERE CRAP ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! SHINPACHI AND I ARE ONLY COMRADES!"

"Hijikata-san!" Shinpachi entered with a bright smile like a wife calling for her adoring husband.

"Ah, yes, Shinpachi." Hijikata faced him with a shy smile as if they were new love birds.

"Director Matsudaira is here to see you. He told me that it was urgent business."

Hijikata was upset by that. He knew what the old man could want. He gave out a resigned sigh, "I'll be right there. Come on, Shinpachi. Keep working hard, Kondou-san. Everyone."

The two exited. The rest replied as if they were on the verge of collapsing emotionally, "Yes sir."

._._._.

"Sorry Toushi, but I can't let this go on for long."

"What are you talking about now, old man?" Hijikata reluctantly inquired. He knew what this was.

The god of destruction answered, "You being unmarried. It's sad enough that your commander is still single, you almost married a guy. You think I wouldn't figure that out, and that you're not married yet, eh?"

"You made your own stupid assumptions." Hijikata grumbled.

"I'm not against that sort of love, but if you're not planning on marrying him, then I set up an omiai for you next month."

"OI! Don't go planning for other people! You're not my father!"

"Ah, but I am your director, and as your director, I like to see my men on top be married because if I had to get married, then you should, too. It's good for the reputation of the shinsengumi. Family men in the higher ups."

"Then just please focus on Kondou-san!" Hijikata practically begged, but the man wasn't understanding him.

"So see you by then, Toushi." The possibly-senile-old man walked away.

Hijikata sighed roughly, and figured that he should just play the man's games. The only way to avoid this was if he did get married or at least a pretend girlfriend, but how long can he pull that off, and who would he even consider.

That old man thought that he was going to marry Shinpachi. Well, the teen did come at the most convenient time on his birthday, and he didn't look bad, but he wouldn't want Shinpachi to wear a wedding dress. He would look good enough in a black kimono and perhaps a navy blue tux with a bow for the reception.

Shinpachi wouldn't be a bad husband. He's always thoughtful, makes good food unlike his older sister, and has good cleaning skills. Aaah, but he doesn't want to keep him like a househusband. The yorozuya were a terrible bunch on a normal day, but they need his husband to keep themselves in proper order and have someone to be the straight man to their jokes or else their protagonist will lose his mind since the role seems to shift to him when he's gone.

Shinpachi would tell him that it seemed that on every one of his breaks, they do too much idiot stuff just to get a feel for their straight-man back. Yet, lately they've been acting strange, as if they were suspicious about something, but they were always weird to begin with.

 _"My husband should really consider working here instead...Wait...Eh...my...my husband?"_ Hijikata backtrack on his thoughts, and then realized what he just called Shinpachi. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEH?! No! I didn't mean it like that! I meant it as an-an-an example! N-no way I want him as my..." Hijikata imagined it.

He imagined himself waking up in the morning next to a sleepy Shinpachi who gets up with him, and they take turn making breakfast. Ah, but he should know to make dishes without too much mayo. Shinpachi told him that he may like it, but others can't like it as much since not everyone's body can handle all that he takes. Then when he goes to work, he'll have a special note on the bento box that Shinpachi made for his lunch.

"Wait! I shouldn't be thinking about these sort of things!" Hijikata marched out of the room, quietly blaming it for his strange behavior.

 **"There is no way I want to marry Shinpachi! We're just friends! And he's into that Otsu girl, and he's in love with someone in the shinsengumi! There's no way it was me! Absolutely not!"**

"Hijikata, here's your lunch. Kondou-san needs me to help him with some decisions, so please excuse me." Shinpachi placed the bento on the table, and excused himself from the room after giving Tetsu his bento.

The man put his journal aside to eat, but then he noticed a sticky not on his bento cover. It stated, 'You can do your best! Have a good rest of your day. -Shinpachi.'

"Oh, he left you a message, Vice chief?" Tetsu said and showed to have no sticky note of his own, but the assistant didn't mind. "It's just like Shinpachi to be mindful of you."

"Uh, yeah..." Hijikata felt his cheeks and chest warm up at the sight off the note that looked to have been carefully written so the Japanese characters could be read. So this is what it would feel like to have his husband leave a note of encouragement on his bento lunch box... "ARGH! THIS IS NOT THE FEELING!" He bashed his head against a hard wall until the collision began to break one of the hard places.

"VICE CHIEF?!" Tetsu cried out!

So on after getting his head wrapped with bandages, Hijikata seriously thought on his feelings.

 **"WHY THE FUCK DO I FEEL THIS WAY?! MY HEART GOES THUMPA-THUMP! MY FACE FEELS HOT UNNATURALLY! IT FEELS SO GOOD WHEN I SMILE CUZ OF HIM! I HAVE BEEN TOO DAMN HAPPY THESE LAST FEW WEEKS! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!"**

Yamazaki saw him scribbling away in his journal at his office. The spy gave him a pity sigh before moving on with the rest of his day.

Unknown to the two of them and the rest of the shinsengumi, two nosy people were sneaking around the headquarters. Gintoki and Kagura decided to act on their plan tonight. They could have done it sooner, but they were distracted by Gintoki's sudden good luck in pachinko and gambling for a few weeks that they have been busy with filling their stomachs and doing stuff only people with money could do.

Now that that luck had run out, they had nothing else to do, but possibly either save or humiliate Shinpachi. Either way is fine.

When night fell, they were to act.

._._._.

Hijikata could not fall asleep on his futon. He was too busy thinking about Shinpachi. He kept arguing with himself for hours of whether he should have the megane pretend to be his lover. Shinpachi was sure to be not weird out by the request. They were close friends, and friends help each other out.

He decided to get his journal and lit a candle, so he could write his thoughts out.

 **"I am in the middle of a dilemma. I do not want to attend the omiai that the senile old man had scheduled for me, and an easy escape route out of this is to make Shinpachi my pretend lover since he is the most reasonable choice for this ruse. We only have to date until he finds someone suitable for him. Perhaps that guy he loves in the shinsengumi. It still pisses me off that there was someone within this place who Shinpachi had fallen for. Like I said before, I trust my men as officers, but not as men of romance. Not even myself. If Shinpachi were to be in love with me, then I will have to tell him immediately that our relationship could never work. I am the least of all the men in this headquarters who is suited to be a lover.**

 **Shinpachi, I would turn you away even if I was in love with you."  
**

"AAAAAAAAAH!" A scream ripped through the entire shinsengumi.

Everyone got up and ran towards the scream, and were met with an unfortunate naked Kondo with grey jello slathered all over him.

"Oh, it was just the commander." One of them said, and they all looked a bit disappointed by this.

Nobody questioned why Kondo was like this. Not even the newbies. This was pretty much normal for Kondo's standards of a human being.

"Wait there are shoe prints!" One of them pointed at the jello that had prints that came from two set of boots.

Suddenly the lights around them flickered until they completely shot off, and there was an explosion at the electrical room. There were sounds of two females and one man screaming.

"What was that?" Everyone was confused, and then almost leaped out of their souls when a perturbing creature covered in flames came lunging at them with its bizarre, erratic howling.

They all ran away from the deranged monster, but then at the other end of the hallway, another burning monster riding on a burning white fur dragon came charging at them. They all tried the third hall, but a gorilla on fire came growling and grunting towards them. They all ran over Kondou's body to get through the doors that led outside, and then tried to make a run for it.

They all scattered to save themselves, but then Hijikata ordered them to stand their ground and put out their swords. The samurai just remembered their weapons and withdrew them. However, when the three monsters leaped up at them in a blaze of fire, they all fled for their lives.

The three monsters landed into the pond, and then sprang out to reveal that they were Sadaharu, Gintoki, Kagura, and Otae.

"Oi! I told you to not do anything stupid!" Gintoki shouted at Kagura.

"I didn't think that it would blow up, aru! You should know better than to make sweet, innocent girls play with electrical wires!" The amanto defended herself. Sadaharu barked, which sounded like he was backing her up, but he was actually agreeing with Gintoki.

Otae yelled, "This isn't the time to fight among each other! We were supposed to just shut off the power after knocking out the guards and sealing all the exits so none of these bastards escaped! We will find the piece of shit who dared to steal my cute little Shin-chan's heart!"

"And I told you that that's idiotic! It's hard to tell whether you have a brother complex or not! Which is it?!" Gintoki yelled, really wanting to know whether Otae really loved her brother or not because she was really hard to read!

Sadaharu barked that he wanted to go home, but Kagura translated it as, "Sadaharu is right! We can't go home yet! We need to protect Shinpachi's anal virginity! We already knew that it would be risky leaving him here in a zoo of dirty men, but now we need to take him back!" Sadaharu barked about the tax paying community service hours, but that issue was already forgotten by them since its been 3 months.

Otae pointed out, "The plan was to scare them all into one room, but it looks like we will need to have to lure them out and lock them into one room. From there, we can scare them into sacrificing Shinpachi to us. And then due to me luckily winning tickets to a trip to the planet of Jifi, the five of us can stay there until Shinpachi's community hours are forgotten by the shinsengumi!"

Sadaharu barked about how the shinsengumi really forgets all the crap they pulled since there's so much, but after a while, and after some sort of compassionate event, their crimes are forgotten. They are all lucky, sinful bastards.

While they were planning, Hijikata and Shinpachi found themselves alone within the broom closet. The vice chief had pulled the teen in with him despite it being a tight squeeze, and now their bodies were pressed together. Shinpachi was facing away from Hijikata while the man's arms were wrapped around him and his torso and crotch was against Shinpachi's back.

They both remained very still in there until the sounds of men running around had completely dissolved, and there were no one that Hijikata could see through the slits of the closet. "It looks like the coast is clear."

"But is it safe to exit? There are four of them out there, and they could be amantos."

"We have no choice. The shinsengumi has criminal files and evidence. If they get their hands on that, our work to take down some really dangerous criminals could go down the drain."

"That's true. We should probably find a few of our comrades first so we can have a better chance against them." Shinpachi suggested.

Hijikata agreed. "Good idea. Let's do it." He tried to push the door open, but it wouldn't budge. He tried again. Each time was a harder push until the door sounded like thick, shattering glass.

"Is something wrong, Hijikata-san?" Shinpachi inquired worriedly.

"I don't know! It won't o-" The officer wished he hadn't pushed that hundredth time because now the closet was tilting.

"AAAH!" Shinpachi screamed when the whole closet came clashing down. Now, everything was dark, and they were trapped! "Hijikata-san, we're stuck!"

"I know that! Maybe we can use our sword to cut our way through!"

"Not when we're like this! The space is too narrow! You might cut me!"

"Tch! Then we have no chance of getting out until someone find us. I just hope that Sougo or Kondou-san can take care of them before those bastards mess with our work." Hijikata prayed REALLY HARD!

Shinpachi prayed too, but he was more concern by his situation right now! He was stuck body to body with Hijikata! He can feel the samurai's crotch against his ass, and he likes it! But this was an inappropriate time to like his crush's crotch rubbing against his ass in an enclosed place in the dark. It felt so ironic that he had a small bottle of lotion in his pocket! Too many yaoi manga moments rushed into his head, and he began to feel himself get hard! Damn his virgin body!

"Shinpachi?" Hijikata said. His warm breath could be felt on the teen's neck.

"Yes?" He played it cool.

"Are you alright? It is pretty cramped in here."

"I'm okay." He said, reassuring. "It is cramped, but I am comfortable."

"But your shoulder must feel strained. Here. You can lie on my arm. Get us both comfortable." Hijikata moved his arm underneath Shinpachi's head and then bent it so the teen could lie on his bicep while he lied on his fits.

Shinpachi did feel comfortable being able to use Hijikata's beefy bicep as his pillow. He admired it as a man and loved it as a freak who wanted to sniff it because there was a nice aroma coming off of the man's arm for some reason.

Unknown to him, Hijikata was already breathing in the smell of the shampoo in his hair. There was a nice green tea smell in his hair along with his natural scent that added a sweetness to the fragrance, but there was also an unidentifiable earthy smell that Hijikata couldn't identify as anything other than it was Shinpachi's.

The two of them were silent because they were too busy taking in each other's body. The warmth that was radiating off of each other through their thin pajamas, and the shape that they could only make out by their touch. It was strange to have Hijikata have one arm around Shinpachi in such a position, but i also felt strangely natural and comfortable, too.

Then, "Ah crap. I need to use the restroom." Hijikata cursed.

Shinpachi felt goosebumps at the confession! "Eh?! Seriously?! Can you hold it in?"

"For a few hours maybe. Hopefully they'll find us by then."

"I sure hope so! I don't want to lie in a puddle of your piss!"

"I told you that I'll hold it in, so shut up! And stop wiggling your ass against my crotch!"

"I'm not wiggling my ass against your crotch! Your the one moving!"

"Haaaa? Why would I be rubbing my crotch against your skinny ass!"

"I don't know! You're the one doing it!"

"I ain't doing anything! If I was rubbing my crotch against your ass, then I bet you'd like that!"

 _You have no idea._

Shinpachi would write later, but right now he denied, "NO, I WOULDN'T! Just because I'm bi doesn't mean that I like just any man rubbing against me! Especially someone who eats gallons of mayonnaise for a living!"

"What do you seriously have against mayonnaise! Fine! Even if I were to fall for a stupid megane otaku like you, I wouldn't even get aroused by your girlish frame."

"Girlish?! What's so girly about my body?! I have muscles!"

"So does your sister, but hers is much more impressive than yours! She's a beast compared to a dainty man like you!"

"What did you say about my sister?! She's definitely stronger than I am, but she's more womanly than you are manly!"

"Ha! I'll believe that when she marries Kondou-san!"

"That's never gonna happen! I rather she married Kyuubei-san even after all the stuff we went through in season 2!"

"Seriously?! What do you have against Kondou-san?!"

"I don't like guys who are terrible with women! You'd think after two years, he'd stop his stalking! At this point, I'm always disgusted with myself of getting used to it!"

"Just accept getting used to it! It gives me a reason to visit you whenever!"

"You can visit me like a normal person, you know! Do you need any other reason than you wanting to see me?! Or do you want an excuse for being seen with a stupid megane otaku like me?!"

"He-Hey! That's not what I meant!" Hijikata reasoned, "I'd like to see you whenever I want, but I enjoy that I can do it even in the middle of work! Everyday is always hectic that seeing you in the middle of them has been my asylum..."

Shinpachi froze in place with his eyes wide opened. He couldn't help feeling incredibly happy, but also guilty for what he said. "Really?"

"Is this something I would lie about?" The older, more opened man inquired.

Shinpachi didn't hesitate to answer. In the darkness held such a gentle smile. "No. I'm sorry for saying what I said."

"No. I shouldn't have called you a stupid megane otaku. Sorry about that."

"Well, only two of those things are true, so you're forgiven. And that makes four." Shinpachi teased.

"I thought I told you to stop counting!" Hijikata felt an angry mark on his forehead as his hands moved for revenge. His fingers got under Shinpachi's shirt and he began tickling him.

"HI-HIJIKATA-SAN! DO-DON'T TICKLE ME!" Shinpachi tried to stop the hands, but Hijikata was stronger than him! He couldn't stop himself from laughing once the man got his fingers on his side. He tried to wiggle away from the feathery fingers, but that just made it worse! "PLEA-PLEASE STOP! I-I PROMISE I WON'T COUNT AGAIN! HIJIKATA-SAN!"

The man stopped. Satisfied that he won. "You promise?"

"What are you? A little ki-Hahahaha! I promise! I promise!"

Hijikata stopped, and then pulled his hands away. He rearranged his arm to make Shinpachi comfortable again. He had his other arm wrapped around him and engulfed a whiff of the sweet, natural tea smelling hair.

Shinpachi just enjoyed the feel of Hijikata's bicep and his beating heart against his back. Though he wondered if it was his pounding heart that he felt. Then the teen joked, "I should have you arrested for sexual harassment. Who goes inside the shirt to tickle them?"

"Don't get mad because you lost."

Shinpachi snorted. "The only thing I lost was my privacy. I feel so invaded. Kondou-san, you need to reprimand this man!" He played around.

Hijikata snorted, "You are so weird."

"That's like the pot calling the kettle black." The teen amusingly pointed out. Then he asked out of curiosity, "I've been hearing around that Matsudaira-san had set you up in an omiai."

Hijikata felt his good mood almost got stomped on. He replied, "Yeah, that old man wants me to get married since I'm in my thirties now. I'm only going to participate just so he can get off my back for a while."

"But what if he sets you up with his daughter, Kuriko-chan? Do you think she still thinks you're a mayo-prince?" Shinpachi asked curiously, but then the thought that Hijikata could be taken made him feel a faint need to stop, but he felt too awkward to stop the conversation.

Hijikata didn't want to talk about the girl who should be turning19 this year. "I'd still turn it down. I don't need a marriage, much less want it. Men like me can't make a woman like her happy."

"It's not a man's job to make her happy." Shinpachi blurted out without thinking. He quickly tried to recover. He thought that it was shameful to go against his words, so he rolled with it, hoping it'd get him somewhere profound. "I mean that it's good to be happy in a marriage, but it's not happiness that pulls a marriage through. It's not sex or a person's conscience. It's their love. You can't always make her happy, but if the two of you learned to fall in love, and get through the honey moon phrase, then perhaps you might get into fights, but maybe...she would be glad that she went through these fights and these arguments, and those rough times with you because love only becomes stronger through them. And once everything is settled, and peaceful, instead of boredom, there is content."

Hijikata liked those bitter honeyed words, but he still stubbornly held onto his own ideals. "Is that what you want for yourself?"

"A marriage filled with turmoil and love. Yes. Life is already hard. I might as well be having a war with and next to the person I love with everyone else. The only difference between my lover and every one else I love is that we share a bed, and he's the only one I want in it."

"Him?" Hijikata questioned as he took another sniff of that tea scented hair. That smell seemed to increase in value to him. Even if Shinpachi was within this dark, enclosed place with only him in it, he felt the teen slip away from him. He wrapped his arm a little more firmly around Shinpachi to feel him there.

Shinpachi was distracted by his thoughts to noticed the tightened arm. "Yeah. I'm really liking this one guy."

Hijikata froze at his spot. Shinpachi was confessing to him without being drunk. "It's not someone from in the shinsengumi, right?" He cautiously questioned.

Shinpachi felt a false sense of courage. He carelessly replied, "There is no rule that I can't like someone; only that I can't date him." Hijikata couldn't say another word, and he didn't want Shinpachi to speak another word, but he was too curious when he began to describe, "He's a really nice guy. He's incredibly rough around the edges, but he's an amazing samurai. I only ever saw him as a friend who I loved to see any time of the day, but not when he had to arrest me and Gin-san and Kagura-chan. I always thought that falling in love is supposed to be spontaneous with someone new, but turns out it can also be hidden until the world ceases just for a second, and I saw a new side of myself that I never explored. And it led me to falling for him. I thought I was just being childish at first because I didn't have that many good men to fall for, but I couldn't stop. I tried, but accepting that I was in love was easier."

Hijikata stayed still while Shinpachi was being vague. He softly asked, "What does that mean? Accepting that you're in love was easier?"

Shinpachi thoughtfully answered, "What I meant by that was that as much as I want to let go of my feelings as if it were an infatuation, I couldn't. My eyes would look for him when I believed that he would be near. Before working for the shinsengumi, I always looked forward to him visiting me whenever I was on my day off. When I dream about having se-I mean when I dream about having fun! Fun! Not adult fun! Obviously not that!" Shinpachi really hoped that the man didn't hear the "se-" part. "I-I enjoy it." Shinpachi felt his whole body heat up in embarrassment. He was so glad it was dark.

"And what?" Hijikata inquired. Though a part of him wished he hadn't.

"Huh?" Shinpachi didn't quite catch that.

"What else do you like about him? What makes you so sure you're in love with him?"

Shinpachi understood, and thoughtfully answered again, "You probably wouldn't believe me because of my age and experience, but I can tell the difference between infatuation and love. I can also tell the difference between all types of love that I've experienced. I love anue-e as my sister, and I also love Gin-san and Kagura-chan as part of my family. I love Otsuu, and I never thought I'd ever feel a deeper love than that, but then I realized that I am bisexual, and I fell for him. One of my rules as the captain of Otsuu's fanclub is that I don't fall in love with anyone more than her, but it looks like I've broken that rule. I don't think that it's because of a specific thing about him. I just see him, and I want to do something for him. Whether it was to make him happy, or set him straight." Shinpachi didn't include that he would also like to get naughty under the covers. This boy has goals.

Hijikata still couldn't tell who it was since Shinpachi wouldn't stop being vague. But as a good friend, he reluctantly told him, "You should confess. You're only a temporary officer anyway."

Shinpachi gave a simper to that. "That would be nice, but I already know that he will reject me. I just don't know how to confess so it wouldn't be too awkward for him to reject me."

Hijikata was abhorred by this! He angrily questioned with a growl to his voice, "Why would he reject you?! Is it because he's straight?! But if it's you Shinpachi, you can surely change his mind! You might not have uber sex appeal, but you're one of the most thoughtful, hard working and best men I know! He's bound to fall for you!"

Shinpachi held back a sadistic life behind his grin. He didn't know what convinced him to do what he did. "That's a funny thing you said that because the person I've fallen for is you, Hijikata-san."

Once those words slipped from his lips, the darkness became louder than them.

._._._.

A/N: Shinpachi confessed?! And now it's all dead silence. I wonder what the idiot three and Sadaharu are doing.

Hijikata has a very candid and simple imagination of marriage. Shinpachi has a realistic, yet still sweet view point of marriage.

A spouse's job in a marriage is to not make the other person consistently happy. It's to love them which means that if your love is telling you to try make your lover happy or to set them straight even if it could blow up into a heated argument, then you're doing it right. You can't always make a person happy, but you can let them know you love them in various ways. Send the message for truth! Not for pleasure unless its simple times!

Though other people have different views of what marriage realistically is. This is just the one I chose for Shinpachi.


	10. Commas

A/N: When you're in a group of friends, and two of them get into an unrequited romantic relationship, THINGS ARE AWKWARD.

Chapter 10: No English teacher is the same. The commas prove it.

The entire night was a disaster for Kagura, Gintoki, Otae, and Sadaharu. They tried to find Hijikata and Shinpachi the entire night, but they didn't think to look into the fallen broom closet because it was silent and immobile. Hijikata was too shocked when he finally discovered that he was the one this entire time who Shinpachi had fallen for. Shinpachi expected the silence, but it did little too soften his disappoint. He was in love with Hijikata, and this silence was a far harsher, thorough rejection. Words may have at least bought about a weirder atmosphere to create a light, great awkwardness instead of this heavy, distant awkward one.

Eventually Sougo, Kondo, and some of the other shinsengumi officers were able to capture them when they found the courage. In a few hours, they found Hijikata and Shinpachi. They thought that last night could end in laughs, but then the moment Hijikata and Shinpachi stood out, their was an immediate shift in the air. It was so swift, yet obvious that even Kondou-san couldn't shift its awkwardness with his charming, idiotic smile. He tried but it was easily unwelcomed or dismissed by the unyielding mood.

._._._.

"Seriously you two. I told you that our plan wouldn't work." Otae lightly scolded them while she drank her tea next to Kondo, Sougo and Shinpachi.

Her little brother murmured, "I wouldn't be surprised that you were the one who planned it in the first place." He got off the porch to approach Gintoki and Kagura who were tied upside from a sturdy tree branch. Sadaharu was chained to the wall and his mouth had a muzzle on. "Seriously, you guys. Why did you attack the shinsengumi? I'm lucky that the damages to the place won't add to my hours." It was mostly because Kondo couldn't deny his sister's demand to not let that happen.

Kagura quickly defended herself, "We did it for you, aru! I overheard between you and Mino-chan that one of the shinsengumi pigs had your heart in their filthy claws! As a woman, it's my duty to protect the heart of my virgin megane!" The China dressed girl expected him to get mad at her, but Shinpachi just smiled.

"Is that the reason?" he said as if he was speaking to a child who didn't understand any better. "It's alright, Kagura-chan. There was nothing to worry about."

Nobody said a word to that. Not even Gintoki who just looked at him lazily from the corner of his eye. They all had no right to meddle when there was nothing to meddle in. Only Shinpachi could do anything.

The teen was too preoccupied in his thoughts and feelings to notice their discomfort. He left them to get to the rest of his work. He had already cleared it with Kondo that he wouldn't mind helping Yamazaki on his missions.

The two of them were assigned to stay at a cheap apartment together to spy on someone who could be conspiring with a group of radical jouishishis. Nothing new, but it was a threat to take seriously.

Shinpachi told him everything while he lied on the bed and the spy was taking his turn to watch on the target. Yamazaki summarized, "So you finally confessed to him, and the vice chief said nothing? That's not like him. I guess the shock must be from the fact that he's been trying to track down who you fell for."

"What?" Shinpachi asked softly. He was slowly coming out of his mild depression.

"I didn't tell you this because I didn't want you to be defensive around vice chief, but on the first month you worked for us, somehow Hijikata learned that you were in love with someone. He's been trying to find out who, and he just learned that it was him after three months of going in circles on this private investigation."

"What?!" Shinpachi abruptly sat up! He couldn't believe this! Hijikata knew that he was in love with someone! "Is that why he acted weird those other times?!"

"Other times?" Yamazaki was absent for a majority of the months, so he didn't know the whole story.

"Ah, nothing. Just...what am I supposed to take from his shock? Tell me honestly, Yamazaki-san. Do I even have the slightest chance?"

Yamazaki sighed. He took an anpan from his plastic bag, tore its plastic containment, and then took a resigned bite. "I can't give you a yes or no answer, but it's most likely that he will reject you. But...it's not because of you. Vice chief had went through many traumatizing and harsh events in his past. He was once in love with Captain Okita's older sister, Okita Mitsuba. I don't know the whole story, but what I do know is that she was also in love with him. Big sister* had raised Captain Okita on her own before meeting the commander and vice chief. She was an incredible woman who worked hard to take care of her little brother that she developed an illness. Despite that, she wanted to go to the city with us, but only if vice chief requited her love. But in the end, he didn't. I was not told why, but knowing the vice chief the way I do, I guess he didn't have enough confidence."

There was a silence that Yamazaki looked away from the target out of worry, but then what he saw was not an even more depressed Shinpachi. Instead he saw a soft smile that made the spy's lips tingle as if they were kissed. "Thank you for telling me that, Yamazaki-san."

 _Dear Diary #110_

 _I love Hijikata-san, but now I know that he already has someone in his heart. Someone beautiful, and the most deserving of him. It's strange to say, but I felt at peace knowing this, and I still do.  
_

 _I selfishly want to be the center of the one I love's world, and Hijikata-san can't provide that for me. That is a deal breaker._

._._._.

At sunset, Gintoki, Sadaharu and Kagura were allowed to leave. However, Kagura remained close to the headquarters so she could face Sougo. The two met in the middle of the street. She had been leaning against a cement wall, and he was simply minding his own business while walking, but stopped once he noticed her.

She inquired, "Was it fun playing with their emotions? You took Shinpachi because you knew of his feelings for Toushi, and now you can't play with them anymore."

Sougo wasn't surprised that she had known as far as he did about Shinpachi's feeling for the mayo-idiot. Yet he playfully acted the bad guy. "What are you talking about? I just didn't want vice chief to start playing hooky like Kondou-san. Someone needs to give out the paychecks."

"..."

"..."

 ** _BASH!_**

The two stupidly strong people had just collided foot with sheathed sword. Kagura back flipped away, and now it was knuckles to knuckles. The two fought while Gintoki was sitting next to Kondo on the porch to drink some sake. They saw the cloud pillow of dust that came from a burst of a brawl.

"Geeze, kids these days don't know how to deal with themselves." The silver samurai complained while his pinkie dug at his ear.

Kondo laughed loudly! "It cannot be helped. Even if Sougo is at that age, he doesn't drink that often and prefers to be sober. But..." The commander looked over to the direction where he thought Hijikata could be in the shinsengumi building. He still felt that awkward tension from this morning. "I never thought I would ever feel this strain. I only felt it once, and to feel it again, I just hope that everything will go well between them."

Gintoki didn't say anything to that. He was also aware that Shinpachi had been in love for some time, but he didn't know who with. He will admit loudly that he was completely dumbfounded to figure out that it was Hijikata, but when he took a moment to calmly think, it made sense. Though he didn't like it. He didn't like the idea of giving Shinpachi away to another man. Even to a man like that smoking-mayo-addict.

When night rose, Kagura and Sougo were done fighting. The two of them were bloody and dirty, but they felt satisfied. The both of them just hated the awkward atmosphere that they needed to beat the hell out of something, and only the two of them were durable enough to withstand each other's blows.

They didn't say another word. Just like a meaningless one night stand, they got up and limped back home.

Gintoki drank his ass off with Kondo like he usually did, and that was it for the night.

Otae had decided to visit Kyuubei since she didn't feel like sleeping alone at her home. Also she needed something to destroy because she hated that her little brother's heat was broken! She could confront Hijikata, but she wanted Shinpachi to tell her the whole story first so she didn't disrupt anything from progressing for the better.

._._._.

 **"Shinpachi is in love with me."**

Hijikata stopped his writing. He was using a lamp to write in his journal while he sucked in an extra cigarette of the day. He knew he needed to control his smoking habits, so he always counted his cigarettes and made sure he didn't smoke more than 15 of them a day. Right now was number 16, but he couldn't enjoy the taste. Instead he was annoyed and killed the fire.

He knew that Shinpachi was working for Yamazaki now, which gave them ample time to remain separated. It would be incredibly awkward if they worked and acted like nothing happened.

However, he was not happy with the arrangement. He needed to talk to him. He needed to make things clear because he didn't say a word before.

 **"I acted like a coward. I was dumbstruck by the confession, but I should've said something. I don't know how I feel about Shinpachi right now, but I do know right now that I don't want us to drift apart any more than now. He's still someone I care for."**

With that written, he felt calmer. He stood up and went on his way to see Shinpachi. He only hoped that the teen won't hate him.

At the apartment, Yamazaki checked the time, and saw that it was Shinpachi's turn to watch. He sleepily got up and walked over to the bed where Shinpachi had fallen asleep. He accidentally bumped against the mattress and fell on the teen. Their foreheads collided.

"Ow! What the hell!" Shinpachi yelled after being rudely awakened.

"Sorry! I slipped!" Yamazaki apologized. He got on his hands and knees on top of him.

The shoji doors were slid opened. "Oi, Yamazaki. Shi-" Hijikata stopped when he saw the positions the two males were in. Both of them were wearing yukatas sloppily, so their chests were exposed, and also, their faces were red with messy hair.

All three of them were aware of the type of misunderstanding this could lead to. Yamazaki tried to say something, but he was vehemently kicked on the face with a powerful enough blow to clash against a wall.

"Yamazaki-san! Hijikata-san, that was too much! Even for you!"

"Sorry. It was on instinct because if the two of you were doing what I thought you were doing, then I would have the two of you commit seppuku right now." The man growled ominously. And then asked Yamazaki, "You're fine right?"

The oldest samurai held his pained face with more bumps than usual. "Uh, yeah. It'll only be a bruise that will need some ice."

"I'll go get you some!" Shinpachi fixed his yukata while he walked out in haste. Hijikata followed him after telling him to continue doing a good job.

Yamazaki sighed. He was wide awake, so he went back to work.

Shinpachi was more worried about Yamazaki than he was about being alone with Hijikata on the streets. The yorozuya was a few minutes away, so that old bartender hag could provide some ice or an ice pack. Hijikata was well aware that he was almost being ignored, which would've pissed him off, but he liked this side of Shinpachi. The side that cares openly, even if it labeled him as a fool. The teen just did it because it felt right.

After getting the ice, the two walked back, but a little faster since the ice melts on the way. When they reached there, Shinpachi made sure Yamazaki was comfortable while placing the ice on his swollen forehead. The exchange between the two plain guys were so simple and sweet that Hijikata felt bored and slightly jealous by it, but he only thought that he felt subtracted from the moment.

When that was over, Shinpachi pulled the smoker out of the room. "Hijikata-san, I need to talk to you."

"About last night?" Hijikata acted a bit slow in the moment. He came here for that reason alone, but he came without a real plan in mind. Yet, he didn't mind that Shinpachi was taking the lead.

The otaku nodded. "I don't want to sound like someone who looks down on you, or is bitter against you. I understand that you don't believe in love nor want to be in that sort of relationship with me. I just had to tell you, so we can remain friends."

"Remain friends?"

Shinpachi hurriedly explained before the man could make any assumptions. "These last three months, I've been trying to avoid you and treated you awfully just to save myself from falling for you, but in the same time, I made you feel guilty and confused. Now that you know how I feel, I want you to also know that when you give me your answer, I won't be mad or hurt. I just don't want there to be any secrets like this getting in between us, and I want to remain friends, so when you come over, I can serve you and maybe even your special someone mayonnaise tea with my special someone."

Hijikata always saw Shinpachi as a mature, young man, and once again he saw that maturity. He understood what Shinpachi was saying, and he, despite a pestering feeling and thought inside him, complied. "I would like that."

The next day, Kondo and Sougo noticed the change of atmosphere between Hijikata and Shinpachi. It wasn't the same atmosphere before the awkward cloud, but it was close nonetheless, so they accepted it and moved on with them. Kondo continued to annoy the hell out of Shinpachi with him stalking his sister, and Sougo injuring Hijikata at whatever chance he felt like taking. Yamazaki continued his job as a spy, having already known that Shinpachi working with him wouldn't have lasted at all.

On the night before Shinpachi's day off, the teen went home for the night. Otae was working, so he was all alone at the house. He took out his diary and wrote.

 _Hijikata-san and I patched things up between us. Now I feel both relieved and as if I had betrayed myself. I am fine with being friends, but even though we talked things through, I still have these feelings. I only hope that these feelings will pass away as if they were nothing more than an embarrassing memory, and not a painful experience.  
_

While he wrote away, Hijikata was doing the same at his room. He hadn't had the time to write in his journal since work piled up and he didn't know what to write about without feeling tremendously awkward about it.

 **"Aaaah, I rejected Shinpachi in the end, and yet my heart and my mind are restless. My cigarettes and bottles of mayonnaise does nothing to help me. Do I feel this way because I feel guilty for hurting Shinpachi? But I shouldn't date him out of pity. A part of me wants to end his community hours so we can give each other space to move on from this awkwardness. No matter what, I don't want our friendship to be jeopardized."  
**

The both of them sighed.

._._._.

"Eh? Fishing?" Shinpachi rose an eyebrow at the sudden invitation from both Gintoki and Kagura. He was currently sitting at the yorozuya sipping his tea after doing the chores.

"Yeah," Gintoki was sitting at his office chair facing the window. He spoke with an exhausted voice as if the task was too bothersome. "An old man came in and told us that his boys got sick by some really bad sushi that they ate at a host club. They were showing off their skills to the women, and one of them had forced them to eat one she made. Something about burnt eggs..."

Shinpachi didn't have to ask what host club or which hostess.

"How about it Shinpachi?!" Kagura asked excitedly. "We're not bringing the madao with us, so we're definitely gonna get a catch! They promise us free sushi, aru!"

"Free sushi? That sounds nice. Is our employer expecting us soon?"

"In an hour, so you better get everything ready, Patsuan. Kagura and I already did a lot of work while you were gone." He yawned and decided to take a short nap.

"Yes, yes." Shinpachi went to get everything that was necessary for a fishing trip. The equipment will be provided, but it's good to bring their own snacks and sunscreen.

When he exit the room, Kagura and Gintoki stared at the door that their megane closed behind him. They looked at each other, and then Gintoki looked away to continue his nap.

Kagura looked down at her tapping feet. "Hey, Gin-chan."

"Mmm?"

"Will Shinpachi be okay?"

"What are you talking about? Is he sick?"

"You know what I mean! Shinpachi is acting okay right in front of us, but what if he's thinking dark, depressing thoughts like all those rejected boys I see in yaoi!"

Gintoki said nothing to the yaoi part. He instead replied, "You forget that Patsuan had been rejected before, and he even had his heart fooled many times. He can take care of himself."

"But this is different! It's with someone we know." Kagura hated the awkwardness that was building in her. Things would feel better if she could just hate the person Shinpachi fell for, but that only built up more awkwardness. She couldn't bring herself to hate someone she knew was not really a bad guy.

"Shinpachi already knew he was going to be rejected." Gintoki told her as a matter of fact. "We all know the type of man that guy is. Shinpachi must've confessed because he couldn't stand lying to him or himself." The samurai remembered the night he found Shinpachi crying because of an argument he had with Hijikata. He could tell that Shinpachi did the right thing by confessing, otherwise, he would be alone in the pain and anxiety he felt.

Kagura knew all that. She just wanted to hear it. She hugged Sadaharu who was sleeping on the floor. They waited until it was time to leave.

._._._.

"A monster in the water?" Hijikata stared at his commander with a dull stare of confusion.

Kondo nodded, "They thought that it was a normal beast like a shark or a whale toppling over boats and ships, but then one of the ships was able to be recovered and security camera footage from that ship showed that the ship was not destroyed by a mindless beast but an amanto that must've crash landed in the sea."

"But Kondou-san," Sougo told him, "The shinsengumi don't swim."

"We were put in charge of putting this monster away. The government had already provided expert divers who can take down the beast, but if it were to get on our boat, we shinsengumi will be prepared to take it down. Any further questions?"

His two subordinates and dear friends looked at each and then at him. No further questions.

._._._.

"Shin-chan!"

"Minoru-san?!" The megane swordsman was hugged by his childhood friend. "What are you doing here?!"

"My uncle was the one who hired you guys, and he's forcing me to go fishing to make up for the lack of men, so I figured that I'd have him hire you three, so I won't be bored!" The choreographer told him. Apparently anyone could fish for his uncle.

"What happened to Bigridio-kun?"

"Ah, my boyfriend had to head home for a while. Something about his sister going through a divorce, and apparently its a custom for the older brother to fight a battle with her soon-to-be-ex husband to establish honor upon his family."

That sounded cool, but why the older brother? Shinpachi didn't bother to inquire. Instead he just welcomed Minoru to his free time, and the four of them went on the boat. Apparently, Minoru knew how to drive one.

When they were at the right position, Shinpachi found himself at one corner sitting next to Minoru while the other two were at the farthest opposite corner.

His childhood friend informed him, "I've been told about what happened by Kagura-chan. She was worried about you, and thought since I have experience with being gay, that I could help you."

"You don't need to." Shinpachi was a tiny bit peeved by Kagura talking about him, but he knew he needed help.

"I totally want to do this." His friend reassured him. "So you got rejected by a close friend, and now everyone feels awkward, right?"

"Uh...yeah."

"Can't be helped. Falling for a friend within your circle of closest friends is practically taboo because when you do, and it does not go right, everyone will be forced to pick a side."

"Why would they be forced to pick a side?"

"It's how people are. But in your case, nobody has to since he rejected you gently, but that just makes everything more awkward. Your friends want you to feel better Shinpachi, and it's usually done by hating or helping you forget the guy who rejected you."

That was true. Kagura, Gintoki and his sister still hated that cat-girl who stole both his heart and his money. There was also the case of helping him forget other girls who have broken his heart. But this was Hijikata. He can't hate or forget him.

"But I can see you can do neither of those things." Minoru continued, "So what else can you do but live with the fact that you've been rejected and hurt by this guy. Nothing heals it except time."

"Time? I just have to wait for these feelings to go away?"

"Not exactly. Let me give you a reality check. You will always have these feelings for that police guy. You will always be reminded that he doesn't want to be with you. And you will always feel this dull ache, or this 'what if' feeling whenever you see him. Even when you date someone else, you will continue to feel that. Maybe not as strongly as now, but it's annoyingly still there."

"Have you felt that way, Minoru-san?"

"Not at all! But that's because I never fell for a close friend, but I know others who have, and them meeting will always be awkward. I swear that whenever I see those type of people together, I can feel the awkwardness since I know the situation. But after a while of spending time with them, it doesn't matter."

"What do you mean that it doesn't matter?"

"'It doesn't matter' as in the awkwardness is accepted that it becomes not awkward anymore. At some point while you spend time with this police guy, you will begin to accept the hurt and mostly forget the 'what ifs'. I would give you the advice to avoid him for awhile to get your feelings in check, but work is work. Maybe right now, you should just enjoy yourself. Be glad that you and that other guy are apart for while."

Shinpachi sank in the information that he was given. He should enjoy the time he's spending away from Hijikata. If he just learned to full accept his pain and don't look for more from him, then he can shrink away this awkwardness between them, and everyone didn't have to walk on eggshells around him.

After almost half an hour of just fishing, Shinpachi thought he was getting the hang of enjoying his time away from his problem. He was enjoying his time with talking to Minoru. Kagura was complaining about her boredom that she decided to take a swim. Gintoki was sleeping.

It began to feel like a real vacation, but then the boat shook. "What was that?" Shinpachi inquired. Something big had just grazed against the bottom of the boat. It even woke Gintoki from his nap.

Minoru checked the radar. His eyes widened and he ran back out. "Kagura! Get out of the water!"

"Huh?" The amanto didn't understand what the problem was until she was dragged down in the water.

"Gin-san!" Shinpachi cried out to the man who had his sword with him. Gintoki didn't hesitate to leap into the water.

The boat shook again. "What is that?"

"I don't know!" Minoru replied tried to hand onto the door frame of the boat's cabin.

Suddenly a hand grabbed onto the side of the boat. Shinpachi immediately had his sword in his hand and pushed Minoru into the cabin for protection. What came out of the water had the body shape of a man, but the head and scales of a fish with sharp teeth. The sharp fins on his forearms was extended, and with one swift arm movement, it sliced the chairs next to it in half.

Shinpachi felt fortunate that he bought a bladed steel because this was obviously a fight where he had more of a chance being killed. Especially when a second one came on board.

Heading there way, a ship filled with the shinsengumi and expert divers were ready to find the monsters.

Hijikata was just taking a smoke while the others waited to reach their destination. They didn't expect anything serious to happen until one of the men who were watching the radars yelled, "Commander, there's a fishing boat at our location!"

"What?" Kondo took out a pair of binoculars and looked out the window to see a green fishing boat and three mean-looking amantos on board. "It looks like a fishing boat had been hijacked by the ones we're looking to arrest... Huh? Eh?" He took a closer look when he saw someone charge at them. "I-Is that?...Shinpachi?!"

"What?!" Hijikata felt his heart drop at that news. "Let me see!" He took the binoculars. He looked out to see Shinpachi fighting the monsters alone. He couldn't find the other two yorozuyas who should be with him! He then spotted someone coming out of the water. It was Kagura holding onto an unconscious Gintoki. Blood was flowing from her forehead that she couldn't open her other eye. With her Yato strength, she swam back to the boat in seconds, and threw Gintoki into it. She grabbed her umbrella and began to shoot at them, but it looks like they were bulletproof. So she went for the other way, and yelled, "HOME RUN!"

She was able to get one of them off, but then two more got on. It was an invasion!

"Kagura-chan! What happened to Gin-san?!" Shinpachi inquired when the two could finally get their backs together. Minoru had locked the cabin door so he wouldn't get involved in the fight.

"One of them choked him when he freed me from his grip down there. He needs CPR!"

"I know how. Can you give me cover?"

"I will!" She planted her foot and made three of them fly away before two more got on. She protected her boys while Shinpachi tried to revive the silver samurai to help them!

Hijikata quickly went to the controls, and turned on the ships speaker. "OI! YOU ASSHOLES BETTER GET OFF THAT SHIP! WE'RE THE ONES YOU SHOULD BE FACING!"

"Toushi!" Kagura yelled out, relieved to hear that the shinsengumi were on their way!

Sougo took a hold of the microphone. "Aah, but first can you get rid of that pig on that ship. Even if we save her, she's ungrateful and a noisy bitch, so do what you like with her."

"SHUT UP YOU SUPER SADIST!"

The monsters grinned at them and left the ship after they punched the ground which split the ship in half. Both sides sinkinging into the water.

Shinpachi panicked. "Minoru-san is still in there!" He swam to the other side, but the ship was sinking to fast. Luckily, Minoru was able to break the window open with a gun he found, and escape. "Minoru-san!"

"Shinpachi! Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He said weakly. His chest and arm had been cut by the monsters, and the salt water was eating at him.

"Shinpachi!" Kagura noticed him slowly stop trying to stay above water. She went to help him, but Gintoki got to him first. He woke up right before the ship broke in half.

"Oi! Stay awake Patsuan!" The man order him while smacking his face.

"I'm trying. Sorry." He said as he sucked in air. The pain was trying to take his strength away, but he forced himself to fight on so he wasn't a burden to the other two who were injured. Luckily the fishing boat had a rowboat that they could use.

The shinsengumi was able to take care of the monsters in the water because they were equipped with the necessary weapons to take them down with one shot, and had a large, and strong enough fishing net to capture them.

They were also able to take the rowboat aboard and treat everyone's wounds. Kagura was the only one with enough strength to not need a bed. Although one was provided, she wanted to settle a score with a certain sadist.

Hijikata made sure that Shinpachi was bandaged correctly.

"I already told you that I'm fine, Hijikata-san." The young samurai told him with a promising smile. "I'm impressed that you guys were able to apprehend these monsters so fast."

"It's only the start. There seems to be something like a beehive for these monsters that landed on Earth, but nothing to worry about yourself. The shinsengumi were used as test subjects to make sure this method was effective, and then the rest can be handled by another organization."

"That's terrible to hear, but I don't expect anything less from the demon vice chief himself."

Hijikata gave a small smile to that compliment. "It was a team effort." He told him modestly. "And considering your injuries, you won't be able to work for a few days since those fins might have secreted something, so it's best if the doctors checked on you. But because of that, you will have to work a few more days for the shinsengumi to make up for your community hours."

"That's alright. I like working at the shinsengumi, but not forever."

Hijikata understood that. "Oh, and don't worry. I'll clear it with the hospital to give you a single room so we can celebrate your birthday."

"Birthday?" Shinpachi thought about what day it was, and then realized that it was two more day until his birthday! He forgot that he was born on August! "Oh! I forgot! Will you come with a tux on?"

"A tux?" Hijikata didn't understand why.

"I came to your birthday in a wedding dress. It's only appropriate that you came to mine with a tux on." The megane joked.

Hijikata gave a small chuckle to that. "I don't remember making that sort of promise, but if you want me in a tux, I'll wear one."

"Great! Let's just hope that Sarutobi-san doesn't come by in a wedding gown!"

"Wait what?! She better not! It'll just make things awkward!"

Shinpachi lightly laughed. Then the two just smiled at each other.

"HOOOO!" Kagura threw Sougo at Hijikata and they landed on Shinpachi. She jumped on the sadist, and the two continued to brawl. Shinpachi screamed in agony, and Hijikata tried to beat them senseless!

Gintoki just slept through it all, complaining about the ssound.

._._._.

At the hospital, Shinpachi and Gintoki shared a room together since it was more convenient for friends to come over. The teen's birthday became a fun mess in the hospital where Katsura and Elizabeth showed up in disguises from the shinsengumi, but they were discovered. Otae bought a lot of poisonous burnt food that took the memories of more than half the hospital patients. Sarutobi came in as a nurse who ended up injuring Gintoki twice, and for some reason Kagura and her got into a cat fight which harmed the man thrice. When Otose came in, she was able to calm everyone down so they could properly celebrate for a moment. She bought some sake despite the hospital's orders.

"Are you well, Shimura-sama?" Tama politely inquired.

"Mm." The teen nodded. "The doctors said that the sea monsters did poison me, but miraculously, I'm immune unlike the other poor survivors."

"It's all in the Shimura bloodline! Many men in our line of family had shown to be far more resistant to diseases and such!" Otae proudly said!

Kondo nodded. "And someday, our children will-GUAGH!"

Kyuubei effectively knocked him out temporarily. She honorably said, "It must be due to your cooking, Otae-chan. They forge strong men with stronger wills."

"Thank you, Kyuu-chan." Otae was pleased, which made the tomboy samurai blush.

Shinpachi lowly muttered that Kyuubei wasn't wrong, but it's not as pleasant as she made it sound like.

And so everyone continued to celebrate until visiting hours were finally over.

Hijikata gave him a well-meaning smile before leaving.

Shinpachi found peace in that smile. Everything will go back to normal soon. And so he went dutifully asleep.

._._._.

"So he's the one?" A shivering, blue female inquired among a group of other amantos. They were currently looking at a video screen of Shinpachi sleeping. She spitefully commented, "He's ugly, weak, and a man. I told you what type of body I wanted! What about his sister?!"

"His sister meets your requirements, but not every one of them. Do you want to end up in your sorry state again?!" One of them shouted. "Besides, don't worry. We have a plan for this one. There's a reason why we sent the missiles cult and our fish subordinates to Earth after all."

And so after a week of being in the hospital, both Shinpachi and Gintoki were allowed to go home.

The teen enjoyed his last day off from work. He hadn't seen Hijikata for a week, and felt like he could face him tomorrow without trouble.

However at night, Shinpachi had a sudden feeling that something was not right. He felt eyes on him. He looked out of his window and saw no one. "Huh? Maybe it was one of those homeless people. Haah, I should go to sleep." He closed his window, and turned off the light.

 _ **BOOM!**_

A bomb dropped right into his home! It was a small bomb since its smoke only filled his home. Although it was loud enough for the whole Kabuki district and Shinsengumi headquarters to hear it.

"Shinpachi!" Otae screamed when she saw the smoke on her way home. She tried to get there soon, but a second bomb dropped.

Shinpachi was coughing. When the first bomb hit, he didn't feel any pain or changes. Nothing still happened, other than his body almost being choked from all the smoke, when the second one hit. But when the third one hit, he began to feel physically different. He got on his feet to run before a possible fourth one hit.

He was able to get out of his house, but he inhaled so much smoke that he felt faint.

"Shinpachi!" A man called out to him.

The teen looked out, and saw Hasegawa. He was the first one to reach him since he slept around the vicinity. "Hase-" Shinpachi got on his knees and placed his hand on his chest to feel his heart. He definitely felt his heart, but he also felt something soft and round. He looked under his kimono to see a pair of soft curves that shouldn't be in there. ** _"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"_**

._._._.

A/N: Hijikata rejected Shinpachi! And he has to live with the consequences of his confession! But his friends are willing to help him out! Now who are these mysterious amantos who are targeting Shinpachi, and what just happened to him?

Expect some weirdness and angst (I think) in the following chapters!

*Yamazaki called her big sister since any woman related to a member of the shinsengumi through blood or marriage would be referred to as such to show respect.


	11. Grades suck

A/N: It's gonna get hetero all up in this fanfiction with what I'm gonna do, but it's technically still gay. Might as well call my story bisexual. Haah! Haah! *Clears throat*. Right onward with the story.

._._._.

Chapter 11: Getting a low grade at something you're supposed to have a talent for is worse than not being good at anything at all. (I honestly think my college writing professor is taking my skills backward.)

At the hospital. Takachin, Gintoki, Kagura, Hijikata, Kondo, Yamazaki, and Sougo were present.

Kondo informed them, "We've been informed that the bombs that was unleashed on the Shimura's estate were the bombs that were stored away from the missiles cult last month. Someone was able to trespass the security and set them to hit multiple areas all around Edo. The person who unleashed them escaped. There's a chance that this person wasn't a member of the cult, but was a fan of them. That's all we can tel you."

Everyone didn't say a word. They were too busy composing themselves with hopes that their dear megane was alright.

When the scientist came, everyone stood up. The man told them, "Your friend is safe and is not suffering from anything fatal." Everyone finally took a breath that they've been holding in. Then the scientist included, "But he did gain a side effect from the bomb's smoke. It appears that the bomb that hit Shinpachi had the same chemical effects that the Dekoboko cult had used on the Kabuki district before."

"Dekoboko?" That sounded familiar to everyone.

A feminine voice reminded them, "It's the cult that turned men into women and women into men, everyone." Shinpachi appeared before them in a kimono with his hair put into pigtails and the lenses of his glasses were pink.

"PACHIE?!" Everyone referred to him with his female name.

Shinpachi didn't look that different from his male body since he had an androgynous face and his chest was flat as Otae-chan's own. Yet something about him did seem more...delicate.

Though Gintoki said, "Wait, are you sure, doctor? Let me take a look for myself." The samurai was about to put his hand on Shinpachi's chest, but

 _ **BAMF!**_

Shinpachi had single-handedly crushed Gintoki's head against a wall that left a hole surrounded by intricate cracks all around it. The male turned female inquired darkly, "What look? Don't you mean feel? Eh, Gin-san?" He withdrew his hand. The scientist left after he told the megane that he will have weekly checkups.

"So cool, Shinpachi!" Kagura complimented him.

"I see that your female body has awakened the Shimura genes!" Otae complimented him with a hearty voice.

The men in the room had a shadow cast over their eyes.

Takachin shook off his shock to ask, "Captain, are you truly a woman?!"

Shinpachi returned back to his polite form. He replied, "I'm afraid I am, and the doctor told me that my condition can only be reversed when they can make up an antidote for me. But considering that it took three bombs to change my form, it'll take time to create an antidote strong enough to do the job. So it looks like you'll have to stick with a female general for our Otsuu-chan fan club. "

"Yes, ma'am!" The loyal childhood friend saluted.

With that explained, the shinsengumi approached him.

Sougo commented, "My, my, you're a woman now, and have a flat chest. Boring."

Hijikata smacked the back of his head. He said, "The shinsengumi forbid women from joining, but you only have a little over a month left, so we'll be lenient, so you can finish your community hours. However, you can't use the shinsengumi locker room showers for obvious reasons, so it looks like you will have to stay with your sister again."

Shinpachi was happy to hear that. A sweet smile placed on her lips. "That's good to hear. I look forward to continue working for you guys until my community hours are over."

Hijikata couldn't help smiling back. The two making sweet eye contact that neither of them showed to want to break it. So Kagura, Sougo, and Otae punched Hijikata. The officer clashed against a wall and just like Gintoki, he knocked out.

"Hijikata-san!" Shinpachi cried out, but then he was pulled by everyone to go celebrate Shinpachi's good health and new body!

._._._.

Shinpachi was supposed to go to work the next day, but then Otae requested for one more day off that wouldn't be counted to Shinpachi's community hours.

Now he was at his house and kneeling in front of Kagura, his sister, Sarutobi, Kyuubei, and Tsukuyo.

"Uhm...Anue-e. Is this really necessary?" The female megane inquired.

"Yes, Pan-chan." His sister said with withheld enthusiasm. "You have become a woman, so you must adhere to our culture's female customs."

Shinpachi found that totally unnecessary. "But I'll be turning back into a man."

"Nonsense!" Kyuubei stoically snapped. "You must take this as an educational experience, Pachie. You, as a man, have always wondered about the female's nature of things as I have."

"But you are a woman." He pointed out, but was ignored.

"And now you have the opportunity." She pointed out. "This way the next time you question a woman's action, you among a group of clueless men can be the messiah."

"Ah no, I think you're over thinking it. Plus, even if that is true, they will all use that information for their ulterior motives." Shinpachi reasoned from a man's point of view.

"This is also to train you to hold back your sexual urges!" Sarutobi declared on her own. "Not only will you step in the light of womanhood, but also the bloody sea of their sins, and then then the wet, soft cavern of quivering, nightly dreams!" The ninja embraced herself and swayed her body while he cheeks were flushed pink

"What the hell are you talking about Sa-chan?" Otae inquired with a smile of restraint.

"I am talking about how now this person who's practically stealing my character will now realize her dormant desires for Gin-chan!"

"LIKE HELL THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN!"

"But Anego," Kagura stepped in, "Now that Shinpachi is a female with his personality, he's obviously 'that type of girl'." She gave the stink eye at Shinpachi who didn't understand.

"That girl?" Otae was lost until she realized what the female teen meant. "Oh." She gave Shinpachi the stink eye along with the other girls. "THAT girl."

Shinpachi was completely confused and scared. "Wha-what girl?'

The women stood up, stepped out of the room, and then came back in with stacks of mangas and animes. They rearranged the room into a classroom with only one desk for Shinpachi to sit in. For some reason, he was also dressed in a school uniform that looked a lot like the uniform of the anime female character who otaku Toushi was into.

In front of him, the females were dressed as teachers.

"Pachie, there is something we must teach you!" Otae announced. "In the history of Japanese anime, there has always been one female type character who for some reason had stayed in existence of current anime."

Kagura roared, "THAT STUPID, ANNOYING, USELESS FEMALE CHARACTER WHO DOES NOTHING BUT CRY AND ACT AS THE MAIN LOVE INTEREST FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN SHE'S HOT AND EASY TO MANIPULATE!"

Shinpachi was shocked by this. "And you guys think that I could become this character?"

"No." Tsukuyo said. "We are afraid that people who dare to turn you into this type of character because of your type of personality. No offense to you or Kagura-chan, but it will be to no one's surprise if you act far more prim and proper which could be a problem."

Kagura growled, "Like those obnoxious bitches that we see in these!"

Sarutobi began naming them, "Sakura Haruno from Naruto, Orihime Inoue from Bleach, Lucy Heartfilia from Fairytale, Usagi from sailormoon! I love these series, but they're annoying as hell!"

"You see Pan-chan," Otae got to the point, "We have to protect you from being written into this role! And warn future writers to never do this to their male-turned-female characters! It's all fun and games to throw shameful stereotypes, but it's another thing when they make you become it."

Shinpachi began to understand his situation. He didn't want to turn into those girls that Sarutobi listed off! "I understand! What should I do to avoid this?"

The females looked to each other and nodded. The females, except for Otae, stood away from the chalkboard. "There are many rules to follow, but we will only instill you with five!"

She smacked the board with a elongated pointer. "The first rule is to keep your whining to a minimum and instead take action! How many times have we seen disappointing female characters do nothing but whine about their situation, and let the other people do everything! Of course, Pan-chan, your role during a battle is to make sure that the important person reaches their destination! There's nothing to feel ashamed about having that kind of job, but...but..." The woman tried to hold back her rage, but she ended up roaring, "DON'T INTERRUPT A BATTLE ONLY TO BECOME THE PERSON WHO CAUSED IT TO GO UP IN FLAMES IN THE FIRST PLACE! DO YOUR DAMN JOB AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR ALL YOU ANNOYING ANIME BITCHES! DON'T FUCKING INTERRUPT IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO BE USELESS! I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF IT WAS OUT OF GOOD WILL! HAVE SOME FUCKIN' LOGIC, YA DAMN BIG BOOBED OR LOLI-LOOKING BITCHES! AND I MEAN WHAT'S UP WITH THESE LOLI BITCHES! ALL YER MEN ARE GOIN' TA JAIL! YUR MAKIN' PEDOPHILES FER FUCKS SAKE!"

"Anego!" Kagura called out to the raving woman. "I understand you! But this is about Pachie!"

The woman felt ashamed for her outburst. "You're right. We must continue on." She gave Kagura the stage.

"Now it's my turn." The amanto cleared her throat, and used the elongated pointer to smack the chalk board. "Pan-chan! You had just learned from Anego to not be a whining, useless bitch. Now I am here to teach you not to be a whining, useless whore! You act like a prude now, but even though you're personality might become shitty for some reason, the men will fall for you. We are both now female heroines, but the difference between you and me is that I can defend myself while you are easy to knock down and make dubious consented love to!"

"What do you mean dubious consented?!" Shinpachi really didn't like that 'dubious' part. She wants to give through full consent!

"It cannot be helped, Shinpachi. These men may have been your friend while you were a man, but like many animes and mangas, at some point they cannot hold back their hormones, and because most of them are dumb fucks, the only way they can think to approach you is through pushing you down against anything convenient and act as if it is okay to act like a criminal."

"You're really looking down on our male friends." Shinpachi muttered, and then pointed out, "Besides, I think you're overestimating my appearance. I still look like Shinpachi, and putting on makeup doesn't do anything special. If one of our guy friends fell for me, wouldn't it be weird?"

Sarutobi joined the stage! "That's where you are wrong! To men and even women, as long as their friend is even a bit cute, and totally open to sleeping with them, then it's okay! You're bisexual, aren't you?!"

"Uh, yes."

"Oi! Stalker, it's still my turn!" Kagura yelled.

"Don't worry, Kagura-chan. Our lessons are somewhat the same. You were to teach Pachie to not let these men take advantage of her while I was to teach her to not take advantage of the situation!" She continued her lesson, "You see, Shinpachi. Even if you are plain, men are not as shallow as you would believe. Some of them actually have the ability to look beyond your looks and see the beauty behind it! Gin-chan is one of them!"

Everyone had blank expressions on their faces. Otae decided to intervene to make sure that this lesson didn't get out of hand. "You may consider yourself plain on the outside, little sister, but you must remember that beauty can be enhanced by your charms. And like me, you have these charms that will please your male friends. And since you are a heroine who can be defenseless at times, you are most likely to be either paired with the male protagonist, his arch enemy, or the one who resembles or is related to him closely."

Sarutobi added, "So you see, what your sister is saying is that either you are destined to be paired up with my Gin-chan, his archenemy who everyone knows is Takasugi Shinsuke, or one of the other males who either resemble or is closely related to him in someway!"

Shinpachi looked doubtful. "Well, if that is the case then Gintoki and I won't end up together. We're like brothers even in this form. And there's no way at all that I could end up with Takasugi-san since we don't know his fate at the end of the Gintama manga yet, and our author prefers to keep him and Kagura's older brother out of this story. For those close to Gintoki, then that would list out the other two who've been with him in the war. But then I highly doubt Sakamoto-san will ever make an appearance. Katsura-san is a definite no."

Kyuubei included, "But if you consider those who resemble Gintoki, there is those two from the shisengumi. Hijikata-san shares similar goofy mannerisms and appearance while Okita-san shares his sadistic nature."

Kagura roared, "THERE'S DEFINITELY NO WAY THOSE TWO WILL EVER END UP WITH SHINPACHI! THAT SUPER SADIST IS A BASTARD, AND THAT MAYONNAISE BASTARD IS THE WORSE! SHINPACHI! I WILL TRAIN YOU TO FACE THOSE TWO BEFORE YOU GO TO WORK TOMORROW!"

"Before that," Otae returned them to their original subject. "Maybe you won't end up with anyone, Pachie, but if you ever do end up in a love triangle, please don't take your time deciding who to love, but in the same time don't choose one, but then end up still considering the other one. Nobody wants a Yuki Cross or a Bella Swan. The latter is not an anime character, but she's the best example."

Tsukuyo entered the stage with Kyuubei. The other three left them to their lessons. Tsukuyo started, "What the others said was true. There has to be a balance between your whining and your actions. And that you must keep an honest love, and also a way to protect it and yourself."

Kyuubei nodded. "My lesson for you to avoid becoming these useless, annoying characters is to not fade into the background. The greatest horror in animes and mangas is when a good or even tolerable character degrade themselves to nothing more than a background character who has been weakened for the sake of the plot."

Tsukuyo agreed, "Yeah, there's been many strong, admirable female characters who have had their roles stripped of them, so the other characters could shine."

"You have your rare shining moments, Shinpachi. Don't lose that shine!" Kyuubei advised him passionately.

Tsukuyo then said her piece of knowledge, "The last lesson you will be given for today is that despite our advice to not become degraded, we also advise you not to try to become perfect or put up a very haughty, princess-like front. Those characters are just as annoying as those who are dumb-witted."

Shinpachi understood. He smiled as he summarized, "So what you are all is saying is that I should remain the way I am, and stay true to myself to the end."

The females gathered at the stage with encouraging smiles. Otae spoke, "So you understand now, Pan-chan. No matter what in this new world you enter into, you must always stay true to yourself."

Shinpachi began to feel pride swell in his chest at becoming a woman now. "Yes! Thank you everyone."

They remained silent to bask in the bliss, and then Otae informed him, "Now it's time for you to learn about the natural wonders of a woman's body! Such as the monthly coming of blood and cramps!"

Shinpachi felt his face turn pale. "What?"

Once he was informed, he immediately felt that pride turn into regret. The next thing he did was run to the hospital where the lab to find his cure was being produced. He desperately begged them to find the cure before his twenty-eight days were up!

._._._.

"Okita-san, is it necessary to wear a skirt?" Shinpachi asked flatly, not at all amused. She wore the new shinsengumi suit tailored for her physique, despite having a lack of it. All that really changed was that she wore a thigh length pencil skirt with black laced stockings, and knee high jet black boots on. "Why did you also give me a whip?"

"No reason." Sougo said as he tried to put on a weird, familiar mask on Shinpachi that the teen always saw on those leather wearing women that Gintoki just happened to have around.

"Wait! Are you trying to dress me up as a dominatrix?!" Shinpachi backed away and threw the whip at him. "I already told you that I don't want to be a part of any of your weird hobbies!"

"But now that you're a woman, how do you plan to gain the respect from your fellow officers? You don't have your sister's scary demeanor, so you should resort to this." Sougo reasoned bluntly.

"I don't need to gain their respect! They know I'm the same Shinpachi as before! You're the only one treating me different!"

"Haaah, noisy." Sougo said, and Shinpachi felt his pride take a hit from that indifferent tone of his.

"I-I'm not noisy!" He cursed himself him for cracking.

Sougo retorted, "You definitely are. You were noisy before, but it's worse now that your voice is this high. Banshees like you should seriously learn to use their indoor voice."

Another hit to his pride. "Don't call me a banshee!" He turned away since he felt his resolve withering away. "I can't help it that I am loud. Especially when I'm surrounded by idiots." He said that but his loud voice became lower and lower until it became a mumble.

Sougo smirked wickedly. He went up to him while he spoke with his hypnotic words that made Shinpachi look at him with this kicked puppy expression. Just as Sougo was about to go in for the kill, he found two fingers in his nostrils and thrown out of the room.

"LIKE HELL I'LL BECOME ONE OF YOUR MASOCHISTS!" Shinpachi yelled at him, still remembering what he did to his penpal's sister*. "Kagura told me that you'd pull a stunt like this, so told me the best strategy to face you! I consider you a close friend, so please don't pull something like that with me again." She was somewhat disappointed by the old man for trying to do this to her even if it may have been for fun. She walked away to find some decent pants and shoes.

Kondo, who had been passing by, walked up to his long time friend. "Sougo, we still have a meeting at nine."

"Yeah, yeah." The young man sat up and rubbed his sore nostrils.

"I've been meaning to ask Sougo, but what are your feelings towards Shinpachi-kun?" Kondo inquired curiously. He had been noticing the attention that the sadist had been giving Shinpachi more of than before.

"I'm just playing around." The sadist told him as he stood up. "It's not everyday when the megane is the protagonist."

That made sense. "That's true. Though your actions can be a bit hard to read. Are you really just playing around, Sougo?" Kondo knew better than to pry, but he would like to understand if he was entering into a fanfiction with a love triangle.

"Who knows." The sadist left it at that. "Oh, it's almost time for the meeting. I better get going, gorilla."

"Eh, gorilla?! Me? Oh, wait Sougo! What do you mean by the first thing you said! Sougo!" The hopeless commander chased after his 1st captain.

Before the meeting, Shinpachi was able to change into his own uniform. He then met Hijikata on the way.

The vice chief cautiously inquired, "Shinpachi, how's your body?"

The younger samurai honestly replied, "It's strange. On my day off, anue-e and the others told me a lot about how a woman's body works. I'm honestly scared because they told me that once a month, women would feel great pain and bleed a river from their own private areas." Shinpachi's kind smile faltered into a downcast grimace of doom. "I really hope that they find an antidote before then."

Hijikata couldn't think of anything to say to that specifically since he didn't understand women and their private areas. But he did say, "I'm sure they'll find a cure, but its impressive that it took three tons of doses to make you change gender entirely. You have quite the genes there."

Shinpachi couldn't stop the blush that crept on his cheeks. She felt a soft pain pressing on his chest, but she pushed his discomfort aside to act natural. "I should say the same to you. You're smoking everyday, and you don't look a day over thirty." She teased.

"Heh." Hijikata stifled a laughter with a smile.

The two stared at each other without saying another word. Shinpachi hated how they fell into soundless comfort between them. This seriously needed to stop. He quickly withdrew and broke eye contact. "We should be getting to that meeting."

Hijikata felt disappointed by that obvious rejection. However, he reminded himself that staring at each other was not normal, even if it did. He let out a loud sigh before heading to the meeting room.

During the meeting, Hijikata didn't address Shinpachi's current status of sex change. It was more simple to keep it a secret, and excuse Shinpachi's actions of being allowed to go home after work from now on due to the bombs having injured her, and only his sister could help treat him. He also ordered his men to not question her about it. They were all to focus on work strictly.

After that, Shinpachi went to Hijikata's office to work as his assistant again. She looked through the folders that was sent for him, and discovered one folder that held the new profiles that Director Matsudaira had sent him. It was filled with dozens of beautiful photos and great background data on them. She also happened to stumble upon Matsudaira's daughter's photo in there. "Ah, so he is planning to do that."

"To do what?" The very man set up to be married inquired.

Shinpachi quickly replied, "Nothing! I mean Director Matsudaira had sent the new folder for your omiai. There's plenty of women looking forward to seeing you. I believe that you like the modest, traditional type of woman. Human preferably, too." She began taking out profiles from the folder, so her vice chief could save time on picking who he'd like to see.

Hijikata hated the sight. He was sure that Shinpachi told him that she loved him, but with ease, she was picking out the best bride for him?!

 **"What is the meaning of this Shinpachi? Are you trying to throw me into a marriage so you can move on?"**

 **"No. That isn't like him. Shinpachi is only thinking of what's best for me, and I don't have any choice but to attend this omiai. What he's doing is trying to lessen the stress on me."**

 **"Plus, I'm the one who rejected him. I should stand by my word, and not question his motives in the first place."**

Shinpachi finished separating the profiles that were either good or not for Hijikata. She made sure that all the women were human with clean backgrounds and good personalities that respected traditions, but still had an open mind to changes. It helpfully removed over sixty percent of the candidates.

"There you go." She handed the skinny folder to Hijikata.

The man stared at it, and liked the light feeling, but still hated what was inside. He took a look to see only about twenty-five candidates. He looked over each one to see that Shinpachi did good work at picking the best ones. Yet, he stopped when he saw who else was in the folder.

"Oi, Shinpachi. Why is she in here?" He asked as he showed the picture of the Matsudaira girl.

 **"Matsudaira Kuriko was in the folder. Shinpachi knows what happened between us. He was there, and played a part in me getting away from her! He told me that he didn't remove it because Kuriko-chan held up to all my standards. What do you know about my standards, you bastard! If we're talking about my standards, then you might as well be in my folder since you're a woman now!"**

Hijikata quickly sketched over that last sentence. He wasn't thinking straight. Right now, it was night time and Shinpachi had gone home.

 **"That came out wrong. I don't care what gender he is, and I can't deny now that I**

Hijikata willed himself to write the rest.

 **have these feelings for Shinpachi. I don't want to say they're romantic. There's not a romantic bone in my body. What I feel for Shinpachi...I only want what's best for him without us having to drift apart because of that. Will me marrying someone else make it easier for us, Shinpachi? As long as one of us is available, everything will remain awkward. Maybe even unbearably painfully so."**

A few days passed, and Shinpachi's change of gender barely made an impact that everyone around her forgot about the gender switch until she spoke with her feminine voice.

Hijikata omiai came before the end of August once he finally agreed to meet with one of the candidates.

 **"She was nice and beautiful. She showed great potential at being a wife. The bento she made was delicious, but I couldn't bring myself to enjoy it. The rice didn't taste like Shinpachi's own. The eggs didn't take like his either, that I ended up drowning the whole thing in mayonnaise. I obviously showed that side of me in front of her, and it turns out that the old man had told all of them beforehand about my habits. Dammit, I really wish he'd enter the grave soon."  
**

 **"What else can I say? The omiai went great, but the problem is that I can't remember her face or her name. I just know that she's beautiful because Shinpachi made sure I met women who looked as such."**

"Are you alright, Hijikata-san?" Shinpachi asked her vice commander after he zoned out during his paper work. "Was yesterday's mission difficult?"

"Huh?" The man woke up from his empty thoughts. He was simply feeling the moment instead of thinking. "Uh, no." He cleared his throat and straightened up his back. "I'm just tired with this omiai. I turned down twelve from the profiles, but that still leaves about ten, and they all wear me out."

"Have you picked out the ones most suited to be your wife?" Shinpachi asked without a sign of jealousy or force. Just a very friendly question from a friend.

Hijikata didn't want to answer, but he believed that he needed to act as a friend. "No. They are all great, but what's bugging me is how this is all done. To meet a stranger, and then spend a certain amount of time with them before it's decided that we'll get married without any care that eventually we might get tired of each other, and my wife might actually be the type to have affairs since we haven't learned how to communicate well enough before the marriage."

Shinpachi gave a pity smile. "You're really pessimistic about marriages. If something like that happens, don't you think you should try harder in your marriage? I'm not saying that when your wife is having an affair that it is okay. A divorce should be issued depending on how terrible the situation is, but at the same time, you should also learn why it happened to make sure your second marriage is far more successful. Love is a trial and error process after all." She reasoned.

Hijikata stared at her for a bit. Not sure how to feel or think. Instead he commented, "You really have thought about marriage for someone so young. When I was your age, the only thing I was thinking about was where the hell my sword will take me."

Shinpachi pointed out, "You were growing up during the Joui war where samurais had to decide whether to give up the sword, fight with the sword, or serve under a greater power to keep it. I grew up trying to get through the changes with only Anue-e. The sword meant nothing to me before I met Gin-san."

Hijikata somewhat knew about that from the teen. Though he realized he didn't know that much about his childhood. "No care for the sword huh. How did you and your sister scrape by to keep the dojo running anyway. You two had a loan shark amanto always on your backs, right?"

"Yes. We were only kids when my father died. Anue-e had to work odd jobs as a child while making sure I stayed at temple school, so I was able to get a job afterwards. But that ended after meeting Gin-san. And now instead of a cashier, I am a person who works odd jobs and has a very creative criminal record, and yet here I am with my head on my neck, and only working for community hours for the men who were supposed to be responsible in arresting me."

"I can still arrest you. I'm sure we still have evidence to convict you of something." Hijikata joked.

Shinpachi played along, "Then I'll answer to the reporter who visits me in prison about why it took you this long to do that. I'm sure the shinsengumi will have a great day trying to fix that up."

"Then I'm sure we can pay someone to keep you quiet."

"Then I'm sure that I can turn the tables on that someone. Remember, I've been trained by the most vicious people who can rule a prison in a few days."

"Oh ho, now you are just making me want to arrest you."

"I'll be out of here before you can get those handcuffs on me."

"Wanna bet?" Hijikata challenged. Both of them were inches away from each others faces with mischievous grins.

"UUUUHM?" Tetsu who was still in the room decided to interject into the very interesting conversation. He really didn't know what to do in this situation with his boss and his (fe)male coworker, so he reminded them. "You two have a meeting within an hour."

The two realized what they were just doing. They blushed, and cleared their throats as they tried to continue their work without another word.

After an hour of that awkwardness, the two of them with Kondo and Sougo met up with Matsudaira at a hotel over a new mission.

"Huh? You want us to infiltrate a high school?" Shinpachi was surprised that police missions extended to going undercover in such a place.

"Yes. But I must ask first, what is a little miss like you doing in the shinsengumi? I thought the shinsengumi forbid women from joining."

"Wha-what are you talking about sir?" Shinpachi deepens her voice a bit. "It's me. Shimura Shinpachi."

"Shimura?" The man foggily remembered the man who was in the wedding gown at Toshi's birthday. "Ah, right. Shimura. Sorry. Now where was I. Ah yes, the high school gig. As all of you should know, high schools have become a cover up for drug deals. A source of mine tells me that the current drug lord in the school is a female who goes by the name 'Blue Rose'."

Kondo hummed to this. "It saddens me that even the female youth are being influenced to act like criminals. How are we to infiltrate this school?"

"This undercover mission needs people on the inside, so the four of you and that spy of yours will infiltrate the school as students since teachers are not allowed to get comfortably close to their students."

Sougo pointed out, "But director, Kondo and Hijikata-san look too old to get back into high school. They will surely be suspicious."

"Don't worry. I already have a crew that can help you with your appearance so you five can blend in. Oh, and there's also something else that you have to do. You have to create a new after school club that will help you lure Blue Rose out."

Everyone looked at him curiously, but they all felt the same gut feeling that it wasn't good.

A few days later, Shinpachi was dressed in a brown sweater vest and jeans unlike the other females students who wore a yellow fitted-bodice dress with a bell-shaped skirt, puffy sleeves and a white collar with a loosely tied blue bow. Men wore purple jackets with a white inside shirt, black tie and trousers. Apparently, she were put into a high school for rich people, and she got in through a scholarship.

The megane truly felt uncomfortable because the school looked like a castle, and everything was so clean, beautiful and high tech inside! She really wanted to get to the others soon. She looked at the paper that she was given, and found herself in front of a music room.

When she opened the door, rose petals were flown around with a white, shining background. Behind that opening scene was the shadowy silhouette of several people in school uniform with a gorilla. There silhouette was given color to reveal Hijikata, Yamazaki, Sougo and Kondou in a gorilla mascot suit. Yet, it was not only them. There was also Gintoki, Kagura, his sister, Tama and also the #1 host Honjou Kyoushiro.

They greeted him, "Welcome to the Gintama Host Club."

._._._.

A/N: So yeah, Shinpachi's a woman now! I had this planned from the start! But he'll turn back into a dude when I'm done with him. It's not going to be smooth sailing when I'm over!

Warning: Shinpachi and Hijikata will date other people, so love triangles?, probably some angsts, jealousy, betrayal, broken friendships, and also there's a woman coming after Shinpachi, but what for? Hmmmm?

Read on!

*Kirara from episode 126.


	12. Grammar

A/N:

Me: So Shinpachi and the others are going to be hosts at a high school.

Hijikata: Wait a minute! Aren't most of the men over twenty-five!

Me: I'm sorry! I got carried away when I rewatched Ouran Highschool host club!

Hijikata: I don't give a damn of what you watch! Get your morals right!

Sougo: What morals? She's a yaoi fanfiction writer. They have no morals.

Kagura: Shut up super sadist! This sweet thing is a respectable person in society who respects people and don't stereotype them! If she did, Shinpachi would be some stupid, emotional, damsel in distress who's either saved by the hero or abused by the seme!

Kondo: That's right! Not all yaoi writers are immoral! Some stories are just so touching that it really touches the heart! *Hiding his tearful eyes behind his wrist*

Kagura: Don't cry gorilla! We must be strong! *Also passionately tearful*

*Sougo and Hijikata don't question this. It's strange but not surprising that Kondo was the fudanshi and not Shinpachi.*

Gintoki: What's the problem? It's not like we'll be kissing or sleeping with them. We just have to act like **** to get cash and gifts from them.

Otae: That's right! I already cleared a room to put all the gifts that I'll be receiving by all my rich costumers. It's especially great that their females so they know exactly what to buy for me!

Hijikata: You just want to be a gold digger! *Head is caught by a crushing hand*

Otae: What was that, mayo-pig? *Ominous shadowy face*

Yamazaki: Now, now. We should be getting ready for this chapter. The author worked hard on trying to find fitting high school stereotypes that won't result in awkward pedophilia. So no high school sex jokes.

*Everyone was glad for that*

Shinpachi: Then let's begin!

Everyone: Please enjoy!

._._._.

Chapter 12: Literature is a game of nonsense trying to become sense, but the rules of grammar is always changing, and words are always forming, so editing is a fool's job. I mean seriously. Where a period is placed on a quote depends on whether you're following British or American grammar.

Shinpachi went around serving tea to each of the female guests with a smile. It was the first day that the Gintama (I couldn't think of a clever name) host club. It was going quite smoothly despite the obvious problem about it. None of the hosts except for Kagura was a teenager, and most of them were in their thirties and were made to hit on teenage students!

However, it could not be helped. This was by far the most effective way to find a drug lord female named "Blue Rose" in this gigantic school of rich kids.

Matsudaira was the one who came up with the idea. He originally had told them that it was to remain as Shinpachi, Hijikata, Sougo, Yamazaki and Kondou to do the job. But then once he took a moment to actually see his plan in action, he needed them to find some other suitable people for the job. And since no one knew if Blue Rose was gay or not, this happened.

The original shinsengumi members (Kondo in a gorilla mascot costume), his sister, Kagura, Gintoki, and helpfully #1 male host Honjou Kyoushirou, and the ever helpful Tama was present. Otose thought it would be nice for her to experience something like this. Even if the school may be filled with a lot of rich snobs, the expensive oil would be nice.

The men were to obviously hosts the females through Honjou's teachings, and his sister and Kagura was to hosts the lesbians, bisexuals, bicurious or amused straight females. Tama and Shinpachi were to act as the maids which wasn't hard since the guests were far more interested in chatting than ordering.

The way this club was funded was at first through the school, but they were also funded by the club members' overexposure in the school's magazine. Matsudaira was able to provide a professional make up team to be able to make several of the people, who are over twenty, to look younger.

And Shinpachi had to say it was impressive. She didn't receive the same treatment because there was a budget, and she gave her seat to Yamazaki since she was curious to see what the team could do with him. Amazingly, they were able to make him look like a certain tennis prince that Shinpachi knew from somewhere, but couldn't put her foot down on it.

The host club was an instant big hit since they had quite the variety.

If a female was into the prince type, they would obviously choose Prince Hikaru Sone (Honjou Kyoushirou). He still looked like himself, but dashingly younger, and he knows how to swoon the ladies with his elite host charms.

While he was the good prince, Sougo, on the other hand, was the dark prince Ren Takei with his red hair. He was the type to make you fall in love, but break your heart without a second thought. Hijikata really wanted him off of this team since he worried about the economy if Sougo found a way to bankrupt the poor girls.

Hijikata was made younger as well that Shinpachi thought she was meeting his teenager self. The man passed himself off as Daichi Matsuyama, the stoic type, who was to stay by Gintoki's side. The officer didn't trust the man, and Gintoki didn't like it, but then the two of them together bought in more girls for some reason. Something about yaoi...But no one was allowed to speak about that.

Gintoki was Hisao Kibe, the wild type. The make up artist were able to do something about his eyebrows and dead fish eyes which made him look good to the point that Otae couldn't properly talk to him without hurting him in the process. So they were made to sit at areas of the room that made sure that they didn't make eye contact or else the woman was bound to do something disastrous.

Yamazaki, despite his plain looks, was actually good with the ladies, and he was the safer choice for newcomers as Ryota Eguchi, the natural type. He didn't mind that his customers would switch to the others if they felt more adventurous. His heart was already stolen by a certain android.

These are the men, but if women felt like they wanted to spend time with another woman, then...

There was the goddess type, Princess Maemi Inouye (Otae Shimura). She still looked young so the makeup team only did little work for her so she wouldn't be recognized on the streets by random chance. She was the one who all the girls looked to being with or dream of becoming, since Otae knew how to act like the proper lady and hold a strong air of importance and beauty from both inside and out.

Kagura was the tomboy type who was given the name Emiko Jin. She was a teenager, so they only disguised her with a short black wig, and bind her chest to make it flat. They tried to give her contact lenses, but she couldn't help dramatically flinching when they tried. As a host, she showed off her tough attitude as well as her cute side when sweets were placed on the table. A lot of girls loved her attitude, and always bought sweets for her.

Then there was...

"Why am I in a gorilla suit?!" Kondo yelled after the first day!

"That's because you're the mascot, Kondou-san." Sougo replied while holding the chain connected to the costume's collar. "Now roll on the floor and I'll give you a treat."

"Don't treat me like an animal!" He yelled, but then Sougo got him to do as he ordered.

The others ignored this unhealthy relationship.

"A lot of girls came to the club." Shinpachi said. "Did anyone find anyone suspicious?"

Yamazaki replied, "None on my part. Tama-chan didn't see any drugs on any off them."

Sougo told them, "A drug dealer doesn't come into this kind of place to give out drugs unless we show interest."

Hijikata pointed out, "That's what we have Shinpachi for. She can blend into the crowd which would make her suitable to become a drug dealer."

Shinpachi told them, "The school is huge. It will take time for me to find them. Hopefully, Blue Rose will come to the club, so we may finish this soon."

Yamazaki reminded, "We've been given a profile. Blue Rose is most likely a reserved, intelligent female. And based on how well she is able to get away with this, she must be neglected by her parental guardians. We will have to look through our customer lists to pick them out."

Kondo nodded with his doubled gorilla arms crossed. "This will be a tough mission, but with all your help, anything is possible." he preached. "Now let's go enjoy the left over cake! OOH AHH!"

Otae inquired, "Does this club have any events? We can't attract more females unless we pull beautiful, extravagant events that everyone wants to be a part of!"

Shinpachi answered, "Matsudaira-san informed us that we can hold an event once a month. He's aware that this sort of mission can take months to finish, and after my community hours are over, I will actually get paid for working with the shinsengumi, so he gave me the responsibility to plan the events since he had this feeling that I could do a better job."

"Oh! So what are you planning for this month (September)!"

"I decided on a ball where all the girls will have the chance to dance with one of you for a total of three minutes each. Tama-chan can make sure that each of them will get their turn before the end of the night, and each of you can have a break to rest your feet."

"A ball?!" Kagura cried out in joy! "Do I get to wear a beautiful sparkly dress like a Disney princess?!"

"Considering how much this club makes, definitely." Shinpachi reassured her.

Gintoki childishly moaned, "Eh? A ball? I don't wanna go to some ball!"

"Don't complain. You're getting paid remember. Suck it up and don't drink before coming." Shinpachi scolded him.

Yamazaki warily inquired, "Shinpachi-kun, we're expected to dance a waltz, correct?"

"Yes?"

"Do any of us know how to dance a waltz?"

There was a strong silence. Shinpachi panicked, "I didn't think of that! And I don't know if we have the budget to find a tutor!"

Then a deep feminine voice rang through the room. "Then it's a good thing that I'm here!" Everyone looked to the window to see a shadowy female figure dressed in the high school uniform. "I have heard from a reliable source that you people would encounter a problem as simple as dancing the waltz!" She spoke with a regal, passionate voice. Her shadowy form slowly coming to light. "But now you have none to worry about because Zurako is here!"

*BAM!*

The yorozuya kicked the man out of the window. Elizabeth happened to also be in the room dressed in the male uniform. He held up the sign to explain, 'Matsudaira-san had given Katsura a choice to relieve himself of the death penalty if he promised to help with this mission under good supervision.'

Everyone deadpanned, ** _"Give him the death penalty."_**

Katsura came back up covered in blood and glass shards, "Wait everyone, I came here out of good faith! Didn't you need a dance tutor! Lucky for you I know all kinds of dances from the tango to the ocho ocho!"

Everyone looked at Shinpachi's book to see if they could actually get a tutor. Katsura huddled at the corner while covered in disappear.

Shinpachi then came up with an idea! "Oh I know! Minoru-san is a choreographer! He should know how to teach the waltz!"

Kagura heartily agreed, "You're right, Shinpachi! I'll call him right now!"

Katsura cried out, "Wait! So what am I supposed to do?!" Him and Elizabeth were made into maids.

._._._.

"Okay! Remember the steps I showed you! One-two! One-two!" Minoru-san told them as they took careful steps to dance the waltz. Gintoki was paired up with Kagura. Otae was paired up with Hijikata. Shinpachi was paired up with Sougo, and Honjou was paired up with Tama. Kondou was a gorilla so he didn't have to dance. Minoru had instructed them that each of the girls will be rotated to each host, so all of them had equal opportunity to dance with their favorite host in time.

"It's like an amusement ride." Shinpachi commented in amusement.

Sougo flirted as required, "Then are you enjoying riding this roller coaster."

Shinpachi giggled and kid, "You better not say that to the girls. I'll have to make Kondou-san suspend you."

"Then I'll have to do the same, so I can keep you all to myself." Sougo said with a smooth dark voice like bitter, dark chocolate poisoning the senses, but felt good for the soul.

The two were immediately separated by Hijikata and Otae. The woman asked the older man, "My, my, my Pan-chan is becoming quite popular among you men. I might have to either lock her up in a tower, or **_should I kill them all?_** "

Sougo, though he was a sadist, had a high respect for strong, loving older sisters. "No ma'am."

"Good!" Otae smiled happily at that.

Hijikata interrogated Shinpachi, "What d'ya think you're doing flirting with Sougo!"

"It's only playful. It's not every day that I'm the protagonist." reasoned the protagonist.

"Are you saying that you actually enjoy flirting with him?!"

"Of course not! We were only making jokes. Though I do hope that he doesn't flirt with them like that. I'm really worried for these girls' future." She imagined all the girls sending their parents' personal information to Sougo without a trace for even the government to find out that he did it.

Hijikata knew better than to further accuse Shinpachi for doing anything wrong. Shinpachi can handle herself. Plus, it wasn't like they were dating.

Shinpachi was switched off to Gintoki. The man whined, "I'm tired. Do I seriously have to do this?"

"Now, now. Think about it this way. Once you swoon the ladies, I bet they'll all come in with tons of sweets. Think about it. Dozens of chocolate parfaits, cute and expensive cakes, and if we're still here by February, then think about how many Valentine's chocolates you'll be loaded with. Or better yet, how many would be sent to your address after we leave all because of this one event."

Gintoki had his upper face shadowed. Shinpachi was worried by what that meant, and then was caught by surprise when she was picked up into the air and whirled around. Then she was back on her feet, but the way Gintoki swayed her movements, she had to disagree with the ground and say that it was a cloud.

The older man whispered in her ear, "You look divine tonight my little blue dandelion." Shinpachi felt herself blush a little as she giggled at how funny it is to see such dirty men pretend to be cool.

Kagura cried out, "I wanna be twirled around like that!" She pushed Sougo off her, and threw herself in the air.

Gintoki caught her, and the two of them twirled around in a goofy father-daughter style. Both of them laughing in a commercial-family-like way. Shinpachi warily told them to be careful. Katsura appeared beside her with his arms crossed and an unneeded smirk on his face. "I see that you two have mastered the pick-me-up spin!"

Shinpachi flatly inquired, "What bullshit is this person spouting now."

Katsura ignored her. "But you two seem to have gotten the stepping wrong, so-Guaaaah!" Kagura had done a somersault and landed on him. Everyone else applauded her.

Minoru clapped his hands in a way to declare the end of their dance sessions. "You guys are pretty quick learners. The only thing you need is to keep practicing to last for the entire four hours! And also resist throwing the girls who step on your feet!" Everyone thanked him before he left.

With that done and the day becoming late, the team left the school without their disguises on since no one should be at the school.

That was the first day of school, but the next day, Shinpachi will have to face the biggest challenge of her life: Attend classes.

Shinpachi had not stepped into a classroom since she was a child, and that was practically a decade ago! Now she's expected to take on High school! A place where uniformity choked the brains, and emotions corrupted logic! Matsudaira-san had given her a crash course of what she should be expected to learn. Shinpachi would definitely have an easy time if she was placed in classes related to philosophy and literature, but nope! It's science and math! And wait for it, CHEMISTRY. Shinpachi wanted to trade with Yamazaki, but the older man told her good luck and ran off.

 _Dear Diary #111_

 _I have made a grave mistake in choosing not to become a host. I am an idiot! This institution was created to give teenagers a chance for a career, but I already know what my career is, and that career doesn't even require a high school degree! I doubt I can even call it a career since pay checks barely come in, and what I do is mostly trying to get Gin-san out of trouble!_

 _I literally have to attend five classes, and I can barely attend the club as the maid since my job is to become friends with the crowd that are selling the drugs. Hopefully, I can find them before exams.  
_

Shinpachi entered her first class, which was English. The next class was algebra, geometry, chemistry, and lastly, P.E.

 _English seems to be pretty...easy to follow. The only problem is that it talks about different points of history, and I am expected to write over ten essays on different subjects in a few different ways...I'm not expected to succeed in the classes, but I don't want to be looked on as an idiot! I don't even think I can pass for a yakuza tomboy like Kagura-chan to make it look cool! I'm just that plain girl in those high school romance comedies, except I'm not the protagonist! I'm just that girl who's name is mentioned for plot convenience!_

Shinpach for some reason imagined Gintoki and Sakura in ordinary high school girl clothing except Gintoki had abnormally large breasts and Kagura was all serious with her school jacket on her shoulders. Something dramatic was happening.

"Kagura-chan, you can't do this! It's not worth it!" Gintoki pleaded.

"I already made up my mind. If someone doesn't show this bitch her place! If I had stopped her in the first place, then my best friend, Pachie-chan wouldn't have to end the way she did in kiddie school."

Then there was a flashback of a hamster with glasses being squashed under a foot.

 _I'M A HAMSTER?! WHY ARE MY IMAGINATIONS MORE CRUEL!_

 _..._

 _Okay, so I went to my next class, and...well actually, the teacher is pretty good at his job, and he even makes the subject likable. It doesn't hurt that I think he's cute, too. I definitely look forward to attending algebra in the future._

 _..._

 _Wow, geometry was pretty simple. Once you memorize the formulas, and is given the situational information, it's all a matter of making sure to press the correct buttons on the calculator. The vocabulary put into math is practically like learning a new language, but the textbook helpfully provides definitions. Also my group mates are awesome.  
_

After the third class, it was time for lunch which was almost an hour long, and that meant both lunch and the hosts must be at the club having makeup put. It took over an hour for the makeup to get applied on, but youth was patience.

Shinpachi was feeling pretty happy and confident in the school. She thought everything would be super hard since she couldn't do Seita's elementary school work, but now that she had been taught, she felt smarter. It's truly a tranquil feeling.

She went into the unused music room unable to wait to tell everyone about her first day of school!

 _ **BAM! BOOM! CRASH! CLASH! DEMOLISH! CRACK! GUUAAAAH!**_

"Dammit, stupid Gorilla, I already told you to die!" Otae was beating the crap out of Kondou-san who looked like he was both enjoying it and not.

Kagura and Sougo were fighting like super saiyans where they fought with such speed that Shinpachi couldn't keep her eyes on them! And Gintoki and Hijikata were fighting with balloon animals for some reason. Yamazaki was unconscious with a swollen face on the floor. Elizabeth was beating the crap out of Shimaru-san who must've arrived to report something shinsengumi related, and an unconscious Katsura was hanging upside down from the chandelier.

Shinpachi looked to her right to see Tama-chan and the makeup crew waiting for this to settle down. Shinpachi took this time to reflect on her day.

 _I must say that attending my first three classes made me feel...normal. Not that I wasn't normal to begin with. It's only that I have been hanging out with people older than me, or more outrageous than me, or are my subordinates of Otsu's imperial army. I have to say that I'm pretty happy with both worlds. I just hope that I don't get too attach to my fake high school life._

When the fighting finally reached a halt, the makeup artists did a spectacular job to hide the blood, cuts, and bruises for everyone except Kondo who only needed to wear a gorilla costume.

While everyone was getting their makeup done, Otae asked Shinpachi about her day. Her little sister happily replied, "Great! It's going really well for my first day of school. I thought it would be hard, but the teachers are good at their jobs, so it's easy to understand the material."

"That's good to hear! Have you made any friends yet?"

"No, but they are all nice. None of them show any signs from the profile of being 'Blue Rose'. Maybe my chemistry class will give me more luck."

"Hey Patsuan" Gintoki inquired darkly, **_"None of the guys are hitting on you are they?"_**

Shinpachi blushed by such a question! She yelled, "NO! Of course not!"

"Good because if any guy flirts with you, or if anyone bullies you," Gintoki, Kagura, Otae and Kondo wore American horror teen movie costumes. Gintoki was Freddy. Kagura was the killer from the Halloween movie. Otae was the killer from the Scream movie. And Kondo was Jennifer from Jennifer's body. **_"We'll deal with them."_**

"THIS IS NOT A HORROR FICTION!"

Soon after lunch, Shinpachi attended her Chemistry class. It looked like a difficult class, but the teacher made it abundantly clear that she didn't expect experts. Only those willing to study and find help to understand the material despite its difficulty. Shinpachi tried to find anyone who fitted Blue Rose's profile, but there were only three other females in the classroom, and they all showed evidences of either being sociable and/or a daddy's girl.

Shinpachi thought that the profile may be wrong, and she was actually attending the wrong classes or looking for the wrong personality.

At P.E. class, Shinpachi did her best to keep her eyes low so she didn't see any of the girls stripping in the locker room. She'd have a nosebleed! She hurriedly changed before walking out onto the school's backyard where the teacher led them to the gymnasium.

Shinpachi immediately felt suspicious about her P.E. teacher. There was also something wrong about the gym, but Shinpachi figured that she might be just working too hard. She also realized that her glasses were missing.

Gintoki and Kagura appeared behind the basketball carts. They had never attended school, and only had seen it through stuff like manga and anime, so they thought that their beloved, innocent, virgin Shinpachi might be wearing bloomers.

However that was not the case since bloomers had been banned from high schools due to the immoral thoughts it rose. Instead Shinpachi wore a white shirt with red athletic shorts on.

"So they don't wear bloomers after all, eh?" Gintoki whispered upon observation.

"Yeah, aru. But that doesn't mean Shinpachi is still not vulnerable on that court, aru!" Kagura pointed out. "At any point, one of the boys from the team will accidentally fall on her to put his face on her boobs or crotch!"

Gintoki found that likely since he was quite the rascal when he was a teenager, but in reality, teenage boys are not like that at all. "You're right! We need to protect Shinpachi's purity!" The two forget their megane's dirty side for a certain pop idol, and act on their mission.

The teams are made, and the class starts playing, and every time a boy comes close to Shinpachi, they're whacked by a ball. The class looked for the source, but they don't see anyone.

Their P.E. teacher explained that it was most likely caused by the ghosts of the famous basketball stars who were testing them through throwing balls at them. The class thought that was weird, but their teacher was technically their boss, so they continued, but more cautiously.

When a boy brushed arms with Shinpachi, he was whacked by a ball. When one was blocking him, he was whacked. When one called out to him, he was whacked by a ball. When one even looked at him he was whacked by a ball. When a girl called the spirits sexist for only hitting the boys, she was whacked by a ball.

"Good job, Kagura." Gintoki praised her.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" Yamazaki appeared in his janitor disguise behind the crates.

"Protecting the purity of our megane."

"WHAT?! Protecting her purity?! It looks more like you're traumatizing her! Look at her! She's so frightened and worried that she might be next! And what's with the P.E. teacher?! Why is he allowing this to go on?!"

One of the students asked the teacher, "Mr. Zuka, can we take a break?"

The teacher answered, "It's not Mr. Zuka, it's Katsura."

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Yamazaki's mouth was covered by Kagura and Gintoki.

Katsura quickly said to cover up his last statement, "It's no time for break! The point of P.E. is to open your hearts through exerting your strength and team-player coordination! Alright," He patted the student's back, "Now let's continue!"

The student reluctantly did as she was told, and turned her back to the teacher and the others behind the ball cart. On her back had a paper that stated, 'This one next'.

Kagura and Gintoki got their balls ready.

Yamazaki yelled, "What are you doing?! You're no longer doing it for Shinpachi's sake are you?! You're just doing it out of pure sadistic joy, aren't you!"

Shinpachi looked towards the ball cart, but due to her near-sightedness, she couldn't see them. She could see Katsura's face, but the man had been making sure she couldn't by either turning away or blocking it by his clipboard.

The class continued to play. Yamazaki tried to prevent the two idiots from whacking the innocent student, but the balls reached. However, because they were so focused on her, they forgot to protect Shinpachi.

"AAAh!"

"Pachie!" Katsura cried out.

Shinpachi was on the floor under a student that was three times her size. Only her arm could be seen, but it was limp. Yamazaki mourned in agony, "Paaaaachie! She's been completely body slammed while you two were not looking! You've completely failed her!"

Kagura and Gintoki in their host disguises leaped out to help! "Pachie! Hang in there!" Gintoki called out as Kagura threw the student through the concrete wall.

Yamazaki shrieked, "Background charaaaaacter!"

Gintoki held Shinpachi in his arms. "Pachie! Look at me! Wake up!"

Kagura sniffled. "This is all our fault! We're supposed to be protecting her from the hormones of teenage boys, but she ended up being completely body slammed by one! Pachieeee!"

Shinpachi softly gasped for air and opened her eyes. Fluttering them to clear her vision. "Gi-I mean Kibe-san. Emiko-chan. What are you doing here?"

Gintoki asserted, "That doesn't matter! We need to get you to the infirmary!" He motioned to pick her up, but Shinpachi placed a hand on his shoulder, and then got up by herself.

"I'm fine. I do feel a little dizzy from being body slammed, but I'm alright." She gave them a bright, cute smile that would win a gold prize.

"Are you sure?!" Kagura urged her to admit the truth.

Shinpachi nodded, "I know I appear meek and fragile, but I can take care of myself. Especially with you two cheering me on." She looked down and blushed, but she rose her head to smile confidently as she said, "Thank you very much!"

Gintoki and Kagura stared at her in awe. They softly whispered, "Pachie..." They ran into her arms.

The whole class including those who were injured and Katsura cried at the emotional scene. Yamazaki was still feeling hysterical, "Why is everyone crying?! What about the student who actually got injured! Am I the only one who sees that hole!"

Shinpachi announced to his classmates, "You'll get to see more of them at the club. Please tell all your female friends about us!"

"YES!"

"THIS WAS AN ADVERTISEMENT?!"

"OI!" Hijikata appeared in his disguise. The girls squealed! The officer ignored them to scold the troublemakers, "What are you two doing here?! Our club is going to start any minute now!"

"Shut up! We're having an emotional moment here!" Gintoki yelled back.

"Yeah, aru! Wait for your boyfriend at the club!" Kagura told him!

"WHO'S MY/HIS BOYFRIEND?!" Both males yelled at her. The girls squealed even louder.

The bell rung which meant that class was over. The club got even more busy with more females coming over. Shinpachi wanted to help, but Hijikata ordered her to go to the library to do the school work. It was best after all that the teachers didn't demand a parent-teacher conference due to her lack of initiative in class.

Unable to reason against that, Shinpachi went to the library. Surprisingly, a study group noticed her and called her over.

._._._.

Hijikata exited from the music room without his disguise on. He was the last to leave since he decided to do some of his paperwork after the club activities were done. As he was going through the halls, he heard someone call for him. "Mayo-sama?" He stopped the instant moment he recognized that soft, clear voice. He prayed to the gods of whatever religion he was closest to believing in to please not let the person, who he dutifully avoided, be right behind him.

"Mayo-sama!" The feminine voice called again.

The smoking addict wanted to walk away, but he knew this person won't let him escape. "Mayo-sama, it is you, isn't it." Hijikata was trapped, and he knew better than to look over his shoulder, but he did.

Steel blue, undeceiving eyes stared at lovely, naive chestnut ones.

 _Doing school work with friends is a lot of fun when all our hearts are connected on how we feel about it. They were all so friendly for obvious reasons that I knew the host club. I especially became friends with a girl named Satomi Yamashita. She's a really cool person who likes to spend her time cruising around and outside the city, and the only one in the group who was into Otsuu-chan's music! We easily became very close friends!  
_

 _Of course, I didn't forget my mission. I sneakily asked around about any drug activity, but it looks like it will take longer.  
_

Shinpachi wrote, but he wasn't sad at all. Though Satomi's last name sounded familiar, but she couldn't put her finger on it.

._._._.

A/N: I'm not giving up on this fanfiction! I just had college finals to get through, and I'm watching Dragon Ball Super. My favorite character is Raditz. HE HAD POTENTIAL!

But yeah...it's best not to expect frequent updates. *Bows lowly on the floor!* I'M SORRY!

I hate leaving things discontinued unless I really have no passion and I still love Hijishin, but that ship had reached its stop momentarily, but I will get back on once that burning passion arises again!


	13. Refresh

Chapter 13: When getting back into Gintama after the cluster fuck of 2016 in America, it's really nice on the soul.

The next few days were peaceful or as peaceful as they could be while everyone played host and the officers tried to pick out which of the girls could be Blue Rose. Shinpachi had been doing her job in trying to blend in with a certain crowd that used drugs. She was able to get along with a variety of students from the nerds to the jocks. Apparently everyone was pretty chilled about anyone of any kind of status.

"It's really peaceful around here, and no one shows any sign of using any illegal drugs. Even the hippie kids only smoke weed." Shinpachi reported to the others who were getting their makeup done.

Hijikata pointed out, "That might only be on the surface. Remember that the drugs that are being served range from cocaine to ecstasy. Are you sure that no one has shown any signs of using them?"

"None. They all act like regular teenagers. No one had tried to approach me about them even if I complain."

Sougo suggested, "Maybe the old man got his information wrong."

Kondo hummed to that in his gorilla suit. "It's too soon to say. The ball is coming up this weekend, and perhaps someone will come as a drug dealer. Yamazaki. Have you found anything while you were disguised as the school's janitor?"

Yamazaki reported, "All the teachers seem to rant about normal things on my end. Shinpachi and I with boss's and Kagura-chan's help didn't find anything solid to go by except that Blue Rose once sold drugs nearby the Shogun's palace. It was completely top secret until one of them ratted her out, but before he could give the name, he died by his phone exploding in his pocket."

"So that's how we got the mission." Hijikata sucked in the smoke of his cigarette. He was enjoying it before having to deal with all the annoying chicks. "Then that means that all her drug dealers have explosives rigged into their phones. If we can confiscate them from everyone in this school, then we may be able to tell who is working for Blue Rose. But we have to be cautious about it, so she doesn't have them explode as well."

"We will have to thread carefully in doing that since it may alarm Blue Rose if every cellphone were confiscated all of the sudden." Shinpachi said. "The shinsengumi can cause the phones of those we highly suspect to be drug users to ring or buzz, which will make the teacher have to confiscate them. And perhaps we can find other ways to investigate the others."

"Then let's get to work." Hijikata stood up with the hosts.

They took their positions at the double doors. Shinpachi and Tama exited first, and saw practically every female in the school waiting at the sidelines of the hallways with their cameras and phones out. Once the doors were opened, the group welcomed them in.

Shinpachi went to the library to do her school work and chat with the friends she made. Although she couldn't help thinking about Hijikata. He's been acting weird the last few days. She thought he was simply stressed about being a host, but he seemed more bitter about leaving than staying at the high school.

She finally decided to ask Yamazaki, and the spy agreed to chat, so the two decided to have dango and tea together. They first had some small talk before Shinpachi inquired, "Is something happening at the shinsengumi, Yamazaki-san?"

"Ah! Nothing! Nothing happened!" Yamazaki frantically waved his arms to prove his point.

The megane deadpanned, "If you say it like that, something is obviously happening. Is it top secret?"

"...No. But you can't tell vice chief that I told you." Yamazaki paused to truly think on his decision, and thought it was best to fess up. The rumor's bound to spread eventually. "Do you remember the director's daughter, right?"

"Kuriko-san?" Shinpachi had a feeling that she should stop the conversation, but she wanted to know.

"Yeah. She forced the director to schedule an omiai with vice chief."

"EEH?! An omiai?!"

"SHHHH!" Yamazaki shushed her. And then continued, "It was quite the shock for everyone, and what's even more shocking is that even though she's been rejected by vice chief, she told him that she wasn't giving up."

The man had a flashback on the moment that he was peeking through the shoji doors.

 _Hijikata and Kuriko were knelled before each other with a table being their only barrier. She started first. Her anxiousness apparent on her face. "Mayo-sama, I'm so happy to see you again. I know now of who you really are, and I don't blame you for lying before. I was young and acted obsessed."_

 _"Then you know why this won't work. You're not the problem. I have no interest in marriage."_

 _"I know, but...I'm not giving up."_

 _"Eh?"_

 _The young woman proclaimed, "I will do my best for you to fall in love with me! I will keep trying until I know better to give up. My heart won't rest until I tried, so please." She bowed down on the floor. "Accept my harassment!"_

"She's honest." Shinpachi commented, and then smiled. "I hope for the best for her."

"Eh?" Yamazaki wasn't caught off guard, but the moment called for confusion.

Shinpachi explained, "Kuriko-chan is a beautiful and kind woman, and Hijikata-san isn't scandalous like her father. I've always thought ever since Kuriko-chan fell for him that the two of them would be great together. It's Hijikata-san's loss if he were to let her go."

"But Shinpachi, don't you-" Yamazaki shut his cursed mouth. He should've known better than to ask that question!

However, Shinpachi openly replied, "I will always love Hijikata-san, but I've accepted his rejection. I always have before my confession. The two of us are far less compatible than he is with Kuriko-chan."

Yamazaki tried to find a falseness in the happiness that was in Shinpachi's expression, but she found none. Neither did Sougo when he arrived at the shop for some sweets, too. He hid himself in plain sight to eavesdrop on their conversation.

Apparently, someone else was eavesdropping. "Good for you, Pachie!" Katsura and Elizabeth were sitting next to them with tears in their eyes.

The three shinsengumi officers turned white with black lines on their temples.

"WHY ARE YOU LISTENING?! WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE!"

Shinpachi smacked their heads and threw them out the shop so they didn't disturb the other customers. Yamazaki let her beat them up while Sougo left with his hot sauce bottle and sweets.

._._._.

"Can you believe them for eavesdropping?! I made sure Katsura swore to not tell anyone. He's a terrorist after all." Shinpachi complained to Gintoki who came down with a fever the day before the ball. Shinpachi took the day off from school to take care of him. It was also because she wasn't sure if she could face Hijikata at the moment.

Though she truthfully told Yamazaki that she was okay, she began to feel jealousy once the facts sunk in. Her brows furrowed when she began to list out the many ways the woman was better than her. She was a natural beauty. She was born a woman. She was far more stubborn to fight for Hijikata's love. Honestly, Shinpachi knew she didn't fight for it because she didn't want to end her friendship with Hijikata, but she felt like a failure for giving up anyway.

She felt a tap on her glabella. "You shouldn't frown like that. You're a woman now. You need to be more cautious of your looks or else you'll start to look like the old lady."

Shinpachi refocused her attention on Gintoki who was lying on his futon with his pajamas on. His head was covered by an ice pack, and he was red from sweating. The female softly glared at him, but it was replaced by a caring gaze. "I won't be a woman for long." She helped him drink water out of a ladle. "You wouldn't be like this if you hadn't tried to show off to those girls. What were you thinking?"

"I'm supposed to be the wild type remember. I was just staying true to my character or else the whole mission would fail because of me!" He began to cough harshly.

Shinpachi retorted blandly, "You jumped into a pool of banana pudding half naked at the gym. We were lucky that you didn't get suspended thanks to the girls, but you're banned from the gym from now on. You better not take their kindness for granted." She swept some of the wet strands from the samurai's forehead. It clear way for her to see Gintoki's expression, which seemed distant yet present and focused on her at the same time. Shinpachi inquired, "What is it?"

Before the lazy man could answer, the doorbell rang. Shinpachi stood up to get it, and was given a cake that was sent by Katsura who currently couldn't leave the hospital due to being in police custody. Shinpachi was still miffed about his eavesdropping, but cake was always pleasant to eat. Gintoki wanted to eat some, but she berated him, and ordered him to stay in bed. Gintoki bothered to comply since Shinpachi was the only safe caretaker for him.

He looked at Shinpachi who was wearing a white yukata with blue flowers on it. The made female had begun to put on makeup unlike Otae, so her plain looks stood out a bit at school. The white curly haired diabetic male stared at her until she noticed his stare and smiled. Gintoki looked away as he felt uneasy. Shinpachi was doing nothing different from when he took care of Gintoki as a male. Always gentle, kind and honestly quite boring, but safe compared to his other caretakers.

She took notice of his attitude. "Is it weird that I'm a woman? It's been a month, but even I'm still weird out whenever I go to the bathroom." Shinpachi confessed as she dutifully knelled by his side.

"At least you're able to see what's in between your legs every day. Hey have you-"

 _ **"No."**_ Shinpachi rejected. She may be a woman, but she identified herself as a male, so to play with herself like that was too weird to do.

"I would ask you if you played with your chest, but you- AUGH!" Gintoki had pills shoved down his throat, and water go down the wrong tube! He coughed violently, and then yelled, "Are you trying to kill me?!"

"Nope. It was time for you to take your pills." Shinpachi said innocently.

"You could've warned me!" Gintoki took advantage of the situation to place his head on her lap, and wrap his arms around her waist while he muffled his complaints about his cute daughter being taken away by some yakuza.

Shinpachi was surprised by being held like this, but then knew what Gintoki was doing. She allowed it since she didn't have boobs for him to be all perverted on. Yet she did retort on what he complained about.

After a while, Shinpachi began to stroke the sick man's hair. The sunlight seeping through the window was bright but merciful and beautiful to the eyes. Everything was silent. A very rare occurrence.

Kagura soon came in and was about to say something, but then saw the positions the two closest people in her life was in. She didn't know why she felt surprised, and somewhat betrayed by the scene. She knew that there was nothing going on between them, and she wasn't hurt. She was just confused.

She was about to turn away, but then Gintoki noticed her. He sat up. "Oh, Kagura, you're back. I'm starting to feel better, so go slice up that cake for the four of us."

Shinpachi looked over her shoulder and greeted her, "Welcome home, Kagura-chan. How was the host club today? Did you get any gifts?"

Kagura broke out of her thoughts, and burst out, "I'll go cut the cake!" She took the cake box and made four equal slices for everyone to eat at the table.

Shinpachi and Gintoki looked at each other, but both were confused by her sudden obedient attitude.

"Did something happen at school, Kagura-chan?" Shinpachi inquired while she ate her slice.

"Not at all! I got a lot of the newest collectible toys today!" Her voice was a little too high, but not out of the ordinary.

"Collectible toys? You're not a kid anymore. You should sell them for cash. They won't notice." Gintoki advised her.

Shinpachi turned that down. "Don't listen to him. You should cherish these gifts until we're at desperate times or else Gin-san here will take it and spend it all on Pachinko."

"No I won't! I'd spend it all on sweets!"

"That doesn't make it better!"

"Uhm..." Kagura told them, "On Sunday, Soyo-chan wants to see me as Emiko Jin. But the makeup artist won't do my makeup."

"I can do it." Shinpachi said. "I've watched them do your makeup, and I have some makeup supplies of my own. I can do your makeup in the morning, and Gin-san can walk you there since I have a study group that day. You'll walk her, won't you, Gin-san."

"Why? She can fend for herself."

"Kagura will go out as Emiko Jin, and she should have a body guard to show her importance. If people saw Emiko-chan enter the building like that, our club will certainly grow even more popular." The megane revealed her scheme. "How about it, Kagura-chan?"

The foreign teenager nodded. This atmosphere began to feel weird. It's not the same.

"Ah, you got a little on your cheek." Gintoki pointed out to Shinpachi. She wiped the wrong cheek that Gintoki placed his plate down to put a hand on her shoulder to steady himself. The cream was white so he had to get closer to see it before he would use his finger to wipe it off.

While this happened, Hijikata made his way in after one knock. "Oi, Shinpachi. Yamazaki told em what you did to Katsura..." From his point of view, he saw the silver haired bastards face on Shinpachi's own with hands that looked like they were locking her in place for something he immediately registered in his mind.

"YOU FUCKIN' BASTARD!" He flied kick Gintoki off her.

The kicked man hit against the wall. "WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!"

"WHAT WERE YOU DOING TO HER?!"

"I WAS JUST WIPING CAKE FROSTING OFF! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?!"

The two were all up in their faces, shouting like mad men.

Shinpachi got up and prepared tea for all of them. She filled Sadaharu's bowl, too. Then she asked, "Did you come here to tell me something, Hijikata-san?"

The policeman ignored Gintoki to return to his cool attitude and answer, "I just came here to report to you that Yamazaki found evidence that Blue Rose may not actually attend the school, but is actually a frequent visitor instead."

"A frequent visitor?"

"It is a school for the rich, and many people come and go to act as deliverers and whatnot. The reason none of the students look to be under the influence of drugs or knows anything about it is because we wrongly assumed that the drugs would be sold to a majority of them. Turns out only those who do not stand out buy them, and they are most likely monitored while taking it so no videos are released about it. Also, one of the teachers OD'd recently, and other former members of the staff had done the same."

"Then there was no point of the host club. We can cancel that-"

"NO!" Shinpachi was kicked by Kagura and Gintoki. "DO YOU REALIZE WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN YOU DO THAT?!"

"NO MORE CAKES AND PARFAITS AND GIFTS!"

Shinpachi yelled back, "YOU TWO JUST WANT TO BE SPOILED!"

Hijikata yelled, too, "THE HOST CLUB WON'T BE CANCELLED! We still need it around in case our theory is wrong, and if Blue Rose is a student after all!"

The no-good duo got on their knees in front of him. "Thank you, Mayo-sama!"

"What's with this Mayo-sama?!"

Shinpachi went to the kitchen to wash the dishes. Hijikata stood next to her to also inform her, "We suspect that by next Saturday, the shinsengumi will have something solid to go by after researching everyone's background that's related to that school in any way. Kondo and I will be interrogating some people we may suspect, and need you there."

"Next Saturday?"

"Yeah. Did you have plans?"

Shinpachi actually did have plans with her new high school friends, but those plans weren't related to finding Blue Rose. "N-"

"She's going to a party with her high school friends after going shopping with them." Gintoki answered for her. "Drugs are most likely passed out at a party, so she can't interrogate some drug addicts with you."

Hijikata was surprised by the silver haired bastard answering, but he understood that he was making sure Shinpachi didn't overlook her happiness. Still he asked Shinpachi, "Is that true?"

"Yes. But if you need me, I won't go."

Hijikata immediately rejected, "No. Kondo, Sougo, Yamazaki and I will be enough, but I'll have Yamazaki also sneak into the party to help you out. Make sure to bring a report on it if you find anything suspicious."

"Of course." The former shinsengumi officer answered dutifully.

Hijikata then left.

Shinpachi asked Gintoki, "Why did you tell him there would be a party? It's only shopping, so I could've gone."

"Nah, you're supposed to be off the squad by now, so it's not your responsibility to drop everything for a job that isn't yours in the first place. I'm your boss again, so go enjoy being with your high school friends. It's not every day you get to discover yourself in High school." Gintoki pointed out. Shinpachi still thought that part of her responsibility still belonged to the shinsengumi, but at the same time, she was really thankful. She really was looking forward to shopping with her new friends.

._._._.

"It's nice to see you again, Toushi-kun. I made you another bento today. Did you enjoy the one I made you last time?" Kuriko handed Hijikata a bento at his office. "If there's anything you'd want me to change, I will do it."

"No. It was good." He told her since he was ordered to act compliant with her actions. She is the director's daughter. The two have been having these exchanges for the last few days since she promised to try to make him fall for her. The two had only been eating lunch together since Kuriko did want to take things slow since love was about progress.

 **"Honestly, I wish that she would give up soon. She is a good woman, and she is more fit for a better man than me. She's blinded again by her imagination of me."**

Hijikata blew his smoke during his break in his office. His mind immediately made him think back to when he mistakenly thought that the silver haired bastard was putting the moves on Shinpachi. He felt a vein throbbed on his temple.

 **"SHIT! Now that I'm aware of my feelings for Shinpachi, I'm feeling self conscious of how close her relationship is with that silver haired bastard. I didn't care before because that idiot isn't into other guys, but now that Shinpachi is a woman, even if she doesn't appear to fit that perverted bastard's interests, I can't trust that he won't try to lay a hand on her. As I wrote before, men can be samurai who can earn respect, but all of them are pigs in nature."**

 **"Ah, but the possibility that someone as sensible as Shinpachi falling for him or letting her emotions be tricked into it is slim to none. It's my own feelings that are making me unreasonably think so. Tch. To feel jealous because of how close they are. I only feel that way because now I know the pleasant feeling of having him by my side...**

The next words his brain whispered for him to write was that he missed her. He felt that eating lunch with Shinpachi was a whole lot better than eating with Kuriko. To be fair, it was because they were friends.

"..."

 **"Ah, I'm out of mayonnaise flavored tea. Where did Shinpachi buy it again? Maybe I should ask her again."**

"Where are you going, Hijikata-san?" Sougo asked at the gate. "The ball is tonight. Don't tell me that you plan to go to the bank to open an account to fit all the money that will be extorted from these dumb bitches."

"That's you!" Hijikata didn't bother to order him to not do it since Sougo was going to do it anyway, and no proof will be found. "I'm heading to Shinpachi's. I forgot what store she bought the tea that she gave me for my birthday."

"Shinpachi? Before you go, you should know that Yamazaki told her about you and the director's daughter's steamy affair."

"What steamy affair?! And Yamazaki did what?! Where is he?!" He searched the area around him vigorously.

"Today is his day off until the ball. Anyway, good luck with Pachie. She confessed to you first after all, and only a month later, you've already moved on to someone else."

"I didn't move on to someone else! Dammit!" Hijikata hurried to Shinpachi's place to set the information straight.

And like usual, he found her at her room. However, this time Shinpachi was facing a mirror while doing her hair to look like Otsuu-chan's. She tried to smile cutely like her, but she wasn't satisfied by the hairstyle.

"You look better with pigtails." The policeman told her.

Shinpachi looked at him with pleasant surprise. "Hijikata-san! You really think so?" the otaku let her hair go, and began to braid her hair while approaching him. "Did you need to report to me about anything for tonight?"

"No. I just..." He wondered whether he should talk about the tea or Kuriko first. He figured talking about tea would be best. "I ran out of tea, and forgot where to get it."

"Finished already? I'm surprised that it wasn't finished in one month." Shinpachi lightly joked, and then took out a piece of paper from her book to write down the information. "Here's the name and address so you never forget. Make sure not to lose this paper." She handed it over to him.

"Thanks." Hijikata wished she took longer because now he had to explain, "So, Sougo told me that Yamazaki informed you about me and the director's daughter."

"You and Kuriko-chan? Yes, he did, and I don't know whether I should say this or not, but I hope you do give her a chance." Shinpachi felt a bit uncomfortable in the chest, but she stayed firm on her belief.

Hijikata was surprised by this. "You should know that's not possible."

"What I do know now is that she has nothing to lose from trying to make a stubborn samurai realize that love, even if it ends in heart break, is worth more than never trying in the first place. I don't know whether I should say this or not but, " Shinpachi gave a knowing smile. "Please reconsider her advances."

The policeman didn't know what to say to that. A part of him wanted Shinpachi to confess that she didn't want him to go to Kuriko, but then he also tried to remember what it was like when they were friends without feelings for each other. The same memory he had earlier popped up, and he just had to ask, "Hey, that silver bastard hadn't been giving you weird looks has he?"

"Gin-san?" Shinpachi was weird out and confused by the question, but considering the type of person Gintoki was, the question was more reasonable than when Hijikata asked if she was dating Sougo. "Ah, there's nothing to worry about. Gin-san is a perverted scum, but he sees me as family like he does with Kagura-chan."

That made sense. Even if Kondou or even the likes of Sougo were to turn back into their female bodies, he wouldn't change how he saw them. Not that he could ever see him in that light considering who they were. "Ah. Sorry for asking."

"Don't be! Gin-san and I do share a close relationship that is shared between men, and I have always been aware that I'm not as masculine compared to all the other Gintama men, so turning into a female and remaining close to Gin-san would give people the wrong impression. Anue-e has been keeping a check on me, and threatening Gin-san more than before. She became more scary than usual." Shinpachi sighed, but she smiled nonetheless for Hijikata.

The officer gazed at that smile, but he quickly stopped himself. He cursed himself for how his feelings began to swell as they talked. He then remembered some of the papers he didn't need to do immediately, but it's best to leave since there was nothing else to really talk about, and he usually left by then. He told himself he can't break any habits despite how much he wanted to remain in Shinpachi's presence, or else it will become strange and frustrating for the both of them.

Shinpachi seemed to not mind him leaving. Work was work after all.

Later that night, everyone attended the ball which took place at a fancy mansion that was borrowed from Soyo-chan who also provided staff to help serve the food and be the orchestra. The Gintama men were dressed in tuxes with their makeup on. Kagura and Otae were dressed in beautiful gowns. Otae was dressed formally like a Japanese Goddess that appeared benevolent to all, but actually had a horrifying twisted side to her. Kagura was dressed in a beautiful ballgown just like how she wanted while her chest was still given a bind to keep it flat, so she appeared absolutely adorable to her fans.

As for Shinpachi and Tama who were present...

"AAAAAAAH!" Yamazaki yelled out in awe when the two came out in westernized maid outfits. "You guys look amazing! Those dresses fit you very well!" He was head over heels at the sight of Tama who looked incredibly cute that it spawned dirty thoughts.

Tama simply thanked him for the compliment while Shinpachi blushed a bit. "Neh, neh, this costume is kind of embarrassing. We're serving for a formal event. Not a cafe."

"Nonsense!" Kondo cried out. "The maid outfit is perfect for any occasion! In a filthy stained city such as Edo, one would think that we wouldn't have the slightest bit of value. But just like how even a cow's poo has worth due to the nutritious gems hidden within, maids are those gems in Edo! They are the symbols of purity. It is true that the women playing the maids may not be as pure as we liked to believe, but that is the magic of the maid outfit! Once a cute female puts it on, their true selves with their hidden dirty deeds are hidden, and a virgin maiden appears before us! Yes! And not just any virgin maiden! But a virgin maiden who unconditionally loves those around her, so she works hard to please them by giving them their fantasy! Their sanctuary! Their home! And when you meet them, it'll feel like the first time you will truly feel welcomed home." He spoke the inviting words of a cute maid, "Is this your first time coming home, mistress?" He said this to Otae in his gorilla costume that was wearing a maid outfit.

Everyone else had shadowed eyes. Otae destroyed Kondo while everyone agreed that it was best if they wore proper waitresses outfits after all.

After that was smoothed over with Kondo sleeping off his usual beating in one of the rooms, they all set out to do their job much to many of Gintoki's complaints, Hijikata bickering with him, and Sougo and Kagura throwing insults at each other until Otae straightened them all up. Shinpachi paused for a second when she swore she noticed someone passing by behind them. She thought she saw purple hair, but eyes can fool the mind, so she thought nothing of it unfortunately.

The ball started out smoothly with the hosts greeting practically the whole female student body. They were glad that they set up for foot care after this. Each girl chose who they wanted to dance with, and Yamazaki was glad that he wasn't that popular, so he would finish first and be able to do more important things that'll help them find Blue Rose among them.

The first half of their fans lined up while the second half enjoyed their food while watching the others in glee and envy.

"Yo! Shinpachi!" One of the girls at the tables called out. The megane turned away from the table that she was serving to see her study group friends. The girl who called out to her was Lisa. Two other girls sat with her. One of them named Amanda while the other was her new dear friend and fellow Otsuu-chan fan, Satomi Yamashita. She had light brown hair with red highlights, and a part of her hair tied up by a bobble hair tie. She also had downturned brown eyes and plump lips that she surgically obtained. She had a very closed off and tough personality. Not willing to speak too many words unless it involved scolding someone, doing work, or talking about Otsuu-chan.

"Ah, everyone! You came! I'm surprised to see that you also came, Yamashita-san."

The coolly dressed female explained, "I just wanted to see what the fuss was about for the club you work at." She looked over to the dance floor where the hosts were waltzing and switching the girls. Although some of them tried to latch on that Kondo and security had to get them off. "You have some pretty generous friends, but I still think you should move over to the tea ceremony club."

"Ah, sorry, Yamashita-san. I truly do appreciate the traditional way of serving tea, but..." Shinpachi gave a small, apologetic smile. Her friend simply shrugged.

"Anyway!" Lisa cried out to gain their attention. "Amanda and I chose to dance with the two princes! I'm gonna dance with Prince Ren (Sougo)! Amanda's here is gonna dance with Prince Hikaru (Honjou)! We've been wondering Pachie that since ya know the the host boys so well, did you ever date any of them?"

"Eh?!" Shinpachi blushed bright red when Hijikata popped in her mind, but disgust and fear quickly washed over it when she remembered that Gintoki and Sougo were also hosts. She shortly prayed for Lisa's safety from Sougo. Blackish blue lines formed beneath her left eye as she gloomily rejected, "No. No. Not at all. I would never want to date any of them. They're just friends of mine."

"Then are you lezbo?" She questioned as if there could be no other explanation.

Shinpachi was offended by her rude tone. "No!" She answered with restrained anger. "Please, don't make assumptions like that just because I am not into the same type of men as you."

"You're talking like an old woman again." Amanda pointed out with a theatrical sigh. "Reminds me of being nagged by my nanny."

"I wouldn't have to if you two weren't being so rude!" Shinpachi defended herself. Teenage girls were so rude these days!

"Ignore them, Pachie." Satomi told her as she sipped her drink. "Let's just ditch and listen to Otsuu-chan and shit."

"Please refrain from using such crude language." Shinpachi kindly asked of her. "And I'm currently working right now."

"You know you act like what a typical old fashioned woman would act." Lisa pointed out. "All prim and proper and prude. You won't be able to land a high paying job like that."

Amanda nodded, "These days a woman can live a life of luxury if she looks good and have an edge to her. I hate wearing makeup, but if a woman doesn't wear it, people assume we ain't professional."

"I also hate wearing heels, and just wanna chill in my sneakers, but if I want to appear fierce among my competitors, I have to deal with it." The two girls nodded, and sighed, "Being a high class working woman is hard."

Shinpachi felt the darker purple lines beneath her eye. _"That's no different from a poor woman's struggles. It only makes them look more spoiled since they're privileged and that's all they have to really worry about."_ Shinpachi's shoulders drooped. _"Honestly, they were so pleasant at first, but now, they're too comfortable with me that their true colors are showing. But I guess it's not worse than Kagura's attitude. But I wish they'd give some thought to what they say to me. The harsh words said at Kabukicho is understandable since life is harsh there, so these girls are just being mean out of ignorance. But I can't entirely blame them since they were raised with silver spoons, and ceilings like these."_ Shinpachi looked up at the painted ceilings and crystal chandeliers. _"I've said this before, but these rich people definitely live in another world."_

"It's hard only because you lack motivation." Satomi spoke up with a harsh, matter-of-fact tone. Not bothering to pass a glance at anyone, but her targets were obvious. "You two should really think twice on your words and attitude. While it is true that women do have to meet annoying standards, Pachie is fine the way she is, and if you two don't know why, then your world is limited, and as the saying goes for many, those who see little of the world won't be able to make their mark on it."

"Sheesh, Satomi. We were just playing! So serious all the time." Lisa grumbled. Amanda nodded in agreement as the two lightly glared at their friend. "But anyway, sorry Pachie. Guess we did mouth off a bit."

"Ah," Shinpachi hurriedly assured them, "It's okay. You two were only trying to give me advice. Though you could've worded it a bit better as Yamashita-san said." She faced the fellow Otsu-chan fan. "Thank you for defending me."

"Mm." She pushed back her red highlighted locks. "You can thank me by joining the tea ceremony club."

"You sure are stubborn, Yamashita-san. Well then, I have to return back to work." The undercover policewoman returned to work just as the first half of the dancing was done, and the hosts were allowed to exit the ballroom, so they could rest and eat for half an hour before returning back.

Shinpachi met them at one of the rooms where Kagura, Sougo, Gintoki, Hijikata, and Honjou were either lying on the bed or the sofa to rest their aching feet. Her and Tama helped give them their meals.

"Mm? Where's my sister?" Shinpachi questioned.

"She said she had something to do." Gintoki answered, exhausted. "Oi. Do we really have to do the next half. I already feel like my feet are about to fall off!"

"It won't be that bad. There's a lot less girls for the second half." Shinpachi reminded him. "And once this ball is done, I'll prepare a cold bath, so you two can ease your sore muscles."

"Can I also have mochi ice cream and move our beds to the living room so we can watch TV on the floor?" Kagura asked with a cute, childish voice and pleading, wide eyes.

Shinpachi giggled at her attitude. "I don't see why not."

Then surprisingly Sougo wrapped his arms around her shoulders, "Mama, I also want you to prepare me a cold bath and eat mochi together."

"OI! SUPER SADIST! Who are you calling 'mama', you bastard! Shinpachi is the Yorozuya's mom!" She kicked him off their 'mama'.

The sadist bit back, "Don't act like you don't know. While it is true that she's played the act of being your mother, the truth is that she's been an unfaithful wife."

"UGH!" Kagura dramatically posed in shock.

"WAIT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN UNFAITHFUL WIFE!" Shinpachi yelled.

"Daddy! Tell me it isn't true!" Kagura cried out to Gintoki.

The man was confused. "Eh? What?"

Sougo chuckled. "It is true. It started before you were born while mama was engaged to your shitty dad. You never knew, but I am mama's first child from an affair between her and the shitty vice chief."

"Who's your father?!" Hijikata yelled out.

Kagura cried out, obviously ignoring everyone, "That can't be true, aru! Yes, papa is stupid enough to think pregnant women are just fat! He can't help it! He even thought mama just ate a baby whale when it was really me in there! But even so...Even so, papa can at least tell what's right and wrong and how to love someone by the tons of Blue's Clues and Dora the Explora he watches!"

"How stupid are you going to make me?! And how is a blue dog who was actually a girl this whole time and a Spanish speaking girl who tramps around without adult supervision supposed to teach me those things!" Gintoki yelled once he caught on to what's going on.

Sougo ignored everyone as well. "Foolish girl. Everyone knows that no matter how great a woman's husband can be, they can't ignore their desires."

"No!"

"Yes! She couldn't resist..." The background darkens, and fades in the truth, "wanting to pet the shitty vice chief's pet gorilla." Kondo in his gorilla form and Shinpachi dressed like a young woman about to be married gazed at each other lovingly.

"She ruined her engagement over that?!" The three victims of this drama yelled at once.

"I knew it." Kagura sniffed, her fake tears coming into view.

"Knew what?!"

"I knew it every time we passed by each other." A flashback with a pregnant Shinpachi holding little Kagura's hand as they walk down a street. Hijikata, Kondo the gorilla and little Sougo were walking towards them, but Pachie didn't meet eye contact with them. But once they pass by each other, she had to look back sadly just as Kondo the gorilla did the same. Little Kagura saw this, and the present Kagura tearfully revealed, "I knew...sniff, sniff...but I didn't want to accept it. But I don't want mama to suffer anymore! But I don't want daddy to be hurt, too!"

"Why is it those two?!" Hijikata complained. "You completely made me into nothing but a nuisance background character used to move the story! What was the point of making me the dad in the first place!"

Gintoki yelled at him, "You fool! That's what you're worried about?! At least your character wasn't turned into a complete retard! And why is Shinpachi pregnant again. Whose child is that."

Kagura answered with all seriousness, "It's the madao's." The background darkened again, but the only thing that was shown were sunglasses.

"WHAT KIND OF TWISTED HOUSE ARE YOU PLAYING!" Shinpachi smashed both Kagura's and Sougo's heads on the floor. "Why was I turned into some adulteress who married a retard, slept with the country's policeman's vice chief just to pet a gorilla, and then a pair of sunglasses for no reason at all! How is that even possible, HUH?!"

They heard sniffling and saw that the story actually made Kondo cry, but they just ignored him.

"But mama!" Both children of the drama cried out to her!

"Don't call me mama!" Shinpachi snapped at them, feeling hysterical at the moment, so she stopped herself. "Geeze, you two. If you're really that bored from waltzing, please do something else. But I guess it isn't fair if I only treat Kagura and Gintoki since everyone is working so hard."

"Eh? What are you talking about, Pachie?" Gintoki questioned in his slurred, brazen tone. "These guys are already robbing people of their tax money. You don't have to do them any favors."

"How about we head to a bath house after this?" Honjou finally spoke up.

"Ah! That's perfect!" Shinpachi immediately agreed to the suggestion. "Ah, but I can't go. It would be inappropriate for me to enter either baths."

"Oh, don't be shy, Shin-chan!" Otae appeared. "All we have to do is blind fold you!"

"Ah, no, no. It's good. I'll just take a bath at our house! I'm not exactly comfortable showing my body."

"Uuun. I see. It would be strange since we never seen each other naked since we were little kids. I would also feel embarrass even if we are sisters now."

Gintoki ran his mouth with his pinky up his nose, "If it was since you were little kids, Pachie should be alright since yours never changed since you were kids." Predictably his head was caught in her murderous, crush fist.

Otae sweetly told anyone, "Somebody better call the makeup artists because it looks like they missed a spot on your face!" Hijikata made the call just as the woman began pounding on the poor man who never learns.

Yamazaki let himself in to tell them that their break was over and also that he actually found a few girls who came to the ball with unprescribed drugs on their person. He already smoothly escorted them out, so they would be interrogated by their men who were pretending to be security. The makeup people also arrived just in time to quickly and professionally repair Gin's face before they exited once again to do their job.

The hosts took to the floors while Shinpachi went towards the tables to cater to the needs of the guests. However, her eyes widened when a very familiar dark, purplish aura rose from every table.

"Eh? What's this?" Everyone stared down at the unidentifiable burnt substance on their plates.

Shinpachi froze in horror.

 _Dear Diary #112_

 _I attended my first ball as a waitress among the thousands of girls around me. On the second half of the ball, little did I know that anue-e had gone to the kitchen to see how the staff was doing. She made them try her cooking, which took out the head cook, and just like a disease, somehow everything in the kitchen turned burnt. Tama, naive to the danger, served them._

 _I was only one person who felt helpless in these turn of events. I didn't know what to do. Gin-san and everyone was busy, and I wasn't surprised when the whole kitchen staff were bought to the hospital after the fiasco due to food poison._

 _I didn't know how to save the situation, but something miraculous and also terrifying happened._

"AAAAAH!" The girls screamed when a natto covered Katsura and Elizabeth were suddenly dropped from the ceiling and hung their above them. They appeared to be unconscious.

And then suddenly the lights went out, and screams erupted across the room, but Shinpachi could hear them lower little by little due to them being silenced in turns.

"Shinpachi!" Yamazaki cried out to her.

Shinpachi felt her wrist being grasped. She shivered because she wasn't sure if it truly was Yamazaki's, but the feel of the older man's chest, and the closeness of his voice reassured her that it was him much to her relief. She cried out to him among the terrified screams and angry yells from everyone, "Yamazaki! What's happening?!"

The spy told her calmly among the panicked, "There's been an intruder. Katsura and Elizabeth were sent to check on it, but it appears that they fell into their trap."

Shinpachi whispered back with her heart beating louder than the sound of her voice, "Do you think this is Blue Rose?"

"No. I'm afraid this is far sinister."

The megane gasped. "Don't tell me-!"

Tama spoke up, "It's true Shinpachi-sama. My eyes can in the dark, and although she is quick, I am able to tell that it is her. I had bought night vision goggles with me just in case such an event may occur. I already gave Gintoki-sama and the others theirs. Here are yours."

The two thanked her, but when they put it on, they immediately wanted to take it off because what they saw was a green glowing painting of horror. Unknown to them, the girls close to them had been struck by natto and several of the girls were strung above unconscious. It also appeared that the black substances of torture were used as a weapon.

"Lisa!" Amanda yelled out.

"Don't!" Satomi cried out.

Shinpachi turned to them, and saw Amanda reaching her hand out towards the direction that Lisa had been pulled away from. Satomi was holding her wrist, so Amanda wouldn't be isolated and targeted.

"Everyone!" Shinpachi ran to them, but Yamazaki held her wrist.

"Wa-wait a minute! You almost stepped on it!"

Shinpachi looked down to see that a rope trap was set beneath her feet. She jumped back into Yamazaki's arms, and apologized.

The officer assured her, "It's okay. Just be careful. Now let's go!" The three of them ran towards Satomi and Amanda to protect them. "Don't worry. We're here!"

 _At that moment we reached out to them, and for a second, I'm not sure of what or who I saw in front of me when Sarutobi in her masked getup appeared. All I knew next was that Gin-san successfully kicked Sarutobi away from us. The lights went on after Tama successfully repaired it, and Sarutobi-san was courteous enough to not use our real names._

 _BUT WHAT SHE DID WAS COMPLETELY STUPID AND IRRESPONSIBLE THAT IT COULD'VE RUINED OUR MISSION! SHE WAS TRYING TO ACT LIKE SOME SERIAL KILLER FROM A HORROR SLASHER PROM MOVIE!_

 _THE NEXT THING I KNEW WAS SARUTOBI EFFECTIVELY KNOCKING GIN-SAN OUT, AND THEN TRYING TO RUN OFF WITH HIM!_

 _Thankfully, Sougo, Hijikata, and anue-e were around to try to stop her. Though that did cause several damages to the ballroom. Thankfully none of the girls were hurt during their battle. Sarutobi ended up losing when her glasses fell off, and Kondo was able to hold her down. I shouldn't be surprised that she did something like that because she claimed to want to protect Gin-san's ethics, but we all knew she did it for some warped masochistic reason._

 _After she was hauled away, miraculously all the girls somehow believed that everything that happened was a very realistic, horrifying yet exotic stunt to liven up the night. They even fell more in love with the hosts because they saw how strong and brave they were that it made the club even more famous that even Satomi decided to visit once in awhile whenever she could._

 _I guess in the end, it was a pretty eventful night that turned out for the best._

._._._.

A/N: I guess this is a good place to stop for the moment. I'm...kinda back. College is keeping me busy. I have two midterms exams, two oral performances with slide shows and scripts needed to be finished, homework due, and final exams are in just two-three weeks. TuT Also gotta find a job and decide what university to attend even though I have no idea what I want in the future since I have no interet in having a career. TTnTT

The whole thing before the ball was actually something I had typed before going into hiatus for this fic, so the whole ball scene was more of an insert to help me get back into this fic.

I'll try my best to continue!


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